Scraps of Gold
by Kjesta
Summary: Shinji is member in a gang of street kids, Kaworu the son of wealthy but rather indifferent parents. What happens when the gang attempts a raid at the Nagisa mansion and their worlds collide?
1. White night, blind light

**Title: Scraps of Gold - White night, blind light**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 1/34**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,339**

**This is the first story I publish in English - please don't pay attention to the typos and mistakes I probably make, it's not my mother tongue. **

**This story is about my NGE OTP, Kaworu/Shinji. I have the first five chapters pretty much finished, so I hope I'll be able to bring you new ones regularly. Please comment, I really want to know what I can do to improve my writing in English!**

**And I have to say that the first chapters aren't that great... It took me a while to adjust to the different language.**

The house's silence was almost sickening. Not that it was much noisier with his parents around, but his mother's occasional remarks or his father's sounds of clearing his throat - which sounded remarkably like breaking chalk - made him at least feel a little like it was a home, not a tomb waiting for its inhabitant in spe.

Said inhabitant was spread on the sofa in the living room, eyes on the TV screen, yet not really seeing anything as the colorful scenes moved about. Each dialogue, clichéd and oh-so-imaginative, was denied attention by the grey-haired boy.

Red eyes directed inwards, he seemed to be deep in thought. The cartoon continued babbling away, fake laughter and supposedly funny noises inserted every now and then.

Zap.

The screen went black for a split second, then a new scene popped up.

"Do you love this man?" the judge asked, looking at the firm's boss. Uncomfortable silence, close-up to the caretaker's face who had gone quite pale.

Zap.

A volcano in the background, dramatic music. The sky was dyed with fire, bleeding red light onto the scenery. The man with the bright, curly hair cradled the dark-haired figure in his arms and a look of despair, loyalty and... a little love in his eyes.

"I can't carry it for you." His voice was strained, shaking, muffled by the tears he seemed to keep from spilling. "But I can carry you!"

Zap.

The screen went black again and stayed it this time. They boy sighed heavily, running a hand through his wild hair that was even messier than usual, indicating that he had repeated this action more than once lately.

Red eyes focused on the clock placed on the wall, in an accurate distance to the mantlepiece below to look neat and just where it was supposed to be.

This accuracy continued throughout the whole house, effectively preventing any disorder to ruin the perfection.

The teen got up, carelessly dropping the remote control on the couch. Oh well.

There wasn't much he had in mind to erase the utter soreness from his mind, thus he decided to get to bed.

--

"So what's it that I'm supposed to get again?" the dark-haired boy asked, loosening up his shoelaces and tying them up again, careful to make them fixed well. It wouldn't of much use to him if he tripped because of his shoelaces during what he and the others were set out to do.

"The stuff on the mantle piece, stupid," the redhead behind him snapped. She was busily tying her long hair to a ponytail and tucked it under a black cap. It turned out harder than expected because loose strands kept slipping out. With an angry cry, she tore the cap from her head and chucked it away.

"Shhht!" The boy gestured her vehemently to be quiet, another one shaking his head.

"Will you shut the hell up, Asuka?" he growled, checking on his pants' pockets. "You're gonna ruin everything!"

The girl's eyebrows knitted in fury and she was just about to start shouting when she decided otherwise, shut her mouth and turned away instead.

"I'm not even gonna waste any words an a dumbass like you," she snarled and picked the cap up from the ground, pulling it over her head and not really caring that her hair wasn't as secured as it should have been. She was on fire to finally leap into action.

The others sighed. Being bratty was a trademark of Asuka and they were used to the German girl losing her temper every so often.

The three of them made their last preparations in silence. Checking shoelaces, pulling on black caps, making sure no buttons or zippers were left open so they wouldn't get stuck anywhere. The redhead carefully fastened a leather belt around her left thigh - it held a gun. She didn't really intend to use it, neither did anyone else of them, but if there was going to be an emergency... well, they _had_ to defend themselves somehow, right?

The rest of the gang hadn't come with them. Four children were more than enough to break into a house. More would have been rather eye-catching for people passing by. The others would be waiting for them, hoping and praying would be alright. There wasn't much more they could do right now.

Between the rustling of clothes, hair, more or less excited breathing and typical autumn night's sounds, there was one boy almost soundless, not joining them in what they did. He was busily working on a small computer something that Shinji didn't even know the name of, or where he had got it from. They barely ever asked each other about their possessions - which weren't that many to begin with. It would possibly bring up memories again that weren't to be remembered. Or more questions that'd be just as uncomfortable to deal with.

"You ready, Kensuke?" the tallest boy asked, watching his best friends type away with curious and somewhat widened eyes. He was always amazed of how much at ease he felt with everything concerning strategy, technology, combat even.

"Yeah," Kensuke replied, hastily pushing his glasses up, wrinkling his nose. A sure sign he was concentrating really hard now, completely absorbed in his task of finishing off the alarm system. The other children didn't have the slightest clue of how he did it with just the small technological equipment of his, but they were certain his brains made more than up for it.

A moment in silence; then Kensuke gave a triumphant "yosh!" and turned to the others.

"Done," he affirmed their thoughts, words underlined by a happy grin. "The alarm's turned off. No problem entering now.

"Took you long enough, buddy," Touji snottily remarked, but turned to ruffle his friend's hair briefly.

"'Kaaay," Asuka interrupted, "now you two are done cuddling, can we finally start? I'm tired of sitting around." She emphasized her words by stamping her foot onto the ground, grass rustling beneath the soles of her shoes.

"Right," Shinji agreed. "It's about time we get going."

With a sigh, Touji picked up a rope and handed it to Shinji. "Alright." He pulled his cap on - it was practically unnecessary because his hair already was almost black, dark melting into the right around him.

"Let's go."

--

Kaworu slowly went up the stairs, moving in a leisure stroll. He wasn't bad at sports, but he also wasn't one to hurry when there was no absolute need for it. Besides, there were so many things one could easily miss when being overly hasty. The feel of the stair-rail beneath his fingers for example, or the sensation that occured when his bare feet touched the smooth wooden floor. The colorful spots on the wall, light that was broken by the chandelier's many glass facets, blinking and dancing along.

Yeah, he was quite a sensualist, relishing in whatever his life chose to gift him with. It wasn't the worst attitude one could have towards the world, really.

He went down the long, white corridor with its long, white, _stupid_ walls and opened the door to his room.

He _so_ seriously needed some sleep now.

--

"You'll go first," Kensuke said and nodded in Shinji's direction.

"'Kay." Shinji didn't argue, though he didn't exactly feel like going first. In fact, he didn't feel like going _at all_. As a street kid, he had to steal sometimes in order to survive. Taking a purse or some bread with him unnoticed from the owners. But burgling a foreign house, a well-guarded one at that, was something entirely different. He almost wished he had pretended to be ill and sent Yuichi with Touji, Asuka and Kensuke. Then again, he didn't want more of his friends in danger. No, it was okay somehow that he here.

He stepped closer to the wall and bent his leg.

"Touji? Step-up?"

"Right." Touji rubbed his hands and came up behind Shinji. He grabbed his ankle and waited for him to count.

The smaller boy prepared to jump. "One," he said. "Two... Three."

Getting up was easier than expected and mere seconds had passed when he set astride the bricks. He grimaced; there were _definitely_ more comfortable things for a boy to do. Hastily, he pulled up his legs and knelt on the broad sin.

He opened the rope and threw one end down to the others. Touji took it and Asuka stood behind him to hold on as well. The last thing they needed now was someone breaking an arm during the whole climbing thing.

"Don't you dare to let go!" Shinji hissed. Though he couldn't see their faces in the dark, he was pretty sure at least Asuka was rolling her eyes. He closed both hands around the rope. took a deep breathe ad began climbing down the other side.

He leant back, hoping the others wouldn't let go, supporting himself by pressing his feet against the wall. He could feel the rough surface of the brickwork through the soles of his shoes; he really needed some new ones...

"You alright?" That was Kensuke, voice sounding thin, though the between them wasn't that big. Maybe he was really just worried.

"Yeah," he muttered, then remembered Kensuke couldn't hear him like that and said, louder this time, "yes". Simple as that.

He looked down. The ground was still a respectable distance away - right behind the wall, on the inside, the ground was at least a meter or two lower than outside. Just jumping down would have had painful consequences.

Far behind him, he could see the mansion's silhouette, black and threatening against a sky almost as dark.

Suddenly, he felt like someone had poured ice water into his body, making his gut hurt and twist and freezing his thoughts. He felt blind panic wash over him, drowning him, suffocating him...

How on earth could they have ever been foolish enough to believe this would work? They were street kids, playing burglars, not thinking about the consequences. The police would catch them, of course they would, they were no professionals... They would leave traces somehow, or someone would see them and spill the beans...

There was no way to get out of this. He didn't want his friends to get problems, at least not more than they already had, and, with a sudden calmness that surprised himself, he knew what he could do. He had to prevent the others from getting caught.

Shinji felt like he was watching himself from outside when he slid a hand into his pocket, the knuckles of his other hand turning white with the effort of clinging to the rope.

He pulled out a small object. Silver flashed briefly he flicked the pocket knife open. With some difficulties, he reached up as far as he could and carefully cut the rope. He tried, at least. It turned out to be rather hard and the rope's fibres proved to be quite durable. Finally, he managed to do some damage. About half of the rope was ripped, the other half not looking like it would hold him much longer.

Shinji quickly climbed further down, but when he was merely one and a half meter above the ground, the rope's last intact fibres snapped and with a small outcry, he landed painfully on his behind. He vaguely noticed the rope's other half vanish over the wall.

There were gasps and a thud on the other side.

"Shinji!" Kensuke. "What the hell was that?! What happened?" He sounded _really_ worried now.

Shinji absentmindedly touched his head, flinching when a sharp pain shot through his body. When he looked at his fingers, there was something dark glistening on his skin. Blood. He must have hit a rock or something.

"Shinji?" That was Touji's voice. Shinji snapped out of his daze and quickly wiped his fingers on the grass. The smell of copper and earth almost numbed his thoughts.

"The rope snapped," he said, trying desperately not to sound too guilty. He was doing it for them after all, keeping them out of trouble, nothing wrong with that... But he still felt like a traitor.

"Shit!" Touji again. "How the hell...?" Then, it seemed to sink in. "Damn, Shinji, how will we get inside? And how will we get you out of there?!" He sounded angry, but Shinji knew it wasn't him he was angry with. He was angry with himself, about his helplessness.

Shinji took a deep breathe. "I'm going alone." Very matter-of-factly it sounded, like he actually knew what was doing. He would have given anything right know to actually _do_.

This time he heard not only Touji and Kensuke, but also Asuka. They sounded like they had to refrain badly from shouting.

"You can't be serious!" "What!" "You stupid or what!"

"Look," he whispered hastily, pressing against the wall though he knew they would hear him none the better this way. "It'd take too long to get a second rope. Now or never, right?" When there were no protests, he continued. "I'll get by, okay? No need to worry." If only he himself could believe these words.

The following silence told him the others knew just as well there was no other way. He could hear Touji curse quietly.

"How will you get out?" he heard Kensuke say. Shinji bit his lip. Another problem he hadn't thought about.

"I'll manage," he finally replied. As expected, the others weren't quite comfortable with the answer. There was a long silence. Then -

"Asuka, what -"

Something flew across the wall, spinning around itself, landing some steps from Shinji in the grass. It glinted dangerously. Asuka's gun, along with the small belt.

"Don't you dare lose it or something, stupid!"

Shinji couldn't help but smile faintly at her voice when he picked up the weapon and attached the belt to his leg. It felt weird, dangerous, forbidden, carrying around something that was meant to _kill_... The metal was cold against his thigh.

"Thank you, Asuka," he mumbled, not sure if she could hear it. Quiet as it was, she might. "I'll see you guys," he said then, loud enough for them to hear. Without giving his mind further opportunities to tell him what he was about to do was wrong wrong _wrong_, he stepped away from the wall, making his way to the house.

--

Kaworu's reflection looked back at him with red eyes. His silvery white hair was sticking out behind his ears, he had long by given up to try and tame it.

He sighed and picked up his toothbrush. _And so_, he thought dully, _another one of those days ends._ He closed his eyes and began brushing his teeth.

--

Shinji hesitantly set a foot onto the terrace. A statue of a goddess, which Shinji suspected to be Greek or something similar, placed near the lawn, looked down upon him with eyes of stone, white and emotionless.

It all felt wrong, _so_ wrong.

He pressed against the house's wall. It was rough to his touch, making his skin crawl.

So... Where was he supposed to get in? He tried to remember what the original plan had been. A vague memory of a conversation came to mind.

"_... the glass door on the terrace? You sure that's..."_

Oh, right. There had been a heated debate about how to enter the house. Asuka wanted to simply break a window and get inside to grab the booty. Kensuke had protested, pulling a rather complicated map from his pocket and started explaining a detailed plan that required not only perfect timing but also half an army. Since no one but Kensuke himself had understood how it was supposed to work, they decided to put it aside.

Shinji had liked Touji's suggestion best because it sounded simple and quiet: opening the lock with a pin or something. He had no real idea how it was supposed to work exactly, but it couldn't be that hard... People on TV always managed without practise.

He pulled the knife from his pocket again and flicked a kind of metal toothpick open. It'd have to do.

Minutes passed before he made a step towards the door.

Maybe there was another alarm system... Or a camera... He inhaled deeply, scraping together what was left of his courage - which wasn't really much to be honest.

Taking three wide steps, still keeping as close to the wall as possible, he reached the large glass windows. Inside, he could make out a dark room, perfect and neat and just what his life wasn't. It appeared to be the living room, with a low coffee table, couches, a fireplace and whatnot.

Shinji's breathe hitched when a red light blinked in the dark. His first thought was to just run; though it would all be over anyway if it actually was a camera. He forced himself to stay where he was and peered into the room again; watching out for that small spot of red in the night...

There it was again.

He let out an audible sigh when he recognized the device the light belonged to as a mere DVD player. His nerves were blank, really. If he miraculously managed to through all of this alive, he was going to sleep for _days_ just to get his system down from the constant adrenaline.

"'Kay," he mumbled, stepping to open the door and watching its handle intensely like it was going the door on its own accord for him.

Once again, he became aware of how cold the gun was against his leg. His fingers twitched nervously around the knife's handle.

A look back. No, no one could be watching. There was only the wide lawn, the garden and, in some distance, the wall. The dreaded white wall everything had begun with. The front door was at the house's opposite side.

Without further hesitation he closed his hand around the door's handle, mentally already trying to open the lock with his knife.

The door soundlessly swung open.

_Wow_, he thought. Now _there's_ someone being careless.

Then, he stepped inside.

--

Restlessly, Kaworu turned from one side to the other, desperately trying to get some sleep.

It was useless. There were too many thoughts haunting his mind, forcing him to think about all the things he would much rather would have preferred to forget. The white walls, his parents, the perfection surrounding him, the others in his class, the white walls, the latest homework, the colours spilt on his new shirt, _the goddamn white walls_...

He sat up, pulling his knees up until they rested against his forehead, holding onto his head like it was going to burst if he didn't. His ears were filled with his own erratic breathing, chest heaving.

It took him a few minutes to even his breathing out again.

Damn... Those weird fits of his had occured more often lately. He just did wonder why - it wasn't like his problems had only started shortly ago. The walls had been driving him nuts since he had been a small boy, his parents had always been like that...

Kaworu absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair. He needed Manon. And he needed her _now_.

Throwing back the covers, he got up.

--

Shinji decided to stay in the room where he was - there was enough stuff that looked valuable and he wasn't keen on invading the house further.

He pulled a bag from the large pocket on his right thigh - he knew exactly why he had chosen these pants.

He still was nervous about the gun. The thought of carrying around possible death made him feel sick. Besides, he didn't have the slightest clue of how to handle the weapon. Asuka surely did, talented as she was in close to everything, but he, Shinji, was merely afraid of it. What if a shot went off and he hurt himself or damaged something?

Forcing that thought into the back of his mind, he let his fingers wander across the metal. It was supposed to help him, to protect him... Asuka had given it to him because she _cared_...

He reached for a small porcelain statue on the coffee table. It was kind of abstract and Shinji wasn't able to make out any familiar motifs. It felt smooth against his palms. He laid it into his bag.

With this action, it seemed to him that nothing did really matter anymore. He was a thief. A burglar. He did what he knew was wrong.

Shinji stared at his knees. He suddenly felt very lonely.

--

Kaworu made no sound when he went down the stairs again, in his mind already somewhere else. To the left, through the corridor... The room was at the very end of the house, so his parents wouldn't hear much when he was there.

Usually, he would carefully shut the door behind him, but now he didn't care. He left it wide open.

He didn't even bother switching the light on. He opened the window, a breeze coming in. Brushing past him with a soft murmur of the world out there.

Kneeling down, Kaworu pulled a case towards him, hastily flicking open the three locks.

Immediately his unusual hastiness left him. With his fingertips, he traced Manon's elegant curves, the strings, the varnish shining beneath his fingers.

He took Manon out of her case, bow in the other hand, and stood.

The world around him vanished when Kaworu started to play.

--

Shinji's heart skipped when he heard a door creak.

Footsteps. Footsteps in the hall.

He swallowed. This was not good. He held his breathe, waiting for the other person to come in. It was over, no way could he get out of this now. He was trapped.

He refused to breathe until he felt dizzy and black stars started flickering across his vision; only then did he dare to exhale again.

The door remained closed. Shinji frowned. How the hell could anyone be here anyway? Kensuke had said the manager and his wife would be on a business trip, how could they possibly be here? Or did they have a pet? A dog maybe?

No, he thought, slowly shaking his had. They wouldn't leave it alone for several days, that's just stupid.

Or maybe... He suddenly felt light-headed. Maybe it was the others! Yes, of course! They had found another way inside and now they were here to find him! To help him!

Fueled by a sudden adrenaline kick, he pried the door open and followed the quiet footsteps. They stopped around a corner, in a room down the corridor, and he could her a case or something similar being opened.

Oh, sure. He pouted a little. 'Course they're taking the money and stuff before getting me.

He was right near the door now, he could already feel a gentle breeze coming in, caressing his cheeks. Ah, so they had entered through a window...

His breathe hitched and he froze when a few notes reached his ears. They trembled in the dark, then became soft and smooth and entwined to form a melody wavering through the air.

Shinji knew Asuka could play the violin, but for one he was sure she wouldn't play in such a moment, at a foreign house, amidst a burglary, second, she didn't have her violin with her and third, it didn't sound like her. Even if she was good, the fragile yet powerful tones that made him feel like being enchanted weren't her style. She would have played more vigorously and certainly... weird as it sounded, more earthly. The someone that played here rather seemed to be pulling music from the air than coaxing it out of a wooden instrument.

Shinji knew that, he had played the cello himself and he had often enough heard other strings and this... This was the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard.

Thus, he did the most stupid thing he'd ever done. He made a further step and looked into the room.

The other boy was soaked in moonlight, skin and hair shimmering with a rich silver. He had his eyes closed - Shinji wouldn't have been able to tell their color anyway as they were hid by shadows. On his face was an expression of absolute peace and tranquility.

Small reflections flitted across the violin's polished surface like stars caught in a jar. The boy's movements were completely fluid, flowing from one tone to the other.

The song ended, the last notes spreading slowly through the air, their resonance echoing in Shinji's mind as they faded.

The other boy looked up. In a movement that Shini barely noticed, he put the violin aside and looked at him, eyes still obscured by shadows.

Shinji felt panic arise and, without a further thought, he pulled the gun from its belt. This was scaring him, all of this was scaring him. He didn't want to be here or hurt the boy that looked so peaceful in front of him or take away anything from him. All he wanted was being far away or running, running, just running from everything haunting his mind right now.

The wind ruffled both boys' hair, making the silver-haired one look even more ethereal than he already did, soft shadows dancing across his pale face.

With a disgustingly loud thud, the lid of the violin's case fell shut.

Shinji flinched, fingers unconsciously tightening around the weapon. The deafening bang of the shot made him drop it, clinking briefly as it hit the floor.

He felt everything blur around him when he fell against the doorframe, eyes wide, staring ahead and seeing nothing.

The other boy looked directly into his eyes. Shinji could see his face clearly now. There was a streak of red at his cheek where the bullet had grazed his skin, the expression was calm, peaceful and attentive. His eyes were red. Blood red.

"You're bleeding," the boy said.


	2. Violin songs and hearts in the dark

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Violin songs and hearts in the dark**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 2/34**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shonen-Ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,529**

"You're bleeding," the boy said.

Shinji stared. A soft trickle of blood ran down the other's cheek.

"You too," he remarked, barely noticing he had actually said it aloud. This had to be a nightmare, some bad dream, concocted by too many long nights of guilty thoughts... Everything about this was much too unreal. He couldn't almost shoot someone - a total stranger at that -, then have that someone tell him _he_ was bleeding. He was supposed to panic, to shout and call the police or something. Not look at him like that and come closer and...

"There," the boy murmured, brushing a finger over Shinji's hair, a little above his temples. The touch was feather-light, he almost didn't feel it at all. A shiver ran down his spine when the hand was pulled back and the fingertips darkened slightly with blood.

Shinji said nothing. Every moment, he would wake and someone would yell at him because he was crying in his sleep again and kept the others from resting... Wouldn't be the first time.

The other teen touched his own face as if realising only now that he was wounded. He looked at his bloody fingers. Shinji, though his head was still spinning from everything, couldn't help but notice that the dark beads of liquid and his eyes were of exactly the same shade - he couldn't really _see_ it in the silvery white sheen the sallow moonlight pouring into the room covered everything with, but - and he felt extremely stupid and awkward for thinking this - he could somehow just _feel_ it.

"I think I should get some first aid stuff or something," the boy said softly, just as if he was talking to himself, and looked at Shinji like he expected an answer. When none came, he stepped past him and vanished in the dark. Shinji stayed motionless.

When the boy had passed him, he had caught a nose full of his scent. It was a nice scent. He smelled of freshly washed cotton and wood and old paper and... blood. The blood that stained his fingers and face. He shivered slightly in the chilly breeze that flowed inside through the still opened window. The air tasted bitter.

Far off, he could make out a small dark spot in the otherwise flawless white wall. That must be where the stray bullet had hit. Straight out of the window, without damaging anything else. Shinji found himself strangely comforted by this. He wondered why.

Standing in silence, the sudden thought of what the others were doing right now popped up inside him. Were they waiting for him? He was almost sure. He could vividly picture Asuka cursing about his incapability to do _anything_ right, Touji sitting around moping, not willing to admit that he was seriously worried, and Kensuke spacing out, off in some daydream about combat and honour. Where would they be waiting? Right behind the wall, where he had left them? Or maybe across the street, from where you could look at the house's front.

Shinji didn't dare to think about if they might see him getting arrested from wherever they were now. The thought was too overwhelming for him to let his mind linger on it.

Then, there was that boy. Shinji had come to the conclusion that he was not normal. No normal person would act like that. He tried not to think of the fact that he himself wouldn't usually be considered _normal_. Still, the boy was acting very curious. Why on earth would anyone point out to a picklock he had just caught in his own house that he was in serious need of some first aid? Really, it was ridiculous.

Shinji mentally crossed out his last thought. Calling the boy ridiculous felt like an act of blasphemy. It was altogether wrong. He had not done what he - justified enough - could have to get rid of the worthless housebreaker that had dared to betray his friends - and Shinji by now really felt like he had betrayed them, how long had they planned this and how much was he risking by thinking he could manage on his own? - and instead had even offered his help. In a really strange way, to say the least. But the street kid could not help but feel that he ought to be grateful somehow. The other one had given him the chance to get out of this.

Enigmatic, the brunette silently corrected himself. But not ridiculous.

As if called up by his thoughts, the silver-haired teenager returned, a patch already on his cheek. The trace of blood was gone from his pale skin and Shinji secretly wondered why he was a little disappointed because of this. Maybe it had been the feeling that he, ordinary as anything, had been able to affect such beauty.

The teen looked at him, seemingly pondering something. Then he made a vague step forward.

"Come," he said. "We have to get that taken care of..."

Shinji decided to play along. It didn't seem like the boy was going to call the police yet - what if he had already done so while pretending to get bandages or something?! - and he didn't want to make him by trying to run off or something.

Besides, and he was grateful the room was quite dark so the boy couldn't see the light blush tinting his cheeks, he found he started to be intrigued by the other's presence. It seemed like he was radiating calmness and peace like an extraordinary perfume, making Shinji want to breathe it all in and just relish the fact it was there and he was chosen to make contact with it.

But maybe he had just gone mad after all and just not noticed yet. The likeliness seemed to increase dramatically with every passing second.

The boy turned away from Shinji, one hand on the doorframe, gazing back at him. The look clearly told him to follow and Shinji himself was surprised by how gladly he complied. Leaving the corridor behind, they passed the great hall with the huge staircase leading up deeper into the house and entered the living room. The silver-haired boy didn't switch the lights on.

The brunette only now really took the room in. When he had first entered, he had been much too busy worrying about everything and nothing - but, he silently wondered, wasn't there just as much reason to worry right now? Why didn't he? - to really pay attention. But now, he felt slightly overwhelmed by the wealth and perfection all around.

The room had two straight walls mitring in a right angle, the third wall was curved and consisted almost entirely of glass panels. One could not look inside from outside the estate, the huge white wall - it seemed infinitely far away to Shinji now - was right across the lawn and shielded the living room from stares. The fireplace was embedded in the wall to his left, cool white stone only slightly darkened where - so he pictured - bright, merry flames must dance in hot bliss sometimes. In the room's centre, there was a glass coffee table, surrounded by two white couches, a larger and a smaller one, and an armchair. It reflected the pale light from outside and, so Shinji thought, the diffuse white spot in one corner of it had to be the moon's mirror image.

It was almost disturbing to see how much the pale boy fitted into the room and at the same time didn't. His looks matched the ambience perfectly, red eyes a strong contrast to all the white around, but the vibes he emanated were that of an unwilling decoration, an involuntary toy dropped into a place it didn't want to be. A bird, trapped in a gilded cage.

Shinji could have died from shame when the boy saw his bag on the floor and the sculpture poking out of it, the evidence of his crime, and looked a little surprised.

It was weird. Of course he had to know by now that Shinji was a burglar. How could he not, sneaking around his house, wearing black clothes and having a gun with him? Funny that he felt like having been caught in the act now when the boy saw the traces of his intents. Like a child that was caught with the empty cookie bowl in its hands, mouth covered in chocolate and crumpets.

Shinji hated himself for the guilt he felt about having tried to steal something from the person who right now seemed strangely concerned about him.

"Sit down."

Shinji's head jerked up when the voice abruptly brought him back to reality. He had been so deep in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the boy getting bandages and some clean-up stuff - he was now sitting on the couch, looking up expectantly. Shinji felt awkward, someone like that shouldn't be looking up to a shabby street kid. He quickly sat down.

The boy's voice was very boyish and mature at the same time. Smooth and not really deep, but having already lost somewhat its childlike nature.

Shinji watched silently when the other teen dipped a cloth into clear water, sparkling in the glass bowl next to him. He couldn't help but gasp softly when the cold fabric touched his skin - not to mention the gentle fingers accompanying it.

"I'm Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu."

Shinji gave him an unsure look. A faint smile was lingering in the corners of the other's mouth.

"Well, you have to call me somehow, right?" Shinji nodded unconsciously. Surely the boy - _no, Kaworu_, he reminded himself - would ask for his name now. That'd make it easier for the police to find him.

There was a small, indefinable sound as Kaworu's fingernails briefly made contact with the bowl's smooth surface. No questions followed. The brunette accepted it thankfully, yet still somewhat unbelieving.

For some minutes, there was silence. Only the quiet water splashes and Shinji's poorly suppressed moans every now and then when the water made his wound sting with pain. The scene was almost abstract, calmness and curiosity and excitement and fear each fought for dominance over the situation, filling it with an odd tension. Shinji heard his own breathing disturbingly loud.

Kaworu finally put the clothe aside - the bowl's formerly clear content had turned dull and reddish brown by now. Shinji preferred not to look at it for too long.

The sound when the other boy ripped open a pack of gauze cracked the silence with its noise. He placed it on the wound with great care, holding it in place to wrap the bandage over it.

"Why are you doing this?" Shinji asked quietly, saying out loud what he'd been thinking throughout the whole procedure. Inwardly, he was surprised himself about how clear his voice sounded, not trembling in the least. It didn't match how he felt at all.

"Mh?" Kaworu gave him a questioning look out of the corner of his eyes.

"All of this." Shinji shrugged helplessly. A pale hand passed in front of his face as the other teen began wrapping the bandage around his head. It was almost eerie how milky white that skin seemed in the semidarkness.

"What else should I do?" he asked, an expression of calm concentration in his eyes that he had focused on what he was doing again.

"I don't know." Oh, how he did. "Throw me out or call the police or something."

The hands stopped. "Do you want me to throw you out?" Kaworu asked softly. Shinji found he did not need to think long about the answer. "No."

"Well, then." The hands picked up their work again. Shinji occasionally felt the fingers brush against his hair, or his ear. It tickled. It felt... almost nice. Kaworu reached the end of the bandage and pressed it lightly against Shinji's temple.

"Hold it," he murmured, shifting to get some plaster from a small box on the floor. Shinji watched soft shadows play across his hair and neck.

"It's Shinji."

Kaworu turned. "Mh?" "Ikari Shinji. My name."

He smiled. "Nice to meet you. Shinji." Then, he sat next to him again to finish his work.

--

"You sure you'll get by alone?" Kensuke asked sceptically and earned a sniffy look from Asuka.

"How old do you think I am?" she replied sharply. "Three? I'll manage much better without such idiots like you around."

Kensuke didn't reply. He wasn't in the mood now to get into an argument with her now - his thoughts were still occupied by Shinji. How could it have possibly happened that the rope had snapped? He had checked and double-checked it several times and every inch had seemed pretty okay to him. But maybe he had overlooked something, though... Maybe it was his fault Shinji was in there now, all on his own. He felt pretty miserable.

They were standing at the street crossing about a kilometre from the house. They had decided it was no use if they all kept sitting around in the cold all night, waiting for Shinji to get out. Kensuke and Touji had exchanged surprised glances when Asuka had immediately volunteered to stay. She had accompanied it with the explanation that she was going to kick his ass for managing to make the rope snap as soon as he showed his stupid head outside, but they both thought in silence that she probably just had a thing for him. Not that she showed it openly, but the way she always teased him and was angry at him if he didn't react in the desired way told them more than they wanted to know. It was like in one of those corny movies, really.

"Come back as soon as he's out, okay?" Kensuke finally said and was, as usual, rewarded with a "You think I'm stupid?" look by Asuka.

"Oh, sure," she hissed and rolled her eyes. "You think I'd want to keep that dumbass company longer than I have to? _Also, manchmal frage ich mich echt, ob du noch alle Tassen im Schrank hast._" Her last words were some muttered curses in German and Kensuke was pretty sure he didn't even want to know what exactly she said. It didn't sound like she was telling him how nice a guy he was.

Touji snorted. "Are you two done? It's getting cold."

Asuka turned away and crossed her arms. "'Course, I'm done with him." With that she stomped off and soon was gone in the dark. Touji and Kensuke looked after her.

"You know," Kensuke said, nudging Touji with his elbow, "I have a bad feeling about this. Seriously."

--

"So..." Kaworu stretched lazily. "Don't you want to tell me why you're here?" He looked at Shinji who had gone a little pale and uncomfortably stared down at his knees. The brunette once again noticed how worn his clothes were. The black fabric had turned grey already.

"Part of a break-in," he muttered. "Obviously."

Kaworu nodded thoughtfully. "Alone?"

Shinji shook his head. "The rope snapped." The second after he had said that, he could have slapped himself. Risking his own safety by telling his name was one thing. Revealing that there were others in it as well was infinitely more. It spoiled all his attempts to save them trouble by going in alone. He bit his lower lip.

"I won't ask for others," Kaworu interrupted his train of thought. "Promise. No danger to them."

Shinji stared at him. That boy made no sense to him. He didn't _understand_. And it scared him.

"Why?" he finally managed to bring out in a tone barely louder than a whisper. He didn't trust his voice to rise louder than this. There was a definite lump in his throat. "You have no reason not to call the police immediately."

Kaworu drew closer until his face was merely a hand from his own. Shinji wanted to pull away at first but quickly decided to stay in place. The ruby eyes in front of him definitely demanded attention and he wasn't about to refuse. He could have spent hours looking at them. Corny. He didn't give a damn for now.

Seconds passed as both boys stared at each other. Blood red meeting midnight blue. Brown hair a sharp contrast to almost white.

"You have lonely eyes," Kaworu murmured, making it sound like it was a reason more than good enough to let Shinji be here. He leant back and crossed his arms behind his head.

Shinji blinked. The sudden closeness had made his heart speed up somewhat and now it didn't seem like it was going to slow down again. There just too many questions about the strange boy swirling around in his head.

Kaworu gave him a side glance. "Why did you want to do this raid?" he asked. And caught Shinji, still staring at him in puzzlement, completely off-guard.

Shinji opened his mouth slightly, then shut it again, looking down at his hands and ended up occupying them with fumbling nervously with the hem of his shirt. He felt like a stupid child, acting like this. Something clicked inside him. A stupid child. Useless. Unwanted.

"We need the money," he said. "We barely have enough to survive and Yuichi needs new shoes. Touji and Asuka, too." His voice suddenly grew bitter. Why was he telling all of this? That boy, sitting there nonchalantly in his light pants and shirt, obviously used to all the luxury and money... Why did he tell him? Wasn't it obvious that they didn't have enough money, couldn't the boy tell by looking at his dirty shoes, his battered clothes? Did he even like to hear him say it out loud like it wasn't bad enough when only thought?

Shinji was surprised to find his hands and jaw clenched, his voice strained as he spoke.

"We have to steal to get by, there's not enough food for everyone and we can't afford to let a doctor check on the ill ones." He wondered secretly as he heard himself talking louder and louder, rage taking over, until he almost shouted. "We have to live somehow! Why not take it from those who already have more than enough?!"

Dark eyes watched him intently and Shinji became painfully aware of how he was acting. He quickly sat down again; he hadn't even noticed he had stood up at all.

Kaworu stood up, going over to the window. He didn't look at Shinji who felt like he had said something terribly nasty. His voice was void of blame or anger when he spoke, though.

"What about your parents?"

Shinji looked aside. "I don't want to talk about it," he said. He was still breathing somewhat more heavily than usual. He felt already ashamed for his small tantrum. Because, really, in what position was _he_ to get angry?

"Mh." Kaworu laid a hand onto the smooth glass. "Are you ashamed of them?"

An image of his mother flashed through his mind, followed closely by his father's face. "Maybe."

Kaworu nodded slightly. "I see."

Silence ensued. Shinji watched shadows trace the floor as clouds made their way through the night sky, obscuring the moon every now and then.

"The song," he suddenly said, the words bubbling up from nowhere. He silently wondered where he took the boldness from to initiate a conversation.

"...mh?" Kaworu turned around to look at him, a slightly puzzled expression on his face.

Shinji felt a blush creep into his cheeks. "The song you played. What's it called?" He could already sense the well-known fear well up in the back of his mind. Losing control. Helplessness. All he could do was ask. And hope.

Kaworu smiled and sat down cross-legged where he stood. The moonlight made the edges of his hair glow like a silvery halo.

It was his warm smile that told Shinji more than the boy had probably intended to say - that the music meant everything to him, that it reached deep enough into his heart to coax this smile out of him. A smile that made Shinji feel like he had missed a step going down a stairway. It was boyish and void of the mature composure that Shinji had observed in all his actions by now.

He felt a little proud, an odd pride at that. About the fact that he asked Kaworu questions and got answers like he was equal with him. That he got more answers out of him than he had asked for aloud. Like he actually had some of the power about him that he felt radiate from Kaworu and that he couldn't withstand.

"Lilium," Kaworu replied, letting the syllables gently roll off his tounge. "By Kawabe Chieko."

"It's beautiful," Shinji said single-heartedly. Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him, but he could have bet there was an excited sparkle in Kaworu's eyes as he straightened up a little.

"Isn't it?"

Shinji nodded. he nervously rubbed the joint of his left thumb. "Could - could you play it again? ... Please?"

For a moment, Kaworu looked seriously taken aback. Then, the corner of his mouth curved into another smile. "Sure." He got up and left the room, disappearing into the darkness through the door. The brunette noticed with fascination how little noise he made when he moved.

Shinji slid down the couch and sat on the floor, head still resting on the cushions. He let out a small sigh and stared at the ceiling. An unfamiliar ceiling. It was high up - a very large room, really. But it wasn't as huge as the abandoned factory that was his current home.

He suddenly became aware of how heavy his body felt. Warm and soft and heavy. Chest moving up and down gently with every breathe he took. He inhaled deeply. Kaworu's scent still lingered faintly in the air.

He didn't know what made him act like he did. Behaving like that was not normal. Not after attempting a raid and nearly shooting someone. Not with a boy. But, and he didn't know if he should consider this good or bad news, he wasn't exactly normal in general. He decided not to care.

A quiet thud made him cringe and jerk his head up. Kaworu had already returned, the violin's case held tightly in his arms and was just putting it down to open it. Shinji found himself getting to his knees, curiously watching as the three locks were opened by pale fingers. It clicked disturbingly loud every time a hook snapped open. With a soft, creaking noise the lid was lifted.

Kaworu took out the violin and adjusted the shoulder rest. His moves were fluid and showed he had done this so often he'd long by lost count. Then, he drew the bow.

Shinji retreated respectfully and sat to lean against the wall while Kaworu rose, the same content expression as before on his face. He raised the bow and began to play.

It was a short piece, barely half and a minute. Shinji kept his eyes shut and just let the music work its magic on him. High notes changed smoothly to darker ones to rise into trembling heights again, a constant up-and-down of peaceful beauty.

When the piece ended, there was a moment's silence before another one began and Shinji looked up. He _knew_ that song. It was entirely different from the former one, much more forceful and less ethereal. He unconsciously mouthed the text.

_I kept my mouth shut from the start_

_I guess I left you in the dark_

_You thought you knew me but you don't_

_You say you'll love me but you won't_

_When you find out who I am_

He had often heard this song when - when he had still lived with his father. It had touched him in a place he hadn't even expected to exist within him. It reminded him of a past he didn't have, how he had lost a love he didn't remember anymore. Sometimes he wondered if it was a memory of a past life. Or a life that another Shinji Ikari lived somewhere out there. He didn't know.

He felt his body relax, slumping back against the wall. He was tired from running and hiding; not only physically, but even more so mentally. So tired... He barely noticed as his eyes slid shut.

Kaworu looked up from his playing - he could play the song blindly, he had done it so many times before - and nearly missed a note upon finding Shinji resting against the wall, eyes closed, mouth opened slightly, all the wariness and defense that had tinted his posture up to now gone. Kaworu immediately decided he liked it much better. Secretly he thought the boy looked like a puppet fallen out of some fairytale, lying there with his face adorned by light and shadow. Ragged and dirty maybe, but still longing for someone to play with. He looked very fragile.

All too soon, the song ended. After having another rather ferocious part, it blended into a last line that was soft and quiet, almost regretting. Everything grew still.

Shinji didn't move. Kaworu tilted his head. He couldn't be asleep...?

After carefully storing Manon back in her case, not before clandestinely placing a brief kiss on the scroll, he slowly approached the other boy who was still motionless. Only the gentle rising and falling of his chest told Kaworu he was still alive at all.

He knelt down. A sudden urge to touch the teen welled up inside him. Not touch him _like that_ or something, but he felt the strong need to make sure this wasn't just a dream, a feverish succession of pictures that his mind had made up to tear from his grasp when he woke. He didn't want him to vanish, the lost child that had so suddenly stumbled into his life and was so entirely new and different from everything he had known up to now.

He smelled of earth and dirt and something very sweet underneath - _of life_, Kaworu thought -; it was enough to make Kaworu dizzy with its richness.

He settled next to the sleeping boy, arms folded behind his head. What an odd night this was. Whatever path he had expected his life to take, this most certainly wasn't it. Not that he would complain, mind you. He liked the turn the road had taken.

He smiled self-ironically. How he thought this night was going to change his entire life. Maybe he'd never see Shinji again after tonight. Maybe this was just a meaningless encounter, a short episode to end tomorrow.

He gave Shinji a side glance and wondered if he was dreaming. It still surprised him how he could just fall asleep here like that. He had been so defensive all the time.

Kaworu closed his eyes and pulled his knees close. Before he drifted off, he only wished the boy wouldn't be gone when he opened them again.

**I'm sorry it took me two weeks to update - I wanted to update weekly originally, but I did some editing in this chapter and I ended up adding more than 1,000 words. It actually was much shorter! And I'm still not really content with it. Major OOC all the way sigh **

**I hope you like it, though - it gets better later, promise. And I'll work harder to make the story better, I'm going to edit all chapters before uploading. (And I still have to type 4 chapters! I'm writing by hand, you know, and type it off later.) **

**Um... much mushy KaworuShinji interaction in this one. Yippity skippity! And it's not gonna end soon! Weeeh! ... Sorry for that, inner fangirl. **

**And I wanna thank everyone who posted a comment. You guys make up for all the work! I got few comments, but nice ones (mainly) and that's what counts. I only wonder why some people have to post something about yaoi (this is not yaoi! !) being gross if I wrote "don't like, don't read, no flames". Ridiculous.**

**Oh, and in case anyone wonders what Asuka's been cursing: "Sometimes I really wonder if you still have all mugs in your cupboard." It's a German saying that means pretty much the same as "one beer short of a sixpack" **


	3. Morning Chill

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Morning Chill**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 3/34**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Still shounen-ai, still AU. And major OOC, I guess. **

**Word Count: 3,930**

**Dedication to Emma this time, even if she might never read it.**

Asuka pulled the hem of her turtleneck up to cover her face up to her nose. It was awfully cold and her hands had gone numb by long, but she wasn't about to leave. That idiot just _had_ to come out of there at some point. He couldn't stay in the house forever. If only she knew what he was doing! Even if one was as slow as Shinji, it was impossible to take so long to just grab some valuable-looking stuff (though he would surely stand around dumbly, looking at everything closely and not being able to decide on something instead of just grabbing _all_) and get out.

She was hiding in the thicket across the street (and she had had to bushwhack her way here) and fighting desperately against the chill that was creeping up her spine. How long had she been sitting here now? She had no watch, but considering that dawn was nearing - and a cold dawn it was! - she guessed it had to be at least five or more hours.

She rubbed her hands together and blew her warm breath on the cold skin. Really, about damn time he came back.

"I'll kill you if you don't come back," she muttered and did barely register that she didn't sound as angry as she wanted to - her voice was tinted with worry.

* * *

Shinji refused to wake up at first. He didn't want to realise it had all been a dream. But, as everyday, reality was stronger than his mind's sleepy protests.

He rolled back his shoulder. The surface he was lying on was hard - he probably had rolled off his improvised bed while sleeping.

Shinji frowned when he noticed his blanket had obviously disappeared to somewhere. He reached out for it blindly but his fingers merely touched the wooden floor. He groaned silently and wrinkled his nose. Where could it -

_Waitaminute._ Wooden floor? _What_ wooden floor?

He opened his eyes and sat up abruptly.

The large room was neat and white, light flooding in through the huge windows, soft and pale as it always was shortly after dawn. Several steps away, there was a violin case on the floor with three carefully shut locks.

Shinji slowly turned his head.

Kaworu's cheek rested on his left knee that was pulled to his chest. His other leg had slipped away, toes almost touching Shinji's thigh. He slept deeply, breathe steady and hair falling softly into his face.

Shinji absentmindedly kept watching him. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't just get up and leave... Well, he could. But there was the slight hindrance that he didn't want to.

"Nh..."

He almost flinched when Kaworu stirred and gave a small groan that told him this way of sleeping was the best way to make friends with spinal problems soon.

Shinji was painfully aware of his blatant staring, but he couldn't tear his gaze away when dark red eyes cracked open and revealed to be even deeper than they had looked in the dark. So many facets of red tinting his irises, from ladybug to dried blood.

He swallowed when said eyes, still somewhat clouded by sleep, finally cleared and found their focus on him.

There was something uncomfortable about all of this that he himself couldn't quite describe. Everything was bathed in light and he felt ashamed of how the other boy could see his dirty clothes and, most of all, his face. Kaworu obviously took no notice, though, and if he did, he didn't show.

"Good morning... Shinji." He rubbed the side of his face with the back of his hand. Shinji felt like he wanted to pinch his cheek.

He managed a faint smile - it obviously was enough of an answer to Kaworu for he averted his eyes to close them and stretch in a very cat-like manner. Then he tilted his head back against the wall.

"I should get dressed or something, I guess," he mumbled, almost like he was talking to himself. He turned to look at Shinji again. "You won't run away while I'm changing?," he inquired, lips curved slightly in a smile.

He shook his head. He felt it wasn't nice not to say anything all the time, so he added "I won't - er, Nagisa" to at least appear to be capable of talking in full sentences while being around the other boy.

To his utter surprise, Kaworu's eyes twinkled with amusement as he grinned and obviously attempted to stifle a chuckle. "No need to be so formal. 'Kaworu' is just fine."

Shinji blinked. This meant offering him to be equal with the other boy. He hesitated to accept it. There was too much beautiful and mysterious about Kaworu. Accepting meant rising to his level or Kaworu sinking to his. Neither seemed right to Shinji. Then again, it was Kaworu's wish.

After a moment of silent pondering, he answered. "Okay. _Kaworu_." Kaworu smiled and so did Shinji - for the first time since he was here.

The silver-haired teen rose. "You know," he remarked, already almost out of the door, "you should smile more often. It makes you look so nice." With that, he left a heavily blushing and seriously bewildered Shinji in the living room.

* * *

"Hey." Touji sat down next to Kensuke who had been awfully quiet all the time. He was sitting at the edge of the flat roof, knees pulled close, arms wrapped around them.

"Hey," Kensuke responded but didn't look at him. Touji gave a sigh and let his feet dangle off the edge. "Come on, what's up. It's not normal for you to be all quiet."

Kensuke gave him a brief side glance, then gazed ahead again. "Shinji," he mumbled. "I'm worried about him. He should have come back by long now." Touji frowned. He himself had been thinking about this ever since they had left Asuka to wait for Shinji.

"I'm sure he's okay," he tried to assure his friend. "Asuka would have shown up if something had gone wrong. Besides, Shinji's quite safe in there - he's alone, the alarm system is off, he can just walk out when he's done.

"Tch." Kensuke pulled a face. "Then why hasn't he come back yet? If it's so easy?"

Touji bit his lip and pretended to watch a bird in the distance go into a dive when his thoughts were elsewhere altogether. "I don't know." He picked up a stone - he wondered how it had come here - and threw it down into the bushes snuggled against the building's side. A red cat hissed angrily and fled, quickly vanishing behind a corner.

He wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Really, I don't know."

* * *

Kaworu had put on simple khaki pants and an olive green shirt. It was slightly baggy on his wiry frame.

Shinji was still sitting on the floor when he re-entered, some traces of pink still in his cheeks. He glanced up when Kaworu came in.

"Ne," the silver-haired boy remarked, "you're still wearing you're shoes. Isn't that uncomfortable?" Shinji looked at his feet like seeing them for the very first time and remained like that for a moment before fumbling with the laces and pulling the sneakers off, putting them aside neatly. Kaworu smiled.

"You want something for breakfast?" he asked, sat down casually on the back of the couch and looked at Shinji expectantly.

Shinji stared at him. "Breakfast?" he repeated blankly. He hadn't thought once about something as normal as breakfast since he had come here and the idea of doing so now appeared odd to him. His stomach attracted attention to itself, however, with a growl before he could say anything. Kaworu's smile turned into a grin. "I'll take that as a 'yes'." He stood. "Um... Is toast or something okay?" He looked unsure of himself suddenly.

Shinji thought back to when he had last eaten toast. A deep voice came to mind, his own screaming, a jar shattered on the floor... No pleasant memories. When remembering it he could never figure the food's real taste anymore. It just seemed vaguely sour to him.

"Hey." Kaworu snapped his fingers as the other teen stared into thin air. The blue eyes focused on him and Shinji nodded hastily.

"Toast's fine," he mumbled and got up quickly. Kaworu looked at him oddly. He felt like he had touched a sensitive spot in Shinji that he wasn't supposed to see. Not yet, he wished.

He vaguely gestures towards the door, all at once feeling very awkward. He felt himself getting nervous about the other's presence, like he was an intruder interrupting something very personal. "Come," he said. "Let's see what's there to eat."

Shinji didn't respond but followed closely when the other boy left the room. He felt a little numbed. Usually, he tried to think as few as possible about his - about _him_, and managed pretty well by shoving every thought to the back of his mind. Where that sudden flash of memory had come from, he had no idea. It was like he and his mind were stripped of all mental defences he had so carefully built up, now open to free access from outside. It made him afraid.

They crossed the great hall again, this time making their way to a different corridor. It was broader and a little higher and very white. When Shinji's gaze fell onto Kaworu again after taking in his surroundings, he noticed that he was tensed up somewhat. Not much, but in comparison to his former, smooth way of moving, he was definitely somewhat stiff. He also noticed the corner of a white handkerchief peeping out of his hip pocket. Shinji wondered if he paid too much attention.

The kitchen was modern, with a high ceiling, and Shinji was more than a little surprised to see food spread across the table, carelessly dropped there. A jar of cookies had spilled its contents all over the surface. It was weird - it made the impression on him that the room was pretty close to being sterile otherwise, that this was almost an act of rebellion against the house and it's order. He screwed his eyes shut for a moment. He _really_ thought too much.

Kaworu had, for the first time in Shinji's presence, turned a nice shade of pink, face flushed with embarrassment. He had completely forgotten about this. Yesterday, he had thrown a little tantrum, almost childish so, and made a point of leaving the kitchen as untidy as possible. Should they shout at him or scold him. He didn't care. He had just needed to do something to disturb order - he felt he would have gone mad otherwise.

But now, standing here with his, well, guest, - _how that sounded!_ - he felt stupid. His parents weren't going to see it anyway, so why did he make such a fuss about it? He wasn't going to be noticed.

Kaworu hurriedly picked up the supplies from the table and stuffed them into their respective places. He carefully avoided looking at the other boy - but he was sure to sense his gaze on him. It made him more careful not to drop anything.

Done, he turned to Shinji, an excusatory smile appeared on his face. "Sorry," he apologized. "Usually it's much more, um, tidy." He hesitated briefly before continuing. "I just needed to..." He broke off.

"... break some rules?"

He looked up at the soft voice finishing his sentence so perfectly as if its speaker had often enough used the same words.

"Yes," Kaworu said tonelessly, still gazing at the other teen. "Break some rules."

They looked at each other in silence. Kaworu felt his vis-à-vis had already had his share of rule-breaking. He wondered what had made him so shy and tentative. On the other hand, maybe he wasn't always like this. He probably behaved differently from normal after nearly shooting someone. Only natural. Sure.

He couldn't shrug off the thought, though, that said wariness was a habit so long-kept that he didn't even abandon it in such situations. Somehow, it made Kaworu sad.

Shinji, meanwhile, suddenly felt like he did understand a little of what was going on with the other one. He himself had behaved just the same, back then. He felt he ought to say something.

"It's just no use if no one sees it, you know," he muttered, looking aside, but he was pretty sure Kaworu had heard him - he could tell by the look he regarded him with. It made him feel fidgety.

Shinji forced a smile onto his face and tilted his head slightly. This was getting out of control and he wanted to avoid spilling anything about himself. He didn't want to remember.

"What's with the toast, then?" he asked innocently.

Kaworu let his eyes linger on Shinji's face for another few seconds and turned away then to pull a jar with red content out of a nearby cupboard. "Is jam okay?" he returned the counter question. He didn't want to make Shinji uncomfortable with inquiries.

Shinji nodded in agreement. Inwardly, he let out a relieved sigh. No questions. Thank heavens. He had already let slip too much anyway.

They spent the next minutes without talking, Shinji sitting on a chair at the table, sipping at a glass of orange juice Kaworu had put down in front of him, watching him make the toasts. He could almost feel a self-ironic smile tug at the corners of his mouth at the absurdity of the scene. Almost.

He rested his chin in the palm of his left hand and absentmindedly looked at Kaworu busying himself at the kitchen counter. His thoughts drifted off to Asuka, Touji and Kensuke again. Surely they would be worrying about him. He'd have to go back soon, somehow. He felt weird at the thought of leaving. On one hand, he wanted to get back to normality, _his_ normality, and forget about everything that intruded this small world of his. On the other hand, he really enjoyed being around Kaworu. He made everything feel new and adventurous and different. Insecure. He was afraid of it, yet it intrigued him. Usually, he didn't like anything that disturbed his way of dealing with things - shoving it as far from him as possible. Kaworu got him thinking of doing otherwise. He made Shinji fear for his one secret hide-away - his own heart and the barrier he had built up around it.

"There," Kaworu's voice interrupted his brooding. He looked up to see him put a plate in front of him, two toasts covered in red jam on it. Shinji mumbled his thanks and kept looking at the table when the other teen sat down with his own plate.

"Well, then." Kaworu looked at him. "Enjoy." Shinji let a small smile graze his own features before tentatively starting to eat. It was strawberry jam and very sweet. His eyes unconsciously slid shut in delight when he took his first bite. Oh, how long it had been.

Kaworu watched his reaction with attentive interest. He had to suppress a chuckle at the almost child-like pleasure the other boy received from something as simple as marmalade toast. He couldn't hold it, though, when Shinji licked a bit of red goo from his lips and a content, if only unintentional, "mmh" escaped his throat.

Shinji looked up in confusion at the soft laughter and immediately felt the blood rush into his face when he saw Kaworu giggle. How embarrassing.

"What's it?" he asked sheepishly and put his toast back onto the plate. Kaworu merely shook his head with a quiet smile and looked at his own small meal. "You're sweet;" he mused and took a bite, then rested his chin on the back of his hand and looked out of the window like he didn't even notice he had just said something that made Shinji's blood boil. Shinji felt very hot. Not even a girl had ever said something like this to him. Hearing it from a boy who already made him feel all fidgety was enough to give him a heady feeling.

Not knowing what to respond, he decided to just stay silent and occupied his hands by resuming eating again.

It was quiet in the kitchen. Both boys secretly watched each other and every time their gazes happened to meet by accident - as each was determined to not too obviously check the other one out - they both quickly looked elsewhere. It seemed like a game of hide-and-seek to Shinji. If only he knew _what _he was searching for. Or Kaworu, for that matter.

Soon, there were only crumbs left on the plates and Shinji felt quite content somewhere in his mind. Why, he didn't quite know. Maybe because his stomach was closer to being full now than it had been for quite some time, maybe it was something entirely else. He didn't care.

Kaworu took the plates and put them in the sink with the remark that he'd clean up later. He let his eyes do the wandering to look at the clock over the door.

"You should go soon," he observed and Shinji managed a feeble smile.

"You want to get rid of me, hm?" he inquired with untypical irony. Kaworu looked seriously startled at this.

"_No_," he insisted. Then, after a small pause, "I just think your friends will worry." He smiled. "It'd be selfish to keep you all to myself."

Shinji's eyes widened slightly at this as he stared at the silver-haired boy leaning casually against the kitchen counter. He had actually made it sound like... like he really liked him and enjoyed his company. Shinji swallowed and, not knowing what to look at, finally decided to direct his eyes at his knees instead of gawking at Kaworu. How impolite.

"Thank you," he said softly. He received another warm smile - really, how much _could_ a human smile? - in return.

"It's my pleasure, Shinji. It really is."

And Shinji believed him.

Kensuke had retreated to one of the less-used rooms back in the really bad-looking part of the factory. They were occupying most of the rooms in the front building and had done some cleaning-up and such, but they usually didn't enter the great halls in the back of the complex. They were dusty and dirty (not that their actual quarters weren't, but not as over-the-top as these) and there were still old nails and such lying around.

He was sitting in a corner on an empty, old wooden box and let the rope wander through his hands, examining every inch of it with expert attention. There _had_ to be some reason the rope had snapped and he was going to find out what it was.

Besides, neither Shinji nor Asuka had returned yet, something just had to have gone wrong...

His fingers reached the other end where the rope had suddenly und unexpectedly snapped. He brought it closer to his eyes and adjusted his glassed to have a closer look. Upon closer inspection, he found half of the fibres to appear to have just snapped from the weight of a human body being attached to it. The usual reason for a rope to tear. But the other half...

Kensuke stayed sound- and motionless for several minutes. His head was spinning with confusing thoughts. It couldn't be, that'd mean someone, no, _Shinji_, had sabotaged their plan...

But the conclusion was inevitable and terribly simple. The rope had been cut.

"Wait a moment," Kaworu told him and hurried back through the hall. Shinji couldn't quite see where he had gone, but he waited patiently. He was just about to leave and neither he nor Kaworu were particularly happy. The atmosphere was weird, with neither of them knowing exactly what to say and how to act.

Shinji was standing in front of the door right now. The front door. Asuka's gun was resting against his thigh again, cold as ever. He listened up when there were quiet footsteps to be heard and, mere seconds later, Kaworu had returned. His face was slightly flushed because he had hurried and Shinji didn't need more than a split second to decide it looked good on him. He inwardly scolded himself for making such observations in a guy.

Awkward silence ensued as they looked at each other.

Shinji fought with himself. There was something he longed for to do, but he didn't know, though, if he could bring himself to it. It wasn't exactly _right_...

Kaworu shrugged in a slightly helpless manner. "Well, then..." He looked very much like Shinji felt.

"Um..." Shinji didn't really look into his eyes. He didn't trust his voice to work if he did. After another moment's passing, he made an unsure step backwards. Suddenly, Kaworu made one towards him and grabbed his wrist.

"Wait," he said in an almost pleading tone - Shinji felt a sudden pang of messed-up thoughts rush through him - and fumbled with his pants pocket. Shinji stared at him, not knowing what to do. He hadn't expected something like this at all. When Kaworu's hand surfaced again, it held a bunch of banknotes. Shinji's eyes widened when he watched him shove it into his own pocket, only the thin fabric separating the warm fingers from his skin, way too close. All too soon - he mentally slapped himself for thinking so - they were pulled back.

"Keep it," the silver-haired teen said before Shinji could even object - in fact, he was just about to.

"But-" he wanted to argue, but Kaworu gave him a firm look. It wasn't angry or something, just like his usual gentleness and calmness had been put under a magnifying glass so it was a kind of caring determination that didn't accept any resistance.

"Really, I don't want it. I don't need it. Keep it."

They looked at each other. Then, Kaworu made another step forward and put his arms around Shinji who gingerly returned the gesture. _Now or never_... He inhaled deeply when Kaworu's scent filled his nostrils before gently pulling back. He was surprised to see Kaworu's face was just as flushed as his own.

"We'll meet again?" he asked in a weird tone he himself couldn't quite understand. Kaworu hesitated, but nodded.

"Surely."

They both felt like there was something left to say, but words weren't exactly the best to express all the messed-up things both thought and felt. Thus, they remained silent.

"Well..." Shinji said lamely, shrugging unsurely. "See you... I guess."

Kaworu smiled. Once again. "Yeah... See you."

Then, Shinji went. His heart was beating so fast he felt like he would come home with some cracked ribs. He had actually done it.

When he arrived at the gate, he found it unlocked. A small, mocking voice whispered to him that they could have saved all the trouble of trying to climb over the wall. For a last time, he turned to look at Kaworu who was still standing at the door and watched him. Neither of them waved or something.

Finally, having gathered the last bits of courage remaining inside him, Shinji turned around the corner of the fence to the spot where it changed into the solid white wall and vanished out of view.

Kaworu still stayed where he was when the other boy had gone for several minutes.

the other boy had gone for several minutes.

* * *

**Comments will be loved, polished and displayed on a shelf.**


	4. Returns and Resentments

Title: Scraps of Gold - Morning Chill

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Returns and Resentments**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 4/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. Usual stuff. **

**Word Count: 5,152**

**A/N: "Was zum...?" ****means "What the...?", and "Das glaub ich nicht" means "I don't believe that/it". Dedication to Zharouchi :)**

Asuka felt her hands twitch at her sides. What the hell was going on there?

She had jumped up when Shinji had come out of the door. Why had he been in there for so long anyway?

Shinji stayed where he was, looking back into the house. Was he waiting for something? Or someone? Almost looked like it, but... Asuka shook her head. This was ridiculous. Kensuke had said no one would be in the. She gasped when another figure appeared in the doorframe. _Was zum...?!_

She watched silently as both boys just stared at each other. They seemed to say something but were too far away to be heard. The silver-haired boy fumbled somewhere at his pants, obviously searching for something in his pockets. Her eyes nearly popped out when money - lots of money! - came into view and he stepped forward to stuff it into Shinji's pocket - who had gone beet-red. A few seconds passed, more talking. Then -

"_Das glaub ich nicht_," she mumbled as she watched Shinji shyly return the embrace that the other boy had initiated. Reclusive, anti-social, I'm-afraid-of-everyone-Shinji _hugging_ someone? This - this was impossible, how could Shinji even know that guy? What had they been doing? And what was the money about?

She bit her lip. Maybe they were related or something... Yes, that boy had to be some cousin or such... And he wanted to help Shinji, so he gave him the money...

Her train of thought stopped abruptly when she saw both boys had gone red. Cousins didn't blush because of hugging each other, that was a gesture totally common in family. This only left her with another conclusion, one she didn't like at all.

_He can't be gay..._

The mere thought disturbed her. No, it couldn't be... Not Shinji. Not that stupid, clumsy idiot.

Her heart was pounding painfully hard as she watched them part, Shinji coming her way. In a split second, she had made her decision.

Asuka turned and ran. She was already gone before Shinji even had the opportunity of noticing her.

Kaworu stayed where he was for some minutes, gazing at the spot where Shinji had vanished. He already started to miss him. He had filled the house with new and exciting thoughts instead of oppressing silence.

He turned and regarded the white walls with disgust.

Moments later, he had returned to the living room and was playing. The air was saturated with an intriguing melody, neither happy nor sad. It was sweet and twisted. It had been some time since he had played it the last time. He played until his arms hurt.

When he had finally finished, he reached into his pocket to retrieve his handkerchief. The rosin on the bow had left white traces on the strings and he wanted to wipe them off.

Kaworu blinked. His fingers closed around nothing. The handkerchief was gone.

Asuka practically sprinted back to their quarter. Her red hair was flowing behind her like a flag, whipping in the breeze.

_It can't be true, it can't be true, it can't be true..._

She didn't even know why she cared at all. Shinji was a stupid jerk, a loser, an idiot, gay or not. If he wanted to suck face with a boy rather than her - woah, moment. Where did that come from?!

She abruptly skidded to a halt. The factory was in view now, merely several hundred meters away. Rushing inside like Armageddon was close wouldn't help, so she forced herself to keep it at a moderate pace.

She still wondered what she was going to tell the other to explain why she came back without Shinji. Usual excuse? Yep, certainly.

"Heeey! Asuka!"

The excited cry made her look up.

Small Yuichi, pet of the family in the gang, was waving excitedly. She sighed. Even though she was a little fond of him - no one could not like kind, little Yuichi - she didn't want to see anyone now. "Hi," she mumbled, walking straight past him.

He didn't seem taken aback by her less than enthusiastic greeting, but skipped after her. "Where's Shinji, Asuka?" he inquired.

"Not here," she replied coldly and went up the stairs, leaving the boy behind her. In her room, she slammed the door shut forcefully. She was the only girl in the gang and thus had a room on her own. It was not huge, but it had a window and a chair and even a mattress to function as a bed. Even three stuffed animals sat on the improvised bed. Luxury.

There had been another girl, once. One year ago, she had left them. Asuka was quite sure she hadn't liked her - quiet and withdrawn and always doing what she was told. And with a look in her deep red eyes that made the German girl shudder even thinking about it.

She flung herself onto the mattress and closed her eyes. Why did everything always get complicated...?

Shinji didn't hurry on his way back. He still had to think of something to say, some excuse for why he had taken so long.

He stopped briefly when two cats crossed the streets in front of him and dived into the bushes on the other side of the street. It was a nice day, the air clean and fresh in his lungs. The sky was blue and beautiful, here and there spotted with small puffy white clouds. A breeze brushed past him. He sighed. He hoped this peace was not only temporary.

Shinji absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair - and paused. He had completely forgotten about the bandage. Something clicked inside his mind. He had his excuse. A poor excuse, but better than anything else he'd come up with yet.

His hand fell back against his side, resting against the gun. His thoughts travelled back to the night's events. Looking back at it, it seemed like more like a twisted dream than reality to him.

A small river lazily flowed beneath the bridge he passed. There weren't many apartment houses around here, the place being so far off the city centre. The dark silhouette of the factory was close by. He felt his heart speed up slightly. He could only hope the others would believe - and that the money would distract them enough to refrain from asking many questions. He surely hoped so; it meant no hunger and no theft for at least one month, perhaps more. A tiny smile appeared on his features. Yuichi would get his new shoes.

As Shinji came closer to the building complex and finally stopped in front of the door, he noticed the obvious silence. He frowned. They were about twenty boys, why was everything so quiet? He felt his heart throb painfully hard inside his chest as he pushed the door open. It revealed a huge room, obscured by darkness that was only broken here and there by single dusty beams of sunlight coming in through the roof lights, illuminating the hunched forms of the teens that sat around, apparently waiting. At his entry, they raised their heads in unison. Disbelieve grazed the dirty faces.

"Shinji!" A small boy jumped up, crossing the room as fast as his feet could carry him, and threw himself at the older boy. Shinji gave a slight yelp and stumbled backward at the sudden weight against his body. He fell, and Yuichi with him. He couldn't help but smile, though, when the boy wrapped his short arms around him and sniffled into the folds of his shirt, mumbling something along the lines of "so happy" and "thought you wouldn't come back". Shinji sheepishly patted his back.

"Hey." He ruffled Yuichi's dark hair. "Hey, I'm okay, really. I'm fine." The small boy stared at him for a moment, then got up slowly and smiled back. In an abrupt move, he turned to look at the others.

"Shinji's back!" he yelled with the elation only small children could have. "Why aren't you happy!" The others looked aside and more than one grinned secretly.

An ash blond boy got up and went over to him but he before he could really say anything, a door at the upper end of a metal stairway on the right crashed open and two silhouettes hurried down quickly, making their way towards Shinji - who was still sitting on the ground.

"Man! We were worried about you!" Touji grabbed his hand and pulled him up, checking on him with a quick glance.

"Yeah," Kensuke concurred, pushing his glassed up his nose and giving him an unbelieving look. "Where have you _been_ for so long?" His gaze fell onto the bandage and he looked seriously bewildered. "And what the heck have you _done_?" he gasped.

Shinji felt very bad. Not only had he made them worry, now he was also going to lie to them. What a sorry excuse of a friend he was.

"It's fine, it's fine," he hastily appeased. Then, thinking the moment was right, he pulled out the money. "Booty," he said, but he wasn't sure they had even registered the fact he had spoken. Touji pulled the banknotes from his hands and eyed them, an incredulous look on his face.

"Oh, my," Kensuke managed to mumble, eyes wide as soup plates. The other kids drew closer. Small gasps of excitement, sounds of disbelieve.

The blond boy, Shiro, grasped Shinji's wrist and dragged him over to one of the boxes to sit down.

"Come on, Shin," he said, gesturing the others over who - except for Touji and Kensuke who had quickly settled next to Shinji - didn't seem to seem quite as thrilled about the prospect of listening to Shinji rather than marvelling about the money. Then again, he had risked a lot to give it to them... They really owed him to at least hear what he had to say. They settled in a circle and looked expectantly at him. Shinji felt the blood rush into his head. He didn't fancy the idea of lying to them, but it couldn't be helped.

Only vaguely did he notice Asuka's absence - she would be moping somewhere, sulking because she hadn't been able to shine.

He took a deep breathe and began.

It was a lousy story. He told them he had hit a rock - probably the only true thing in the whole setup - with his head and, when he had entered the house, just slipped into unconsciousness at some point due to blood loss and exhaustion. Then, he made up further, he had woken well some hours later and, in his haze, looked into the bathroom for some bandages or something. While doing so, he had - stupidly enough - managed to drop the box with it and - what a surprise! - caught a glance of a thick envelope in the backmost corner of the cupboard. Unbelievingly, he had opened it and nearly died from shock when he discovered it was full of money. Why? Nope, no clue either. He hadn't cared, he had just taken it and gone for it. And now he was back here, along with the cash. Woohoo.

Shinji couldn't help but secretly wonder at the naiveté the others displayed when they readily accepted the weak story and quickly turned back to counting the money.

Nobody noticed the redhead sitting at the upper end of the stairs, listening with narrowed eyes to what Shinji said. The silhouette vanished as soon as he had ended, unobserved by anyone's eyes.

Seeing that their attention was clearly elsewhere now, Shinji turned to look at Kensuke and Touji who, along with Shiro, were still sitting near him, not bothering to join the others in gawking at the small fortune he had brought.

Kensuke gave him a sheepish side glance. "Um, you know, Shinji..." He looked like he didn't really know how to put into words what he had in mind. "If you don't mind me asking, but... Don't you think it's a little... _unusual_ to have an envelope with so much money lying around in the _bath_?"

Shinji felt his insides turn cold. He had expected someone would ask.

"Um..." He shrugged. "I don't really have an idea either. It's weird, isn't it?" He tried to look like he had already done some thinking concerning this subject. "But, well, I don't know. There are people who hide their savings under a mattress or in a stocking or such, so maybe it's not _that_ weird after all..." He shrugged again and gave Kensuke an apologetic look to stress he _really_ didn't have a clue.

"Where's Asuka, by the way?" he asked, trying to change the subject. It seemed that Kensuke accepted his former explanation because he pulled a face.

"Ah, Asuka. She came back half an hour before you."

"Back?" Shinji blinked. "Back from where?"

"From the house," Touji threw in. "She stayed all night to wait for you."

"Wha - she did?!" Shinji looked seriously puzzled now. And, really, he _was_. Asuka had been waiting for him? Bossy, loud, toffy-nosed _Asuka_?

"Yep." Kensuke nodded. "We thought someone had to wait for you - we couldn't stay there altogether all night, after all - and she volunteered. I bet she's pissed off because you did it all on your own." His voice seemed slightly weird to Shinji as he said the last sentence and then broke off.

"Ah, come on." Touji lazily waved hand. "Girls are like that, totally unreasonable. Wouldn't give a fuck about it if I were you, Shinji."

"Hm." Shinji absentmindedly watched the others inspect the money, holding it with still unbelieving looks in their eyes. He didn't know why, but he didn't like the idea of Asuka waiting for him. On one hand, she did not have warmer clothes than he did and spending a whole night outside when it was turning cold again was surely... not good. But what worried him more was of entirely different nature. She had returned merely half an hour before he had... What if she had seen anything? If she had seen how Kaworu had given him the money and - and even put his arms around him? Shinji hoped sincerely that the heat he felt rise up inside himself wasn't showing on his face.

If she had run, she could have observed it and then made it back in time. But what should her reasons be? No, she had surely just been tired of waiting and returned because of that...

"She said she was tired of waiting for you and came back," Kensuke interrupted his thoughts and Shinji wondered briefly if he could read his thoughts.

"Ah," he made. After a moment, he got up. "Is she in her room?"

"Uhum." Touji looked at him. "You need to talk?" he inquired with raised brows.

Shinji shrugged. "I should give her gun back, I guess," he said and then made his way across the room and up the staircase. The rough surface of the metal (Gitter) was palpable even through his shoes' soles. It felt familiar. Like some kind of coming home. When he closed the door at its top behind him, the sounds from below died almost immediately.

He knocked at Asuka's door for politeness' sake - he had never lost his polite behaviour, not even in the streets, it had just been burned into his mind for too long before - and entered. The girl was sitting next to the window on an old metal chair, knees pulled close, and looked outside. She looked unusually quiet. That changed when she saw Shinji entering.

"What's it?" she growled and he only hesitantly made a step towards her.

"I - I thought you'd want your gun back," he said and fumbled with the buckle of the belt around his leg.

"You bet," she said and got up, then took it from his hands. She carelessly dropped it onto the mattress.

Silence ensued. Shinji's mind worked feverishly on finding something to say. "Kensuke said you've been waiting for me."

"Did he?" Asuka still didn't look at him. "So what? You wanna express your gratitude or what?"

Shinji looked at the wall. "Maybe."

She turned sharply and pointed at him, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "Stop talking stupid stuff, just because you got the money you don't have to act like it'd be so kind of you to talk with me after I couldn't do anything! I'm sick of guys like you!"

Shinji stared at her. She couldn't be serious, what she said was just ridiculous.

"And now get out!" Asuka looked very much like she was about to literally kick him out of the room and he quickly retreated.

"I'm sorry, Asuka," he mumbled before closing the door behind him. "Really."

"OUT!"

Asuka stared at the door for some seconds before letting herself drop onto the bed. That idiot... She stared at the ceiling. Maybe the brown streaks had once been red. She didn't want to think about how they had got there.

Her hand came to rest on the gun and she picked it up, holding it in front of her face. It glinted as she turned it in the pale morning light, bright and deadly. Didn't look like he had damaged it or something.

She pressed it against her breast. The leather belt was still warm.

Shinji sat down on the roof, leaning back against the low wall. The blue sky seemed so deep it made everything beneath, though bathed in sunlight, look almost black.

Slight worries had forced their way into his thoughts. Asuka had mentioned the money - but how could she know about it if she hadn't even been there when he had shown it to the others? There were two possibilities - either she had seen him with Kaworu - the mere idea made him feel nauseous - or she had secretly peeked when he had come back and thus seen what he had brought with him. He surely did hope the second one was true.

He leant back and stared into the sky. It was just as blue as when he had left Kaworu's house and gone back.

Kaworu...

He closed his eyes and the picture of the red-eyed boy came to mind. He wondered what he was doing right now. Was he thinking about Shinji, too, or was he already forgetting their short encounter?

Shinji shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled it out again, now holding a piece of white fabric. There was a monogram stitched on the lower right corner. NK.

He held it against his face and inhaled deeply. Paper and cotton. The world seemed a tad brighter suddenly.

Kaworu dropped his school bag onto a chair and let himself fall onto the couch, legs up against the back. The familiar white ceiling above him met his gaze with the usual silence.

He let his eyes slide shut. School was annoying as ever. It wasn't the learning matters he didn't manage to get by with - he even did quite well in maths, a subject he didn't fancy all that much - but more so his classmates.

It wasn't like they bullied him or something, they just thought he was weird. Spending his days reading and playing the violin rather than soccer and digging chicks was apparently not to their tastes. He could relate to them somehow; humans were prone to being suspicious towards what they didn't classify as "normal", but he wished he had less shallow classmates.

Ruby eyes cracked open and he let his gaze travel across the room to linger on the window.

It had been over two weeks since Shinji had been here, and it began to fade like it had all been a mere dream. Of course it hadn't; Shinji's face was still vivid in his mind.

Kaworu shifted to lie on his front, one arm dangling off the couch, wrist touching the floor. He could feel the warm air brush past his nose every time he exhaled against the cushions.

Meeting Shinji had certainly been an extraordinary experience, a spot of color in his life. The boy was so intriguing, so completely different from the world Kaworu had been living in up to now.

It had hit him like a punch in the face when he had fully realized that he might never meet Shinji again. He merely knew his name - Ikari Shinji - and that he lived, somewhere, somehow, with a bunch of other street kids. Like that made it much easier to find him. Kaworu felt helpless.

Either Shinji would come or there would be no next time.

The phone rang. Kaworu barely managed to raise his head at the sound; his whole body felt so heavy and lethargic right now. Fortunately enough, the phone was currently lying on the coffee table and he merely had to stretch an arm out to grab it. The display told him it was his parents calling.

"Hello." He closed his eyes as he listened to his mother's voice - she sounded very young, as always. "Yeah... yes, mother... no, I won't. No need to worry... I know you don't. Mhm. ... No, no problems... Yes. 'Course... Mh? No, just a bit tired. I just came ba-" His voice trailed off and he stared at the display. Hung up, just like that. Like he was some radio show she didn't like or something. He put the phone back onto the table.

With a groan, Kaworu buried his face in the cushions. He wanted to see him again so badly.

"Here, Shinji."

Kensuke watched as Yuichi sat down next to the brunet and handed him an apple. He and Shiro had just come back from shopping.

_Shopping_. How that sounded. Now they could actually just walk into a shop and openly take thinks out of the shelves and pay for them. No thefts, no trying to hide stuff in their jackets. No fear of being caught.

Shiro had gone with Yuichi and bought some fruit - apples, orange and such. If one lived in the streets, there wasn't much opportunity to get something like that.

"Thanks," Shinji said and took the apple from Yuichi's small hand.

Kensuke turned away. He had been lying awake all night and finally made the decision to tell someone about what he knew. He went over to Touji who has happily chewing on a pear and tapped him on the shoulder. Touji gave him a questioning look.

"I have to talk to you," Kensuke said quietly. "Now." His friend's expression turned to one of puzzlement - it had something ridiculous about it, with his mouth stuffed with food - but he nodded.

"'Kay. On the roof, in five minutes."

Kensuke gave him a brief smile and went to fetch Asuka. She had a right to know, too, even if he didn't really like her. She had been waiting for Shinji all night long, she deserved to know what was up.

He pulled a face. He had been suspecting it for quite some time, but the night of the raid had finally confirmed it - he was sure now Asuka had a thing for Shinji. She might act like she couldn't stand him, but her behaviour showed she really _did_ care. Kensuke sighed. If only Shinji wasn't so _oblivious_, it would all have been much easier.

"So what's all this about?" Asuka snapped and tossed her hair back in an impatient gesture. The red strands looked like a glowing corona around her head for a moment before settling down on her shoulders.

They were sitting on the rood, wind blowing through their clothes and across their faces. Kensuke fumbled with the hem of his sleeve and didn't wonder for the first time if he was doing the right thing. Shinji _had_ got them the money after all - was he actually in a position to complain about him? But on the other hand, he had rattened their plan, and Kensuke was keen on hearing what his reasons were.

"Yeah, what's up?" Touji concurred. "What got you so fidgety?"

Kensuke shifted nervously. "You know, back when we tried to do that raid..." He took a deep breath. In a minute, it would be over, surely... "The rope didn't just snap. It was cut."

The silence rang loud in their ears, a sharp pang of unbelieving nothingness. Asuka and Touji both looked dumbfounded.

"What do you mean, _cut_?" Touji asked vacuously.

"Cut." Kensuke shrugged. "With a knife or something."

None of them spoke. It took some moments for the news to sink in.

Asuka stared ahead blankly. Shinji had _cut_ the rope? He had _wanted_ to go inside alone? Maybe even planned it? He had betrayed them all... He had pretended the rope had snapped on its own, but he had _manipulated_ it... He had lied to them.

"Asuka!" She barely registered the fact that Kensuke shouted after her as she ran off.

Shinji looked up as the door slammed open and Asuka stormed in. He looked at herin utter bewilderment - what had got her so furious?

"Asuka," he began, "what's-" He couldn't even finish his sentence, the girl had already grabbed his wrist and was dragging him out. Down the corridor, through a larger hall and outside. She seemed to be boiling with rage. Shinji gulped.

"What is it, Asuka?" he asked when she finally let go, and rubbed his wrist. "What's up with you?"

"I'd rather ask, what's up with _you_?" she spat and whirled around to face him.

"What?" Shinji looked incomprehensive.

"The raid two weeks ago!" she hissed. "The rope that - what a surprise! - snapped! Or, rather, the rope that you rattened. Does that ring something to you?"

Shinji's heart almost stopped for a moment. _No_. No, she didn't know... She mustn't know. "What are you talking about?" he made a feeble attempt to pretend unknowingness, but even as he said it he knew it was futile. She cut him off.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You do, And know what? I saw you."

"When?" he said blankly. There was a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"You came out of the house with that guy. Really, seeing you two cuddle was _so_ heart-warming." Her voice dripped into his ears like cold venom. "What were you doing in there anyway? 'Finding the money in the bath', makes me laugh! He gave it to you, but what for? Staying the night or what!" Asuka back-pedalled briefly, only now realizing what she had just said. She gave a bitter laugh. "No, please, don't tell me you're a whore or something like that - that's _too_ idiotic a story, even for you."

Shinji stayed silent. So she really had seen them. And, worst of all, he could even understand her thoughts. He probably would have had the same in mind if he had been in her position. But, right now, his mind wasn't this rational. He couldn't tell her about Kaworu, she wouldn't believe what had truly happened.

"I - Asuka, I can't tell you;" he stammered. "It's not that easy, you-"

"_Not that easy_, huh?" she snapped. "Think I'm too stupid or what?" When Shinji wanted to object, she sharply raised a hand in a furious gesture. "Shut up! Shut the hell up! I don't want to hear your dumb excuses!" She turned around sharply to go back inside. "Go screw your _boyfriend_ or whatever about him is worth so much you betray your friends for it."

"Asuka," he shouted, but she was already gone. His hand, outstretched in a futile gesture to hold her back he hadn't noticed himself making, fell limply to his side.

He couldn't go back inside now. Not with Asuka around. And who knew who had also taken not of his sabotage. Maybe they all secretly thought him a traitor. Maybe they only accepted him anymore because of the money he had managed to bring.

He ran. He didn't care where, it only mattered he didn't _stop_.

The lock clicked when Kaworu turned the key. He strolled down the gravel walk, the small stones crunching under the soles of his shoes.

He made his way down the street and through a small housing estate. There were some children playing soccer on the front lawn of a house on the other side of the street. Kaworu stopped briefly when the bright yellow ball rolled away from them and came to a halt just in front of his feet.

"Can you kick it over?" the tallest boy, seemingly a kind of leader, shouted and Kaworu did as he was told, sending the ball back to its respective owners. He couldn't help but be amused by the outcries of childish delight when it landed in a small puddle, splashing dirty water in all directions.

"Thanks," a girl with a green baseball cap exclaimed and turned back to play with her friends.

It didn't take long until Kaworu reached the outskirts of the huge park near-by. There were only few people around, mainly older couples - no surprise, it was not even noon yet. The only reason he had come home already was that their sports teacher was ill.

After aimlessly wandering around for some time, he randomly chose a small sideway that led deeper between the trees.

Shinji's chest was still heaving. He had finally stopped running in some park or other, sinking saplessly onto a bench nearby. Breathing hurt after running so long. He had just paid attention to not stopping.

When he slowly calmed down again - he could still feel a vein pulsing at his neck -, he looked around to take his surroundings in. It was a small lighting, only about ten metes wide and quite circular. Several paths led here from different directions. But most remarkable about the place was the broken, abstract angel statue in its center. It could have been white once but was now covered in dirt and lichen.

He gave a sigh and bent over, resting his forehead on his laced fingers. How was he supposed to get out of this now? He probably had to apologize to Asuka, but _how_? There would have to be an explanation or something. He wasn't quite sure if he could tell her what had happened - and, more so, if she would believe him.

He looked up. There was faint sound, a humming, slowly coming closer. Some ambler probably. As it drew nearer, he recognized the melody - Beethoven's Ode to Joy, part of his unfinished 9th symphony. The voice seemed strangely familiar.

The humming stopped. Silence. Shinji stared.

"Hi," Kaworu finally said, an expression of equal surprise on his face.

**Phew, so here it is. A new chapter. How long have I kept y'all waiting now? One month? Two? Haha, so much about posting weekly. Shame on me. (No, seriously, sorry a lot.) **

**This chapter... I'm not content with it. I had it fully written for ages, but one little scene was still missing and I don't know how often I wrote it anew - six or seven times, at least. It's a relieve to know that the next chapter is complete and there's nothing left to be done about it except maybe another revising and typing my lovely disclaimer. Weeeeh! ... Really, I suck so much as an author. I manage not to hit a single deadline. **

**Asuka is being kind of over-dramatic... But I tried to imagine what I'd think and/or do when I was - secretly - in love with a boy and would secretly make such an observation - considering the circumstances, I think she has every right to be angry. Sorry, Shinji - the girl's right. **

**I'll get my marks in a week or so, and it's gonna be a complete disaster. Wish me luck.**

**(That reminds me - when I hadn't been learning English for so long, I actually tried once to look "gonna" and "gotta" up in the dictionary :P) **

**Thanks for all the lovely comments! They really keep me going when I ponder to just delete the story because I so suck at finishing stories cough**


	5. Scraps

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Scraps**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 5/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. As usual.**

**Word Count: 6,065**

**Dedication to ReaperRain. Your comments always make me smile. **

Shinji didn't answer at once He merely stared at Kaworu as the boy approached him and stopped near the bench.

For a moment, he wasn't sure how to respond. On one hand, he was happy to see him again. He had, ridiculous as it sounded to himself, seriously missed him and his kind nature. Then again, his life, his place in the gang - the only thing he could call some kind of family - was beginning to fall apart, because of the lies he told them to not reveal anything about knowing Kaworu. Mistrust was starting to spread and even if most of the boys didn't know or suspect anything, Asuka was. Kensuke and Touji, he guessed, probably as well. And that was just as bad.

He was almost going to be angry with the other boy when the sudden thought hit him that Kaworu hadn't asked him to do it. It wasn't his fault - he couldn't blame him for the many mistakes he himself made, even if he would have liked to do so. For once, his sense of justice was stronger than his desire to shrug off all responsibilities and run again. He pushed the thought back in his mind that he liked Kaworu and that was yet another reason for not putting any blame on him.

"Hello," he replied finally and moved over a little. Kaworu obviously took it as an invitation to sit down and did so.

"You okay?" he asked and could have kicked himself right then - Shinji had been looking really miserable, slumped down on the bench like that, it was pretty obvious he _wasn't_ okay.

Shinji shrugged. "'Pose so," he said but it was easy enough for Kaworu to see past the poorly faked words. He frowned slightly.

"Are you sure?" he dug deeper and bent forward a little. "If you want to, you - you can tell me, you know."

Shinji seriously did consider doing so, at least for a second or two, but... Kaworu was still some kind of stranger, right? It wasn't like they really were _friends_... Being around Kaworu didn't feel like hanging out with Touji or Kensuke or anyone he considered similar to being friends with himself. He dismissed the thought with reminding himself that they also hadn't met under normal circumstances.

"I'd prefer not to," he mumbled and stared at his knees, a furious blush quickly spreading across his face. Kaworu had been kind enough to offer to listen to his pathetic little problems and his respond made it sound like he didn't considered him worthy or something - it seemed terribly arrogant to Shinji once the words were out.

Kaworu, however, was not offended in the least, and if he was, he didn't show. Instead, he leant back, closing his eyes against the sun as a bunch of clouds were blown away by a sudden gust of wind and raw sunlight poured down upon them.

"If that's your wish," he said simply and laced his fingers in his lap, shoulders back slightly. He looked just as nonchalant as when Shinji had first met him, elegant and handsome in an unobtrusive way.

For some quiet moments, they stayed like that, in pleasant silence, the wind rustling softly in the trees the only sounds. Shinji found himself gazing at Kaworu's face without really noticing. He wished he would have been just as likeable. He wished he would have been just as in peace with everything around him. Kaworu just seemed to fit in about basically everywhere and Shinji envied him for it. He wished he himself would at least have _felt_ like he belonged _anywhere_.

He almost flinched when Kaworu opened his eyes to lazily blink in the sunlight and turned to look at Shinji, catching him staring at him in awe. He couldn't hide a certain surprise but covered it up quickly with a smile.

"How's the wound?" he inquired curiously and bent his neck a little to have a better view at the spot where it used to be. Now, only a dark crust under the brown hair was the last proof the injury had ever even existed.

Shinji fumbled with his thumbs. "It's better," he replied softly and looked at his fingers. "It's almost healed now, I don't even need a bandage anymore. Thanks you to," he added quietly, like he felt the need for it to be expressed but didn't really know if he wanted he other boy to hear or not.

Kaworu looked delighted at this. "That's good," he nodded. "I was already worrying you might have caught an infection or something because I fucked up treating it." He laughed lightly and Shinji felt a tingle spread throughout his body from head to toe. He realized it was the first time he really heard him laugh, not counting the half-stifled chuckles back then, at that morning, in the kitchen. Also - and he felt very embarrassed about how much attention he paid - he couldn't help but be in slight surprise at Kaworu's choice of words. Hearing him, whom Shinji regarded as, well, so sophisticated and ethereal, say something as ordinary as 'fucked up' was certainly unexpected.

Finally, he decided he had to say something. He smiled slightly to himself, looking down at his hands. There was a smudge of dirt across his palm and he absentmindedly wetted his right thumb with his tongue to rub it away. He didn't notice Kaworu watching with fascination.

"So, you've been thinking about me," he kidded, still keeping his gaze on his palm. The skin had gone a little sore where he had rubbed the stain away.

"A lot," Kaworu confirmed without any trace of coyness. Shinji wondered how he did it; he himself already feeling how his whole face was being covered by a deep blush again. Kaworu had to be joking, really, he ha to. But upon looking up and trying to detect any signs of amusement, he only found honesty in the red eyes.

Kaworu tilted his head a little. "It's not like I could forget you so easily," he mused, kicking a small stony away with the tip of his shoe, and shoved his hands into his pockets. Shinji didn't quite know what to say, but he watched the stone vanish in the grass further off and finally managed to reply after doing some frantic thinking for a moment.

"I could say the same, you know," he heard himself say, brain not yet fully registering he had just admitted he had been spending quite some time thinking of the other boy. Oh god.

Kaworu looked nonplussed at this confession and, for once, forgot to smile. Instead, he intently watched the brunet's face. Shinji looked back.

A mocking little voice in the back of his very mind told Kaworu that this was like a scene out of some stupid movie. Wind rustling in the trees, some leaves already tinted with red blowing past, carried on the merry breeze. The perfect setting for some corny love story.

The teen racked his brain for something fitting to say, opened his mouth, then closed it again. After what seemed like a small eternity, he leant forward to utter what seemed right -

A loud rustle, followed by a "tchruf!" made both boys flinch simultaneously. Shinji turned abruptly to look where the noise had come from. Kaworu followed his gaze.

"What was that?" the brunet asked, ruffling his nose. Kaworu inwardly found himself sold on this childlike action, but somehow managed to not show. Instead, he frowned slightly.

"I don't know. An animal, I suppose."

"_Tchruf!_"

Shinji pulled a face. "A wild pig maybe?"

Kaworu shook his head. "I guess not. I don't think there are any of them around here, too many people everywhere and such."

A short howl was followed by a loud "yip!" and the boys looked at each other. It really didn't sound like any sound a wild pig would make.

"It's over there," Shinji mumbled, pointing over at the coppice. The other teen got up and began sneaking over to it. He made a point of moving slowly so as to not scare the creature. "_Tchruf!_" it went again, some twigs were shaken as the animal moved. Then, a loud "_row!_"

"You know," Kaworu murmured and Shinji came closer to hear him better, "if I didn't know any better, I'd say it's..." He stepped forward and shoved a few branches out of the way. "... A puppy."

Shinji had come to a halt right next to Kaworu and looked down wide eyes. Really, it was a puppy. It was small and dusty brown, legs and muzzle darker than the rest of its fur, and, most remarkable, its face was covered in wrinkles and creases.

"Do you think someone marooned it?" he asked.

"I don't know," Kaworu teen mumbled, trying not to talk too loud. "It has no collar or tag..."

"So it has been abandoned," Shinji said tonelessly. He stepped past Kaworu and knelt down, stretching his hand out slowly to not make the small dog shy away.

"Shhh," Shinji made, watching the animal sniff a little. "I won't do you harm, really... Come here..."

Kaworu watched as Shinji continued whispering sweet nothings and waved his fingers a little to get the puppy's interest.

To Shinji's disappointment, his ministrations didn't really bother the puppy. It looked at him with interest but did not seem to hold even the slightest intention of making any advances. He kept talking nonetheless, even though his words turned into more and more nonsense that merely sparked Kaworu's amusement.

"Come, darling...Won't hurt, honey, promise..."

At this, Kaworu could not help but chuckle. "Are you trying to seduce him or something?" he replied to the brunet's confused gaze.

Shinji grinned and Kaworu's heart skipped. He looked... boyish and carefree and cute and just about every positive attribute the teen could find in his vocabulary.

"I'm just trying to gain his trust by showing some parental love," the brunet answered with a faked pout.

"Sounds more like you're trying to get into someone's pants," Kaworu remarked and watched happily as Shinji blushed furiously.

"You wish," he replied and kept his eyes focused straight onto the small bundle of fur and wrinkles.

"Well, maybe," Kaworu returned nonchalantly and bit his lip as soon as it was out. Oh, wow, now Shinji would surely think him dirty-minded or something.

Shinji's blush deepened even further, but he, thanks heavens, didn't have to think of an answer - he would probably just have babbled piffle as usual, anyway - because the puppy finally decided he was trustworthy enough to be inspected closer, and it lumbered over to the offered hand. It sniffed expertly, then gave yet another "tchruf!". It sounded like it had a really nasty cold, Shinji thought. After some more examination of the motionless fingers, whose owner was holding his breath with anticipation, a small pink tongue darted out and began to lap excitedly at his skin.

Shinji giggled helplessly at the tickling feeling and the puppy stopped immediately to look up at him in bewilderment, huge brown eyes filled with curiosity.

"Aw, now you confused it," Kaworu teased and knelt down next to Shinji.

"Hm." Shinji bent forward and reached out with both hands for the animal. The puppy gave a low growl and tumbled aside, right against his left hand and he gently picked it up with both. He held it in his lap, fingers buried in the brown fur. The tiny body was warm, soft and fragile. He idly fondled its tiny ear.

Kaworu watched with interest when a peaceful and very content smile appeared on Shinji's face as he held the puppy. He seemed to be much more at ease with animals than he was with people. The silver-haired teen extended a hand to crawl it under its chin and it closed its eyes in delight about the fact that there were three hands now occupied with caressing it.

"He's cute," Kaworu mused and earned a surprised look from Shinji.

"How do you know it's a male?" he inquired curiously.

"I don't know, I guessed." Kaworu shrugged, then picked up the puppy lightly - it gave a disappointed "row" at being interrupted in its pleasant laziness - to have a look at its underbelly. He noticed how thin it was. "And guess what?" Kaworu grinned at Shinji who merely blinked at his shameless scrutiny. "I was right." He set the puppy back in Shinji's lap again where it promptly snuggled against his body.

For some minutes, they both stayed silent. Shinji gently stroked the small pet and Kaworu watched. The puppy's tongue was dangling lazily out of its mouth and it seemed very sleepy and content with itself.

Kaworu looked up and frowned. Shinji as looking not at all as happy anymore as he had mere minutes before.

"What's it?" he asked worriedly and grasped the hem of Shinji's sleeve. "Hey, look at me. Why the sad face?"

Shinji looked at him and shrugged. "I - see, I, I don't want to leave him here alone like this. Without food and someone to take care of him and stuff, but..." He shrugged again, looking down at the furry bundle in his arms. "I don't have enough to give him food or something and it's already getting cold, he'd be no bit better off with me."

Kaworu's mind worked busily, one could almost hear the gearwheels turn. But, actually, he didn't even really need to think about it. He had already made his decision upon seeing Shinji so obviously happy.

"I could take him," he said slowly, waiting for the other boy to realize and accept his offer. Shinji, in the meantime, felt his heart skip with excitement. What Kaworu had said meant a home for the puppy. No hunger, no cold, no loneliness. He felt a smile tug at his lips.

"That'd be great," he replied and scratched a spot right behind the small dog's left ear. It stretched its short legs and yawned. He could feel every singe rib against his fingers.

Kaworu observed the puppy's antic and found himself smiling as well. "You know what?" he said, shifting his weight a little. "We're gonna take him to a vet now, just to be sure he isn't ill or something. He's way too thin, I think. And then we'll get a collar and food and stuff."

Shinji looked flabbergasted for a moment, but managed a nod in agreement. Kaworu got up and offered a hand to the other teen who, after a moment's brief hesitation, took it and let himself be helped up, cradling the puppy with his other hand. It seemed to be half asleep by now and Shinji made sure to hold it very close, so he wouldn't accidentally drop it.

"Um..." Kaworu patted his pockets briefly to discover he didn't have any money with him. And, really, had he expected all of this was going to happen when he had merely wanted to go out for a short walk? "I suppose I get some money first and then we take him to the vet. 'Kay?" He looked expectantly at Shinji who just nodded again.

On their way to the Nagisa residence, Shinji found himself thinking about various things. He felt he should probably be back with his lot again, apologizing to Asuka. But, he gave Kaworu a quick side glance, having to choose between blame, anger, false excuses and the other boy's more than pleasant company, he knew immediately what he preferred right now. He would have to return soon enough, why not have a little peace until then.

_Now, when did you start thinking like that?_, a tiny voice in his head inquired with slight sarcasm. _Enjoy the time being before returning to unpleasant things? How very unlike you, Ikari Shinji. _

Then, there was Kaworu. Shinji was discovering a new side in him, the one that was more like your average teenager. It didn't make him any less ethereal or extraordinary to the brunet, it just added a new facet to the picture that in its fascinating entity was Kaworu.

He caught himself staring at the way the wind blew through the boy's unruly hair. No, Kaworu would never stop being of a certain divinity to him.

----------

He certainly felt weird when they reached the house and the other teen told him to wait as he quickly went to fetch some cash. The last time they had met, the night of the raid, felt so far away now. It was hard to imagine it had ever even happened, now he stood here in broad daylight, with the small sleeping dog in his arms, waiting for Kaworu to return.

And he felt a certain amount of discomfort thinking about how he was causing him trouble again, not to mention the money. Then again, it was Kaworu's own idea to take in the puppy...

Shinji sighed. If his mind hadn't always been messed up, it had certainly reached that point when he had got to know Kaworu.

----------

"Well, let's have a look at the little guy," the vet said, taking the puppy from Shinji with a gentle, yet resolute hold - small details like that really showed that he had years and years of experience in his work - and set it onto the cool table surface. The puppy, obviously displeased due to being torn from the pleasant warmth of Shinji's grasp, tried to get away but its paws slipped away from under it on the smooth table top. It lay there as if sulking for a moment and the doctor picked it up with a hearty laugh.

Shinji had quickly decided he liked him. The vet was a roundish man in his forties, with small glasses perched upon his nose, close to no hair, sparkling, bright blue eyes and a broad smile that revealed no less than three gold teeth.

"Let's see," he mumbled and began examining the puppy. He began palming its whole body thoroughly with expertise, looked into its ears and muzzle, bent its legs' joints carefully and did so many more short tests and stuff that Shinji could impossibly keep in mind. And, anticipating the results as he was, he also felt very nervous again because of Kaworu. The surgery was not a very large room and to not stand in the way when the doctor bustled about to fetch yet another mysterious instrument that neither of them was able to identify, they were standing at the other end of the table, Shinji so close to the other boy he merely would have had to shift a little to lean against his body. He wasn't used to being so near to people.

"Here you go, little one," the doctor interrupted the brunet's thoughts and handed him back the puppy. He automatically closed his arms around the small body that already felt so familiar against his own. "He's rather weak, that's why he's so sleepy. Not too old as well, I dare say, five weeks maybe. But, considering that he hasn't eaten more than maybe some leaves or other stuff lying around in the park in a few days-", _so long?_, Shinji inwardly gasped, "he's in a pretty good shape. Don't let him fool you, though - he may be very lively now and you can feel free to play with him to get him used to you and make him feel at home, but don't let him go for broke. The excitement peps his system up so he doesn't even notice when he's tired and that's something we have to prevent. Just do your best to make sure he gets some sleep tonight, that's essential after so much new and thrilling." He winked. "I will give you some medicine."

The doctor pulled open a drawer in the broad white cupboard that occupied the whole wall next to the cupboard and took a small pack of pills out. He put a respectable amount of them into a small plastic bag and handed them to Kaworu - Shinji's hands were still occupied with holding the puppy against his chest.

"Put a half one of these into his food once a day. It's to make his cold go away." As if to emphasize his words, the puppy gave another loud "tchruf!" that shook its whole tiny body. The vet's voice turned serious. "It may happen that he'll relapse. And, that's what worries me more, there's a virus circulating lately and it can take several weeks to months to show. I don't know if this one has had contact with an infected dog, but the chances are not small and that's not good. If he shows overall indisposition like inertia - and I don't mean the usual laziness all puppies have sometimes -, dullness, lack of appetite and so on, I want you to inform me as fast as possible, otherwise it may be that his immune system might be too weak yet to fend off the virus on its own. Here..." He extracted a pen from the depths of his white coat and scribbled a phone number onto a small slip of paper, then gave it to Kaworu as well. "This is the number of my cell phone. You can call me at any time if you notice something about him."

Shinji felt slightly overwhelmed by all the information and the kindness and dedication to his job that the vet displayed. He squeezed the puppy's paw a little. "Thank you," he said sincerely and received a rough pat on the shoulder in return that almost brought him to his knees. Kaworu couldn't suppress a grin and Shinji sheepishly returned it.

"No need to thank me, I'm just doing my job," the doctor assured him and bent down to look at the puppy again. "Besides, he's a saucy little guy. He can be happy to be found by two pretty boys to look after him." He grinned broadly as both Kaworu and Shinji looked slightly nonplussed at being called _pretty_. "No offense to you, boys. But I digress," he observed and cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'd say this one here is a mix of quite a few breeds. I don't know which ones exactly, but he has a good deal of pug or shar pei, I dare say. Just look at his face - all those wrinkles!" He laughed and straightened up again. "Take good care of him, guys. Give him a cozy home, play with him and cuddle when he wants to. And don't forget the food, of course. That's enough to make a puppy happy, you know. Basically." He laughed again and led them over to the door.

----------

"So... What do we still need?" Kaworu asked himself with a look up and down the shelves. They had already picked a leash, food, some toys - Kaworu had found a squeaking skull to be highly amusing and Shinji had hesitantly agreed when he had taken it from the shelf - and a book about puppies and dogs in general, just to be sure. Neither of them had much experience with dogs and though the vet had given them some instructions and tips - and they had certainly felt awkward because he had almost treated them like they had just become parents and were about to take their first baby home - they wanted to play it safe. Kaworu, anyway. Shinji did not say much but rather contented himself with being quiet and holding the basket in which the small dog had fallen asleep again. Kaworu had taken it with him from the house for them to put their new goods in, but by now Shinji was sure they would have to carry them by hand so as to not wake the animal again. He did not really want to make decisions, it was Kaworu who paid it all and such. He did not feel like he deserved to decide about the puppy.

The silver-haired teen, on the other hand, seemed to think otherwise. He asked Shinji for his opinion on pretty much everything, held up this and that, and seemed to be having fun getting all the stuff needed for the puppy.

Upon Kaworu's question, he looked up. "A collar, maybe?" he suggested, trying to be at least a little helpful. He felt warm somewhere inside his chest when Kaworu's face lit up considerably and he nodded.

"Right! Almost forgot that."

The variety of collars there were was overwhelming. Single-colored, varicolored, striped, dotted, with bones and doggy faces and flowers on them. Kaworu gave Shinji a questioning look.

"What do you think?" he asked and tilted his head, grey hair falling softly into his eyes. "Which one?"

Shinji looked blank. Kaworu _had_ asked for his opinions up to now various times, but had never wanted him to decide on his own, without making any specific nominations. He was slightly nonplussed at this, but tried to be of some use nonetheless.

He let his gaze travel up and down the shelf, trying to take everything in. The smallest collars where a little further up and he had to stretch to take the one that had sparked his interest from its hook. It was one with red and green plaid.

"I - um, this one, I think," he said tentatively, hoping strongly Kaworu would like it. His worries proved to be unfounded because the silver-haired teen smiled and nodded his agreement.

"Perfect! I wasn't able to decide myself, you know." Shinji had the distinct feeling that it wasn't just that - Kaworu had wanted him to take part and make some choices of his own, even if it was only about a dog collar. And the brunet suddenly felt strangely content. He was making decisions, taking some possibilities, if only small ones. He wasn't going to be a stupid, useless child anymore, not an unwanted brat to be tossed away, not even his father could treat him like that anymore...

He was torn from his thoughts when Kaworu's warm hand closed around his wrist and he suggested to go pay the stuff. Shinji merely nodded and followed.

----------

"He still needs a name," Kaworu remarked as he watched the puppy tug on Shinji's sleeve with its small teeth and great enthusiasm. The brunet looked up and gave it a rubber bone to distract it from his clothes. The already was a small hole in the hem, but he tried not to think about it. The puppy tried to take the bone into its muzzle and, when this didn't work because it was way too big for it, began chewing happily on one end, its small tail wagging vigorously.

Shinji brushed a strand of hair - _when had he last had it cut?_ - out of his eyes. "True," he concurred and sat back, knees pulled close. Kaworu was sitting cross-legged next to him. "We can't just call him _puppy_ forever." He waited for a suggestion from the other boy.

Silence ensued. When Shinji raised his gaze, his eyes met Kaworu's who was looking at him expectantly - obviously, he was waiting for him to say something. When no words came, he took initiative, though, and emphatically confirmed Shinji's suspicion.

"I want you to choose one, Shinji."

Shinji felt his heart beat a little faster and he quickly busied himself with petting the puppy. In secret, he had already thought about this issue and he didn't really need to choose anymore.

"Scraps," he said gently and ran a finger along the tip of the puppy's ear.

"I like it," Kaworu replied simply and smiled at Shinji who gingerly returned it.

There was a pause when neither of them spoke. It was a nice silence. Not the embarrassing "oh no, I don't know what to say" kind of silence. Just... peaceful quietness. It didn't last long though, because a sudden thought came to Kaworu.

"Um..." He searched for words to put right what he had in mind. "You know, I wonder if he's house-trai-"

At that very moment, before he could even finish his sentence, Shinji gave a yelp and jumped. There was a dark, wet spot across his pants and shirt.

"Guess not," Kaworu mumbled while taking in the damage. Scraps barked excitedly as Shinji lifted him from his lap.

"Yeah, sure, you find that funny!" he snapped angrily and Kaworu looked at him with surprise. Sure, he didn't have to be extraordinarily happy about the accident, but it was only clothes, he could wash - oh. _Oh_. The silver-haired teen felt like slapping himself for being arrogant and thoughtless enough to apply his own life's measures to Shinji's. Maybe it was just that he could _not_ just wash his clothes when he felt like it. He was also wearing the same shirt he had been wearing the last time they had met - what if he only had this one? Even if he did have the possibility to wash it, he would have to sit in the cold with little more than his pants on, waiting for it to dry, and that was more than likely to lead to illness and more problems. He suddenly could very well relate to Shinji being so upset.

He placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder. The other teen cringed at the sudden contact.

"Don't worry, I'll lend you some clothes," Kaworu tried to soothe him and pulled his hand back, inwardly a little ... - hurt? surprised? disappointed? - about the brunet's obvious rejection to be touched. "Come..." He took Scraps from Shinji's hands and stood, offering him his other hand to help him up. The other boy complied only hesitantly.

"You don't have to, really, I can't just take clothes from you, they'll get dirty..." he mumbled his excuses, but Kaworu merely shrugged in response.

"Why not? Really, it's not a big deal... Wait a moment." He gave the puppy back to him and left the room to fetch some clothes. Shinji stared at the spot where he had stood until some seconds before. Then, he directed his gaze to look at Scraps.

"You're a trouble-maker, you know," he told the puppy that looked back with incomprehensive brown eyes. "Now you're responsible for me wearing Kaworu's clothes." He blushed furiously at his last words. He really needed to get home. _Soon_. His mind was already turning into a single chunk of pointless thoughts again. Just like last time they had met.

Luckily enough, Kaworu returned soon and didn't leave him to further pursue his stupid _stupid_ train of thought.

"There," he said, handing Shinji a small pile of clothes. "Hope it fits..." His face turned slightly red. "There's also some shorts, just in case, I don't know how, er, thorough Scraps was..." He broke off, feeling very stupid.

Shinji took the clothes after setting Scraps onto the ground and felt a little out of place suddenly. "Thanks... Um... Where...?"

Kaworu was glad he didn't say anything about the clothes and led him to the bathroom - it turned out to be in the corridor that led to the small room that he had played the violin in back then.

"Just leave the stuff in there, I'll wash them and give them back to you later."

Shinji looked puzzled. "Later?"

Kaworu shrugged. "Aren't you going to visit Scraps some time?" he asked and Shinji's expression was enough of an answer to him. "See you," he finally said and turned to get back to Scraps in the living room. Shinji watched him vanish out of sight before he opened the door behind him and entered the bathroom.

It was beautiful, all white and blood red. There was a huge window on the left and the round tub was, so Shinji thought, gigantic. It was one of the kind you always saw in ads for champagne and bubble bath and chocolates, the really expensive ones. He felt slightly queasy in here. He just didn't fit.

Shinji stripped out of his clothes, discovering that Scraps had really been very thorough, as Kaworu had so nicely put it. He quickly cleaned himself up a little - ruining the clothes Kaworu had been so kind to lend him was the last thing he wanted - and then slipped into the shorts, pants and shirt. It felt awkward and exciting, the fabric was clean and soft and cool and he found himself inhaling deeply the peach scent of the detergent it had been washed with.

The pants were black, the shirt long-sleeved and beige, a small black print of a butterfly and a skull right over his chest, underneath the date _1991_.

He looked at himself in the mirror. The clothes were loose-fitting and he thought with a blush just how much better Kaworu must have looked in them, seeming so much more mature to him.

And his reflection, he noticed, didn't seem to be that of a street kid anymore. It looked like a normal teenager who went to school, liked to hang out with his friends in the arcade constantly and was about to make himself independent from his parents and grow up.

He turned away. How much more wrong could it be. He was none of that, would never be.

He folded his own clothes neatly and left them on the floor to not make anything dirty. Then, he made his way back to the living room, to Kaworu. It felt odd, going through the corridor, looking around, all alone. For once, not led by anyone. Unknown territory.

Kaworu was sitting on the floor cross-legged and scratched Scraps' ear with one hand while with the one he held the book they had bought. The big, black letters above a colorful picture of three puppies - a German shepherd dog, a poodle and a doberman - lying in a basket read _About training puppies_. When Shinji entered, he looked up. For a moment, he didn't manage to say anything.

Seeing him stand there in _his_ clothes, the ones he had worn so often himself, a little too large for the brunet's thin frame and revealing his collarbones in a way he didn't really mind... He felt a tingle spread throughout himself upon the odd appeal of seeing the other boy fumble with the hem of his shirt, sleeves almost so long they covered his hands completely. He looked, and Kaworu wondered if he was even allowed to think this about a boy, undeniably cute. He made a mental note to have a psychiatrist check on him soon.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to him, he managed a smile. "Looks good," he remarked quite composedly and gestured Shinji over. Oh, how good an actor he was. The dark-haired teen complied and sat down next to him.

"This," Kaworu pointed at the book in his lap, "is really interesting. We're gonna have a lot of work to go through with him." He smiled and held the book so Shinji could read as well. It took him by surprise, though, when the brunet shifted a little and leant with his shoulder against him to have a look.

"May I...?" Shinji inquired softly after some minutes and made a gesture to indicate turning the page. Kaworu was startled for a moment when he heard the words and noticed he had barely read more than a few words since the other boy had come back. He could feel the warmth and softness of the body next to him through the fabric of his shirt. To not show this too openly, he merely nodded and watched when the slender fingers turned the page to reveal more words.

Shinji had began petting Scraps as well, keeping his eyes directed at the pages and reading attentively. The puppy squirmed a little to get crawled in all the best places, tongue lolling out of its mouth, occasionally uttering an appreciative grunt.

Neither of them really registered when or how it happened, but, at some point, there hands met over Scraps' small belly - who was off in some dream by now, somehow managing to snore softly - and their fingers interlaced. Shinji did not let go. Kaworu neither.

They sat like that until darkness swallowed up the world outside and Shinji had to go.

----------

**So here it is. Quick, am I not? -prooooud of herself- But not so much of the chapter, I have to say. It's not really what I wanted it to be, and after proof-reading it for the umpteenth time and deleting quite some text, I'm tired of doing it again, so excuse me. It was way mushier in the beginning and I'm happy I took out a lot of that. It's still way too clichéd, but that might be my over-critical self. **

**Truth to be told, I have massive problems with the distance/closeness dynamical between KS. It's hard to find the right balance between the immediate closeness they have in the anime and the distance they have in the manga. (And they meet under completely different circumstances than in the series, so that's another factor why they can't be as warm with each other yet.) I hope I'll get past that problem, though.**

**Some randomness, isn't Disney great! I'm rewatching a lot of my old, crappy VHSs at the moment and I've come to rediscover my love for Mulan especially. Awww. (And isn't Li Shang just the hottest thing ever in a Disney movie! -melts-) **

**I also think I know now what I want to become - a 2D animator. Preferably for Disney, of course ;P It'll take a lot of work (and maybe I need to leave my home country, there's not much of a great animator's future to have in Germany) but I'm determined to pull it through. Wish me luck!**

**Chapter 6 needs to partially typed still and it needs revising, but maybe in a week, it's here. (Mind the "maybe".) And chapter 7... Let's not speak of it. I've just thrown away my... what is it, the 6th draft? It's gonna be a lot of work till I'm gonna put that one up. Argh!**

**Love y'all! (Oh, and of course I am not going to delete the story - I was just stressed and having a writers' block, so nothing new. Sorry to have said that.)**


	6. Laugh and scream

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Laugh and scream, my dear**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 6/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. Nothing new.**

**Word Count: 4,840**

**Dedication to Kerii-chan. You're officially the cutest reader I've ever had! (Which aren't so many, but you get the idea -hug-) This chapter has a whole truckload of silly, mushy fanservice - enjoy!**

When Shinji made his way back to the factory, it was already late evening. Everyone would already be asleep when he returned - they didn't have electricity and saved their candles up for important occasions and emergencies. Usually, they would just go to sleep when the sun had fully set. Besides, it was getting colder and colder with every passing night and it was best now to cuddle up under a blanket or jacket or whatever each of them had to protect themselves from the bitter chill.

He cupped his hands, gently breathed some warm air onto his skin and rubbed his palms together. Then, he slid them into the pockets of the jacket. _Kaworu's_ jacket. He felt a little warmth creep into his cheeks at the thought of how the other boy had insisted on giving it to him. Shinji had refused at first, but when Scraps had woken and run in on them, barking happily, and pulled the piece of clothe over to the brunette, hopelessly entangling himself in the fabric that was more than four times as big as himself, Shinji hadn't been able to help but laugh and finally take it.

He inhaled deeply and the cold air blended sweetly with the fragrance of the clothes. He felt warm, not only his skin, but inwardly. Knowing Kaworu felt not as much like an oppressing weight on his mind anymore, but more like a dulcet secret he carried with him.

He reached the edge of the factory's grounds and felt his heart turn slightly heavy. His _home_.

He couldn't really see the building, just where its black silhouette masked the stars. It seemed like a black hole to Shinji. He opened the heavy door as soundless as possible. In the hall, everything was just as dark as outside. He made his way across the room and slid through another door, down a corridor, yet another doorway...

The floor of the room was covered with the forms of sleeping boys, some sound- and motionless, others turning every so often and mumbling in their sleep. Shinji paid attention to not step onto anyone as he crossed the room and sat down on his mat. He stripped out of the jacket and laid down, kicking off his shoes and pulling the thin blanket up to his nose. He really needed some sleep now and then had to decide tomorrow how to approach Asuka. He didn't want her to be angry with him. He had had a crush on her, after all. It hadn't endured for long, but hey, first love is first love. He couldn't imagine not liking her outgoing, perfectionist behaviour. Even if he did not like her like that anymore, she still was important to him.

"Shinji?"

A soft voice rose and Shinji turned to see little Yuichi stand next to his bed with a teddy bear under his arm. It was an old one that Asuka had somehow managed to get for him - stolen, probably -, but he still loved it, even if it had begun falling apart quite some time ago. One eye was dangerously close to falling off and its back sported a hole where the stuffing was poking out.

"Mh?" Shinji sat up. "What's it?" he asked. Yuichi looked at him with huge, pleading eyes. "Can I sleep in your bed? It's so cold in mine."

Shinji stifled a yawn and somehow - he felt like he was going to drop dead any second - managed a smile. "'Course." He shifted a little to make space for the small boy who immediately cuddled up to him. Actually, he didn't fancy bodily contact all that much. It was okay if Kensuke, or Touji, in that ebullient way that he had, touched him or sometimes even Asuka, but letting someone really close was nothing that he'd risk to tear down all his defences down for. Yuichi was something different, though. He was small and nice and... well, a child. Shinji did not fear being hurt by him.

Yuichi snuffled. "Is that shirt new?" he inquired curiously, eyeing the skull critically. Shinji secretly wondered if he could even make out the details properly, dark as it was.

"Uhum." He felt himself begin to drift off into sleep again already; the day had worn him out more than he would have suspected.

"Wow." Yuichi sounded impressed deeply. After a moment's silence, he sniffed again softly, nose twitching a little. "It smells nice," he said matter-of-factly. Shinji smiled sleepily.

"Yeah, it does."

-----------

"Let's go to bed," Kaworu told the puppy that was currently trying to kill the carpet in front of the fireplace - so far, the carpet was doing a pretty good job surviving. The small dog gnawed gruffly on a corner and eyed the teen suspiciously as he edged closer to pick it up. It gave a loud sound of reluctant protest, followed by a "tchruf!" that shook it from head to tail, but didn't struggle much as it was held firmly, yet gently by warm hands. Not as bad as it could have been...

Kaworu went, Scraps in his arms, up into his room, not before letting the pup have a pee outside first - he had learnt from the accident with Shinji and wanted to do his best to get Scraps house-trained as soon as possible. It heightened his chances of keeping the puppy considerably.

Up in his room, he made an improvised bed for it out of old blankets and a cushion. "There you go," he said and set Scraps onto it. The puppy sniffed excitedly, but soon decided it was much better a choice to cuddle up and sleep now and leave the closer inspection for tomorrow. It curled into a pile of fur and peacefulness and soon was seemingly asleep. Kaworu petted its head affectionately. "Sweet dreams, Scraps," he murmured gently. He rose with a slight smile and sat on his bed. He only stripped off his jeans, he was too tired to change clothes now.

The pillow made a soft sound when he let himself fall onto his bed, it was that kind of _poof_ they always made in movies. Oh joy. Kaworu's mind drifted off, letting the day's events pass by in front of his mind's eye.

Shinji really brought a lot of changes into his life. Not that he'd have complained, he actually liked it. He smiled. Back then, when he had been sleeping in the living room next to him, he had laughed at himself for thinking that Shinji might change his life, and now he couldn't imagine anything he wished for more. Oh, he had wanted it to change since... practically forever. But now he also knew at least a little _what_ in particular he wished for. He buried his face in the pillow.

Shinji had voluntarily made physical contact, initiatively even. Kaworu considered this a noteworthy event. ... His hand had been warm and fragile. It was more than noticeable he hadn't eaten much for a longer period of time.

He found he wanted to help Shinji. Someone like him deserved a better life, way better. Kaworu wondered if he was selfish and disgusting for wanting to make him happy himself and be the one Shinji would be grateful to. He didn't know. Maybe.

He turned to lie on his back, staring up at the ceiling. A familiar ceiling. How he detested it.

-----------

Shinji yawned and rubbed his eyes as he sat up. Yuichi was still sleeping soundly and he didn't want to wake him, so he got up silently and stretched. Most of the _beds_ were still occupied, but some seemed to have already gotten up. Shinji noticed that Touji and Kensuke had to be among them.

When he entered a hall not too far from the one with the spiral staircase - they used it as refectory, if one could even call it that -, he found not only them, but Shiro, Asuka and another boy, Yuki, as well. Asuka glared at him briefly before demonstratively turning her head away.

They were having breakfast - not much, merely bread and a little cheese and an apple for everyone, but it still seemed luxurious, like something delicious to savor, to every single one of them and Shinji wasn't surprised to observe a certain spark of childlike delight in their eyes every days anew at breakfast since they had made such a _fortune_.

"Morning," Touji greeted, his muffled because his mouth was stuffed with food, whereas Kensuke merely waved a hand in silent salute.

"Good morning," Shinji replied and sat down to have something as well. He had only just realized that he hadn't eaten anything since the morning before - which was definitely too long, he decided, because his stomach was already protesting loudly. He pressed a hand to his waist to quit its growling and reached for an apple. The green surface felt slightly waxy to the touch and he began rubbing it clean with the hem of his sleeve in a motion so out of habit that he didn't even notice consciously at first before he realized it was Kaworu's clothes he was possibly making dirty here, and quickly stopped.

Shiro swallowed what he had been chewing and extended a hand to vaguely gesture in Shinji's direction. "New clothes?" he asked and took another bite from his apple, revealing a tooth gap in the process. He did not talk about his past, neither of them did, but the others had the silent suspicion his parents had been abusive - like a good deal of theirs.

"Um..." Shinji shifted a little and eyed his sleeve closely like it was going to tell him what to say. Unfortunately, it didn't. "No, not really. I borrowed them."

"Borrowed?" Shiro raised a suspicious eyebrow.

"Uh, yeah." Shinji shrugged, mind working feverishly. Think, think, _think_... "From a friend." Oh, that didn't sound like so much of a lie, did it? Did it? He nervously glanced over at Asuka in what he thought to be an inconspicuous manner but she pointedly looked away, obviously considering his presence not worth even a single sign of acknowledgement. He turned his attention back to eating again. The apple was cold and his front teeth hurt a little from it, but he ignored it.

"Cool," Yuki remarked and leant in closer to inspect the print on the shirt. Judging by his expression, it obviously was after his fancy. "Cool," he repeated and sat back again to take an apple out of the paper bag.

Only he and Shiro talked from then on, the other four spent their small breakfast in awkward silence. It was the kind of situation where everyone knows or suspects something, but has no idea the others do to and if so, what exactly they have on their minds. Shinji was glad when several other boys sauntered into the hall, stretching and yawning and saluting sleepily - among them Yuichi who sat down next to Asuka and the two of them started chatting amiably. Despite her apparent distaste of Shinji, she seemed to have no problem whatsoever being around Yuichi like she always was. She was some kind of big sister to him and, even if she didn't like to admit it and hadn't done so up to now, quite okay with it. She had once stressed that she didn't like children, would never want to have own ones - but one just could not resist Yuichi, nice, cute, candid Yuichi. Secretly, the others suspected she had merely been putting up a show to prove once again that she really couldn't care less about them all, including the small boy that so openly adored her. Typical for Asuka, that was. And, as usual, they hadn't bothered believing it. It was only so much hot air, anyway.

Shinji quickly finished eating and left the hall. He had to get away somehow. He didn't want to talk to Touji or Kensuke now - both seemed to be in an odd mood today, they had barely said a word to him - and he had the distinct feeling they were angry with him for some reason. Maybe Asuka really wasn't the only one who was in the picture about the night of the raid.

He felt a cold hand close around his heart as he wondered if there were others who knew about him and Kaworu. Most of the street kids didn't like the "rich and famous", as everyone with a house larger than needed was entitled quickly, some even went far enough as to detest them. Shinji felt guilty when he remembered he had up until recently belonged to them.

He went up to the roof, the usual place he retreated to when he needed to think about something thoroughly. There were nails scattered across the ground, and metal objects that no one - except Kensuke, maybe - knew the initial purpose of, covered in dust and dirt and reddish brown rust.

Shinji laid down on the broad, yet low wall at the edge and merely stared up at the endless blue sky above that, with nothing hindering his view in any direction, seemed just about to swallow him up, body and soul and everything. For a moment, he felt like he merely had to lift his hands from the firm, secure concrete beneath him and he would just fall upwards, into azure nothingness. And it really didn't seem so bad a thought.

Today, there were piles of clouds strewn across the sky and they slowly passed by, high, high above him, lazily floating through the air. He wondered what flying must be like. He had never even been near a plane.

Shinji closed his eyes. He had to clear things up eventually. He couldn't go on and on sneaking away to see Kaworu and Scraps like in some stupid Hollywood movie or something, making up even sillier excuses for being away so often. He didn't want to make the others mistrust or dislike him. At some point, he would have to tell someone... Yeah, surely... The sooner, the better, probably.

Why not Asuka first? She was probably the one who deserved it most, being so upset about him and his betrayal and everything. Yes, Asuka it would be. He had to think of the right words beforehand, of course. It would surely take... some time. Right. He wouldn't be _running away_, just... postponing it a little. Nothing wrong with that. It wasn't like he could just -

"_Borrowed from a friend_, hm?" A loud sneering voice brutally interrupted his thoughts and he shot up straight.

Asuka was standing a few meters from him, hands on her hips, and seemed very angry. If looks could have killed, Shinji would have been dead now.

"Asuka," he breathed, placing one foot on the ground. Away was the feeling of endless falling in the blue, without restrictions anywhere. Instead, there was a new one, spinning as well, making him feel panicky and anxious. This was not good...

"What friends? That albino guy of yours?" She gave a derisive, harsh laugh and it sounded bitter, hollow in the fresh morning air. "How long do you want to continue lying to our faces? How dumb do you think we are?!"

Shinji made an unsure step towards her. In his head, several bells were going off, ringing and screaming alarm, he was being stupid again - and careless! -, but yesterday... Just yesterday he had told himself he would stop being a child now, he would take responsibilities... He needed to prove himself he wasn't just an unwanted, irresponsible child anymore. The idea that had crossed his mind seemed surprisingly welcomed, like something sweet and new and dangerous.

"Asuka, listen," he tried to soothe her, raising his hands in a slightly defensive gesture.

"Listen? To what?" She spat the words out like cold venom. "More false stories of yours?"

"_No_," Shinji protested in an insistent and almost pleading tone. If only she was going to listen and _believe_ him... "I - I want to tell you," he added a little lamely.

"_What_?" she asked in return.

Shinji swallowed hard. What he was going to say now was... difficult, to say the least. He had no idea how to begin or to make it sound less like something you would think up while being heavily on drugs. "About - about why I manipulated rope and, er, everything." His hands had, unnoticed by him, clenched into fists at his sides and he only registered as he felt the blood pulse through his palms, against his fingernails.

He expected Asuka to go into another fit of rage, like yesterday, but to his surprise she didn't. She just looked at him and the distrustful expression in her eyes made him feel guilty to the bone.

"Really?" she inquired suspiciously, head turned a little, but eyes fixed on his face.

He nodded slowly. "Uhum."

She closed her eyes and threw her hair back, one hand still at her hip. "What are you idiot waiting for, then?"

Shinji let out a relieved sigh. At least she was going to listen to him. If she was going to believe what he would say a different story altogether, but it was a start.

----------

"Be quiet, I want to hear what they're saying," Touji hissed and pressed himself closer to the window frame.

He and Kensuke had come to the conclusion that whatever Asuka wanted to shout at Shinji for had to be about his supposed treason and the lies he had told them. And they deserved just as much an explanation as she. Thus, they had sneaked into a room right beneath the roof and opened a window to listen. Admittedly, it wasn't exactly _fair_ to eavesdrop... But, really, who cared?

They were lucky. Asuka and Shinji were sitting right about them and they hear everything just fine.

Believing it was harder.

----------

Shinji didn't go into details like telling Asuka Kaworu had said he was sweet - and he was sure this was something she really didn't need to know -, but he tried to stay as close to the truth as possible.

Asuka listened attentively, yet somewhat incredulous. The mention of Scraps, though, made her face brighten up and she started asking about how small he was and what breed, how old and of what color. _Girls are weird_, Shinji thought when she got all enthusiastic about the puppy. _Just tell them about something small and furry with big eyes and they get completely oblivious to everything else. _

When he had finished with his story, there was silence. Shinji didn't dare look at Asuka, for fear she accuse him of just having made it all up.

"So that's it?" she asked and he nodded. "Hm." It didn't sound particularly angry, but with Asuka, one could never know.

"You... believe me?" he finally managed to say and his voice was unexpectedly hopeful.

Asuka shrugged. "I don't see why I shouldn't. Even an idiot like you could think up better excuses, it would be too dumb for even you to bring this up as one. So, yeah, I do." She didn't look at him but Shinji had the distinct feeling she secretly was glad he had chosen to tell her.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and his voice was close to trembling with the feeling of a ton of worries having been lifted from his heart. Somewhere off in the distance, in the city, a bell rang. It was noon. Shinji gazed at the silhouette of a chimney.

"Asuka," he said slowly and she gave him a frown at his change of voice.

"Yeah?" she asked, her tone tinted by suspiciousness again.

"Would you... would you cover up for me if I went to look after Scraps? I don't want the others to know yet," he added quickly. "They might get the wrong idea and since they don't even seem to care about my former story, I thought I'd just tell them later."

"If at all, you mean," she replied and gave him a firm look. He turned his face away. "Maybe."

She shrugged. "Why not." An impish grin appeared on her features. "As long as I get to see Scraps some time! I don't trust you guys to take care of such a cute, little, needy baby dog." She placed a hand over her heart and Shinji thought he'd see a halo appearing over her head at every moment.

"If you want to," he said, silently feeling pity for Scraps - he'd be hugged to death.

"What are you waiting for, then?" she returned impatiently. "Go fetch him!"

"Wha - now?!"

"Of course," she said in her usual voice that meant "oh, great, he's being slow again".

"But - I don't think that's a good idea," he replied cautiously, inwardly preparing for another outburst of her temper. "I mean, he surely has to get used to his new home first and, um, stuff."

For a moment, she just stared at him. He couldn't make anything of that look, so he just stayed silent. Then, she smoothed back her hair again and crossed her arms. "I see. Well, as long as you take him by some time, it's okay, I guess. Now get lost and move your lazy bum over to him before he starts feeling lonely."

She watched his face brighten considerably and he turned to hastily make his way downstairs again. Asuka herself followed down into the building once he was out of sight and slipped out of a backdoor. She ran.

Wheezing slightly, she came to a halt somewhere in the unoccupied, dead-looking plain behind the factory. "Idiot," she muttered. "Stupid, dumb, shallow idiot."

In hindsight she didn't even know if her last words to Shinji had been merely about Scraps or, more likely, someone else as well. She only knew that he was bad at hiding the affection in his voice when he came to talk about that other guy. That jerk. _Kaworu_.

A scream was torn from her throat. "You pathetic little idiot, Shinji Ikari!"

Asuka Soryuu Langley had overcome tears at the age of 4, but, right now, she still felt like a crying child.

-----------

Shinji almost forgot to take the jacket with him and had to go back to pick it up. H almost skipped with joy and excitement as he made his way to Kaworu's. He had told Asuka. She actually believed him. She even helped him. He was going to make sure she would have a lot of time to play with Scraps.

Upon arriving at the huge, white, double-leaved gate, he stopped abruptly, indecisive for a moment. He couldn't just walk in. With surprising nervousness, he rang the bell. For about a minute, nothing happened and Shinji was just about to turn away in disappointment when the loudspeakers cracked. The voice sounded vaguely sleepy.

"Hello?"

"Um," Shinji said, wondering slightly what appropriate thing to say now was. "It's me. Shinji," he added, remembering that Kaworu could not see his face.

"Oh." Silence. "_Oh_. Um, good morning, I guess... Just co-_ouch_, wait a moment." The was a delighted bark in the background and Shinji had to suppress a grin. It sounded like Kaworu was trying to detach a very much awake Scraps from his toes.

"Come in," the voice suddenly reappeared. "The gate's open."

Shinji looked at the loudspeakers for another moment, then gingerly tried to open the gate. It worked perfectly fine.

When he had covered half of the distance over to the house, the door opened and Scraps shot out. He immediately started inspecting the garden, leaving no leave and no flower unattended to.

Kaworu was standing in the doorframe. Though he was dressed in fresh clothes, he looked like he was just out bed. His hair was just about everywhere. It looked _good_.

"Hey," he said and didn't quite manage to suppress a yawn.

"Hey," Shinji replied, a smile appearing on his face. He sheepishly ran a hand through his hair and became awfully aware that he hadn't combed it in quite some time. Oh, _great_... "Have I woken you? Sorry for that..." He kept his gaze fixed to the other's shoulder.

"Hm?" Kaworu looked at him in surprise. "No! No, really, you didn't." He nodded in Scrap's direction who was just raising a leg against a bed of tulips. "That guy has been keeping me pretty awake this night, that's all. You can't imagine how hyper something so small can be, despite being cute and all..." He gave a groan and leant against the doorframe as he watched the puppy rip a rose off a bush and chew on it happily to spit it out mere seconds later. "Those are my _mother's_..." His grimace turned into a weird mix of satisfaction and disdain. "Well, that's something not so bad about all of this." His voice sounded strangely cool at these words and Shinji looked up in surprise - he didn't have to look that far up, Kaworu was barely an inch or two taller at most - but didn't press on the matter further. He stared after Kaworu as he hurried out to fetch the puppy - it had just started ripping of the tulips and arranging them around their bed. Upon noticing Shinji's bewildered expression, he grinned weakly.

"He doesn't answer to his name yet," he explained and gestured Shinji inside, closing the door behind him. Shinji took off his shoes, then knelt to let the puppy sniff at his fingers. When it found they were familiar, it began licking at them eagerly and he laughed.

Kaworu smiled in surprised delight. He liked seeing Shinji laugh. "You're so happy," he mused and Shinji looked up.

"What would I else seem to you?" he asked in confusion, crawling Scraps between his eyes. "Sad?"

"Yes," Kaworu said simply and Shinji stared at him. The next moment he felt the strong urge to kick himself because the brunet turned his face away. "I - Shinji, sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"Must be because I finally told Asuka," Shinji said softly and squeezed Scraps' paw.

"Told?" Kaworu looked puzzled. Asuka. A girl. _Told her_. Inexplicably, he felt like his heart had dropped somewhere near his knees.

"About what really happened when I - you know, when we first met." Shinji blushed, obviously still embarrassed about his attempted crime.

"Didn't you tell them?" Kaworu asked. Shinji still didn't look at him.

"No."

"Why?" Kaworu sat down next to him, cross-legged.

"Um..." Shinji fumbled with the hem of his - _mine_, a mocking voice in the back of Kaworu's mind corrected - shirt. "You remember when I mentioned that the rope snapped?"

Kaworu nodded.

"It didn't. Well, it did, but not on its own." He took a deep breathe. "I cut it."

"Oh." Kaworu didn't know what else to say.

"I had a reason, you know." Shinji ran a finger along the seam.

"Tell me," Kaworu said and picked up Scraps to pet him.

And Shinji did.

-----------

"Um, Kaworu?"

"Hm?" Kaworu looked up. He was just trying to restore the tulips again and Shinji was doing his best to help. He knew a lot about gardening. "My mother loved flowers," he said simply when Kaworu pointed it out to him. Kaworu didn't dig deeper.

"Could - could I maybe borrow Scraps someday?" he asked unsurely and wiped the back of his hand over his face. A smudge of dirt was across his face afterwards.

"Sure," Kaworu replied. "He's your dog just as much as mine." He reached out to gently rub the stain from Shinji's skin with his thumb.

"Oh." The brunet turned red and squinted to watch Kaworu's hand. He smiled sheepishly. "I guess I still have to get used to it. Having a pet, I mean."

"I see." Kaworu's face displayed an expression of calm concentration, underlined by a slight smile.

"Asuka asked for it, you know," Shinji said. "She said she wouldn't trust us guys to take care of a _cute, little, needy baby dog_." He pulled a face.

Kaworu laughed. "So she wants to have a look at him?"

"Hug him to death, more likely," Shinji muttered. But otherwise she wouldn't have agreed to cover up for me, so I guess I have no choice." He sighed.

The fingers vanished from his skin. "Are you going to tell the others eventually?" Kaworu asked. Shinji noticed he was just as dirty as he himself.

"'Pose so," he shrugged. There was a pause. He scraped all of his courage together. "You have a stain there," he sad and pointed at his cheek.

"Oh." Kaworu was just about to wipe it away when he noticed Shinji sitting back on his heels, looking at him - waiting. He let his hand sink again and closed his eyes as the brunet leaned forward and gingerly returned the gesture, face still flushed.

**I must seriously stop promising a quick update when I **_**know**_** that it's going to take me ages again. Argh. I totally forgot about my holidays - the last two weeks I spent in Austria, so no update. I finally managed a half-decent begin for chap 7, so maybe it was worth it. (The rest of the chapter has to be written still, but, weeeh, I got the beginning! Yay! 7 is officially the hardest thing I'm ever going to write.) **

**I know this chapter was mostly pure and utter fanservice... But we have some plot going on, so it's okay, I hope. I have problems writing Asuka sometimes, though. Well, it can only get better. **

**At this point I want to really, really thank you all (like I've never thanked you before -cough-) for your lovely comments. And I want to thank the readers that don't comment. I'm sure there are some, most of the time there are, and I want you to know that I appreciate everyone who is so kind and reads my stuff. And if you have come to read until here, till the end of chapter 6, then that is enough of a review to me because you haven't stopped reading halfway through. Thank you.**


	7. Red and Grey

**(- to 16-7-07)**

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Red and grey**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 7/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. Yay for repetitiveness!**

**Word Count: 3,346**

**Dedication to all my wonderful readers, especially those that always make me happy with the regularity and the loveliness of my comments - yes, I'm looking at you two ladies who, I hope, know now that they're meant -lol- Drop a note if you do P**

**(And before you're going to think "how self-insert-ish!" at a small revelation about Kaworu - trust me, it's necessary for a small bonus chapter I really want to do.)**

„Oh."

Shinji stopped in the doorframe, surprised by the sight that welcomed him in the living-room.

"Ta-dah!" Kaworu grinned and stepped past him into the room, an excited Scraps following at his heels. On the table, there were cups and two small cakes on plates, decorated with sugar confetti. There was a small, happy dog face painted with icing on each. At least Shinji suspected it was supposed to be a dog.

Kaworu pulled him over and gestured him to sit down. "Do we have a reason to celebrate?" the brunet asked puzzledly, but smiled at the obvious effort his friend had out into this. Kaworu shrugged.

"To me, yes," he said, pouring two cups of cocoa and handing Shinji one.

"Eh?" Shinji blinked. "Happy birthday, then!"

To his bewilderment, Kaworu laughed. "It's not my birthday, Shinji." He raised his cup. "I hereby proudly declare that Scraps, born I-don't-know-when in I-don't-no-where, is now _house-trained_." His last words vibrated with relief - about finally having succeeded in at least teaching the puppy that the house not a huge loo.

Shinji grinned, and they clinked their cups. "If that's not good news, I don't know what is," he agreed after sipping just a litte - the cocoa was still quite hot, and he hadn't dare to drink more yet. He still needed his tongue, thank you very much.

Scraps winced and, rolling his eyes, Kaworu produced a dog-biscuit from his pocket. The puppy eagerly began to munch at it.

"Yes, yes, you too," the white-haired boy said, petting Scraps' head briefly. Turning back to Shinji, he smiled encouragingly. "Dig in," he said. "I'd like to see if it's edible." With a brief grin, but without words, Shinji picked up his fork.

It was really good, albeit a little dry, and he had quickly finished half of the cake. Kaworu seemed to like his cookings, too. Under the table, Scraps cuddled against Shinji's foot.

"What's it?" Kaworu inquired curiously when Shinji had thoughtfully begun to chew on his fork, apparently not even noticing that there wasn't any cake on it. Blinking, he set it aside.

"You know," he began carefully, as if still with his mind chasing after that thought he had had, "now Scraps and I have gotten something. But you have done the work, not us." He retraced the tablecloth's pattern with a finger, looking up at Kaworu. "You should get a present too."

----------

Scraps tugged at the leash excitedly as they made their way down the street.

"Touji is... somewhat loose-mouthed, but he's really nice at heart."

"Ah." Kaworu nodded thoughtfully. "What about Asuka?" He gave Shinji a curious look. During their talks he had already taken notice of the fact that Shinji seemed to like her a lot.

"Uh..." The brunet searched his mental dictionary for some nice words to describe the redheaded girl. "She's very nice, somewhere inside her, but she's also... hot-tempered, so to say. And she always curses in German, so I don't understand." He pulled a face.

"German?" Kaworu raised his brows in surprise. "She's from Germany, then?"

"Uh-huh." Shinji nodded. "Does it surprise you so much?"

"No, no." Kaworu shook his head. "It just seems that we have something in common, then."

Shinji stopped. "You're _German_?"

"Three-quarters." Kaworu shrugged. "My mum's German, my dad half. He met her on a business-trip to Germany - she was a waitress in the hotel he stayed at - and... well, you know how babies are made." He turned his face away, took the leash from Shinji's fingers and went ahead, leaving the brunet behind in puzzlement before Shinji caught up with him.

There was a silence. Shinji tried to engrave the past words deep into his memory. It was a rare occurence that Kaworu ever mentioned his parents at all - where were they all the time, anyway, Shinji wondered - but hearing him talk so openly about them was a moment to be treasured.

He wondered why Kaworu held so many grudges against his parents. He was, in Shinji's opinion, the impersonation of kindness and he couldn't imagine how anyone could make him that deprecatory.

Kaworu had stopped so abruptly at the mentioning of, well, the birds and the bees, and Shinji briefly wondered if maybe he had been an unwanted child. Then, he forbade himself further thoughts on this matter. It was not his to know and the Kaworu of the present really occupied his mind enough.

Only some minutes later it occured to him that maybe Kaworu had meant his small revelation to be a thank-you - or a compensation. He certainly had known that his present would take some courage from Shinji to give him.

The brunet stopped. "There we are," he said, pointing at the looming black silhouette that shimmered through the thick mists in the distance.

"So that's it." Kaworu rocked back and forth on his heels gently.

"Mhm." Shinji nodded. He swallowed. Well, he had told Asuka about this. She'd know. "Let's go," he finally managed to say and, grasping the other's sleeve almost without noticing, he went off, trying not to think of what might go wrong.

Kaworu knew how impertinent a thing to ask of Shinji his wish of seeing some of his life was, but curiosity is human nature and not many were able to withstand it. With an inward sigh, he thought that he could certainly not pride himself with being one of those few.

Sensing the brunet's nervousness, he gently pulled his sleeve from his fingers and ran a hand down the other's wrist to slip it into Shini's. A small shudder was the response. Kaworu could feel its last trails ripple through Shinji's finger tips.

----------

It was insensible, sitting around here, waiting for Shinji even though she didn't know when exactly he would come back. He hadn't mentioned a time or something. It could take all day until he returned.

And still Asuka was sitting on one of the crates in the hall, staring senselessly at the wall, kicking her feet into the air impatiently. Dust swirled through the beams of light that streamed inside through the skylights.

She had tried going up to her room and reading through that old magazine again, but she found she could say aloud every article by heart already and besides, she was way too fidgety anyway. After listlessly flipping through the sun-bleached pages, she had returned to sitting around in the hall.

Just yesterday evening, Shinji had come to her, knocking politely at the door as always, and declared with an air of suppressed excitement that he was going to bring Scraps over. And Kaworu'd come with him.

She couldn't say she was particularly joyous about this aspect of Scraps' visit. Overall, she was not exactly in a good mood lately - it was that time of the month again and she just wanted everyone to leave her alone. The world was unjust to women - she had to go through this pain and edginess and all, if she wanted babies or not. And she surely did not.

Nicking tampons was also no fun at all.

She sighed and sat back. Inwardly, she cursed herself for her own stupidity. Now that it was probably too late anyway, she felt no more pangs of guilt and hurt pride when she thought that, probably, she (maybe) really did like Shinji. A lot. If only she had given in to that when she had still had a chance.

"Asuka?" The soft voice of Yuichi tore her out of her thoughts and she silently thanked him for it. It was no use brooding over things she couldn't change anyway. She'd be better off thinking of means to pay Shinji back. That idiot.

"Hm?"

The boy hopped onto the crate beside her. "What are you waiting for, Asuka?"

For a moment, she pondered if she should tell him or not. On one hand, she wanted to be left alone, but on the other hand, little Yuichi was pleasant company most of the time, even if she didn't say it out loud. And if, maybe, Shinji and his idiot friend arrived, she wouldn't have to be alone with them.

"Shinji is coming by with a dog," she said and held out her hands to show just how small Scraps was - or at least, how small she imagined he was. "A puppy. So small!"

Yuichi let out a sound of delight that probably only children could pull off. "Cool!" He laughed. Then, he leant in conspiratorially. "I'll tell you a secret, Asuka." Yuichi fell into a whisper. "I had a dog once, too." Clapping his hands over his mouth, he sat back quickly. Against her will, Asuka felt pity well up inside her. No one knew about Yuichi's past. She merely knew that they had found him in the streets, dirty, ragged and half-starved, and that from then on, he had stayed with the gang and been some kind of mascot - always there when fun was being had.

She ruffled his hair gently, forcing herself to show some outward gesture of affection. She wasn't one to be all lovey-dovey, least of all to others, but she felt she had to do this. Yuichi smiled his little smile and tilted his head aside slightly.

With a creak, the door opened and Asuka turned around sharply. It was Shinji that came in, looking inside cautiously. She noticed that one hand of his seemed to drag behind slightly - as if he were holding something. She hoped it was a dog leash.

When he stepped inside, he let go of whatever it was he had held. At the sight of Asuka, the corners of his mouth twitched upwards slightly in a timid smile. "Hi," he said.

"Hi," she replied with as much dignity as she could muster while staring at the boy that followed behind the brunet. His appearance was unusual, to say the least. He was lithe and ever so slightly taller than Shinji, though his unruly hair added some inches to his height, and he moved with a kind of elegance that was unobtrusive yet unfailing to be noticed. He was wearing black pants and a simple pullover. His eyes, she noticed with some kind of sick fascination, were blood-red. She hadn't been able to see that from when she had stayed the night outside his home, waiting for Shinji.

When he caught sight of her, he smiled a smile that would probably have made most girls faint. She already hated it. "Hi," he greeted and hinted a nod in her direction.

"Ah!" Yuichi had jumped up with an excited cry as after Kaworu, sniffling around expertly, a puppy came inside. Its large brown eyes widened as it was "attacked" but after a moment's surprise, it began to lick the small boy's hands eagerly.

"What's his name, Shinji?" Yuichi asked, eyes shining with adoration. Shinji knelt to be on eye-level with him and scratched Scraps' ear briefly.

"It's Scraps," he said.

"Cool," Yuichi replied, turning back to the puppy.

Neither Shinji nor Yuichi noticed that Kaworu and Asuka hadn't taken their eyes off each other yet. Asuka felt something twitch in her face. What the hell made that idiot smile so serenely? And it pissed her off that he hadn't looked away yet. When she was staring at someone, that someone was not supposed to stare back.

Kaworu tilted his head slightly. "Am I right to assume you're Asuka?" he inquired with unneeded curiosity. Inwardly, he was pretty much sure that it was her. Shinji had never mentioned that there were other girls in the gang, but one could never know. Better ask first.

"Yeah, so what?" she replied coolly. Kaworu didn't show, but he felt like frowning. Her rudeness was really unasked for - and it was not like he had done her any harm or something. He had never even seen her in all his life, merely heard her name on occasion - what reason would she have to dislike him? But it was not his to judge her. She was a friend of Shinji's and that certainly had a reason. He wouldn't question Shinji's choices.

"Nice to meet you," he answered with all the friendliness he could muster and he thought he saw her relax somewhat.

"Yeah, whatever." With a dismissive gesture, Asuke sat back down on the crate. Despite her denegation towards him, she always liked it when people knew to express their appreciation about meeting her. Contrary to what most people thought about her, she wasn't childish - she just was very selective about the persons she considered worthy to display her maturity to. "I don't think I have to ask who you are," she said.

"I guess not." He grinned briefly before sitting down next to her. Dismissing her first impulse of standing up and leaving, she made do with just moving over a foot. "Still... I'm Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu."

„Nothing I don't know yet," she shrugged.

"I thought so." Kaworu rested his chin on the palm of his left hand. The small boy had to be Yuichi. On his way here, Shinji had told him about whom he had fondly entitled "the family pet". With his short, dark hair, the smaller boy looked almost like a little brother of Shinji's. Kaworu felt an absent-minded smile tug at his lips as he watched the two fawn over Scraps. It was like the brunet had completely forgotten Kaworu was present, but he didn't care. He looked... happy.

Asuka rolled her eyes at the spaced-out expression in the boy's face as he watched Shinji and Yuichi. This was worse than she had thought. Jerk. "So," she interrupted his thoughts - thank God she never had to know what they were - loudly, "the game's up, I think?" As Kaworu merely answered her with a puzzled look, she continued, "I don't have to cover up for you two anymore, right? You can introduce yourself as Shinji's friend and everyone should be alright with him going off to see you continually. It's getting annoying that I have to think up excuses so that you two can meet. It's not my fault he doesn't have the balls to stand up to what he does."

Kaworu frowned. He had never looked at it from this way. If he was honest with himself, burdening Asuka with that task was probably rather cowardly. Still... He looked over at Shinji briefly before turning back to her. "I'm sorry, Asuka," he said sincerely. "Really. It must have been a great responsibility. I hadn't thought of that." She noticed his eyes quickly flicker over Shinji again. "And I'm sure he didn't mean to put that pressure onto you. You're an important friend to him and I'm sure he wouldn't want to upset you."

That shut her up. She stared at him. How dared that... that... _guy_ talk to her like he really knew who she was or what her life was like! ... He had said she was important to Shinji. Idiot. But not as bad as she had thought. "I won't die from it," she replied with a shrug and tilted her head a little so her bangs covered the slight blush that quickly stained her cheeks. "That little lying, I mean." Kaworu smiled.

Up the stairs, in the barely lit corridor, two figures stood and peered down curiously upon the four. Five, Scraps included.

"Wow."

"What, Touji?" Kensuke pushed him aside to have a look down into the hall as well.

"Looks like he's making friends with Asuka," Touji said, seemingly impressed. Kensuke's eyes grew wide in disbelief as he stared down at the redhead sitting next to the strange boy, actually talking to him like he wasn't some unworthy creature crawling in the dust. Wow.

He pushed his glasses up his nose. "I think it's safe to go down," he said, standing up. "Come. I wanna see that ominous friend of Shinji's."

----------

"See you, Kaworuuuu!" Yuichi called after them, hopping up and down and waving ferociously. Kaworu waved back, grinning.

The afternoon had faded away into dusk without them noticing, and only when the light had begun to dye everything red in the hall, Kaworu had uttered that maybe he should go home now. Yuichi had only let him after reassuring himself for the umpteenth time that, yes, of course, Scraps was going to come by again and, really, Kaworu was going to come with him. It's miraculous what little children can get out of you with only a pleading look.

"So that's Kaworu," Touji finally said, crossing his arms and looking after the two boys that grew smaller and smaller in the distance. "Looks like you can finally quit telling us those stories to cover up for them, right, Asuka?"

Oooh, that felt good. For once he could be the one to grin smugly at her stupefied face. A change of roles was nice. He could get used to this.

"What do you - _how do you know_?" she blurted, completely off-guard.

Touji grinned and waved a finger in front of her face. "Ah, Asuka. The walls have ears in here, you know. You shouldn't have an important talk on the roof, of all places - people could hear you."

Asuka went very red. Pushing her elbow into his ribcage, she turned and hurried back inside.

Giving a muffled "ouch", Touji clutched a hand at his side. That was going to be a bruise. "Was worth it," he mumbled, turning away from the hall. "Giving her something to chew on, I mean." Kensuke grinned.

"I think he's really okay," he said, staring after the two figures that had almost vanished behind the bridge by now.

"Uh-hum." Touji nodded, following his gaze. One boy - from this distance, he couldn't make out if it was Shinji or Kaworu - stumbled, the other pulled him up again by a hand. There was a certain awkwardness about the whole scene. "And I guess Shinji thinks so, too."

----------

"Have you seen how excited Yuichi was?" Shinji laughed and scratched Scraps' ear.

Kaworu grinned. "I'd be blind not to," he said.

They had arrived at the mansion's gates, but, somehow, were still unwilling to part. The sweet evening air brushed huskily through their hair and whispered of the past summer, making them both giddy and breathless.

The world was already being tinted bluish as if the night sky was descending upon them itself, soothing their minds and making them calm again. Shinji breathed in deeply. Today, the world was perfect. Kaworu had been introduced to the gang as a friend of his, and all were perfectly fine with it. Even Asuka had spent a day without having a fit of rage.

"You have wonderful friends, Shinji," Kaworu suddenly said and the brunet stared at him in puzzlement. "I'm happy for you."

"But - Kaworu, you must never forget you're also my friend," Shinji replied with a stubbornness that he didn't know of where it suddenly came from. "You're... wonderful, too, Kaworu." He directed his gaze up where the first stars were starting to lazily blink down at them.

The next moment, he felt Kaworu put his arms around his neck. Not knowing where to put his hands, he gingerly rested them at Kaworu's shoulders. His body felt very warm... and alive. He could feel him breathing. He was almost sure to hear the blood rush through his veins. He often shared his bed with Yuichi when the smaller boy couldn't sleep and needed someone to snuggle up to, so he was at least a little used to feeling others, but... this was different. He felt how heavy Kaworu's body was. How heavy his own body was. _How weird_, he mused. _How a body is so heavy and strong and yet so fragile and vulnerable. _

"Good night, Shinji," he heard, no, _felt_, Kaworu's voice close to his ear. "Be careful on your way back."

"I will," he promised. "Sleep well."

Kaworu did.

----------

**So this is it - my birthday chapter. Seriously, this is the most violet piece of writing I've ever done! It's chapter seven, written in July (7th month) and I'm just typing this at 7:49am (49 7x7). The seven is very violet. **

**Anyway, I'm not quite content with the chapter, I'd wanted it to turn out differently. I'm sorry. I've been gnawing at this for months and there was a time when I threw away the 8th draft for it and thought I'd just quit the story - this was so frustrating! I'm terrible at writing scenes with more than 2 persons. **

**Well, it's not a day for whining today - it's my birthday! Yeah! I'm 16 now! It's still going to take until this afternoon that I get my presents, but putting up another chapter is a present, too - I'd have liked to put 8 up already, though. I really love 8 and I'm very proud of it. (Quite rare with me -laugh-) 9 is already being done. I have just the first 6 of 20 points done and it's more than 3000 words long already oO" Maybe I'll have to split it up.**

**Oh, and it's not so off-canon that he's partially German - he spent most of his life in Germany, anyway, and we don't know who the person is he's cloned from. Could just as well have been someone in Germany. So I just went with that.**

**Anyhoo, although I already said this on several occasions, it's my b-day and I'll say it again because it makes me (and, hopefully, you) happy: I love y'all! Have fun and enjoy the story!**


	8. Autumn Leaves

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Autumn leaves **

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 8/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. Lalala, repetitive!**

**Word Count: 4,526**

**Dedication to Kerii-chan and ReaperRain because I thought you might like this chapter. **

"_Okay, I -" _

"_I'll do table three," Nathalie interrupted her, straightened her tie and went off. Linda stared after her blankly, but then shrugged and bustled off to attend on another guest._

_Nathalie, in the meanwhile, had arrived at her target. "Good evening," she said. "I'm Nathalie and I'm going to be your waitress tonight." _

_The young man smiled at her and she felt like she was going to melt right away. His red eyes gave him a distinctively exotic appearance - and she had a thing for exotic men._

"_I'm honored," he replied smoothly, "to be attended on by such a beautiful lady." Oh, and a charmer too! She blushed and gave a small giggle. _

"_Please, your date is going to be jealous," she said. _

_He quirked an eyebrow. "I think you're assuming wrong," he disagreed. "I'm not waiting for anyone." _

"_Ah." Oh, and a certain accent did his German have. Only made him all the more attractive. His R had a very soft ring to it. She felt the heat creep up her body. "May I take your order?"_

_As she had figured, it didn't take long until they were locked up in some store room. What she had not figured was that what she had meant only for some pleasure, that this night was going to change her entire life._

----------

From the day of his visit on, Kaworu had come to visit them more than once. Yuichi was always happy to see him and Scraps - the puppy reminded him very much of the dog he himself had once owned, as he secretly told Shinji, not without looking very guilty right afterwards. Shinji had hugged him and promised to bring Scraps over right on the next day.

"You know," he once mentioned to Kaworu, "sometimes I would like to ask him what's happened in his past so I can maybe help him. But," he shrugged, "it is his choice not to tell us and I don't want to patronize him. I think it's the wrong way to squeeze it out of him. If he feels he's better off with telling us, he'll do it." He smiled. "I trust him. He'll come when he needs help." And Kaworu couldn't help but feel that Shinji had just said out loud what he himself felt regarding the brunet's past.

----------

It was a few weeks after Kaworu's first visit when Shinji decided that he should probably tell Kensuke and Touji about the fact that Kaworu was not just a mere friend, but that he was the one at whose house the raid should have taken place - and how they had come to know each other. He had long by stopped wanting to tell the others. They had never so much as made a remark that let him suspect they knew something, and they didn't seem to care in the least. Touji and Kensuke, however... they were his closest friends, and they deserved to know. If he could tell Asuka, he could tell them.

"Guys?" They were in one of the less frequently occupied rooms in the back of the factory, obviously having fun - their faces were all red from laughing, Shinji thought. He couldn't get, though, why they would look like deer caught in headlights - which they did. Well, it was not his to know. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Ah." Touji ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. "Okay, um - what is it?"

"Er..." Shinji wrung his hands nervously. "You see, um... It's about Kaworu..."

"Oh, that."

Shinji blinked as Touji spoke in such a light tone. "What?"

"We know, Shinji," Kensuke said, leaning forward.

"About what?"

Kensuke rolled his eyes. "About _you_."

"That you cut the rope and stuff," Touji added.

Shinji's shoulders slumped. "Oh." He searched for words. "I - sorry, guys, I wanted to tell you earlier, and I can totally understand if you -"

"_And_," Touji interrupted pointedly, raising his index finger, "we're fine with it. Okay?" He patted Shinji on the shoulder. "Listen, if Asuka can cope with it without going completely ballistic, we have just as much dignity."

For a moment, Shinji was at a loss for words. So his worries about this had been completely without reason. How stupid. How unnecessary. How wonderful. "Thank you," he said wholeheartedly and smiled.

----------

It was a few days later at Kaworu's home. They were sitting in Kaworu's room, on the floor, sipping tea - and talking. Talking was what they did most of the time, anyway. It had become some kind of pleasant routine that Shinji would come by after Kaworu had returned from school and then sit next to him while he did his homework, taking in with an eagerness that he himself couldn't quite explain the knowledge spread out on the table in front of him. Kaworu was good at school and did his work quickly. Shinji found it admirable. He was not dumb, but terribly lazy in terms of school. ... He had always worked hard, though. He had had no choice.

When homework was done, they would play with Scraps, take him for a walk, talk... Not seldom, Kaworu would fetch Manon and he would play one for Shinji until his arms tired or they found they could do something else.

It was a Wednesday afternoon when they were talking again. "And the turtle says: _So much sand, and no sand moulds!_"

Kaworu laughed. "That's a good one," he said, grinning.

Shinji took a sip from his cup. "I have it from my mother," he replied. "It was the first real joke I was ever told - I knew it by heart when I was five."

Silence ensued. Kaworu had come to treasure the moments a lot when Shinji talked about his past. He didn't have many moments to treasure, up to now. Shinji's life was still mostly one huge miracle to him. It didn't stop him from liking him, though.

Today, Scraps wasn't here. The past days, Yuichi had been oddly quiet, as always during this time of the year. No one dared to ask, but everyone made efforts to cheer him up. It had been Shiro's idea to let Scraps stay overnight. Shinji had been a little worried the puppy might freeze, but it proved to be a good idea. This morning, Yuichi had looked a lot happier again, smiling in his sleep and holding the puppy close. Scraps had been drooling onto his collar contentedly.

Shinji had left him at the factory when he went off to Kaworu's. Yuichi had been in a really good mood and he didn't want to burst the little bubble of happiness that surrounded the small boy today. When he had apologized for not bringing Scraps back yet, Kaworu had merely smiled in that way he had and said he was happy for Yuichi.

"That reminds me..." Kaworu set his cup aside and stood, heading for his closet. His room was large, though not quite as much as Shinji had imagined, and the light furniture made it look friendly and nice. Here he looked so much at home that it seemed the rest of the house was not his as well. "I've got something for you, Shinji."

Shinji blinked and sat back on his heels. A present? He sighed inwardly. On one hand, getting presents from Kaworu was something to make his heart skip a beat, but on the other hand, he always felt a little guilty for not being able to give something back. Life can be like that when your own means are rather limited.

"Here." Kaworu set a pile of clothes on the bed before sitting back down next to Shinji.

"Oh." For a moment, Shinji was at a loss for words. "I - Kaworu, I can't just take them - they're yours!"

Kaworu merely smiled. "But I want you to have them, Shinji." He took a shirt off the stack - black, with a narrow, red print along the hems - and held it out to Shinji. The brunet looked at it, then back to Kaworu, then at the shirt again. Finally, he timidly took it from him. His fingers brushed across Kaworu's briefly, and he quickly pulled back.

"They're a little too small now, and I wanted to give them to some charity anyway. Well, why give it to someone else if I could just as well help you?"

"Thank you, Kaworu," Shinji said earnestly. Kaworu's heart beat a little faster as Shinji inspected the shirt with thankful curiosity and buried his nose in it, breathing in. "Your clothes always smell good." He smiled his usual, shy smile and folded the shirt neatly. Looking at the clothes again, he cocked his head. "Isn't that one a little tiny?"

Kaworu shrugged. "There's some stuff for Yuichi, too, I thought maybe he would like it." He was about to say something more when Shinji spontaneously flung his arms around him.

"Thank you, Kaworu," he muttered. Kaworu felt heat rise in his body. He could feel Shinji's breath warmly at his shoulder, through his shirt, when he exhaled. Shinji was way too close... "You're too good for this world, you know that? You help us a lot. You help _me_ a lot." Okay, scratch that. Putting his arms around Shinji's waist was nice, too. His body complained that he still wasn't close enough. He mentally told it to shut up.

With considerable reluctance, Shinji finally forced himself to detach his face from Kaworu's shoulder and sit back again. He noticed that his face was all flushed - weird, his own... was quite red, too, as he happened to give the mirror a quick side glance. Oh.

"I, um..." He sheepishly ran a hand through his hair. "Er... Shall we - shall we go and fetch Scraps?"

Kaworu looked at him for another moment, then nodded and stood. "Okay. We could go to the park with him, I guess."

Shinji nodded his approval and they left the house soon after.

The wind tugged at their clothes and blew past smoke and a sweet taste that lingered on their tongues for quite a while after. It seemed that someone was having a barbecue. Faint voices were carried by on a breeze, people chatting, laughing, screaming... living.

It felt unusual walking through the streets alone, together, without Scraps. It had become such a firm habit with them to take Scraps out whenever they went for a walk. Now it felt strange to not have the puppy darting around between their legs, making them trip, sniffing around and bringing them sticks and dead flowers he had found. Somehow, it was nice, though.

The last days of summer had begun, giving way to a cool, yet beautiful fall. The sky was of a dazzling blue, numbing eyes and minds, a sharp contrast to the rich yellows, reds, oranges and browns of the foliage. The trees' branches were not bare yet, but the ground already covered in leaves that crackled vulnerably when stepped on.

They walked in silence. Neither Kaworu nor Shinji really knew what to say. Both had to deal with what had happened some minutes ago. Shinji felt embarrassment rise in his chest. It wasn't like he hadn't touched Kaworu before, or like he was completely unused to having other people near him - he often cuddled with Yuichi when the boy needed some comfort. But, this time, it was different. A brief hug wasn't supposed to make his body completely go nuts. Especially with Kaworu! He was a boy, after all.

But, in the back of his mind, he felt that this was really the most minor reason to be upset.

Truth to be told, it was pleasant to walk in silence for once. The world was making enough noise for now, they needed not concur with half-hearted small talk.

Shinji was neither relieved nor unhappy when the factory came into view. At the moment, he felt... pleasantly neutral.

"Shinji!"

He looked up. Yuichi was standing in the hall's door and waved happily, Scraps held tightly in a secure embrace with his other arm. Shinji felt himself smile. It had been a good idea to let the puppy stay overnight.

"Hi," he said and scratched Scraps' scalp. Yuichi looked up at him, eyes shining with mirth, and poked Kaworu in the ribs. "Hi there," he greeted.

Kaworu grinned. "Hi. Everything okay with you?"

Yuichi nodded vigorously. "Just dandy." He hopped around Kaworu to inspect his backpack. "What do you have in there, Kaworu?"

Shinji looked at Kaworu. "You can't keep anything secret from a kid," he commented, but smiled as Kaworu took it off and knelt next to Yuichi.

"Shinji said you weren't feeling well lately," he said calmly, making it sound like it was just something that had no special reason, and the boy actually didn't look miserable as he usually did at mentioning of his fits of depression. "So I thought I'd give you a present."

Yuichi's face lit up. "Another puppy?"

Kaworu laughed. "Not quite," he said and pulled a small stack of clothes out of his bag. "Here. I thought maybe you would like them. It's getting cold already, so I figured you might need some warmer clothes." Yuichi set Scraps down on the ground - the puppy scuttled over to Shinji immediately, snuggling against the warm hands that greeted it - and took the clothes with disbelieving excitement. "They're not really new," Kaworu hastily added, "actually, they once belonged to me, but if you still like them, you can have them."

It was not really a question if Yuichi actually wanted them. He hopped about with them joyously, telling everyone how nice Kaworu was to give him such a wonderful present. Kaworu felt slightly embarrassed. He hadn't wanted to appear as some great benefactor, he had just wanted to cheer Yuichi up. The others, however, mentally added him some brownie points. Making Yuichi happy was making them happy. Everything was fine if it got the boy out of his sadness.

"Really a nice move, that," Kensuke commented when Yuichi had bustled out of the room again after showcasing each and every single shirt and pair of pants to them. "I can understand that Shinji likes Kaworu. He's really okay."

"Yeah." Touji scratched his ear, a weird look on his face that Kensuke couldn't quite identify.

"What's it?" he asked.

Touji ruffled his nose. "I don't know. I -" He bent forward conspiratorially. "Maybe it's just me, but they seem to like each other an awful lot."

Kensuke tilted his head. "Meaning?"

Touji leant back again, crossing his arms. "Come one, you can almost hear the hormones hopping between them."

His friend turned a delightful shade of red. "Ah. Oookay."

"Don't you think?"

"I don't know. _I_ have other things to do than speculating if my best friends are gay or not."

"Yeah, but only because you don't _need_ to speculate." They grinned at each other. "I bet a Snickers that they're snogging."

Kensuke quirked an eyebrow. "I bet a Snickers they're not."

"Deal." They shook hands. "Know what? I'm bored. Let's spy on them." "'Kay."

If only everything was so simple in life.

Kaworu and Shinji, however, had no idea of the Snickers' fate that they were about to decide. They had taken Scraps out for a walk in the park and were just leaving. Kensuke and Touji were lucky - they just barely managed to catch up with their targets, staying at a safe distance, of course.

Shinji inhaled the cool air deeply. It was not cold enough to sting in your lungs, as it always did in winter, but it was just right to make your face all chilly and soothe your throat.

"It's good to have Scraps back," he said, hooking the leash in a belt loop of his pants. The puppy stayed with them now even without it, so they chose a way through different smaller streets to let him roam a little and not risk him by going where a lot of cars were.

Kaworu laughed. "You sound like he's been away for a year," he replied. "But actually you shouldn't have missed him at all. He's been staying at _your_ home, after all."

Shinji smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, sure. But..." He shrugged. "It was only the second time we met that he wasn't around, you see."

It had never occured to Kaworu, but when he looked back at the past weeks, he saw that it was true. Their first meeting had been in the night of the raid, and on the second one, they had found Scraps. He had really been there all the time. "Well, mom and dad were having some time off," he jested and enjoyed seeing a trace of red dust Shinji's cheek.

It took them longer than usual to reach the park because they had taken a longer way than usual, but it didn't really matter anyway. Kaworu had long by finished his homework, neither of them had parents waiting for them at home, and they had more than enough free time at their hands.

The park was almost completely deserted, like all life was whisked away by the chilly wind. It was located in the last outskirts of the city and there was a new one more towards the centre, so most people rather went there. Here only the children and senior citizens of the neighbourhood ever came, and today the first would have been kept in by mommy and the latter would have preferred drinking a hot tea and reading inside. There was an old couple strolling down the way at the other side of the lawn, but that was it.

They sauntered aimlessly through the park, most of the time just following Scraps whenever he picked up the scent of something interesting and contenting themselves with being quiet and happy. It was nice.

Finally, they stumbled upon the clearing where they had met for the second time - where they had found Scraps. For a moment, they just stood in amazement. The leaves had painted the ground with multiple layers of deep colour, swirling here and there in the wind like mini-tornados. The old statue stood out sharply in its greyish white against the ground and the deep blue sky. It felt like entering an enchanted forest, somewhere you usually don't get the permission to go.

Shinji sat down on the socket of the statue, letting his feet dangle lazily. Kaworu joined him and rested his hand upon the brunet's. He wasn't sure if Shinji blushed, his cheeks were slightly from the wind already, but he felt a pleasant warmth rise inside himself.

He wondered how he had always failed to notice all the little things about Shinji that now so openly attracted his adoration. The way his cheeks ceased into the hollow near his eyes to gently curve upwards into his forehead. How he had the tendency to tilt his head ever so slightly when he spoke. His habit of always being in motion somehow, even if it was just tapping his fingers against something.

"We met here for the second time," Shinji commented quietly, unnecessarily so. He was pretty sure Kaworu remembered it just as well. The clear summer day was bright and sharp in his memory, a picture of the most delicate coloured glass, held in front of the sun, projecting multicoloured freckles onto the onlooker's face.

"M-hm." Kaworu nodded. "You were looking pretty miserable."

"I guess so." Shinji laughed lightly. "I had just had a rather nasty argument with Asuka. Because of you, you know." He tilted his head - there it was again - and gave Kaworu a shy side glance.

"Me?"

"Uhum. She had found out that I had lied to her. About the raid and stuff."

"I see."

"It was her gun I had with me. I still don't really know why she gave it to me - I was more likely to break it than to protect myself with it." He laughed.

Scraps came scuttled over to them, nudging Kaworu's foot with his snout. "Alright, alright," the teen laughed, bending down to pat the puppy. "I know this must be boring for you." He looked up at Shinji. "Well, another surprise for you - look what he can do now." He held out his hand out to Scraps. "Paw, Scraps. Gimme a paw." After sniffing at the offered fingers and making sure they were not going to eat him, the puppy extended his paw and laid it into Kaworu's hand.

"Well done," Kaworu lauded cheerily and rewarded him with a dog-biscuit. Scraps went off to eat or bury it somewhere.

Shinji smiled. "That's cool," he agreed. "Must have taken long to teach him!"

"Not so much," Kaworu replied, shaking his head slightly. "The speed which he learns at is directly proportional to the amount of biscuits he's being stuffed with while being taught." Shinji laughed and Kaworu felt very content with himself.

"He's really grown a lot, hasn't he," Shinji remarked, idly watching the puppy shuffle through the leaves.

"True," Kaworu agreed. "Our baby's growing up. You'll see, soon he'll be coming home with his friends all sozzled and drag new babes to his basket every weekend. Oh joy."

Shinji noticed with some kind of excited satisfaction that Kaworu had absent-mindedly begun to stroke his hand with his thumb. He wasn't sure if he even noticed it, but it made him inexplicably happy.

"Kaworu?"

"Hm?"

"Um..." Shinji swallowed, thinking. "May I ask you something?"

Kaworu frowned slightly. Shinji was always timid, but he seemed way more nervous than usual. This was weird. "Sure."

"Where are your parents, Kaworu?"

He stared at him, finding blue eyes looking back in fear of having gone too far. His expression softened immediately. Of course Shinji must be starting to wonder where they were. It was obvious that he was not living in the mansion all alone - although he felt like it often enough - and Shinji hadn't seen his parents in all the time that they had known each other, and that was at least two months now, maybe three. It was only natural that he had started to wonder about it.

"Shinji..." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, taking it off Shinji's who noticed the sudden chill on his fingers with disappointment. "They're just not home, okay? I - believe me, I never lied to you or anything, they're _really_ on some business trip. Or having fun or whatever. I don't know. Their jobs always keep them occupied, and when they're done they often take a week off or something, so it's not like they didn't choose this voluntarily." He sighed again, closing his eyes. Secretly, Shinji thought he had never looked as vulnerable as he did now. Not _weak_, but tired. "Since I met you, I've only phoned with them twice. They know I can look after myself, so they won't come home more often because of me. So don't be surprised that you didn't see them."

Shinji leant forward and took Kaworu's hand in his own. It felt weird, this change of role, with him being more assertive than Kaworu for once. It felt... surprisingly good. His vis-à-vis looked back in a kind of mild surprise. "I'm sorry, Kaworu. I didn't mean to be nosy or something."

Kaworu waved a hand. "No, it's - it's alright. You didn't know. It's not your fault." Shinji smiled and he smiled back. With a sudden start, Shinji realized he was still clutching at Kaworu's hand. He hastily let go, feeling himself blush again. How embarrassing.

"Yuichi was so happy about the clothes," he mused, trying to fill the silence with words. He had never been good at small-talk. "It really helped him get over his depression. He's always like that during this time of the year. And no one but himself knows why." He sighed. Kaworu stayed silent. "The weather's really nice, isn't it? I think -"

"Shinji?"

"Hm?" He turned to look at Kaworu.

"Be quiet."

_How weird_, Shinji thought dizzily. _I always thought a kiss would be warm._ But Kaworu's lips felt cool on his own. It had to be the cold wind that chilled down everything.

In retrospective, he thought that probably some part of his mind had expected all along that it would come to this. The part that hadn't, though, was the one holding most of his consciousness. Confusion and joy and heat rippled through his body and he was glad that Kaworu's hands were on his shoulders - he felt dizzy and wasn't sure if he wouldn't have just tipped over without them.

Finally, when he figured he wouldn't do long without any air supply, he pulled back hesitantly, just so much that he could breathe again, their faces still close. Kaworu's face was very red, he noticed. He could feel his skin glow with heat. He felt strangely giddy. Must be the lack of air.

"Man," Kensuke silently cursed. "Now I owe you a Snickers!"

"Well, I told you, didn't I," Touji whispered back, already making his way back through the bushes.

"Where are you going?" Kensuke hissed. "We're just getting to the best part!"

"It's between the two of them," Touji mumbled, bushwhacking out of the thicket. Grumbling, Kensuke followed, trying not to make too much noise. He didn't really want to inform the two others that they had been spied on.

Shinji and Kaworu, however, were free of any suspicions. They were way too occupied with each other. Still staring at one another, an awkward silence had set in.

Kaworu could feel puffs of hot air brush down his neck whenever Shinji exhaled. A shudder went through his body. _Damn hormones_, he thought.

Suddenly, Scraps jumped up at Shinji's leg with a bark - and flustered him half to death. With a startled outcry, the brunet jerked back, lost his balance and fell backwards off the statue's socket.

"Shinji!" Kaworu jumped up, hurrying over to help Shinji up. Upon seeing him sprawled out on the ground, leaves everywhere in his clothes and his hair, one leg still up against the stone socket, he couldn't help but laugh, though. This had something rather comical about it. Shinji, however, made a face and pulled at his wrist until Kaworu, too, was down in the foliage. Served him right for laughing!

But, somehow, he couldn't help but find it funny himself, and suddenly they were both laughing, just sitting there and letting giddy mirth overcome them like a tidal wave. They laughed until they were breathless, supporting themselves on each other's shoulder until Shinji suddenly let himself fall back. The sky was blue and clear and deep above him and he thought that if he had to choose a moment to die, it would probably have been now. He wouldn't have minded dying when the world was perfect.

The world, however, was obviously determined to prove him wrong - it was only then perfect when Kaworu bent over him for another kiss.

----------

**Awww. There might be a plot going on in there somewhere but, honestly, this fic really is just an excuse to write lots and lots of fluffy Kaworu/Shinji. Shame on me. I hope the kiss made you happy anyway. **

**What frustrates me lately is the huge OOC. I mean, we never get to see a lot of Kaworu so maybe he could be like this, yeah - but Shinji? I feel really bad because my Shinji and the NGE Shinji have little more in common than their looks, name and boyfriend. Argh. But I can't just change his character around now because that'd be even worse. Double argh. I hope you enjoy the story nonetheless.**

**By the way, I feel bad for not having Kensuke and Touji play better roles. They're so fantastic characters and I only let them spy on their best friends. Wonderful. -le sigh- **

**I finished Harry Potter 7 yesterday and while it's a great book, I can't stand the epilogue (come on, any fanfiction author could have done the same!) and there's one death I'll never forgive JKR. Both of them or none, Jo, but not one. Especially not without the other one close. They weren't even fighting side by side before it happened! Sorry, but... No. Just no. Those who've read the book know who I'm talking about, I suppose.**

**Anyway, as far as it is with Scraps of Gold now, 18 chapters are planned plus epilogue and my lovely little bonus chapter. Yesterday is was just 17 chapters but because I tend to drift off so badly, it's one more now. Oh joy!**

**Chapter 9 to 11 is finished already and 12 just lacks a few hundred more words. Weeeh! Look forward to next Monday!**


	9. Free Fall

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Free Fall**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 9/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. Here we go again...!**

**Word Count: 3,889**

**Dedication to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Seven reviews! Wow, that's so amazing. Thank you all. **

After that meaningful afternoon in autumn, life was blissful and happy for both Shinji and Kaworu. That state lasted for three full days.

It seemed that with the wonderful weather the labouring of the very latest summer days had set in to give birth to a rather mixed fall. Sometimes it would rain for a whole day, sometimes the sky seemed to sing with their hearts. It was utterly unpredictable.

It was a late Friday afternoon, and Shinji was on his way to Kaworu's. The weather wasn't really _bad_ - but it was precarious. The ground was flecked with puddles, the remnants of the former day when it just hadn't stopped raining. Shinji hadn't seen Kaworu, then. It had been pouring outside until in some rooms of the factory, the ones that were even more run-down than the others, small ponds of water began to form. It wasn't that he hadn't _wanted_ to see him... But he had no rain coat and the others had persuaded him that he shouldn't risk his health by running around in the icy rain. He could see Kaworu just as well any other day, besides, wouldn't he feel bad, too, if Shinji caught pneumonia? With a resigned sigh, he had agreed and gone off to play cards with Yuichi.

The sky was grey, the clouds threateningly dark above him. The air was heavy with rain and Shinji hoped it wouldn't rain when he'd go back.

Kaworu was pleasantly surprised when Shinji gave him a quick peck on the cheek before flitting inside. The last three days, okay, not yesterday because he hadn't seen him then, there had been no more exaggerated displays of affection. Oh, sure, a quick hug here and there and some hand-holding, but nothing as intense. The mere knowledge that, if they just wanted, anytime and anywhere it could happen again satisfied them both deeply. And, if Shinji was honest with himself, it also scared him a little. Hugging Yuichi or quickly embracing Kaworu out of thankfulness was one thing. But... kisses were dangerous. They were pleasant and nice and could lead you all too easily to other things. And even if he trusted Kaworu, his instincts of not getting too close to people were still there and not as easily silenced as he wished. Kaworu, however, seemed not to care, and Shinji was thankful.

"Sorry for not coming over yesterday ," Shinji apologized, taking off his jacket while Kaworu absent-mindedly touched his cheek where Shinji's lips had touched it. The jacket had been among the stack of clothes he had got from Kaworu. It was warm. "But it was raining so much..."

Kaworu took the jacket from him and hung it on the cloak hook. "No problem, Shinji," he assured him and smiled. "I wouldn't want you to get sick." He was used to him visiting at irregular intervals anyway. Sometimes he would be there almost everyday, sometimes he wouldn't come for two or three days. Shinji still had a life beside him, of course, Kaworu knew he couldn't expect him to just sit around here all the time - though he had to admit that he'd have liked it.

"The weather's really annoying," Shinji commented, staring out of the window.

"Hm." Kaworu made a sound of agreement and stood behind him to rest his chin on Shinji's shoulder. Outside, small droplets of rain began to drip from the skies like glass pearls and evoked circles to appear in the pools of water on the ground, making crackling noises on the dry leaves.

Shinji felt not embarrassed, but unsure about the almost-intimacy of their position. He was sure that if he only leant back a little, he would feel the whole length of Kaworu's body against his own. Still, he reached back to gingerly take his hand. That he was used to, it wasn't as... precarious.

Kaworu smiled. As he had said months ago in the kitchen, Shinji was sweet. Not cute like a girl or anything, just... sweet. Being himself. "Your hands are cold," he remarked quietly, closing his fingers around Shinji's other hand and rubbing both slightly. They really were icy.

Shinji laughed. "In case you forgot, I just ran around out there for half an hour," he said. "Of course they're cold."

"Have you eaten yet?" Kaworu suddenly asked and Shinji tilted his head slightly.

"Why're you asking?"

"Because I haven't and I'm hungry," he mumbled and nudged Shinji's head slightly with his own.

"Okay, I think I get your drift," the brunet laughed. On his visits, he had cooked once or twice for them. He had learned cooking from his mom. Because of her work, she had often not been at home and she had told him with a wink that if that happened, he'd have to look after his dad. He had always looked after his dad. "Is pizza okay?"

"Mhm." Kaworu nodded. "Thanks," he purred and planted a quick kiss on the side of Shinji's neck before detaching himself from him and sauntering down the hall, heading for the corridor that led to the kitchen.

Shinji's hand shot up to cover the spot where Kaworu's mouth had made contact with his skin. His heart pounded heavily and he felt himself blush. So brief a touch, yet so extremely it made his body react. ... It had been nice, though. He wondered how Kaworu could seem so casual after doing that.

Not knowing where to look at, he followed him.

The other boy was bustling about in the kitchen already, pulling open drawers, setting ingredients on the table and being just overall busy. Shinji smiled absent-mindedly. It was a change to see calm, collected Kaworu in a flurry of activity. Maybe he wasn't as unaffected by that small kiss as Shinji had first thought he was. Knowing that he unsettled Kaworu just as much as Kaworu unsettled him was deeply satisfying.

He stepped into the kitchen and began working, Kaworu asking every now and then what he should do. They spent most of the time in pleasant silence, merely the sounds of their occupations filling the room. Finally, after almost an hour, the oven was humming lowly and they sat down at the table, hands and faces bleached with flour.

Shinji looked at his white fingers, lost in thought. Spending a lot of his time with Kaworu had become an integral part of his life and he wasn't sure if he could imagine it any other way anymore - not to mention that he didn't want to. It surely sounded corny, maybe it really was, but he couldn't help but think that Kaworu had given his life a turn for the better. ... It _really_ sounded corny.

"What're you thinking about?" Kaworu's voice made him look up.

"Um... you?"

Kaworu grinned and crossed his arms, then rested his chin on them. "A little more specifically?"

"That you're way too nosy." Shinji faked a pout as Kaworu laughed. "By the way," he said, looking around, "where's Scraps? I haven't seen him around." He frowned.

"He's sleeping upstairs," Kaworu replied, bending over to peer into the oven. "I already was out with him shortly before you came because I thought the weather might not be nice in the afternoon." He looked out of the window. The dark slowly crept up the lawn and pressed against the glass panels from outside - it was already 6 o'clock. "Seems I've been right. Anyway, he was pretty tired afterwards - he's been being hyper again on the walk - and I thought I'd just let him sleep. We can look after him when we're done eating, okay?"

Shinji nodded. It was not a rare occurence that Scraps was tired after walks - despite having grown considerably, he was still a puppy. "Talking about eating," he remarked, crouching in front of the oven, "I think it's still going to take a while. We could do something else until it's ready."

Kaworu tilted his head ponderously. "Any ideas?"

"Would you mind playing the violin?" Kaworu's smile told him he didn't.

A minute later, they were in the small room they had first met in and Manon was freed from her case. After playing a few random pieces that he knew by heart, Kaworu skimmed through a bunch of sheets, kneeling in front of the small cupboard he had pulled them out of. "I had it somewhere here," he muttered, looking at page after page. "Ah!" With a triumphant expression, he pulled a few sheets out of the stack. "It's a rumba, actually - but the singer's part is really nice on violin. Of course it sounds way better with more instruments, drums and background singers and stuff, but... I like it." He gave Shinji an apologetic smile before setting the violin on his shoulder and tuning it briefly. He was glad that it didn't get out of tune quickly, so he didn't have to tune it a lot. His first violin, a lent one, had sounded out of tune as soon as he was home from his violin lessons - not great when you're just starting out and have no idea how to make it sound right unguided by your teacher.

It was really a beautiful piece - just like everything Kaworu played, Shinji thought. It sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. He was sure he had heard in some store once.

"What do you think?" Kaworu asked after he had finished and was wiping the strings with a soft cloth. The resin had left white marks on them.

Shinji smiled. "It's wonderful," he said whole-heartedly. He vaguely gestured towards the stack of sheets. "May I...?"

"Sure." Kaworu nodded encouragingly. "Pick something."

The brunet knelt down and began flipping through the pages with an absent-minded expression. His fingertips still remembered the feeling of searching through a bunch of music sheets, of holding ancient, dignified books full of etudes, minuets, allegrettos... It was curious, how all old books and music sheets seemed to have the same dusty, sweet scent. His fingers glided over the paper's smooth surface, pausing briefly at the edges to feel where it was worn and softened from long times of frequent use. Finally, his gaze came to rest on a particularly long piece, the pages held together with an orange paper clip.

"I've played this, too," he said softly, retracing the curvy capital C with his index finger lovingly.

Kaworu had been watching him with fascination. Shinji's way of looking through the sheets had a fondness to it that could only be described with love. Now, he stared at him with surprise. "You play the violin?" he asked wide-eyed.

A shy smile played across Shinji's lips and he shook his head ever so slightly, eyes still fixed on the notes. "Cello," he mumbled, eyeing each page with affectionate recognition. "I played the cello."

"Played?"

Another smile, resentful now. "Well, I don't have a cello now, do I?"

"I see." Kaworu nodded contemplatively. He sniffed. It smelt pleasantly warm of pizza. "I think we can eat now," he remarked and stood. "You coming?" He held his hand out to Shinji.

"Sure," the brunet let himself be helped up. His hand was still in Kaworu's when they left the room, Shinji not without a last look back at the notes.

The pizza tasted just as good as it smelt and Shinji set a slice aside to take it home for Yuichi later. He'd also have brought Asuka, Kensuke and Touji some, but there was hardly enough pizza for all of them.

"You have sauce there," Kaworu muttered and took his hand. He gently licked the stain off his skin and, allowing the feeling to take over, trailed a few kisses down to his wrist.

Shinji gave a start, feeling the blood rush into his face. He violently jerked his hand back and stood, the fingers of his other hand closing around his left wrist instinctively. Searching for something to say but finding nothing, he spluttered "I - I'm going to look after Scraps", taking a step back. A split second later he was gone and Kaworu felt like banging his head into the wall.

He ran a hand down his face. Damn, what had that been for? Had he really had to ruin everything? Couldn't he just have given him a napkin or something? But, no, of course... He wondered where the jaundice came from that gay men were particularly effeminate when he had just let his balls do the thinking.

Kaworu let his head sink onto the table. Great, now he had flustered Shinji half to death and probably would never be able to look into his eyes again. How embarrassing. What hurt, too, was the realization that he was probably the only one with less innocent thoughts in this relationship.

He felt like giving a small, bitter laugh, but his throat felt exceptionally dry. _Relationship_... Sounded like they were a couple already or something. Okay, so maybe they were, but it was still a thing between two people, not him and his hormones.

Kaworu groaned. This was all developing quite diversely of what he had wanted. Three days after their first kiss and they were having their first crisis already. _If you call that a crisis, you've never really had one,_ an inner voice commented and he felt stupid for listening to bossy little voices in his head.

He had to apologize to Shinji, it -

"KAWORU!"

His head jerked up as Shinji's panicked voice abruptly tore Kaworu out of his thoughts. He sprinted out of the kitchen, down the corridor. Whatever had happened to make Shinji scream like that, it was apparently enough to make him forget momentarily about what had taken place some minutes ago between them.

He climbed the stairs two steps at a time. Shinji wouldn't startle him like that without a reason. Something had to be seriously wrong.

Kaworu felt like someone had poured icy water into his guts. Housebreakers. If a bunch of street kids without noteworthy equipment was able to get inside (that only Shinji had turned up was merely because he had manipulated the plan), professionals surely were too.

He let out a deep sigh of relief, however, when the brunet waited for him at the door to his room. He grabbed him by the shoulders, feeling slightly out of breathe. "Shinji, what's the matter? Why the hell are you screaming like that?"

Shinji pulled back, retreating into Kaworu's room. "It's Scraps," he said, his voice ringing with shiftlessness. "Look at him, he's all... all..." He broke off and instead pulled him over to where Scraps lay on a cushion.

"Damn," was all Kaworu managed to get out. This didn't look good. At all.

Scraps had coughed up blood, he wheezed and his belly looked swollen and turgid. Kaworu was surely no expert for dog diseases, but even he could tell that this was serious. "Shinji," he addressed the brunet, "you know where the phone is, right? In the living-room?" A brief nod was the only answer he got. "Can you get it? I'll look for the vet's number in the meanwhile."

Shinji hurried out of the room, running almost. The phone, the phone... In the living-room, Kaworu had said... The black phone stood out sharply from its surroundings and he grabbed it before returning upstairs. When he re-entered, Kaworu was just searching through his desk, pulling the drawers open.

"It _has_ to be somewhere here," he mumbled, uneasily flipping page after page after page, looking for that small piece of coloured paper... There it was. In a single smooth move, he pulled it out, turned away and pushed the drawer shut with a foot.

"Here," Shinji said, handing him the phone, and watched as Kaworu dialled. He felt useless, standing around like that, unable to do anything.

"Hello," Kaworu said, answering the muffled voice on the other end of the line. "It's Nagisa Kaworu. I'm sorry to call at this time, but it's urgent. Can I please speak to your husband? ... Yes, thank you." He gave Shinji a quick glance before starting to pace up and down the room. Shinji had never seen him so upset. "It's me, Nagisa Kaworu. We found a puppy three months ago and... Yes, that was us. ... U-hum, something's wrong with him. ... Um..." He looked at Scraps, his brows furrowed. "He's coughed up blood and his belly is all swollen. He doesn't look too good." A pause and Shinji saw him bite his lip. "Yes... Yes, of course. We're coming." He hung up and put the phone onto his desk.

"He can't come and look at Scraps because his car is being fixed, but he probably needs to operate, anyway." At his last words, he looked about as miserable as Shinji felt. "We're going to have to bring him to the surgery. You stay here with him and I look for something to carry him in." With that, he was out of the door.

Kaworu mentally cursed. Now he knew what they had forgotten when getting Scraps' stuff - a transport box or something. A basket would have to do tonight.

Fortunately, he didn't have to search long because there was one in the kitchen. He gathered some towels and a blanket to wrap Scraps into and to put over the basket and returned to his room where Shinji was kneeling next to the puppy and gently scratched its ear, almost inaudibly whispering soothing words.

Kaworu felt like an impassive onlooker, watching through a thick wall of glass, as they carefully wrapped the puppy up in the towels and laid it into the basket. Later, he only dimly remembered forcing Shinji to take a rain coat of his, like a distorted dream you have while lying in a fever, where afterwards you don't know whether the person sitting next to your bed and talking to you had been dream or reality. He thought to have the vague recollection of coarsely grabbing Shinji's arm and practically throwing the coat into his face because that damn martyr was way too busy worrying over Scraps than to think of his own health. This had been the first time that he had been rough with Shinji and he felt guilty to the bone afterwards - he hadn't meant to hurt him, he would never hurt Shinji on purpose, but he had been on edge already because of still feeling bad for letting himself go like that earlier and because of his own concerns about Scraps. It was no excuse, but it was an explanation.

The night welcomed them with darkness that seemed thick like ink and veiled the world effectively from their eyes. What Shinji remembered even years afterwards was the sounds. When you don't see much, your other senses are heightened considerably - and this night was full of noise, full of white, small, erratic sounds. Water falling down upon them from the skies, drumming dully onto their hoods, making the dim sound echo in their heads. Water dripping from the leaves that hadn't yet fallen. Water making the golden foliage on the ground rustle like a thousand ghostly fingers were run through them and turning them into brownish mud, making them even with the ground. Water swirling down the drains with deep, gurgling sounds that made Shinji involuntarily shudder.

It wasn't what you'd call a pleasant trip. Shinji had trouble keeping the rain out of the puppy's basket, the blanket they had put over it was soon all wet and he feared it might make the puppy even more ill. The realization made him speed up his steps considerably and when Kaworu stealthily glanced over at him, his brows were furrowed deeply and he was chewing on his bottom lip.

The grey-haired boy was sure the streets were hexed somehow, surely it had never taken him so long to get into the city's centre... The ground was also getting muddier by the second and more than once they slipped.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the small house of the surgery was peeled out of the dark. The windows upstairs were lit. Kaworu was just about to ring the bell when the door was being opened.

"There you are," the vet sighed, switching on the lights. "Come in." He closed the door after ushering them inside. "Well," he said, "let's have a look at him."

Kaworu watched Shinji gently unwrap the puppy. He was worried to see the doctor examine the puppy with a look that held more concern than hope. If doctors worry, that's never good.

"What's it?" Shinji asked quietly, not daring to speak any louder.

The vet went over to the cupboard and pulled a syringe from a drawer. "As I thought, he has caught that virus I told you about. I had given him in inoculation against it when you brought him here, but it can only keep the virus out of the body - he must have been infected already before you found him, so the inoculation couldn't help him against it. The nasty thing about this virus is that you can't notice it before it starts working and that takes time. Well, his time was used up and now it's started." Kaworu felt his stomach freeze over inside, and Shinji looked as miserable as he had ever seen him.

"Meaning?" he asked, surprised at finding his voice trembling slightly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.

The vet looked him firmly in the eyes. "That means that I'm going to give him a syringe now against the pain and then I'll call my apprentice and we'll operate on the pup." With that, he bent over Scraps and gave him the injection with deft, knowing fingers.

As he phoned, Shinji and Kaworu both stared at the ceiling, the cupboards, the floor... Just not at each other or Scraps.

Shinji felt his feet throb dully in his awfully cold shoes. They were soaked thoroughly and he was sure that when he moved, he left puddles with every single step. He fumbled with his right sleeve's hem.

"See you in a bit," the vet said finally and hung up. "Okay," he said, turning back to the boys. "You have already noticed that his belly is all swollen, yes? You see, the virus causes ulcers to form in his stomach, and that's not good of course. They appear in a matter of a few hours, so there's nothing to tell you beforehand that something's wrong. We'll have to get those ulcers out of there now. That's our job." He briefly scratched the puppy's ear. "How have you named him?"

"Scraps," Shinji muttered. He thought to see a brief smile appear on the man's face.

"Alright." He put a hand on both their shoulders. "You can do nothing for him now. It won't help if you're sitting around here. Go home. We'll take care of Scraps. You take care of each other, you look like you need it." When his only answer was silence, he sighed, turned and vanished briefly to return with an umbrella. "Here. Go home," he said again.

Without protest, but not without thanking him quietly, they left.

----------

**It made me very, very happy to see that you reviewed so much the last chapter - it's always nice to know that people appreciate what you do. (Plus, the hits are decreasing with each chapter, so I thought maybe I'm getting worse instead of better or something OO") **

**This chapter... I see it as a turning point for the story, it introduces the more serious part of it. Of course there's still going to be lots and lots of fluff (it's like an instinct, I can't do without writing fluff XD) but just because they're kind of dating now doesn't mean that all problems are solved. The real fun just starts! Yay!**

**I've been writing like a maniac during July - chapters 7 to 15 (but 15's not quite complete yet), that's about 36.000 words or something O.O" But I'm definitely getting more and more comfortable with writing in English (I begin fearing for my German XD) and I think with this chapter, my writing style kind of changed, too. From here on out, writing feels slightly... different. I don't know. Just works better. **

**In case anyone's been wondering, the piece Kaworu played is **_**Sway**_** by the Pussycat Dolls. It's a gorgeous song. They actually have a few very good songs, including **_**Right no**_**w and **_**Flirt**_**. (Especially **_**Flirt**_**!) And who guesses first what piece Shinji is looking at gets a cookie **

**Anyway, next week's update will be a little later than usual (the last three times I always uploaded in the morning) because school is starting again. **

**Love y'all!**


	10. Rain Rhythms

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Rain Rhythms**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 10/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: K **

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. **

**Word Count: 3,843**

**Dedication to Kerii-chan, because you're so lovely and you wrote the 50th review. Thank you.**

**To all readers: if you're lucky enough to own the first soundtrack of Tsubasa -RESERVoirE CHRoNICLE-, please listen to the track number 16, **_**Morning Moon**_**, while reading.**

The way back was even worse than before. Formerly they had at least had the knowledge that they were actively helping Scraps, that they were doing something to make him alright again. Now they could do nothing but wait.

Kaworu looked over at Shinji. He looked so miserable that one wondered when he would finally crumble into a small pile of hopelessness. Kaworu wondered if he looked the same.

They had used the umbrella at first, but upon finding that it didn't shield them particularly well from the rain and that the wind almost whisked it away repeatedly, they had shut it again.

Once, Kaworu tried to take Shinji's hand to comfort him a little, but the brunet's fingers had slipped from his as soon as he had touched them, apparently without their owner even noticing. If it was because of the rain and the cold or because Shinji refused bodily contact, he wasn't sure. He only knew what option he personally liked better.

Shinji's whole body felt numb with cold when they finally reached Kaworu's house. Rain was dripping off the many elaborate embellishments on the gate. He wondered if he would ever feel his feet again.

Kaworu nodded towards the house. "Come," he said, pushing the gate open.

Shinji hesitated. He should really get home, Asuka and the others were waiting... They would worry... Upon seeing him stand around indecisively, Kaworu grabbed his shoulders. "Shinji, come in. I won't let you go home like that. They know you're with me, they won't worry."

That settled it and the brunet followed him inside, looking forward to the prospect of being warm and dry again.

When Kaworu unlocked and opened the door and light poured over them, Shinji felt like his world was briefly being flooded with gold. The hall was warm and inviting and the faint scent of pizza still lingered in the air, smelling like the most delicious thing on earth now.

Then, the moment was gone and he was standing in the doorway with Kaworu again, bedraggled and soaked and full of worries. They took off their coats and shoes and socks in the hall and without a word, he followed Kaworu upstairs into his room. If they had to wait, it would be here.

"I think I need a shower," Kaworu muttered, looking at Shinji. "You too, I suppose." He pulled a shirt and some boxers out of his wardrobe and handed them to the brunet who reluctantly took them. "You'll get a cold if you run around like that," he commented and ushered him out of the room, sending him on his way to the bathroom, looking after him with a slight frown - Shinji hadn't said a word. He himself went down the corridor to use the one upstairs.

The water was so hot that it almost hurt on his cold skin, but he welcomed the slight pain. It distracted him from thinking of too much misery. That'd get to him again soon enough anyway.

He leant against the tiled wall. Shinji had been so distant all the time since Kaworu had let himself go. Was it because of him? Or was that merely his way to act like when he was in worries? He felt bad for not knowing at least that much about him.

When he was done, he didn't go back to his room at once. He made a detour to the kitchen first to make some tea. He really needed some. Besides, it would help him to stay awake.

The delicate sound of bare feet in the hall told him that Shinji had finished showering, too, and was now probably on his way up to his room again. He began retracing the tablecloth's pattern with his index finger, lost in thought. He wondered how Scraps was doing. The operation would probably have begun by now. Maybe he wasn't even alive anymore. The thought make him sick and he quickly busied himself by taking the boiling water from the hearth.

Finally, he went upstairs again, a cup with steaming hot tea in each hand. When he entered his room, Shinji was sitting on the window sill. It had always been his favourite thing in Kaworu's room. The window arched gracefully up to the ceiling next to Kaworu's bed and its sill was easily broad enough for two people to sit on. He had wrapped his arms around his knees and was staring outside where it was still raining cats and dogs. As Kaworu entered, he raised his head and sniffed lightly. The heavy aroma of the tea soothed his nerves a little.

"Here." Kaworu handed him a cup and sat down next to him, one foot still on the ground, but his face turned towards the window.

"Thanks," Shinji mumbled and watched how the hot steam swirled up over the cup like a sentient being, curling and frilling in slow, white ribbons. He cautiously sipped at the tea and, upon finding it a little too hot for his liking yet, set it aside carefully.

They sat in silence for a long time, watching the world outside turn into a display of cold, glittering water, darkness and grey, swirling clouds. It was weird how something so breath-taking could feel so unpleasant and cause so much discomfort. Maybe the most breath-taking things were not meant for humans to be had.

Kaworu stealthily glanced over at Shinji. The blue t-shirt revealed his upper arms and he felt like something cold had dropped heavily into his stomach. Dark bruises were starting to show on his left arm, standing out against Shinji's light skin. Had he caused those? Looking back, he really _had_ held Shinji not all that tenderly when he had persuaded him to take the rain coat. He closed his eyes before the evidence of his guilt. Hurting Shinji had never been what he wanted, he had just wanted him to stop his stupid martyrdom and think of himself and his own good for a second before rushing out into the rain without at least a proper jacket on... And yet it was his fault that he had those ugly stains on his skin.

Shinji looked at him as Kaworu breathed out audibly. "What's it?" he asked, but Kaworu didn't answer. Thinking about it was worse enough, he didn't want to say it out loud as well. He shook his head slightly and took a long sip from his cup. It was hot, but warmed his insides and the flavoured steam felt pleasantly soothing. He really had to do some thinking.

His eyes flickered over to Shinji again. Damn, he just wanted to _hold_ him and stop him from looking so bloody _miserable_...

Sensing the movement out of the corner of his eyes, Shinji turned his head to see Kaworu reaching out gingerly for him and he shifted a little. "Don't," he said in a whisper and felt the need to throw himself off somewhere when Kaworu looked distinctively hurt before pulling his hand back and looking out of the window. But... He rested his folded arms on his knees again and buried his chin behind them. When he was really in worries, he could barely ever stand anyone close, let alone touch him. Kaworu's presence was pleasant, though, and he was glad he didn't say anything except a brief, muttered "okay" when being refused like that.

It hurt. After having shared three months of growing affection, their first kiss and two full days of corny bliss, they were here in Kaworu's room, sitting next to each other like strangers. And, if he was honest with himself, Shinji couldn't help but feel that it was his fault.

With resentment and... yes, disappointment, he thought that maybe he just wasn't fit for a real relationship. He was what you'd probably call troubled and shied back from people whenever they came close. That he got along so well with the gang was because he had had three years to get used to them. Maybe three months had just been to short. But going a step back seemed impossible now. Running away was the only option - or going on.

Kaworu rose. "I'm going down for a bit," he explained quietly and left the room in silence and Shinji to his thoughts. When the sound of his steps died away, Shinji let his forehead sink onto his arms with a moan.

He hadn't wanted all this, he didn't want to shy back from the touches he secretly craved so much and most of all he didn't want Kaworu to be hurt or disappointed because of him. If it hadn't made so much noise, he'd probably have banged his head into the wall. Repeatedly. He was so stupid stupid stupid...

The sweet sound of a violin's song floated in the air, curling through the corridors and up the stairs, making something hurt in Shinji's chest. It was a sad song.

He wrapped his arms around himself and flinched. On his left upper arm, faint bluish marks had appeared. Bruises. Shinji gently retraced their outlines with a finger. He had them from Kaworu. That made it less than half as bad. In fact, it wasn't really bad at all. Kaworu had merely wanted him to look after himself and, when he hadn't, done it himself. Okay, so maybe he had been a little rough... But Shinji didn't really care. The bruises were markings. Of Kaworu's concern, of his touch, of his affection. That was enough to make all pain forgotten. And bruises didn't hurt all that much anyway.

He looked at his left hand. Left, again. Weird. The semi-dark painted shadows onto his skin as he touched the place where Kaworu had licked the stain away. He blushed at the mere thought of it. It had felt good. It had made lots of other thoughts pop up in Shinji's head. Rather... dirty thoughts.

Oh, sure, he was a boy, he was inclined to have less innocent thoughts. He was 15, of course he'd have had some experiences with himself yet. But fantasizing about some faceless girls was not the same... He felt guilty for sometimes having similar thoughts about Kaworu. Kaworu was a boy and, well, they were so close... It was way different thinking of some imagined person and someone you knew.

For someone who generally rather avoids bodily contact, getting intimate with another person can be rather awkward business - or frightening. Frightened of the other one, of being hurt, of himself and his own mind that just refused to be controlled.

He sighed, stretching out on the sill. This was all so complicated. Having someone of flesh and blood to be fond of and attracted to was wonderful and he wouldn't have given Kaworu up for a second, but a relationship with your own hand is just so much easier.

Congratulating himself on the realization that Kaworu quite probably had more emotional life than his right hand, he got up. He had a thing or two to sort out.

----------

"Stop it, Asuka," Touji yawned, scratching his ear. "Shinji isn't going to come back anymore tonight. He's with Kaworu." He had actually meant it to reassure her, but somehow, he still felt like he had said something very wrong. "I'm sure he's going to return in one piece, I mean," he added quickly.

Asuka glared at him. "I'm not interested in your opinion, idiot," she said coldly and crossed her arms.

Yuichi gently took hold of her sleeve. "Touji's right, Asuka," he concurred. "You need not worry about Shinji. He's with Kaworu! Kaworu will look after him." He nodded confirmative and smiled up at her. How could he know that he merely rubbed salt into her wounds.

She stood abruptly. "It's time for sassy little boys to go to bed," she announced and ruffled through his hair coarsely, then vanished up the stairs. Yuichi looked after her.

"Is Asuka angry with me?" he asked unhappily, but Touji shook his head.

"Nah," he said, gently pushing the small boy in the direction of the boys' sleeping room. "Girls are like that, sometimes. She's just tired, I'm sure."

Yuichi smiled knowingly. "Well, then it's good that I made her leave and go to bed!"

Touji laughed. "Right."

Some minutes later, Yuichi was tucked up properly and began to snore softly while Touji returned to the hall - though it had formerly been empty, Kensuke was sitting at the foot of the staircase now. Touji flopped down next to him.

"Shinji isn't back yet, is he?" he asked lowly. Kensuke shook his head. "Hm. Looks like things are getting complicated, I guess."

Kensuke nudged him with his elbow. "Things got complicated since they first met. Don't tell me you've forgotten how Asuka made up all those funky stories when Shinji sneaked away to see him." He sighed. "The trouble hasn't just started some days ago."

Touji nodded thoughtfully. "Do you think it'll sort out itself?"

Kensuke shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?" He yawned. "I only know that I'm tired." He stood and, stretching lazily, sauntered out of the hall. Touji sat thinking about this or that for some time before he finally followed Kensuke's example and went to bed.

----------

Kaworu set Manon aside for a moment and stepped over to the window. It was semi-dark in the room and the only dim glow was that which shone inside from where the clouds weren't thick enough to block out all light. It didn't matter. He could play most of his favourite pieces blindly anyway.

He sighed. He had left Shinji in his room to do what he usually did when he was worried - play some music and make everything else vanish around him, along with problems and sorrow. He had thought that Shinji might want some time to himself. Maybe that really was his way of coping with problems. Only when he was down in the music room it occured to him that maybe it had comforted him to have Kaworu with him, sitting next to him... just being there. But then it had already been too late and Manon was in his hands and he had played.

He watched the raindrops run down the window, following the course of some with his finger.

Two arms encircled his waist from behind and he felt a warm body leaning into his.

"Shinji?"

The embrace tightened a little. "I'm sorry," Shinji said quietly, resting his forehead against the back of Kaworu's neck. "I didn't mean to be like that, Kaworu."

Kaworu felt slightly distressed. So Shinji really felt guilty? He wasn't the one who had given his boyfriend a set of bruises. With some will force, he refrained from laying his hands upon Shinji's. If he wanted more physical contact, Kaworu trusted him to make it. Not that there was much more contact left to be made. It felt like the shape of Shinji's body fitted into his own perfectly.

"I could say the same, you know," he remarked softly, relishing the hotness he felt between his shoulder blades whenever the brunet exhaled. His breath was steady and a little quicker than usual. Kaworu could feel his heart beat softly against a spot somewhere below his left shoulder.

"You needn't," was the reply. Shinji didn't want Kaworu to take responsibility. He himself was at fault this time. He may have been more passive than Kaworu, not able to so openly display his affections yet, but he wasn't a small child to take by the hand.

"I didn't want to startle you or anything," he said, disregarding Shinji's words of not having to apologize. "I - I just..."

The embrace tightened again for a moment. "I know," the brunet murmured against his shoulder. "I was just being a slow idiot."

Kaworu frowned. He didn't like how Shinji talked of himself. Few things hurt more than seeing a loved person treat themselves or their lives with disregard. "Don't say that," he said firmly. Then, after a pause, "May I turn around?"

There was no answer, but he felt Shinji nod and loosen his hold, but not let go. Despite his first reluctance to initiate contact, Kaworu led his hands slide up to rest at his elbows.

The kiss was very light and without any fancy tongue-wrestling, but Kaworu felt deeply satisfied. So this was kind of sorted out, too. Upon letting his hands travel further up, however, he felt Shinji stiffen. At once he stopped, remembering.

Guiltily, he looked at the bruises. "These are from me," he stated tonelessly. He thought to see Shinji blush, but he couldn't be sure because it was quite dark. A hand loosened from Kaworu's waist to cover the bruises.

"It's not that bad," Shinji muttered, paying attention to not put pressure onto the marks. The fingers of his other hand played lightly along the hem of Kaworu's shirt. "You were just worrying about me."

Kaworu wanted to say something at first, but then refrained from doing so. He didn't want to belittle Shinji's thoughts.

Before long they were sitting upstairs in his room on the window sill again, being silent, looking outside... waiting. Kaworu glanced at the clock on the wall. It was past midnight. Was the operation over yet? If so, how was the outcome? Was there even any hope for Scraps? He unconsciously bit his lip. The vet had looked seriously concerned and if doctors worry, that's not good.

Shinji was leaning against the other side of the sill, chin resting at the back of his hand. Kaworu wondered what he was thinking. Even though he was happy every time he got the chance to see more of his insides, he still had more questions than he could ask. Most of all, he wondered about his parents - although he didn't have the right to complain, he avoided the topic of his own parents just as much as the brunet did. Shinji, if he spoke of her at all, always talked about his mother like she had died - with loving reverence, determined to keep her memory vividly in his heart. Shinji never talked about his father.

The brunet gave a small sigh. _Here we go again._ Sitting around, waiting, incapable of doing anything. Involuntarily bound to utter helplessness, leaving the fate of a loved one to strangers. Just being able to wait and hope for good news that might never come. He had the strong feeling of a déjà-vu. This was all too familiar.

There were times he felt that he had to throw up, incapable to hold the anxious tension anymore. But after several agonizingly slowly passing hours, he dozed off into an uneasy sleep. He didn't notice when a blanket was carefully draped over him.

----------

He woke from the sound of a voice talking. It was a nice voice... Not really deep with maturity, but having overcome the childlike lightness already. Shinji felt like his mind was... pleasantly void of any real thoughts and he didn't mind the state too much. Oblivion can be a nice thing sometimes.

The voice stopped talking. Quiet footfalls, then silence.

Finding nothing to focus upon, he drifted off into sleep again.

----------

The second time Shinji woke, it was with a violent start. Later, he only vaguely remembered the nightmare responsible for this. It had been about hospitals and white walls and red staining the pristine sheets.

He buried his face in his hands. It had been some time since he had had that dream. He hadn't missed it particularly, but now it was there again, opening up old wounds. And reminding him painfully of new ones.

"Shinji?"

He looked up at the voice addressing him and saw Kaworu standing in the doorway. His hair was even more dishevelled than usual, but he looked calm and collected, a cup of tea in his hand.

"Scraps," Shinji blurted out, "what is with him? Do we - has the vet - ?" He broke off as Kaworu smiled serenely and raised a hand to silence Shinji.

"They called about an hour ago. I didn't want to wake you, so I just went downstairs already." He took a sip from his cup and Shinji wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss or to strangle him, making him wait for the news like that. He could already guess what the answer would be, but he wanted to hear it from Kaworu to make his brain register. "He's alright, Shinji. He'll live."

Shinji felt like he was going to burst into tears with relief and, with a sigh, let himself slump back against the wall. "Thanks heavens," he muttered.

"Come," Kaworu said, nodding towards the corridor. "Breakfast is ready."

Looking back at the night, it felt almost surreal. All the worries and fear and despair... And it would all be alright again. Everything would be alright.

They weren't allowed to visit Scraps today yet, but as long as they had the knowledge that he was alright, it was enough.

Shinji decided to stay at Kaworu's for the day and return to the factory only in the evening. He wasn't sure if he could handle the full impact of his normal life again yet after that night. Walking around, he still felt like dreaming. He enjoyed Kaworu's calm presence. It was a balm for his soul to just have him around.

The weather had changed around again - where just yesterday dark clouds had obscured the sky, the sun shone now all the more beautiful and quickly warmed up and dried the world.

They spent the day doing basically nothing - having breakfast, just sitting next to each other, listening to music, lying on the lawn and watching clouds pass by. It's surprising how great just nothing can be.

In the evening, Kaworu accompanied Shinji to a street corner about half way between his home and Shinji's. Day had begun to fade into night, and it was semi-dark already, the days becoming shorter quite noticeable already. The street lamp they were standing below, however, didn't do much to brighten the dirty pavement up. Its glass was shattered, single shards still sticking out of the frame like the sharp teeth of some animal.

"I'm so glad Scraps is well," Shinji confessed. Not that it was needed, Kaworu already knew of course, but saying it out loud was good. Kaworu nodded. For a moment, they just stood in silence.

Shinji gently slid his arms around Kaworu's neck and pressed his lips softly to his. Enjoying the prickle, he kissed the corners of his mouth, too. Sometimes, being brave isn't too hard.

Kaworu wondered silently, but didn't complain when he felt a tender nip, and obediently opened his mouth. Sometimes, being passive isn't too bad.

The kiss was slow and explorative and gentle and when Shinji dared to push his tongue into Kaworu's mouth and was rewarded with a tightening of the embrace around his body, he was sure that life was good today.

----------

**Phew! So that's it for today! I apologize to everyone who was worrying about Scraps - but he's well and will be skipping through the story again, so fear no more **

**I have the feeling that in this chapter, there's too much of the good old seme/uke cliché going on... Argh! It'll get better, promise! " **

**Btw, I wrote this chapter completely on my birthday Originally, 9 and 10 were supposed to be just one single chapter, but Kaworu and Shinji apparently decided to have some drama to themselves and thus it got even more dramatic - and much longer. Oh joy.**

**School started today and... I'm not happy. We're in another classroom now and it sucks. But, well, can't be helped, I guess. But it's so incredibly hot I think I'm going to die from it. I have no problem with coldness, but I can't cope with heat - like, at all. xX**

**But there's good news too! There's going to be a lolita (as in, that Japanese fashion) meet-up in Düsseldorf and I'm going to be there! Yeah! And in Vienna, there's the 6th lolita meet-up plus an exhibition on the fashion. That's so awesome! But I'm going to fly there and I'm not going to get Xmas presents because all that money is going to be spent on the flight and stuff XD Anyway, it's gonna be great! **

**I have to say that I like the last sentence. It... wraps the chapter up quite nicely. I like finishing chapters with sentences like that, it's a very satisfying thing to do. **

**And, woohoo, everyone cheer please for the great Kerii-chan - she wrote the ****50th**** review! It really makes me ridiculously happy that you seem to like the story so much. Plus, the 10th chapter is kind of an anniversary, isn't it? And with the next one, there's going to start something new. I'm anxious about it and I hope you'll like it as much as I do.**

**With writing, I've just arrived at 18. Seems like SoG will manage to hit 20! Considering that originally there were only 10 chapters planned, at most, this really is something, isn't it?**

**Btw, do you think my A/N's are too long? I always rant and rant and rant, and then there's that huge text all of a sudden! Please tell me if it's annoying.**


	11. A Child's Diamonds

**Title: Scraps of Gold - A Child's Diamonds**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 11/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU, OOC maybe. **

**Word Count: 4,338**

**Dedication to my sewing machine. Lucy, you're a bitch, but I love you.**

_The bottles glittered like diamonds, last remnants of liquids turning the sheen into amber and red sparks like will-o'-the-wisps, drowning in their prison. The heavy scent of alcohol poisoned the air. _

_Her delicate ankle on the sofa's armrest was almost white in the pale moon light, curved in a slight angle. The dress descended over her body, down onto the floor like a snowy waterfall. Between her fragile fingers, one bottle neck still rested, held lightly from falling and spilling its precious content by merely her fingertips. _

"_Mama?" _

_The boy cautiously moved forward, putting all possible care into not stepping onto any bottles. It was the small ones you could down with one gulp, but it were so many... She would be angry with him if he broke anything and stained the carpet. The floor in front of her glittered like a sea of stars that had fallen from the skies. _

_Seconds passed before she blinked slowly and turned her head towards him. __"Was für ein hübscher Junge du doch bist!" _What a pretty boy you are!_ It had been a some time since he had heard her talk in her mother tongue. The syllables rolled smoothly of her tongue. _

"_Mama, you're drunk," the boy said, his eyes dark against his hair. "You mustn't drink." _

_She giggled girlishly and he shuddered involuntarily. The sound, though it was like bells ringing in a light spring breeze, made the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. __"Und fürsorglich auch." _And caring, too._ Her fingertips relaxed around the bottle neck and the flask slipped from her fingers lightly. The liquid spilled onto the floor like blood._

_She sat up, swaying lightly, and the child came to her side to steady her. She ruffled his hair gently before pulling on a strand briefly. He suppressed a small outcry. Tears shot into his eyes. It hurt. "You are just like your papa," she mused, dropping back into the language she had, after many years of hate and despair, come to speak as fluently as her mother tongue. She bent slightly to look into his face, caressing his cheek with her thumb lightly. He noticed that she was on the verge to squinting as she focused on his eyes. Their faces were only inches apart. "Just like your papa," she repeated. _

"_Mama, you have to go sleep," he said in slight desperation, tugging at her sleeve lightly. "I will help you. Come, mama." _

_The corner of her mouth twitched briefly as if in an attempt to smile and she pulled at the lock of hair again. "Just like your papa," she said again and let go of him, falling back into the cushions, pulling an arm up to rest the wrist at her forehead. "Oh, what a man." She moaned. "Already when he entered, I knew that he was special. I even - even snatched the task to attend on him from Linda." She made a sound that seemed to be something between a hiccup and a laugh. _

_The boy watched her with large, sad eyes._

"_Oh, and he was good." She shut her eyes in pleasant remembrance, and giggled. "Christ, was he good." A moment, she just lay still in peccant memory, small shudders rippling through her body. Then, with a sudden movement, she sat up again and gripped his shoulders tightly. He could feel one of her fingernails scrape across his neck, drawing blood. He put together all of his will force to refrain from wincing and squirming out of her grasp. _

_She ran a hand through his hair again. "How was I to know that you'd be the outcome of just a little fun I wanted to have with him," she mumbled, a manic tone slowly tinting her eyes and voice now. "That you'd take all my life away from me, just for that one night, for a little fun?" She giggled helplessly and her grip tightened. "All of my life is gone. And I didn't even want you." Her face grew rigid and while her eyes were still on his face, he felt that she stared through him, into distances he didn't know. _

_Just when he was about to wonder if maybe she had fallen asleep with open eyes, her beautiful face contorted with something that made him want to retreat into a corner and, with a sudden shriek, she violently jerked him towards her, tearing at his hair. "I didn't even want you!" _

"_Nathalie!" Another voice, deep and upset. It rang through the boy's ears like a bell when all the world around him was white and vibrating with fear. He felt the fingers loosen in his dishevelled hair, she was pulled away, but he didn't move. He just laid there, staring up at the ceiling, feeling a weird emptiness echo in his head._

_Then, he jumped up, rushing past the man who held his wife in his arms now while she alternatively broke into fits of giggles and tears, not hearing his name being called after him._

_From that day on, he hadn't called her "mama" anymore. _

_Kaworu had been seven years old at that time. _

----------

Shinji felt like he was floating on his way back to the factory. Absent-mindedly, he ran a finger along his bottom lip. He shuddered in remembrance of the kiss. Heavens, Kaworu really knew how to make sure he was going to have dreams tonight. Blushing at the shamelessness of his thoughts, he quickened his steps up a little. It was time he got home. It was pathetic how he constantly shied back from more than kisses, but had thoughts like this. It was true what he had said last night - he was really just a slow idiot. He couldn't stop wondering why Kaworu was kissing someone like him when he could probably wrap all the world around his little finger.

He felt warmth rise inside his chest, though, when he remembered that obviously Kaworu didn't want all the world, but contented himself with Shinji. Just as long as he was there, it was unimportant why.

When the factory's silhouette appeared in the distance, he couldn't help but wonder how he had come home so quickly. He couldn't remember most of the way here. Had he been so deep in thought...?

Upon stepping cautiously into the hall, he was tackled by a small figure. "Shinji!" it called somewhere about his waist. He ruffled Yuichi's hair, then detached himself from the boy to greet the others.

"Uh, hi."

It wasn't just Kensuke and Touji - Asuka was there, and Shiro and Yuki, too. "Where've you _been_, Shinji?" Shiro asked, staring at him in unbelieving query. "You've been away for one whole day!"

"Um..." Shinji pulled at the hem of his right sleeve. "I stayed the night at Kaworu's." He wasn't sure why, but Kensuke and Touji exchanged a brief, meaningful look. "Scraps has gotten ill and we had to take him to the vet. And when we got back, it was raining so heavily." He shrugged. "I didn't have a raincoat, so I stayed."

Silence fell, until Yuichi tugged at Shinji's hand. "What's wrong with Scraps? He will be alright, yes?"

Shinji nodded and the boy let out a deep sigh of relief. "It was kind of a close-run, though. He had to be operated and we can't take him home yet, but he'll be okay."

"That's good," Yuichi said whole-heartedly and buried his face in Shinji's shirt. Shinji laughed. "Don't you fall asleep on me!" He ruffled his hair. "Go to bed, Yuichi. You look drop-dead tired." Yuichi yawned and pouted, but shuffled out of the room without complains.

Shinji sheepishly looked at the others. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't want to make you worry."

Shiro shrugged. "Well, it's no use crying over spilled milk. It's not like you had much of a choice, right?"

Shinji gave Asuka, Kensuke and Touji a glance, but when none of them objected, he nodded with relief. "Yeah, I think so."

Touji stretched with a yawn. "Man, I'm tired - I'm going to bed. See ya." Waving briefly, Kensuke followed. With a shrug and a "g'night", Shiro and Yuki left, too. Shinji looked around him, wondering how the hall had suddenly become so empty. It was only him and Asuka now.

"I - It's good you're back now," she said quietly and he wasn't sure if he had heard right. He stared at her. "Sleep well." And within a matter of seconds, she was up at the door and had vanished in the dark corridor.

Shinji stood in the hall for quite a while afterwards. What was up with Asuka to be so nice to him? One year ago, he'd have gone completely nuts about this small kindness, but now he merely wondered. Had she been friendly with him earlier, would he have even fallen for Kaworu? Probably not. He'd have met him and fled or maybe stayed and left for good in the morning, but there'd never have been the kind of bond they were sharing now. Feeling guilty, he wondered if maybe staying in love with Asuka would have been better - easier to tell others it would have been in any case. But now he had Kaworu and he wouldn't have traded him for a thousand Asukas, even if she was still important to him.

_Kaworu_... He briefly touched his lips again. When he thought back, he thought he could still find the taste of the tea Kaworu had drunk earlier. Weird, how these little things stay in your mind like they weren't just small, unnecessary details. But maybe that just made it all the sweeter.

He blushed when he remembered how assertive he had been, initiating a kiss like that. He had pushed _his_ tongue into _Kaworu's_ mouth, not the other way round. He had always thought that if maybe, some day, such a thing happened, it would be Kaworu to take the lead. He smiled in the dark when he thought that, really, being brave isn't too hard sometimes. The reward was definitely worth it.

He briefly went out before going to bed to cool his glowing cheeks down. He hadn't even consciously noticed just how much the kiss affected him just even thinking about it.

----------

His prediction had been right, he really dreamt this night. But even though Kaworu played a part in it, it wasn't quite the kind of dream he had imagined to have.

Yuichi was sitting next to a giant bottle of milk, its contents spilled across the ground, like a great pale sea of moonlight. And there, at its edge, lay Scraps... Motionless, in a pool of blood that mixed with the milk, tinting it pink. Out of nowhere, Shiro appeared and walked across the puddle, leaving deep impressions in the liquid, however that was possible.

Then Kaworu was there, licking the bloody milk of Shinji's fingers - how had it got there, anyway? - and pushed him back onto the ground, sitting on his stomach. Shinji closed his eyes as his lids were grazed by soft lips, and light kisses were trailed across his face. When he looked up again, there wasn't Kaworu anymore, but it was Asuka sitting on top of him, naked, blood on her brow, and she laid a hand over his mouth and nose and he couldn't breathe and then everything went black...

Shinji woke with a start, breathing heavily. He was drenched in sweat and he noticed with disgust that his fingers trembled.

Throwing back his covers, he got up and went outside.

----------

The next day was a Sunday, and Shinji slept almost until noon. After having that weird nightmare, he had restlessly roamed outside, unable to get the images out of his head. When he had returned to the factory after almost three hours, he had still been lying awake for quite some time until, finally, dreamless sleep overcame him.

"Shinji." Someone nudged him. "Shinji."

"Ngh..." He pulled a face. "Lemme sleep," he mumbled, pulling up the blanket.

"But, Shinji..." He recognized the high voice. It was Yuichi. "Kaworu's waiting for you."

That woke him up in an instant and he shot upright. The smaller boy jerked back as he suddenly sprang to life. "I'll go get him," he offered and, without waiting for an answer, skipped out of the room enthusiastically. At first, the brunet wanted to shout after him, but then he decided otherwise.

Noticing that he was still wearing the shirt and light pants he had set aside to wear only for sleeping so they wouldn't get dirty as quickly, Shinji hastily took off the pants and shirt, shivering in the cold morning chill, and pulled underwear and a pair of black pants out of the small stack he kept neatly on the sill in front of the window - he didn't want them to lie around on the ground. Slipping into the clothes, he heard soft steps on the corridor already and randomly chose a dark blue shirt with a white, ornamental pattern running down the right sleeve. He had noticed that most of Kaworu's tops had some subtle embellishment or another. Not tacky or girly, just... complementing.

"Hi, Shin..." The voice trailed off as Shinji turned and quickly pulled the shirt over his head. Silence followed. The heavens seemed to have mercy with them, though, and they were freed from their awkward moment by Yuichi coming up behind Kaworu, shouting "BOOH!" and almost making him topple over, startled. He ruffled the boy's hair, casting a nervous look over at Shinji who was fumbling with his shirt again, as always when nervous or embarrassed.

He smiled at him. "It's about Scraps. The vet phoned today - we can visit him."

Instantly, his smile was answered as its counterpart appeared on the brunet's face. "Really? Oh, great! When do we go?"

"Right now, if you'd like to." Kaworu shrugged. "That's why I came by already instead of waiting until you showed up. I thought you'd want to know as soon as possible."

"Can I come, too?" Yuichi asked excitedly, bouncing up and down on the spot. "Can I?"

With a brief look at Shinji, Kaworu shrugged. "I don't see why not." When the brunet didn't object, it was settled and after informing the others - who had gotten used to Kaworu showing up every once in a while and didn't really mind him being around - they left.

Up on the roof, Asuka turned away after having looked after them, noticing with disgust just how close they were walking, their hands touching briefly whenever Yuichi's eyes were occupied with other things.

"They made an exception for us," Kaworu explained to Shinji, running a hand through his hair as it was dishevelled by the wind - secretly, the brunet thought that the half-hearted attempt to tame it somewhat didn't help at all, if anything, it just looked all the more messy. He found he didn't mind, though. He liked the way how Kaworu's hair stuck out behind his ears and was just unruly in general - it was the most delightful thing to bury his fingers inside, as he had discovered the previous evening.

"Usually they don't take patients or allow visits on Sundays - except in emergencies and stuff, of course -, but..." Kaworu shrugged. "The vet called yesterday evening again and said he'd make an exception for us because, well, he likes us and stuff." A lop-sided smile appeared on his face, apparently vaguely embarrassed for getting an extra treatment in return for basically having caused nothing but problems.

"That's nice of him," Shinji agreed with Kaworu's unspoken thoughts.

After the disastrous weather of the last days, Yuichi was happy to run around outside again. Shinji couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance to Scraps as the boy ran about excitedly, pointing out to them everything he deemed to be of interest - which covered a broad range of things varying from empty bottles to a delightfully pink flower he discovered near a hedge. When he was just bounding off again to inspect a new, apparently incredibly fascinating object, Kaworu leant over and very briefly nuzzled Shinji's neck before Yuichi came back and he casually shoved his hands into his pockets.

Shinji was proud of himself as he managed by sheer will power to keep the annoying blush out of his face and felt a pleasant warmth spread throughout him from head to toe. ... Nice.

Before long, they reached the surgery and Yuichi was very pleased to be able to reach the door bell, which he of course rang. The vet was obviously not unhappy to see them - he had invited them, after all, Shinji remembered - and greeted the third visitor with just as much kindness as the two he already knew.

Scraps was looking miserable. He laid in a basket, apparently weak and tired from the strains the virus had put upon him, and just barely wagged his tail when Shinji petted his head affectionately.

"He'll be alright," the vet assured Yuichi who looked like he was on the verge of tears upon seeing the puppy like that.

"Really?" The boy crouched besides the basket and although Shinji somehow didn't manage to put an arm around him to comfort him, he stayed close. "Hello, Scraps..." Yuichi murmured, tracing the edge of the puppy's ear with his small fingers. It closed its eyes in pleasure and Kaworu thought he saw a tiny smile appear on Yuichi's features.

They didn't stay long because, of course, they didn't want to exploit the offered hospitality and, after Yuichi had assured Scraps in a long half-monologue just what great deeds they'd accomplish together - such as playing tricks on Touji and Kensuke -, they headed back to the factory, Shinji's hand in Kaworu's because Yuichi was way too busy to notice, chattering away about how he'd play with Scraps everyday when he had recovered.

----------

Out of habit, Shinji and Kaworu still made long walks when they met, even though the weather was gradually getting less mellow with each day that passed. Fall had finally won the war against the last remnants of sunny summer days and dappled the sky with grey clouds while a cool wind blew across the city.

One day, it was a Thursday and they were just returning from one walkaway, their talk happened to brush the subject of birthdays. In hindsight, Kaworu couldn't even remember how they had come to touch that particular topic.

"When is your birthday, Shinji?" he queried curiously, feeling venturous to ask so outright for something personal. He had learned to cherish the moments when Shinji decided to at least mention information concerning his past life and had not yet dared to just ask specifically for something.

He felt Shinji's fingers loosen on his hand, but the brunet did not lapse into silence, as Kaworu had feared he might. "The twenty-second of September," he replied, keeping his gaze directed up at the heavens where clouds piled to vast, hovering mountains.

"That's next week already!" Kaworu exclaimed, surprised. Shinji merely nodded and Kaworu thought he saw the lonely taciturnity flash across his features briefly that he had been so happy to not observe appearing in his face during the last weeks. Sensing the brunet's discomfort, he closed his hand around Shinji's, gently rubbing his thumb along the joint of the brunet's.

"When's yours, Kaworu?" Shinji inquired in return, not allowing the uneasiness to take over.

"Eleventh February," Kaworu replied casually, but he felt a slight shiver run down his back. Oh, Shinji wasn't the only one not too comfortable about birthdays and such. He quickly leant over to engage him in a kiss, a little more vehemently than asked for, but he was glad to feel cool fingers bury themselves in the hair at the back of his head. He knew this was mostly to distract himself and he felt bad about it, but if Shinji didn't mind...

When they reached Kaworu's house again, he frowned upon finding the door unlocked. Had he forgotten to lock it when they had left? But he was so sure he _had_... Not voicing his concern to Shinji, he felt like his guts had been filled with cold water as he opened the door.

"Ah, Kaworu."

He heard Shinji gasp faintly behind him at the dulcet voice that greeted them inside along with the gust of warm air that poured over them from the hall. The words, however, had a cool edge to them that made Shinji long back for the icy wind outside already.

"Hello - mother." Kaworu spoke the last word with deliberate care, like it was spiky and bitter on his tongue.

In the hall, several suitcases were stapled and all about it hung the distinct feeling of having just returned from a very long vacation. The woman in the hall, Shinji noticed as he looked over Kaworu's shoulder, was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She moved with an unearthly grace, each step like a part of a carefully choreographed dance, her refined features looked like they were carved by angels and the hair that flowed down her back was almost white. Kaworu obviously hadn't inherited his eyes from her, though - hers were of a dark, chocolaty brown that remembered Shinji vaguely of his own hair color. He could not bring himself to admire her beauty, however. In his head, the bitterness rang with which Kaworu always endued his words when he spoke about his parents.

Noticing the boy standing just behind her son, Nathalie raised her eyebrows. "Oh, and a friend you have brought, too!" There wasn't particular disdain in her voice as she said this, but Shinji shuddered slightly because there was an odd undertone in it - and what made him feel uneasy was that he couldn't determine if it was sadness or disaffection.

Kaworu merely nodded and began taking off his shoes and jacket. Shinji followed his example.

"A friend?" The deep voice was a lot warmer than Kaworu's mother's and Shinji couldn't help but feel slight comfort at hearing it. The man entering through the kitchen corridor was broad-shouldered, with smooth features, dark hair and the same red eyes as Kaworu's, just several shades darker. _This has to be Kaworu's father_, Shinji concluded.

Upon seeing Shinji, the man smiled - the resemblance to Kaworu's own smile he had grown to love so much was striking - and came over to them, extending a hand. Dumbfounded, Shinji shook it. It was warm.

"I am Justus, Kaworu's father," the man introduced himself.

Remembering that probably he ought to say who he was as well, Shinji stammered out his name. "Ikari, I - I'm Shinji Ikari, I mean." The hand let go of his and Kaworu's father went to take two of the suitcases. "I'll bring them up already, Nathalie," he said to his wife and went up the stairs, vanishing in the corridor opposite to that which Kaworu's own room was placed in.

"Kaworu," Nathalie began again, a delicate frown adorning her brow. "I was up in your room looking for you and I noticed a basket and dog toys. You don't happen to have got yourself a pet, have you?" Shinji noticed a small accent about her speech, the slightest pause edged between each word.

"So what if?" Kaworu crossed his arms in front of his chest, his face mirroring her frown, though with considerably more fierceness to it.

"I just want to remember you what I said about pets," she remarked, turning to stand in front of a board, letting her gaze travel across the books' spines, index finger resting thoughtfully at her bottom lip.

"I don't care!" Shinji winced as Kaworu's voice rose. He himself thought Kaworu's mother was talking just like any mother probably would have when discovering that their son had got a pet in their absence, but he didn't feel like he had the right to judge. He didn't know just what else had happened between Kaworu and his parents and he would not question his decisions. Kaworu had reasons.

"Don't shout at me like that," she replied coldly, one hand darting forward to pull a book from the shelve. _Die Stadt der Träumenden Bücher_, the spine read. "I just wanted to inform you that -"

"But _I_ don't want to," Kaworu said just as coldly and made a protective step in front of Shinji. "He's mine and I'll keep him. You're not home most of the time, anyway." Not waiting for an answer, he took Shinji's hand and pulled him along as he went up the stairs. Shinji cast a look back down into the hall, seeing Nathalie's dark eyes follow them in silent observation. Secretly, he couldn't help wondering if Kaworu's words had been merely about Scraps.

Up in his room, Kaworu let go of Shinji's hand and slumped onto his bed, resting his face in his palms. Silence ensued. Shinji did not know what to say or do, so he fumbled with his sleeve - feeling useless, as always. Although it was not cold at all, he was sure that he had felt considerably warmer outside, in the bitter wind, with Kaworu's tongue in his mouth and his hands in his hair, feeling so close that he wondered just where his own body ended and where Kaworu's began.

A sniffle broke the silence and Shinji was shocked at the realization that brutally forced itself upon him.

Kaworu was crying.

Not knowing what else to do, he sat down beside him on the bed and put his arms around him. A distraught feeling enclosed his heart with clammy hands as Kaworu's cheeks were hot and wet against his skin.

And somewhere inside Kaworu's heart, a small boy sat and cried and wished that he had been taken into a warm embrace like that nine years ago.

----------

**Ah. Now that's some drama, isn't it? **

**I have to say that I don't think the last sentence quite fits. It seems like it's been stuck to the finished piece and the pieces don't quite match. Meh. If I didn't want it so much to be said, I'd take it out immediately, but that sentence is important to me. -sigh-**

**Was it a surprise to you that Kaworu cried? Hm, I should think so. Sorry. (Or rather, not sorry at all, because I love that scene XD)**

**From now on, there's going to be small bonuses for those of you who review on a more regular basis And I'm not talking about chapter dedications because, after a while, they get a little cheap, don't they? XD It's never too late to start reviewing! (... This is pathetic, isn't it? Ah, shame on me.) Those who did for some time should already have gotten their present (Zharouchi, I'm sorry, but I couldn't find out your e-mail address, so if you'd still like your surprise, write me a mail, yes? For those who'd like to get something, it'd be nice if their address would be available.) **

**This is not an attempt to get more comments (okay, so maybe it is) but more of a thank you to all those of you who make the effort to write a comment (and more than just one or two lines, I'm always SO perplex at how elaborate comments I sometimes get, as in, it's more than just "squeee kawaii!!1!eleventy-one!") because I don't really know how else to really thank you except repeating how much I love and... doing this. XD **

**One thing on the topic of finishing! Scraps of Gold is far from finishing yet (we're about half-way through it now), but just in case anyone of you wants to know (which you surely don't XD), I have the plots of two more Kaworu/Shinji fics outlined roughly already, so if you want more fluff/drama/silliness, don't fret. There's going to be more. ... Why does this sound like a threat? **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy drama as much as I do. Because there's more to come. Mwaha. **


	12. Broken Streetlights

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Broken Streetlights**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 12/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,709**

**Dedication to no one. I know you're out there.**

When Shinji returned to the factory that evening, he didn't speak much to anyone but instead merely wished everyone a good night and retreated with his blanket and mat into a dusty, old room about the size of Asuka's. He didn't feel like talking, he didn't feel like having anyone close.

The room was rather cold - their usual sleeping room was quite endurable actually because when a room is crowded with people, it tends to heat up considerably because of body warmth. For the first time, he really pitied Asuka instead of thinking that it had to be great to have a room all to herself. He realized just how hard it had to be for her to be the only girl. The other option besides sleeping in a cold room was sleeping in a room with about twenty teenage boys. It had to be terrible, to have no one to really talk to in terms of, well, girly stuff. Shinji was quite sure he'd go mad if he had to spend his life among twenty girls, with not one other boy around.

There _had_ been another girl once... But she had left them one year ago, just as quietly as she had come and always been.

His thoughts, however, did not rest upon Asuka and the cold room for long. He lay on his bed, arms crossed behind his head, and stared at the white ceiling that looked blue in the dark. He felt sore and burnt out, his mind restless.

He had never thought he would ever see Kaworu like that. It was as ridiculous as a child being convinced that its parents were flawless and didn't have a life before its birth, but he had never been able to picture him crying. And seeing it, something he had never imagined, was more beautiful and terrible than his mind would have been able to think up.

Shinji had known for a long time that Kaworu wasn't exactly on good terms with his parents, but he had never once imagined what it really looked like inside him. _I still don't know_, he thought. It was true. In fact, now that he really thought about it, he didn't know a lot about Kaworu. He was good-looking and generous and a damn good kisser and just too kind for this world and he seemed to prefer Shinji to all the girls that probably fangirled him. And although Shinji didn't like it, he had to admit to himself that he had rarely tried to see Kaworu as more than that. In hindsight, he was disgusted with himself. He had accepted Kaworu's apparent perfection all too happily, without trying to find something more within him. As long as Kaworu had taken care of _him_, of _his_ worries and been considerate enough not to touch certain topics that hurt _him_, Shinji had been content with that and lived in his happy little bubble that consisted of nothing more than long walks in the park and fervent kisses under broken street lights. He had never tried to look past that.

He wondered how Kaworu had felt about that. Had he been hurt by Shinji's disregard towards every flaw he might have? Had he tried to keep the facade up purposefully, tried to hide what lay behind not only from Shinji, but also from himself?

Shinji restlessly turned onto his side, drawing a knee up to his chest. Had Kaworu maybe longed for losing control like that? For being able to just give up trying to be his wonderful self and cry in all honesty?

"I wonder what his parents have done to hurt Kaworu like that," he said out loud to the empty room. His voice sounded strangely flat.

_Nathalie and Justus._ The names' foreign pronunciation felt weird on his tongue as he formed them with his mouth. It was weird to think that Kaworu's parents, up to now always just shadowy figures somewhere out there, beyond his reach and real interest, had names. Of course they had, it was stupid to suppose otherwise, but when he thought about it, he had also never paid real attention to their persons, too. They had just been Kaworu's parents and never at home.

Shinji wasn't sure how to approach him to when they next met. He didn't know how long he had been sitting on Kaworu's bed, holding him close and saying nothing. It could have been an eternity or just a minute, he really didn't know. Their parting had been awkward. He had had to force himself to say it, but it was already getting dark outside and he needed to get home. He could surely have stayed the night again - he felt terrible imagining that maybe Kaworu had hoped for it - but despite his longing to comfort Kaworu, he felt he needed some time to himself to... what for, actually? Lying around here, just turning the past events over and over in his head?

Kaworu had only nodded and sat back a little as Shinji had reluctantly detached his arms from around him. He had not looked accusing for leaving him alone now or anything, but merely asked if Shinji could maybe go out alone. "I don't want to see them now," he had said and it was unnecessary to ask who "they" were. Shinji had understood, and left - and it felt like he had left a part of his heart behind with Kaworu, because he was running again from the confrontation that he should have craved for.

Justus had sat in the hall, busying himself over a sheet of paper. Only later did Shinji figure out that he had been drawing. Upon seeing him come down the stairs, he had looked at him. Shinji had slipped into his jacket and shoes in silence. "Be careful on your way home," Justus had said. "It's getting dark already." He sounded just like Kaworu. Shinji had merely looked at him in silent accusation before he had left and some foolish part of his mind thought that, maybe, Kaworu's father had somehow understood. Shinji could only hope.

----------

Kaworu turned around on his bed, unable to find sleep.

He wished he hadn't been pathetic enough to be so upset when his mother hadn't said anything worse than usual, wished he hadn't lost control, wished he hadn't been so _weak_ in front of Shinji.

Sitting there, crying like a child, without any real reason... He closed his eyes in disgust of the mental picture. He dreaded to imagine what Shinji must think of him now. Of his parents. Of his whole, completely fucked up life.

What was wrong with himself, anyway? Had he sunk so low now that he didn't pretend towards those around him, but to himself as well? He had always just thought about how he wanted hold Shinji and help him and make him feel that he deserved all that. Now the realization crashed down upon him that, deep inside, he was hoping for just the same being returned. To be held and helped and deserving it.

Speak of selfish.

With a moan, he pulled his pillow over his head, feeling the need to just shut out all the world.

----------

The next day it was pouring and Shinji did not come, although Kaworu sat at his window for hours, rain pounding heavily against it, and looked outside at the gravel walk, futilely hoping for a loved face to turn up.

----------

Shinji's heart pounded disturbingly loud in his ears as he rang the bell on the following day. The air was clear and cool and here and there, patches of blue broke the grey monotony of the skies.

It was Nathalie who opened the door. She eyed Shinji up and down before turning. "Kaworu! It's for you!" Without another word, she vanished up the stairs, passing her son on his way into the hall. For a moment, he just stood at the foot of the steps, looking at Shinji.

"Are we going up into my room?" he finally asked, vaguely gesturing upstairs and apparently very anxious of the answer. Shinji merely nodded and followed him.

Kaworu sat down on the carpet, his back propped up against the bed, and Shinji settled next to him in a similar fashion. Kaworu pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Shinji, the day before yesterday... I..." He broke off when he realised he had started talking without actually knowing what he wanted to say. There was a hand closing around his and he noticed how cold the fingers were that so tenderly held his own.

"It's okay," Shinji whispered, looking at his toes. "I know..."

"No," Kaworu blurted out suddenly. "That's it, you _don't_ know." He pulled his hand from Shinji's and rested his forehead in it. "Look at me - trying to be all perfect and wonderful to you and then I have to be hugged by you like some crybaby just because my mother rubs me the wrong way. Pathetic."

Shinji got to his knees and rested his hands on Kaworu's. "No. You _are_ perfect and wonderful." He placed a soft kiss on his left brow. "_Especially_ crying." He thought to see a lop-sided smile appear briefly on Kaworu's face.

"I'm completely fucked up, Shinji. I'm not half as great as you think I am."

"I have to agree with you in that point," the brunet replied to Kaworu's surprise. "You're even greater."

"Shinji, stop talking mushy nonsense," Kaworu mumbled with a frown, pulling his knees closer. "I'm serious. Trying to flatter me doesn't change anything. So stop the acting." He wasn't sure if it was satisfaction or grief that beset his heart as Shinji's face fell.

The brunet let go of Kaworu and stood. "Fine," he said and Kaworu almost cringed at the hurt tone in his voice. "If you're going to be like that, two can play this game, Kaworu. If I say that I think you're wonderful, then it's my own damn opinion! You're not the only one with issues here and if you're going to bury yourself in self-pity, fine! Go ahead! But don't expect me to let you belittle me by saying it's nonsense when I tell you that you _are_ a wonderful person."

Kaworu stared at him at his highly unusual outburst - it wasn't like the brunet to talk so much, so fiercely -, then looked away. "Shinji, I - I'm not as perfect as you make me to be, I'm weak, you don't want to be with an idiot who can't even cope with his own parents!"

Shinji knelt again, placing his hands on Kaworu's knees. "Don't tell me what I want," he replied softly, but not quite as cold as before anymore. "And don't lecture me about not being able to cope with parents. I think I know enough about that." He let his hands travel to lie on Kaworu's. "Heavens, just _be_ weak. I'm not a girl or a damsel in distress or something, I want to hold you when you're miserable, I want to be able to do something." He looked firmly into Kaworu's eyes. "I want to see it, Kaworu. All of you."

And then Kaworu had flung his arms around him and leant him into the bed's side and Shinji let it happen, merely resting his hands on the back of his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Yes... Being brave did have its good sides. Although he still wasn't sure where that speech had suddenly come from. Thinking about it, it felt rather like some stranger's words, not his own. But, he thought, it didn't really matter now that Kaworu's lips were on his own and Shinji moaned softly into his mouth.

When they finally parted for lack of oxygen, their faces still close, Shinji let out an airy giggle that was answered by a grin appearing on Kaworu's face. "_Not a girl_, huh? You giggle like one." He was pinched firmly in the cheek for that. "Didn't I say?" he continued nonetheless. "Girls always pinch children in the cheeks."

"Well then, you _child_," Shinji retorted, but he felt pleasantly warm, with Kaworu's body still leaning into his own, his breath on his face. The reply he got was merely another grin.

They sat like that for some time, just being close and content. Shinji had begun playing absent-mindedly with Kaworu's hair, enjoying its softness against his fingertips.

"Shinji?"

"Hm?"

"Your birthday's on next Saturday. What do we do?" Shinji looked at him blankly. Kaworu nudged his head with his own lightly. "Your birthday, Shinji," he repeated patiently, remembering that maybe he hadn't celebrated it in quite some time. He didn't know. "What are we going to do?"

Shinji held his gaze for some more seconds before looking at his left hand that fumbled with his sleeve again. "I don't know," he said, apparently not having thought about this before now at all.

"Let's see..." Kaworu adopted a ponderous expression. "We could go somewhere. The cinema, or some restaurant or an amusement park. I've last been in an amusement park two years ago with my class." Shinji's eyes widened at these suggestions. "Swimming would be nice, too. Or the zoo." He looked at Shinji expectantly, who blushed.

"You mustn't make such a fuss about it," he mumbled, looking aside.

Kaworu frowned. "Shinji, look at me. You're my boyfriend, okay? Of course I want to make a fuss about your birthday."

Shinji felt a slight tingle upon hearing Kaworu's words. "What's it?" Kaworu queried when the brunet gazed at him like he saw him clearly for the first time.

"You called me your boyfriend," Shinji said, apparently slightly shaken.

Kaworu quirked a brow. "I don't see why not because, well, you are - aren't you?"

"Sure," he mumbled, blushing, "You just never said it so... straight forward."

He was rewarded with an odd look and another nudge against his head. "Doofus," Kaworu scolded lovingly. "Your time in the streets must have made you weird." He abruptly leant away from Shinji, clutching his hands in front of his chest, looking at the ceiling as if in desperate prayer. "Oh no, God, my boyfriend's a weirdo!" In hindsight, he really should have seen it coming, but instead he was taken aback a moment before breaking into laughter as Shinji tackled him and pinned him to the floor.

"Idiot," the brunet murmured, but he grinned and leant in for a quick kiss before sitting on Kaworu's stomach, still holding him down by the shoulders. For a while there was silence and they just stared at each other. Then, Shinji climbed off Kaworu, settling next to the bed again. As Kaworu attempted to sit up, however, he pushed him back down again and lowered his mouth to his ear. "I'd like the flicks," he murmured and nuzzled the spot just below his ear before retreating and finally letting him get up. Kaworu grinned sheepishly and ran a hand through his hair as he propped himself up and they lapsed into silence again. He wondered why Shinji was so assertive all of a sudden, but he was the least likely one to complain.

The door swung open silently and they looked up, Shinji blankly, Kaworu with a sudden frown edged between his brows. It was Kaworu's father. The first thought that crossed Shinji's mind was to thank the gods that he hadn't come in moments earlier to see them, Shinji holding his son to the ground and nibbling at his ear.

"Lunch's ready," Justus said friendly, nodding towards Shinji. "We have set out a plate for you, too, if you want to come."

Casting a brief glance over at Kaworu, Shinji merely nodded. Just as quick as he had appeared, Justus was out of the doorway again, closing it behind him respectfully.

"Well, then..." Kaworu got up with a sigh and pulled Shinji up. "Let's get it over with." Inside his guts, he felt uneasy, but he didn't say it out loud. Shinji probably pretty much had guessed it already anyway.

As they stepped out into the corridor, the house already smelt pleasantly warm of bolognese. In the kitchen, Justus was just setting a casserole onto the table. "Lasagne," he announced as they entered. Nathalie sat on her chair already, her eyes trailing her husband moving about. Shinji sat next to Kaworu, opposite to Justus. Secretly, he was rather glad - he liked Kaworu's father considerably more than his mother, although he felt like a traitor for having sympathies at all.

They ate mostly in silence and Shinji could only guess that it was because the small family didn't often do anything together.

"Is the food alright?" Justus asked, looking at Shinji curiously. Startled, Shinji hastily nodded.

"It's really good," he added and quickly took another bite to keep himself from talking. He felt stupid.

"That's good to hear," Justus said with a smile and turned back to his plate. The talk, however, was not over yet. "If you don't mind me asking," he continued after a while, "where is the dog you have now, Kaworu? I haven't seen it at all yet."

"Ill," Kaworu muttered, poking a piece of pasta with his fork. "He was ill and had to be operated, he's still at the surgery."

"I see." Justus looked sincerely interested and not for the first time - and surely not for the last, he was sure - Shinji wondered what might have happened to make Kaworu feel so negative about him. As far as he knew him, he'd have had Justus for his real father any day. Again, the feeling of being a terrible traitor overcame him. "He'll be alright, I hope?"

"Yes," was the brief answer and Kaworu stuffed a piece of lasagne into his mouth, looking outside, seemingly lost in thoughts. Justus, Shinji noticed, looked like he wanted to say something more, but then he closed his mouth and busied himself with his fork and knife again.

"We found him in the park," Shinji suddenly heard himself say and both Kaworu and Justus looked at him while Nathalie seemed plainly indifferent. "Scraps, I mean," he added, blushing.

"Scraps?" Justus repeated, a smile curving the corners of his mouth and Shinji couldn't help noticing again how much Kaworu looked like him. Not necessarily in his features, Kaworu's face was more delicate, a treat he had definitely inherited from his mother, but his smile was just the same. "Is that the dog's name?"

"Uh-huh." Shinji nodded. "He was just a few weeks old and had no collar or tag and we took him to the vet first and then here. We couldn't just leave him there," he added with a small frown.

"Of course not," Justus agreed and shoved some pasta onto his fork.

"We can take him home again on Monday," Kaworu suddenly said, his voice level, eyes fixed on his plate. "The vet called yesterday."

Justus smiled. "That's good." Silence ensued and Shinji briefly rubbed his knee lovingly against Kaworu's because taking his hand would have been too obvious. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw him smile.

Shinji looked at his plate in wonderment. It was empty. He hadn't even consciously noticed up to now. "Uh..." He laid his fork aside nervously. "Can I maybe have some more?" he asked shyly. He had overcome a lot of his shyness with Kaworu now, but that didn't make it any better with others.

"Of course," Kaworu's father said and helped him to another portion.

"Thanks," Shinji mumbled as he looked down at the steaming pasta.

"I'm glad you like it," Justus went on, looking at him. "I was already afraid my cookery had gone a bit rusty."

"No," Shinji protested, "it's really good." He quickly busied himself with his food again when Justus didn't take his eyes off him for some moments. Then, he too resumed eating.

Shinji silently wondered why Kaworu's mother hadn't said anything at all up to now. She seemed so cool and detached, like it wasn't the man she had married and the child she had carried in her womb and nursed at her breast sitting here next to her.

He wanted to say something, to make _her_ say something, to ease the silence about the table... But then all the lasagne was gone and lunch was over and he still hadn't said anything and felt like a stupid coward.

They spent the rest of the afternoon up in Kaworu's room, doing little more than sitting around and talking and letting time pass by. When a rosy dusk blossomed outside, they went downstairs because Shinji had to go home.

"I'll go with Shinji for a bit," Kaworu said to his father who was again sitting on the small sofa in the hall, drawing. He looked up and nodded.

"But don't stay out too long," he replied, sounding very much like a father just would. "I don't want you to run around alone when it's dark."

Kaworu didn't reply but opened the door and dragged Shinji outside. The cold air hit them like a punch in the face, but strangely enough it wasn't unpleasant. They walked in silence until they reached the corner of a street. Shinji looked up. The splintered glass of the street light was familiar. The place of their first French kiss. He blushed slightly.

He wasn't too surprised as Kaworu pulled him close and kissed him. It was gentle and Shinji felt very warm as a hand ran down his chest, then changed direction and came to rest at his back.

As they parted, Kaworu tenderly rubbed a spot beneath Shinji's ear with his thumb. "You always just talk about how great I am," he murmured, "but you completely disregard yourself. Stop it, Shinji." A brief kiss pressed to his brow. "I'd totally fall apart without you."

Shinji was sure his heart had never even during their most daring kisses beat as hard as it did now. Unable to express himself with words, he pressed his lips to Kaworu's and slid a hand up his neck, into his hair. He wondered when he had started to talk with his body more than with words.

----------

**I have to admit that I'm not too content with what Shinji says when they're in Kaworu's room. It's just so major OOC that it makes me want to scream. But on the other hand, I think that when it comes down to it, he can manage to say what he thinks. Not always, but sometimes. We wouldn't have the TV ending if Shinji couldn't really realize what he's worth and that it might be good to speak out loud. So let's say he kind of has that realization already. (And living in the streets for three years makes you a littler tougher, I imagine. But that could also be rubbish, so don't quote me on it.) **

**I'm sorry if I disgruntled some people with the whole "there's presents for those who review" stuff, but I really want to thank those who do and I don't care if anyone says it's fishing for compliments. It's not, it's genuine gratefulness and if you can't deal with it, please don't read this story. It has a lot to do with saying "thank you", you know. So if you don't like it, don't read. But I want to thank those nonetheless who still read. I appreciate it and if you want to tell me what you like or not and what I could do better, please do. I write this story not only for myself, but for you as well. And I hope I brighten your Mondays a little.**


	13. Sugar Castles

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Sugar Castles**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 13/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 6,732**

**Dedication to the lovely German-speaking lolita scene. You girls are gorgeous. No bitch-fights, tons of style, good humour and constructive criticism. You rock.**

It had been quite some time since Shinji had last just sat around with his friends and talked and had fun, but now they were perched on the crates in the hall again and chatted like they were just normal teenagers, without any greater worries than the next math test. It was a nice feeling to pretend.

Asuka was there, and Touji and Kensuke and Yuichi, Shiro, Yuki and some others.

"But I have to say that the boys in Germany are way cuter," Asuka announced, earning a few laughs and eye-rolling.

"Is there anything that's _not_ greater than here in Germany?" Akira inquired sarcastically and she shot him a venomous glance.

"Of course," she replied, and after a short, ponderous pause, "not."

"If it's so great, you should actually like Kaworu," Shinji threw in - and was rewarded with silence.

"_Kaworu_?" Yuki asked, stunned. "He's _German_?"

Noticing that all eyes were on him, Shinji shifted uneasily. "Three quarters," he muttered, kicking a small stone aside with his foot. Then, it suddenly occured to him that this might a good occasion to tell them about his birthday. "While we're at it," he continued, "I'm going to stay overnight at Kaworu's on Saturday."

"Okay," Shiro agreed with a shrug. And that kind of settled it, although Shinji secretly thought that Asuka didn't look all too happy. He tried not to let it get through to him.

He was really looking forward to Saturday. Kaworu seemed determined to make it the best birthday he had ever had and somehow it wasn't hard to believe it would be. It had also been his idea to have a sleepover. They wanted to go to the flicks - Shinji was quite excited about that part, it had been _ages_ since he'd been at the movies -, then eat something and then, well, go to Kaworu's. It seemed to him like it was going to be a really good day.

----------

Shinji was sure that someone had messed around with time because it just wouldn't pass. It seemed to be years until the week was over and he went over to Kaworu's in the noon. Kaworu's parents were still at home - when being asked, he had told Shinji that they were going to stay for some weeks. Shinji didn't know a lot about what they actually did, but he had put together that they had something to do with SEELE, the German branch of some Japanese firm called NERV - something with finances or such, as Shinji thought to remember.

He was excited about his birthday. Going to the movies, eating in a restaurant, having a sleepover... It sounded so perfectly normal, so ordinary, so... great. It would be nice to pretend that the next day, he'd go home where his mother would be waiting for him with the dinner ready on the table and a complaint that he still hadn't tidied his room up.

The weather was cold, but nice as he arrived at Kaworu's and rang the bell. Kaworu welcomed him with the biggest, cheeriest smile Shinji had ever seen in anyone's face. Up in his room, Shinji found himself pinned to the door once he had closed it behind them and he responded eagerly. He hadn't seen Kaworu for three painfully long days because of the awful weather and although he felt like a stupid, hormone-steered teenager - heck, maybe he just was one - for it, he was desperate for some touches.

"You're very straight to the point today," he remarked with amusement when Kaworu released his mouth to trail kisses over the rest of his face.

"Mhm." Kaworu didn't answer at once, but just made a general sound of agreement. "To the point, yes, but not straight." After pressing a kiss to Shinji's neck as a respond to the laugh at his comment - the brunet gave a short, involuntary gasp - he brought his face level with Shinji's again and smiled. "Happy birthday, Shinji."

The brunet smiled back, feeling that this was indeed going to be a very happy birthday. "Thanks," he mumbled, sliding his arms around Kaworu's neck. He wasn't sure why, but today he felt like they were really a couple. Of course they had been for some time before, but he had never thought of Kaworu as just his _boyfriend_. His saviour, the one person he'd have jumped off a bridge for, the one that had taught him the joys of kissing, the boy with the blood red eyes that were dark in the moonlight. Now he felt like he could add "boyfriend" to his description as well.

He looked down as there was a nudge at his ankle and, letting go of Kaworu, knelt to scratch Scraps' ear. "Hi there," he murmured, watching as the puppy closed its eyes in thankful delight. They had taken Scraps home on Monday, as predicted, and Shinji was happy to have him here again. He still had to recover fully and slept most of the time, but the thing that mattered was that he was on his way to being his playful, clever self again. "Have you decided to descend from your basket to join us simple mortals?" He heard Kaworu laugh and smiled. Scraps just rubbed his nose against Shinji's hand and received a gentle stroke over his back in return. He wagged his tail contently.

"He looks a lot better already," Kaworu commented and crouched next to him. Shinji nodded. The puppy's fur didn't have its old shine back yet and the scars of the operation were still very visible, but his hair wasn't as scrubby anymore and his eyes were clear and attentive. "Maybe we can take him for a short walk in a few days." Up to now, Scraps hadn't been up to more than just short explorations in the house, but albeit it was a slow process, he gradually grew more active.

"That'd be great," Shinji agreed. The puppy suddenly let itself drop to the floor. "Ah, not again." Kaworu sighed and carried the small dog over to its basket where he lay it down carefully. "You shouldn't walk around when you're not sure you'll make it back in time before you get a sleeping fit," he scolded the puppy and it wagged its tail. Shinji merely smiled.

Kaworu stood and went over to his desk, pulled open a drawer and began rummaging through its contents. Shinji watched him with interest. Finally, after a minute and some annoyed mumbling on Kaworu's part when he didn't find what he searched for at first, his hand surfaced again, holding a small, blue package. He sat next to Shinji on the floor, holding it towards him. "Your present," he announced, watching as the brunet took it with timid fingers. "And don't say that I shouldn't have got you something," he foreclosed any objections. Shinji smiled sheepishly. Kaworu knew him all too well.

The tape resisted his attempts to open the package at first but after a brief fight, he finally managed to pry it open. He tilted it over his hand, watching two small objects roll out onto his palm. It were two pendants, each measuring just about two centimetres, that fitted into each other smoothly to form an egg. They were made of a polished, dark blue stone, white lines criss-crossing through it like frozen lightning.

"One for you, one for me," Kaworu explained, picking one pendant up by its necklace and knotting it around Shinji's neck with deft fingers. Shinji stared at him. "Thank you," was all he managed to say.

Kaworu smiled. "It wasn't really easy to find these," he confessed, closing his eyes briefly as Shinji put the other one around his neck in return, then played around absent-mindedly with the pendant resting over the brunet's chest. "Most of the shops just had the whole girly caboodle, teddy bears and bunnies and hearts, with pink sparkly stones and all that stuff. I thought these were a little more suited to a couple where no party has boobs." He turned the stone between his fingertips. "It's lapis lazuli - but I don't have the least inkling what it means, good luck or something, I guess, like a-"

Then he was forced to shut up because talking tends to be difficult - and not all that important - when your mouth is occupied with much more interesting things. He could feel the two pendants pressed against his chest as Shinji leant into his body, one hand at the back of his neck and one at his shoulder. He wondered silently just when it had happened that they spent more time snogging each other than talking. Their relationship had certainly changed quite a bit since they had started, but he felt that it wasn't really a bad change. They both were in it for more than physical attraction and as long as they knew that, well, why not...

He actually panted a little when Shinji's lips left his. "Wow," was all he managed to get out. Shinji grinned feebly, apparently quite satisfied with himself.

"When do we go to the flicks?" he asked innocently, toying around with Kaworu's pendant. He was rewarded with a small laugh.

"You kiss me like that and then just ask such a random question?" Kaworu ran a hand through Shinji's hair, enjoying to see him blush again. It happened less often lately. "Give me a break, I need some blood up in my brain first to start thinking again." _That_ made him really blush and Kaworu grinned. "Anyway, the film starts at half past four, so we should maybe leave at... let me think..." He lowered his brows in a grimace of exaggerated cogitation and Shinji laughed. "Four o'clock, maybe quarter to four. That should do."

"Alright," Shinji agreed, looking up at the clock. It was only shortly past two. "What do we do until then?"

"If you climb off me, I'll show you," Kaworu bantered and Shinji realized only now that he was practically sitting in his lap. Face flushed with embarrassment, he got up, fumbling with his sleeve again. Kaworu didn't leave him to his abashment, however, and simply pulled him along, down into the kitchen where a chocolate cake was waiting, along with iced tea and a small bowl of sweets. Shinji wanted to voice that all this effort _really_ wouldn't have been necessary, but Kaworu looked as happy as if it had been his own birthday and he realized it would have just been rude and unnecessary to say it, so he decided that at least today, he would accept everything good that happened with mere thankfulness, not embarrassment.

Only when he looked at it closer, he noticed that with icing words had been painted onto the cake: _SWEET SIXTEEN_.

It was really good, not as dry as the first cake Kaworu had made, and he was happy to see that Shinji seemed to enjoy it just as much as he did. He had managed to almost set the kitchen on fire while making it and it was a relief to see that it had at least been worth it.

When they had eaten so much that Shinji was sure he'd never again be able to even look at anything with sugar in it without having to vomit, they just sat around for a while, laughing about the silliest little things, feeling strangely at peace with themselves and the world. Shinji even managed to persuade Kaworu to tell him a little about Germany, an achievement that pleased him deeply.

"And along the Rhine, you can't go half a kilometre without another castle coming into view," Kaworu recounted.

"So many?" Shinji asked in amazement. Kaworu nodded.

"It's incredible, you can stand at a castle and when you look around, you see at least three or four others in the hills around you," he said and rolled a small chocolate ball around on the table with his finger. He didn't feel like eating it now at all - that'd make him die of sugar overload, he was sure. "That's because Germany consisted of so many small counties and kingdoms before it was united and became a federal state."

"I see." Shinji nodded thoughtfully. He had never seen a real castle in reality. The thought of so many perched together on so little space seemed incredible to him. "Kaworu?"

"Hm?" Kaworu looked up.

"Do you have photos of the castles?"

For a moment, his only answer was a blank look, then Kaworu rose. "I should have some... Give me a moment." Shinji listened to his receding footfalls until they were inaudible, then he pulled his knees up and rested his chin on them. He smiled quietly to himself.

It took some minutes until Kaworu returned, a thick photo album in his arms. He sat next to Shinji and began flipping through the pages. Shinji felt his heart beat faster as he caught glimpses of Kaworu as a child. He noticed that he looked like a rather normal child at first, except for his unusual looks of course, always laughing and waving at the camera. Later on, however, there was an odd tension in his face, even his smiles seemed slightly unsure - and they rarely reached his eyes. As Kaworu noticed Shinji's slightly upset face while looking at the pictures, he nudged him in the ribs. "I was just a grumpy kid," he commented, but at the same time knew that Shinji recognized it as what it was - a poor lie. Deciding not to pursue the matter further, he searched on in silence for the pictures he was looking for.

"That's it," he finally announced and held the pages out to Shinji. Shinji bent closer and felt himself smile involuntarily.

The first picture showed Kaworu, maybe seven years old, in front of a huge red and green castle gate, waving at the camera. He looked happy and the grin in his face was sincere. The next picture showed him sitting on a horse's withers, held by a man in armour in the saddle. Upon Shinji's puzzled look, Kaworu laughed.

"There was a tournament going on there, and a feast," he explained. "There's sometimes such events at the castles in Germany, where you're shown how the knights lived in the mediaeval times, with show fights and stuff. I went to that one with my father."

"I see," Shinji responded, feeling slightly confused inside - not about the knights, though. He turned the page that revealed a photo with Kaworu amidst a group of jugglers and jesters, wearing an over-sized red hat that one of them had apparently put upon his head. Shinji laughed at the slightly helpless look on small Kaworu's face and the older one next to him smiled lop-sidedly.

There were a lot of photos like these, of maidens and knights and jugglers, most with little Kaworu somewhere amidst them, pictures of castles surrounded by hills and forests, suits of armour in vast, pompous halls - but none of them managed to spark Shinji's interest like one single picture that showed Kaworu hugging his father, laughing and pointing at a juggler that balanced a wooden sword on his forehead. Justus was smiling at his son warmly. Kaworu's eyes lingered on the photo just a little longer than on the others and he quickly pointed out another one to Shinji, effectively covering that with his father in it with his sleeve, but Shinji had noticed nonetheless. He refrained from asking, though.

"Germany looks really interesting," he remarked when Kaworu shut the album again. Kaworu shrugged.

"When you're in the cities, it's just like every other industrial country," he said and although Shinji was sure that he was exaggerating - it couldn't really be true, the differences alone between Japan and Germany seemed so _huge_ -, he didn't argue. "We still have an hour left until we have to go," Kaworu mentioned as he put the album on the table. "Any ideas?"

Shinji thought about it for a moment. "Would you mind playing the violin?"

Kaworu laughed. "I wonder why you're even asking," he teased.

The hour was over faster than expected and they left for the city, wind whipping through their hair and clothes, cooling their faces down. They were in high spirits nonetheless, chatting about the most random things on their way. At least until they reached the cinema.

"'Closed'?" Shinji read aloud, regarding the bright yellow sign with disappointment.

CLOSED

DUE TO TECHNICAL PROBLEMS

"Man." Kaworu looked just as dismayed. "I was looking forward to making out in the back rows!" Despite the fact that it was freezing cold and Shinji thought that his nose must be one single chunk of ice, despite the disappointment about not going to the flicks and missing out on hot popcorn - that he probably wouldn't have managed to eat anyway, seeing that it was covered in sugar -, despite the fact that the technical equipment apparently couldn't have chosen a day that was _not_ his birthday for being out of order... Despite all that, he couldn't help but laugh at Kaworu's comment that was accompanied by a childish pout.

With a sigh, Kaworu leant against the wall. "Well, we have to find ourselves something else to do instead." He looked very ponderous for a moment, then grabbed Shinji's hand and dragged him along.

"Where are we going?" Shinji asked in confusion, but curious nonetheless.

"I'm way too stuffed with cake still - and don't tell me you aren't -, so maybe we'd rather go eat some other day, but we could rent ourselves a film and get some popcorn and then we'll watch at my house," was the long, but already rather enthusiastic reply and Shinji smiled. Kaworu made everything seem so simple in life.

The video store was pleasantly warm and it was fun rummaging through the shelves, looking for some film worth watching.

"I think I found something," Shinji announced after a while and looking at about a hundred film covers.

"So?" Kaworu came over, looking over Shinji's shoulder onto the cover. _Story Children_, it said, the title white and cursive over a bluish picture showing two young men - twins, it seemed -, a small girl with a face covered in freckles and an older girl, dark hair framing a delicate face, wearing a dark, lacy dress. Pulling it gently from the brunet's fingers, Kaworu read the story description and, really, it didn't sound bad.

So it was settled and before long, they had also got some popcorn and were soon back at Kaworu's again. They had only rarely watched TV, just when something really interesting was on, like last week some documentation about the famous Stradivari violins that Kaworu had been very keen to watch - and during which Shinji had to his embarrassment fallen asleep, only to wake up an hour later with Kaworu's head on his, the other boy sleeping soundly.

"Was the film so short?" Justus asked in puzzlement when they stepped into the warm, brightly lit living-room.

Kaworu shook his head. "Technical problems," he answered shortly, but Shinji noticed that he seemed more relaxed than usual when talking to his father. "The cinema's not open at all."

"That's a pity," Justus said sincerely, then his gaze fell onto the film in Shinji's hand. "You want to watch a movie here?" Kaworu nodded. "Shall I leave you alone?" Justus asked, already rising from his chair at the table where he'd been sitting, reading. Shinji's first reflex was to negate, it wasn't right to make him go out of his own living-room, but Kaworu was faster.

"That'd be very nice."

For a moment there was silence as both Shinji and Justus stared at him, taken aback by the... lack of coldness in his words, then Kaworu pulled the DVD from Shinji's fingers and busied himself by switching on the player and TV. Without another word, but with a trace of a smile that only Shinji noticed, Justus left the room.

The film was really nice, with great actors and a good plot. Even Kaworu seemed to have forgotten totally about his plans of making out in the back row - although Shinji wasn't sure if the couch counted as such - and was completely absorbed in the story. When after almost two hours the credits flickered across the screen, there was a brief silence.

"Wow," Shinji said and was agreed with by a nod from Kaworu. "I'd never have guessed they're just _stories_." Then, after a short pause, "Poor Kardamom."

"Uh-huh." Kaworu nodded. "I thought that they'd probably have something to do with that weird god, but _that_..." His voice trailed off. With a sigh, he stretched in a rather cat-like manner. Shinji felt reminded of how he had woken up next to him after the night of the raid. Casting a look at him, Kaworu tilted his head in an unspoken question. "Shall we go up to my room?"

"Okay." Shinji smiled in agreement and after they had switched the TV off, they made their way up the stairs again. The brunet wondered silently why he hadn't seen Kaworu's mother at all today. Justus was there, why not Nathalie, too? Feeling that this was not exactly his to know, he pushed the thought back in his mind.

"I still think that they could have stopped the clock if Pfeffer hadn't interfered," Shinji said after a while, ponderously. They were sitting on Kaworu's bed, not really knowing what to do.

"Hm." Kaworu tilted his head. "I don't know, I think Kardamom wanted it to end that way."

"But she died!"

"... Yes."

Not knowing what to respond, Shinji just sighed. "I know."

Kaworu suddenly adopted a comically exaggerated, dreamy expression. "But that Thymian, well, _he_ was cool..."

"Hey, you know that your boyfriend is sitting right next to you?" Shinji asked, nudging him in the ribs. Kaworu grinned.

"Boyfriend? What boyfriend?"

The next moment he had a pillow thrown into his face and responded with a cushion straight against Shinji's chest.

It was a good feeling to just be silly for today and have a pillow-fight like any bunch of kids would have had it on a decent sleepover, causing over-all chaos and way too much noise. Shinji couldn't remember when he had last had a pillow-fight, but this was just what he imagined it to be. They were quite even, landing about the same amount of hits, and at some point, they had already forgotten why it had even started, but it didn't matter anymore.

Just gaining momentum to hit Kaworu with another cushion, Shinji suddenly lost balance and tipped over. Kaworu wanted to catch him before he fell, but then it was already to late and he was being brought down as well. Inwardly, he thanked God that the carpet was so soft and pillows were lying around everywhere, cushioning their fall. The least thing they needed was Shinji cracking his skull on the floor. Then, all thoughts of this kind were wiped from his mind.

Staring down at Shinji, he only now noticed just how hot his face was, glowing with the blood pulsing under his skin. He heard his heart thump loudly in his ears. Blue eyes stared back, in an excitement that was completely different from the exhilaration felt during the pillow-fight.

There was silence. Not the kind of embarrassed silence that had filled the space between them earlier, but breathing, waiting, expectant silence. Kaworu could feel Shinji's chest almost touch his when it rose with his shallow breathe.

A hand was laid to Kaworu's cheek, caressing it gently with a thumb, timidly, then sliding up into his hair in a familiar gesture. Kaworu knew an invitation when he was offered one, and so he leant down to slowly trace his tongue along Shinji's bottom lip, sensing excitedly how the other's breathe brushed across his face when he exhaled.

Shinji was sure he could hear the blood rush through his veins, just as he could hear his breathing exaggeratedly loud in his ears. Kaworu was sprawled out on top of him, and though it had happened accidentally, Shinji found he liked the position, their bodies mere inches apart. A tender nip made him close his eyes, waiting for Kaworu to go further. On one hand, he enjoyed the gentleness and slowness, on the other hand he thought that Kaworu was just a damn tease for making him wait like that.

Speak of confused.

Willing himself into action, he slid his other hand up Kaworu's neck as well, pulling him down. When there was full bodily contact for the first time, he wasn't the only one to gasp. He could vaguely hear him moan lowly next to his ear and found he enjoyed the sound. He enjoyed _making_ Kaworu sound like that.

Kaworu's left hand found his right one and gently pulled it away, pinning it to the floor, running his fingers down his wrist. Shinji let his other hand travel over to his shoulder, trying to bring him closer although that was already pretty much impossible.

He moaned into Kaworu's mouth when a hand slipped under his shirt, sliding up his stomach. When he moved a little and his hips curved into Kaworu's, however, he pulled back slightly, gasping, his hand tightening in the other's shirt.

Kaworu stared down at him, feeling dizzy with the sheer feeling. He had imagined this scene for at least a billion times, but this was so much better, with Shinji feeling warm and soft and _alive_ against his body. He cupped his face with his hands, releasing Shinji's other hand that instantly was up in his hair again, pulling him closer, and kissed him.

Shinji tentatively moved against him once more and was rewarded with a feeling coming over him like a tidal wave. Heavens, if this was only foreplay, just what must the real thing be like?

He closed his eyes as Kaworu pulled away from his mouth to trail kisses over his cheek, his eyelids, his brow, before leaning down and exploratively licking at his jaw. Shinji gasped as the tongue traced lower, down to the spot where his neck and shoulder met. His fingers tightened in Kaworu's hair as he discovered that, yes, he was _very_ sensitive there.

Kaworu felt strangely satisfied with himself when Shinji moaned softly as he sucked a little on the skin. Deciding to go a bit further, he placed a gentle bite at Shinji's neck, receiving a rather high-pitched and quite indefinable sound in return. Then the hands in his hair demanded attention and brought his face level with Shinji's again for another kiss.

Shinji, despite his awe at what he received, felt that he was being too passive; he wanted to get responses out of _Kaworu_, watch _his_ face while he himself was being explorative. Detaching a hand from Kaworu's hair, he slid it down his neck, over his shoulder, back up again, then down his shoulder blades, the rest of his back... under his shirt. He took inexplicable delight in following the slight dip of Kaworu's spine with his fingers, feeling how it moved and curved beneath their tips. He traced them over his shoulder blades, amazed at the feeling of bone, muscle, flesh and skin. And the sounds that Kaworu made were definitely the most delicious ones he had ever heard. They... excited him, so to speak.

Finally, Shinji let go of Kaworu's hair with his other hand as well, sliding his arms under Kaworu's, just resting his splayed fingers on his bare shoulder blades, pulling him closer.

Then, there suddenly was a hand at his thigh and instinctively his own shot down, grabbing Kaworu's wrist in slight panic. "Don't," he said lowly as Kaworu looked at him.

Kaworu just nodded, then, after placing a brief kiss on Shinji's brow, reluctantly rolled off him, making place for him to sit up. They were both breathing heavily, faces flushed, hearts beating against their ribcages like trapped animals.

"I - I'll be right back," Kaworu muttered, leaving for the bathroom where he leant with his back against the door, running a hand over his face. Gods, why had he ruined it by being way too quick again? Just like back then in the kitchen. ... Oh, he was so _good_.

Giving the mirror a fleeting glance, he thought that he couldn't go back like that now.

A quiet gasp echoed off the tiled walls.

----------

Shinji felt stupid. Had he hurt Kaworu with his rejection? There hadn't even really been anything, no real touches in... precarious zones, just very vaguely near it. And it had felt so _good_... In hindsight, he was angry with himself for having stopped. He might have missed out on a moment that had been haunting his dreams for quite some time now and he felt like there was someone in his head, laughing at him for letting the opportunity slip away.

"Shinji?"

He looked up. Kaworu was standing in the doorway again, looking rather embarrassed, his cheeks flushed. "Sorry for just now, I - I didn't mean to startle you or something..." He broke off, biting his lip.

"It's alright," Shinji said, feeling that he really meant it. He kissed him on the nose gently. "Thank you, anyway."

"What for?"

"For doing it," Shinji mumbled against his neck. "And for stopping."

Kaworu smiled. Then, he slid his hand into Shinji's. "Come," he said.

"Where?" the brunet asked, confused.

"There's still one present left."

"Oh."

Kaworu dragged him out into the corridor, leading him over to a door at the very end of it. Shinji had always thought it was some kind of store room or something, but when Kaworu opened it, it turned out to be a stairway spiralling up into another room.

It was an attic, covered in dust and cobwebs. Kaworu flicked the lights on and Shinji saw that boxes were stapled along the walls, and at the back of the room, two doors led to other rooms. Not minding those, however, Kaworu led him over into a corner, where behind some old cartons, a familiarly shaped object lay.

"I thought you might like to play on it," Kaworu explained with a smile as Shinji knelt in awe next to the cello case and ran his fingers over it. He didn't have to ask for an answer as it was so clearly written in the brunet's face already.

Justus looked up as they carried the case into the living-room. "Ah, you found it?" As Shinji looked at him in puzzlement, he smiled. "Kaworu asked me if we still had it. It belonged to my grandfather."

"I see," Shinji said, looking at Kaworu on whose cheeks a flush spread and who quickly busied himself with flicking open the locks. "It's beautiful," Shinji murmured as he lifted the lid. The wood was dark and shone like it had been polished just yesterday with loving care.

He took the instrument carefully out of its case, tracing a finger over its scroll. It had been _years_... Shinji took the bow and drew it, watching the hair tauten slowly. He gently ran a finger over it. "It needs resin," he remarked absent-mindedly, his fingers dipping into the space between hair and wood.

Kaworu stood. "I'll get it, I have some in my violin case." With that, he left for the music room, leaving Shinji with Justus.

"That reminds me," Justus said and stood, going over to a shelf. He pulled a sheet of paper and a photograph from between two books. Sitting next to Shinji, he laid them out on the table. "I know it's not that great a present, but Kaworu was so excited about your birthday and I just thought..." He trailed off.

Shinji stared at the pictures. One was a drawing, and it showed Kaworu, smiling the way that Shinji had come to love so much. The photograph showed them both on the couch, Shinji leaning against Kaworu, his head on his shoulder and Kaworu's face in his hair. He blushed when he thought that Kaworu's father must have seen them like that. That must have been when they had fallen asleep while watching TV.

"Thank you," was all he managed to get out and the smile on his face was answered by Justus. "The drawing is wonderful, Nagisa-san."

Justus waved a hand. "Don't be so formal, 'Justus' is all right," he said. Shinji didn't reply - Justus looked like he still wanted to say something. "Shinji," he began finally, hesitantly. "I'm sure Kaworu told you that our relationship isn't as good as it should be, am I right?"

Not knowing what else to answer, Shinji simply said, "Yes."

"I see." Justus ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "You see, I - when I was on a business trip to Germany, I met my wife, Nathalie - she was a waitress at the hotel where I stayed at. It's not a very honourable thing, but it's the truth when I say that it was supposed to be just one night, not more. You can imagine my shock when, one evening, she came up to me and said she was pregnant. I couldn't just leave her alone with the baby, so I got myself a job in Germany and stayed with her."

Shinji listened, feeling strangely detached. Where was this heading?

"Don't get me wrong, we came closer and loved each other, but there was always a strain on our relationship. When Kaworu was born, it turned out that Nathalie had a mental disease - I'm sure it doesn't help you when I tell you the medical name, but it's an illness where the mother is mentally unable to feel affection for her child or care for it. She made a therapy, but when Kaworu was seven, she had a break-down and he happened to walk into her..." Justus looked pained at this and Shinji felt the sudden need to pat his shoulder or something. "She was drunk and told him rather nasty things. I ran in onto them when she actually hurt him. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by staying by my wife's side and calming her down instead of doing exactly that with my son. He never forgave me for that." He looked up as Shinji made a small sound of disbelief. "What's it?"

"You see that as your biggest mistake?" "... Yes. What did you think it was to me?"

Shinji blushed and, swallowing, looked at the drawing. Where was Kaworu? Shouldn't he have come back from the music room already? "I thought it would be fathering Kaworu."

"... Never." Shinji looked at him and although he tried to, he could not find dishonesty in Justus' red eyes. "That's good."

"Why?"

"Because it means that you love your son."

Justus stared at him for a moment, then he sighed. "How could I not. I think he didn't always feel about me like that, maybe he really returned it earlier - as most children just do, because you just love your parents out of principle. But I betrayed that by always sticking by Nathalie rather than Kaworu."

Shinji absent-mindedly ran a finger over the cello's strings. "It hurts to be neglected love by your father because he seems to love your mother more than he could ever love you." Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he had revealed more about his past to Justus than he had ever said outright to Kaworu, but, somehow, it didn't matter now.

Justus gazed at him silently, compassion in his eyes. Shinji looked up. "But you still have your son, you still _can_ do something about it."

Justus looked back, surprised by the fierce look in his face. Up to now, Shinji had always struck him as timid, shying away from meddling with other people's affairs. "Such as?"

"You could tell him that you love him."

There was silence. Shinji kept his eyes fixed to the portrait of Kaworu. It was really beautiful. His hair looked as soft as in reality, the expression in his smile was gentle, yet cheerful and his eyes seemed just as mesmerizing as Shinji knew them.

"You really like each other a lot, hm?" Shinji looked up again. "It seems like a miracle to me, you know," Justus mused, resting his chin on his palm. "I haven't seen my son in over three months, but when I come back... he has you." Shinji blushed. "And he seems so changed, so much... happier. The day before yesterday, he asked me about my grandfather, and if he hadn't played cello and that it would be very important to him if he could make you that present. We haven't talked so much in a very long time. You really mean a lot to each other, don't you?"

And for the first time in years, Shinji felt that he could trust an adult, that he could trust this man that had made himself so vulnerable in front of him. He would be the first to know. "More than you could imagine," he said quietly, feeling more red rise into his cheeks. Justus smiled knowingly. "I see." With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair again. Then, he smiled at Shinji warmly. "I don't know what I have done to deserve this."

"What?"

"You," Justus said. "You make Kaworu happy. You are a good child, Shinji."

Shinji flinched as a muffled sob broke the silence and his hand instinctively shot up to cover his mouth as he realized that it had come from him. And then suddenly Kaworu was back - he must have eavesdropped, Shinji figured, but it didn't matter because he pulled him into an embrace and, not caring at all that his father was sitting right next to them, pressed a brief kiss to Shinji's mouth.

Justus watched, shocked; not about the way they interacted - although he had to admit that it was a little bit unsettling to see his son kiss another boy -, but about Shinji's sudden trepidation. "Have I said something wrong?" he asked, looking rather upset.

Shinji pulled back from Kaworu, glad that there wasn't any tears on his face, but just a feeling in his heart that was at the same time very hurtful - and very beautiful. He shook his head. "No," he said, glad nonetheless that Kaworu was there. "I just wish my own father had ever said that to me."

Kaworu gave his father a meaningful look. Meaningful as in, _Say something wrong and you're dead_. "I see," Justus said, again. He wondered just how often he had said that this evening.

"I have the resin, Shinji," Kaworu murmured, holding the small, amber chunk of colophony up. Shinji, already feeling embarrassed again, took it from him with a lop-sided smile and settled himself on another chair, rubbing the resin expertly over the bow. Then, he pulled the cello between his knees and began to tune it. Kaworu knew the process from his violin; he felt the strong urge to cover his ears at first when the instrument wailed heart-breakingly, but after some strokes and careful turns of the tuners, always bent low with one ear to catch the slightest alteration, the notes soon began to sound warm, harmonic and even.

Watching him, Justus thought that that boy really deserved more than what he had obviously got in life. He looked so peaceful and content, drawing the bow across the strings, listening for small dissonances. When Shinji had apparently finished tuning, Justus leaned forward a little. "May I listen as well?" he asked. "I haven't heard that cello being played on for twenty years."

Shinji looked pleasantly surprised, and he smiled. "Of course."

The piece he played was slow, a melody full of yearning and sadness, yet it held undeniably hope for whatever might come. And even though he hadn't even been near a cello for three years, he felt like he had never played as well as tonight. When after the next song Kaworu joined him with his violin, he inwardly spoke a prayer to whatever gods there may be or not, thanking them for this one perfect moment.

----------

**Now this was a long one, wasn't it? I hope I managed to get across what I wanted to and that you liked it. Please, **_**please**_** take your time to review this time because this is a very important chapter to me and the story. We have come to know a lot more about Kaworu's family now and I think that this is a noteworthy event because it clears some matters up. I want your honest opinions on what you think about it. It would make me very happy. **

**The song that Shinji plays is "True Light" from D.N.Angel, which is very beautiful in the piano version. **

**Plus, the movie that Kaworu and Shinji watch is a small cameo. It's a story I planned to do some time ago (a year or two) which is about an orphanage where children without a name live. Kind of fantasy. **

**Two days ago, on the 25th, I was at my first lolita meet-up in Düsseldorf. It was gorgeous. Gorgeous outfits, gorgeous people, gorgeous location. (I love how there are so many castles in Germany!) The mood was just perfect and I just had loads of fun like I've barely ever had before. (And my class teacher told me today that she saw us OO") And I came, once again, to one conclusion: Lolita is love.**


	14. Reality in Orange

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Reality in Orange**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 14/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,861**

**Dedication to ReaperRain and Zharouchi. I miss talking to you! Where are you?**

„Kaworu - you're suffocating me!" The vice-like hold around his shoulders loosened just ever so slightly.

"But I don't want to let you go yet," Kaworu mumbled in childish stubbornness, his tone of voice complemented by a pout. Shinji laughed, then, deciding that breathing was pretty much overrated anyway, snuggled deeper into the warm embrace.

"It's not like I'm leaving just now anyway," he murmured sleepily, burying his face in Kaworu's shirt.

"Well, then." Kaworu abruptly let go of him, pulled his arms back and rolled onto his other side. His actions were followed by a disappointed outcry.

"Not fair!" Shinji protested, nudging Kaworu's back. Kaworu merely grinned. "Well, okay," the brunet went on, adopting a defiant tone. "Then I'll just lie around here, _completely helpless_, and wait until some girl comes to pick me up. I could send your dad to fetch Asuka and she'll come and get me."

That got a response out of his boyfriend alright and he smiled sleepily as suddenly Kaworu's face was in front of his own again and he was pinched in a cheek. "And here I was, thinking that only _girls_ pinch you in the cheek," he jested.

"Well," Kaworu retorted with a grin, "then I guess I'm the girl you're so desperate for to pick you up."

Then it was quiet for a while because some things are expressed well with your mouth, but not with words.

Shinji was sure he had never slept better in all his life than last night. After their small music session had been over the evening before, it had been pretty late already and they had decided to go to bed. Kaworu had lent Shinji some clothes because, of course, the brunet had totally forgotten about those. Besides the fact that it was actually a real bed he had spent the night in, Shinji had discovered that sleeping snuggled up to someone that wasn't your kind-of-little-brother definitely lived up to the mushy stuff that was often said about that kind of thing. He did indeed feel very safe, listening to Kaworu's even breathing, laying a hand over his chest to detect his steady, soothingly calm heartbeat. It was a pleasant occupation while waiting for sleep to overcome him to watch the shadows play over and freckle Kaworu's skin, projected inside from where the moon-light was caught in the branches of the single tree in the garden. Always, but especially when he slept, his face had something incredibly peaceful, something angelic about it that made Shinji smile in childish disbelief and joy whenever he realized that, really, the owner of this face had chosen him, Shinji, to be his and that he was the one allowed to touch it and kiss it and gaze at it to his heart's content.

Playing on Kaworu's distraction, Shinji pushed him onto his back, enjoying the look of surprise he observed in his red eyes, before settling on his stomach and leaning down to bite his lip tenderly. He vaguely noticed Kaworu's eyes slide shut in expectation as he ran his tongue across his lower lip. Deciding to make him wait some more, he just barely brushed his lips over Kaworu's, the touch feather-light and scarcely noticeable.

"Damn, Shinji," Kaworu growled quietly. Shinji had to suppress a small, childish smile when he could feel the soft hisses against his face as Kaworu said his name. It delighted him, somehow. "Stop the tease..."

"Okay," was the simple answer and Shinji lowered his mouth to Kaworu's and was rewarded with a rather fervid kiss that he eagerly responded to. While his lips were occupied, he noticed that Kaworu's hands had come to rest warmly at his hips and now decided to do some exploring himself. His fingers played around for a bit with the hem of Kaworu's light shirt before pushing it up a little to map the soft skin out with his fingertips. Sliding his hand just a bit lower, he slowly drew a small circle with his fingertip before continuing further up again, enjoying the smoothness of the skin that was warm and alive and aching to be touched beneath his fingers. He found that as long as he himself could set the pace, he was actually quite fine with being intimate.

He brushed his fingers experimentally over a nipple, noting the moan he was requited with to be a very pleasant sound. He pulled his hand back nonetheless to rest it at Kaworu's collar bone, gently stroking the sensitive skin with his thumb, his other hand resting at Kaworu's face.

Shinji just felt one of Kaworu's hands slide a little higher, under his shirt, when the door swung open.

"Breakfast's ready, I thought you -"

Dead silence. For a second, Justus just stared at them, Shinji and Kaworu staring back like deer caught in headlights. Then, Shinji jerked back violently, managing to fall off the bed in the process, while Kaworu instinctively pulled his knees close. Justus hastily shut the door again.

"I just wanted to say that you can come down for breakfast," they heard his muffled voice from outside. "... If you want to," he added, apparently thinking that perhaps they deemed other activities as more important. Footfalls on the corridor.

"No, we - we're coming," Kaworu shouted back, hoping his father would still hear. Looking at Shinji, he just realized the slight ambiguity of his words.

Justus, as he went down, still trying to process the recent events - he had figured that maybe some day, such a moment would happen, but he had always imagined it would be a girl with his son - almost flinched when suddenly, broad laughter sounded down into the hall. With a sigh, he continued on his way into the kitchen.

"Next time," Kaworu snorted, feeling strangely light-headed, "we'll have to lock the door."

"Uh-huh." Shinji nodded ferociously. "Three times." He buried his face in the bed's cushions. "I'll never be able to look at your father again!"

"You think _I_ will?" Kaworu leant back against the wall. "You can at least go home, I have to stick around here."

Shinji sighed, then picked up his clothes from the former day. Following his example of getting dressed, Kaworu stood and chose some clothes from his wardrobe.

"Uh, Kaworu?" He looked at Shinji who was just fumbling with his shirt, apparently about to take it off. "Could you - could you turn around?" Kaworu didn't answer, but just smiled and did as he was asked.

Down in the kitchen, Justus absent-mindedly stared out of the window, sipping his coffee. Although he had spent a long time of his life in Japan, he had never been able to give up his coffee for tea. Concerning his eating habits, he was way more German than Japanese.

Letting his thoughts travel back to what had just happened, he felt heat in his face - but that could also be the coffee's swirling, white steam that curled up from the cup in his hands. _"You really mean a lot to each other, don't you?" ... "More than you could imagine."_ Looking back at it, he had really been rather inconsiderate to just enter without at least knocking at the door. It wasn't like he hadn't known... But although Shinji had put it rather discreetly without failing to make obvious what he meant, he hadn't really been prepared for this.

Kaworu had been alone for over three months. Come to think of it, just how far _had_ they gone already?

Feeling silly because he was probably the only father on earth thinking about his son's virginity when Kaworu was clearly old enough to be responsible for what he did, Justus set his cup down with a sigh, just when the door opened. Collecting himself - he was an adult, he was at least supposed to be mature about things such as this, and it wasn't like any of them could involuntarily get pregnant - he looked up, nodding towards the other two place settings on the table.

"Morning," he saluted level-headedly. He noticed with slight amusement that both Kaworu and Shinji looked around like they expected the drawers to spring open and being attacked by the kitchenware. Both mumbled their greetings and sat down, keeping a distance that they apparently deemed decent to have in Justus's presence. He sighed.

"I'm not going to rip your heads off, alright?" he said and they looked up in a synchronous movement. "Just..." Justus picked up his cup again. Somehow, he felt safer when he could hide his face behind it at the right moments. He began to wonder who was really more mature here. "Safety first, okay?"

He quickly brought the cup up to his mouth and took a sip, wondering if Shinji would actually faint because he looked just about to.

"Papa!" Kaworu exclaimed, a furious blush spreading on his cheeks.

Justus nearly choked on his coffee at the familiar name that he hadn't heard in... what was it? Eight years? Nine? Apparently realizing what he had just said, Kaworu hastily rose to busy himself with making tea.

"You want some tea, too?" he asked Shinji, making a point of not looking at his father.

Shinji just nodded. Feeling the need to loosen the tension, he looked around. "May I ask where your wife is, Nagi - Justus? I haven't seen her yesterday and..." He let his gaze travel over the table that was set for only three people.

Justus smiled at him. Okay, so they were going out and... doing things... but he liked Shinji, and he was glad he brought up another topic. "She's at a friend's, she'll come back this evening."

"I see," Shinji said, retracing the tablecloth's pattern with his fingertip.

Sensing the talk dying off again, Justus searched his mind for something to say for some conversation. He wasn't particularly fond of the awkward silence that already began creeping into the kitchen again. "You play the cello really well," he remarked, taking another sip of coffee. "Not that I'm an expert, but it sounds very beautiful."

His words did have the desired effect - Shinji looked up, into his eyes, and smiled. "Thank you."

"Here." Kaworu sat down next to Shinji again, handing him a cup. He was rewarded with a smile and a quiet "thanks". He moved his chair over a little - sitting apart so far really felt silly and rather awkward and if his father couldn't cope with it, it wasn't his problem. Somewhere inside, he felt a little guilty for having thought the latter, but still... _He_ hadn't left his (rather hypothetical) son to himself when he had most needed his father. But somehow, Kaworu found that the thought didn't make him feel quite as cold anymore as it had before. Against his will, he found that his hurt negation had actually lessened a little. Brushing the thought aside angrily, he concentrated on eating.

The breakfast passed without any notable events - although Kaworu secretly regretted not having a camera to take a picture of his father's face when he licked a bit of marmalade from Shinji's hand, accompanied by a heavy blush on the brunet's part - and the two boys retreated into the living-room afterwards because Kaworu had persuaded Shinji to play the cello again.

Shinji was relieved. Although apparently Kaworu's father still had to get used to the idea of him and his son liking each other in a way that could also be rather physical, he didn't seem to have particular problems with it. Of course there was still a whole lot of awkwardness about it - like they didn't have their own awkward situations to manage! - but that, he guessed, was normal. Parents probably just tended to be like that.

----------

Nathalie stirred her cappuccino, looking listlessly down at the foam swirling about in a spiral in the cup. The porcelain was hot against her fingers, but she paid no attention to it.

Why were the old thoughts coming back again? Why did she suddenly feel like it had been just yesterday when she had left Germany to come here, to live in a foreign country that didn't mean much more to her than being her husband's home country?

It wasn't like she hadn't grown used to it by now - she spoke the language fluently, reading gave her only sometimes slight problems and she had come to know other people. She had grown accustomed to the life with Justus that was so different from her old one.

When she had told him that she was expecting a baby, he hadn't even tried to deny he was the father or shrug off any responsibilities. He had decided to stay in Germany - it was still half a home to him, seeing that he was only half Japanese - and asked his firm to transfer him to the German branch and that was it. She had really grown to love him, come to appreciate all the little things about him that she hadn't even noticed during their little, well, adventure.

Kaworu... She knew she ought to care for him, to love and cherish him. But when she had looked at him, it had always felt like looking at the child of some stranger, that you think is nice and well-grown, but not yours to care for. She had made a therapy, had even stayed in a psychiatry, had gone through hell... And barely made any progress. Justus had never reproached her because he knew it was a disease, an illness that she couldn't change by the mere knowledge that it was wrong and bad what she felt. Even though she had always known that she thought and felt things that she shouldn't, or rather, didn't feel what she was supposed to, she hadn't been able to really heal. She'd thought she'd go mad if another doctor, another friend tried to penetrate her mind, change her around, change what they - so she was sure - secretly condemned her for - change what she herself had no control about. The mere idea of people twisting something in her head that she herself could not police was more frightening than the knowledge of the disease and she had gradually shut herself off from the world.

So it had come that she hadn't even noticed her husband's suffering. How he had suffered from her disease, from feeling responsible for Kaworu all alone. That had been when Nathalie had decided to make the same sacrifice he had made for her. She had decided to go with him to Japan, had learnt the language, had learnt about its culture and people. She had even made yet another therapy and for once, she had felt affection for her son, the small boy that reminded her so much of his father every time she looked at him. Convinced of doing the right thing, they had moved to Japan.

She hadn't known that it was all supposed to get worse.

She had felt lonely in that country that was so different from her home, among people she didn't know, surrounded by words she was still far from mastering. Justus had been her center then, her calming influence, in his arms the only place she felt truly at home. And her illness had suddenly bubbled up again, surfacing from depths she had thought to have overcome. She had begun being jealous of Kaworu, of her own son, and although she knew that, again, she was having feelings that she shouldn't, she didn't have the strength to cope with yet another therapy. As time passed by and she came to know people, even made some friends, the feeling had withered but looking at her son she found that he had grown to be a teenager and held no affection for her - a revelation that was no surprise to her. Not daring to look into his eyes again, feeling she had failed as a mother and as a human, Nathalie had only built more walls around herself.

Only Justus knew just how much she suffered. She couldn't show it to others, least of all Kaworu who seemed to hate her - rightfully, she thought.

"Nathalie?"

Sachiko was there, kneeling in front of her suddenly, looking up at her. She looked shocked.

Nathalie numbly raised a hand to her face. It was wet. She was crying.

----------

"I'm back." Kaworu was standing in the doorway to the living-room, his hair dishevelled by the wind and hands that had run through it in a rather ardent goodnight kiss. He had just come back from bringing Shinji home and his skin was still cool from the cold air outside.

Justus looked up from his drawing and smiled. "That's good." For a moment, there was silence as they just looked at each other. "Don't you - don't you want to sit down?"

Finding no real reason not to, Kaworu shrugged and sat down at the table, looking at the sketches spread across it. Some showed landscapes, others animals, some people, and one... He couldn't help but admire the devotion to detail and liveliness that the picture showed, the boy's mouth curving in just the right way, his head tilted ever so slightly. Kaworu gently ran a finger over the sheet's corner.

"You like it?" Justus asked with a knowing smile. Kaworu gazed at the familiar face smiling up at him from the page's surface. "It's not really accurate, I'm afraid - I don't know him for long yet and I'm not sure if his nose -"

"It's beautiful," Kaworu interrupted him in a whisper. He felt the desire to retrace the lines with his fingers, but he knew that they would probably smudge in the process, so he didn't.

"Do you want to have it?"

Kaworu stared at him, at the picture, back up again. "If I may...?"

"Of course." Justus looked at the picture briefly. "That's the reason I drew it."

Kaworu's throat felt rather dry as he watched his father bend over his current drawing again, beginning to shade a horse's forehand, giving the strong muscles plasticity. He felt to be at a loss for words until he suddenly remembered what he probably should say now.

"Thank you," he said quietly, still staring at the picture in awe. Justus just smiled, adding deeper shadow to the horse's shoulder.

There was silence again as Kaworu watched the animal come to life on the piece of paper, rearing gracefully. Thinking of something to say, Justus progressed to the hind legs that were bent with the weight of the majestic mare.

"Has Shinji forgotten his clothes at home?" he finally asked, cross-hatching a muscle's shadow on the horse's flank. "He was wearing a shirt of yours."

Kaworu stayed silent for a while. What was he supposed to say now? Some excuse? The truth? Something in between? "It's his now," he answered at last.

"So?" Justus quirked a brow, but kept his eyes fixed to his drawing. Seemed like they were at exchanging clothes already.

"Papa?"

That made him look up. "What's it?"

Kaworu fumbled with his sleeve. "Do you promise me you won't dislike Shinji if I tell you why?"

Justus frowned. Just where was this heading? "I guess," he said slowly, unsure.

"Shinji, he's - he's..." Breaking off, he pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them, and rested his chin on them. "He's homeless, papa."

He could feel the distraught stare of his father, sense his shock. It would better be about the fact that such a wonderful person as Shinji could still maintain his shy, loveable nature throughout several years in the streets and not out of disdain about his son getting involved with him.

"Homeless?" Justus repeated tonelessly, not knowing what to feel or say or think.

"Yes," Kaworu concurred in annoyance. "He lives with a bunch of other kids - I won't tell you where."

"Of course not," Justus mumbled. He felt slightly numb. He didn't think bad of the boy for that, but he would never have guessed...

"I'll continue to see him, I don't care what you say or think about him," Kaworu went on, feeling already like he had made a mistake by telling his father. "And I -"

"Kaworu," Justus interrupted him and his son looked up defiantly. "I won't forbid you to see him or anything because of that." He smiled lop-sidedly. "I guess I couldn't, anyway."

"Damn right," Kaworu muttered, but he felt a little less angry with himself. Still... It hurt. Shinji had always just been Shinji, adorable and shy and the most important person to Kaworu. He lived in the old factory with Asuka and Touji and Kensuke and was like a brother to Yuichi. Calling him "poor" or "homeless" made Kaworu feel like a traitor because he had never really seen Shinji as that. Those words suggested pity and he didn't pity Shinji. Pitying him would mean that he regarded his life as pitiable which would have been inconsiderate and nasty and something Kaworu would never do to him.

Something inside his chest hurt and only after some moments did he realize that it was his heart. He sniffed, hiding his face deeper behind his crossed arms, pulling his knees closer. "I want to help him, papa," he said, noticing that his voice was strangely thick. "I know that he isn't unhappy with his life and tries to make the best of it and that his friends are really the best he could wish for, but he deserves to have a real home and a family and..." He trailed off, not knowing how to express himself. The factory and the gang _were_ home and family to Shinji, how did he, Kaworu, dare to say he wanted him to have something else? Just how could he explain it to his father if he himself didn't even know what he thought?

But for the first time in his life, he felt like his father really understood him because he merely nodded and said quietly, "I see." There was a pause. "Why is he so important to you, Kaworu?"

The question was sincere, not of the "Why do you bother being around someone like that" kind and Kaworu found that it was an easy one to answer - and that he felt not ashamed in the least for saying it out loud. "Because he's special."

"... And?"

Kaworu looked aside, his face sinking even deeper behind his crossed arms. "And because I love him." He tilted his head aside slightly and closed his eyes as he felt a blush cover his cheeks. "Sometimes I have the feeling that I've been born just to meet him."

"Then tell him," was the simple answer.

Kaworu smiled lop-sidedly. "You have that from Shinji."

"... You eaves-dropped."

"So what if." Kaworu shrugged defiantly, fumbling with his sleeve again. He must have adopted that habit from Shinji already, he figured.

Silence ensued.

"Papa?"

"Hm?"

"That photo you made of us..."

And although it felt a little bittersweet, somehow, life was good again.

**If this isn't a masterpiece of fluff, I don't know what is. Mush, mush, mush. **

**I'm sorry if I put you off last chapter by asking for comments - I should stop that, I got as few comments as never before OO" But I had hoped for some more opinions on what I do because I want to improve, you know. **

**Anyway, the bit concerning Nathalie is very, very important to me. She's not a bitch who said to herself, "Let's bash our innocent baby", but a woman who has a real problem. There really is such a disease, albeit I don't know the name, and I can barely think of something worse happening to a woman. ****(Except rape etc.) **

**I also want to point out again that of course Kaworu is not like he is in the series - this Kaworu is no angel, he has no hidden knowledge and no secret wisdom. He also doesn't randomly sit around on stone statues because he has nothing better to do. He has a life and parents and has not been bred in a laboratory. I think that makes a significant difference. **

**Besides, I notice that the use of "papa" sounds very child-like in English (to me at least) while in German, it sounds more normal to hear from a teenager. Hm. **

**I also know that the surroundings of my story are **_**not**_** very Japanese. I decided that I really don't know enough about Japan's culture and people to make it convincing, so please bear with me if I slap the "Japan" label on the world I portray because it's just necessary for the story. If this were a serious book or something, I wouldn't have done it, but I focus more on the interaction between characters and that's clearly my priority in whatever I write. **


	15. Kiss Connection

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Kiss Connection**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 15/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,954**

**To all my "special" readers. There's no real song recommendation for this one, so choose what you like. But I think I remember listening to "Feeling good" and "Sway" by the Pussycat Dolls while writing - I'm not completely sure, though.**

_Shinji had fallen asleep long ago, snuggled against his side, when Kaworu was still lying awake, looking at his face with absent-minded tenderness while his thoughts were far from resting. He didn't really know what to make of what he had heard today while eavesdropping. He had gotten the resin quickly, he knew well where it lay after all, and the music room wasn't so far off. _

"When Kaworu was born, it turned out that Nathalie had a mental disease..."

_A disease. Why had he never known? Why had they always kept it secret? Did they think he wouldn't be able to cope with the truth? He was not stupid, he would have much preferred an explanation, any explanation, instead of what his relationship with his parents had always really been like._

_With a small moan, Shinji stirred, blinking slowly a few times in apparent disorientation before his eyes focused on Kaworu. "Kaworu?" he whispered sleepily, rubbing at the corner of his eye. "What is it?"_

"_Nothing," Kaworu whispered back and ran a finger along Shinji's nose before deciding with a sigh that turning the words over and over again in his head would not result in anything new and that he should probably better sleep now. When Shinji had cuddled up to him with his head resting beneath his chin, Kaworu pulled the blanket over them both again and, to his pleasant surprise, the warm weight of Shinji's body that curved cozily into his own helped him fall asleep rather quickly._

----------

Kaworu ducked as a sponge buzzed past him and sighed. Those who always said that school was fun and supposed to be the happiest time of your life - which you, of course, would only then realize once it was over - were probably some survivors from the last war who'd never been at a real school and now spent most of their time drooling and playing bingo. To Kaworu at least, it was no fun. At all.

He sighed and flipped through his Latin book. They had five minutes break until Maths. Oh, hooray. Accusativus cum infinitivo, ablativus absolutus, infinitive constructions, hyperbaton, participles... With another deep sigh, he shut the book again. No thinking now, thank you very much. He stuffed it into his bag.

Pulling open the zipper of his pencil case, he pulled out a piece of glossy paper. It had really been worth asking his father for a reprint. And, somehow, it hadn't surprised him that he had already had one, giving it to his son with an amused smile.

Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, Kaworu felt his mouth curve slightly as he looked at the photograph. He had always thought it'd be typical for a mother to take pictures of her son and his friends when fallen asleep on the couch, not his father. But as long as he had it, it didn't matter who had taken it.

"Awww, now what's this?"

He looked up as a high, sneering voice spoke up and the picture was plucked from his hand with well-manicured fingers. He turned.

Eyeing the photo of Shinji and Kaworu, Mariko's carefully painted lips curved in a derisive smile. "How cute. You and your boyfriend, Nagisa?" Mai and Yoko, flanking her sides, giggled.

"Give it back!" Kaworu jumped up, grabbing at the picture, but she pulled it back quickly.

She sneered. "Your sweetheart, hm?" She laughed, waving the photograph. "Wouldn't have trusted you to have some taste, Nagisa. I mean, too much of a softie for me personally, but... Looks like a good catch to me." She ran her eyes over the picture again, quirking a brow in cogitation. "I bet he screams in bed."

"Don't talk of him like that!" Kaworu shouted and then it didn't matter that suddenly all eyes were on them because he just wanted to throw a chair into her stupid, make-up-caked face. He snatched the picture from her fingers. Mariko made sure to shove her elbow into his side before he could turn around. Instinctively, he pushed back. She gave a dramatic squeal. That stupid... Kaworu was sure that his thoughts probably deserved to have a big, red _CENSORED_ sign over them, but he really didn't give a damn.

"HEY!"

Kaworu barely had time to slip the photo into his maths book when he was roughly grabbed by the shoulder and turned around. Masuyo's face was mere inches from his and it didn't look particularly irenic.

"You messing with my girlfriend or what?" he growled, jerking his thumb over his shoulder in the vague direction of Mariko.

"Teach her when to shut her trap and I don't have to," Kaworu replied coolly, but was hindered from pulling back by a hand clutching at the front of his shirt. The next thing he knew was a dull, throbbing ache in his face and a very prominent white pain at the back of his head as he stumbled back, hitting the desk behind him.

----------

The metal glinted in the pale morning light, its silhouette dark against the window that welcomed inside the brightness. Asuka turned it over in her fingers. It had been more than three months since Shinji had had it. Since it had rested against his thigh. Since she had first taken it into her hands again, the leather belt still warm.

She had given it to him so he could protect himself. How ironic. While carrying it around with him, he had found himself someone to protect. Secretly, she wished he had shot him. He had certainly frightened Shinji at first? Frightened him of what he might do? Call the police or something? But he hadn't.

It was only natural Shinji liked him. Kaworu was good-looking, ridiculously rich, intelligent, disgustingly kind-hearted... And he was even friendly to her when she so openly showed her disdain towards him. No wonder she hated him.

She laid the gun's barrel against her breast. She wondered what would be if she just shot now. She'd be dead, yes. She didn't really want to die. So Shinji probably had a crush on Kaworu. Yes. Probably. But she didn't want to die. She wasn't so weak.

Dropping the weapon onto the floor, she rolled onto her side.

A crush.

Asuka Soryuu Langley didn't believe in fate or destiny. She wasn't so sure about love at first sight, though.

----------

"You can be glad that I'm not very much like my grandfather," Justus said, starting the motor. "Brawling like a small kid..."

"I didn't brawl," Kaworu grumbled, pressing the ice to his face. That was going to be a bruise.

"So?" Justus looked at him out of the corner of his eyes.

"I didn't even get the opportunity," Kaworu went on disgruntledly. "That idiot knocked me pretty much out before..."

"Okay, okay, okay," Justus interrupted him. "I don't need the details. So what was the reason? I may not be a story-book father, but I know you well enough at least to say that this is not usual for you. What did he do?"

"It was because of his girlfriend."

Justus raised a brow. "His _girlfriend_? Don't tell me you're cheating on Shinji already?"

"Nonsense," Kaworu growled, shooting him a venomous glance. "She was... talking about Shinji. And she took the photo."

"You had it with you?"

"Always."

Justus felt an amused smile appear on his face as Kaworu went red. "Ah." He looked over at his son again. "And you got it back?"

"Of course," Kaworu huffed.

"Just asking." Justus drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"Kaworu - please. You wouldn't get yourself into trouble like that because she said 'nothing'."

"You're very keen on that whole father-son bonding thing, aren't you?"

"Don't try to distract me. What did she say?"

"Nichts, wofür ich nicht ihr dummes Gesicht -"

„_Kaworu._"

... „She said she's sure he screams in bed."

Justus rolled his eyes. "And you almost got your head cracked open for _that_?"

Kaworu huffed. "She has no right to talk about him like that!"

"Even if so, do you think Shinji will be happy to see you like that?"

"Maybe I'll get some 'get better soon' kisses..."

"I'm serious." Kaworu rolled his eyes and Justus sighed. "I bet kissing hurts with a bruise like that all over your face."

... "Sometimes I wish we wouldn't be talking to each other again."

"Love you, too, son."

----------

His skin had gone sore already from sitting on the rough, cold stone for so long. The old wall was completely covered by the thicket in places, but in this spot there was enough space for someone to sit. Namely, Shiro.

He didn't even know why he had come here. He just knew that he needed some time alone. And that all the old, unwanted memories were coming up again. But what the cause to that was, he had no idea.

----------

When Shinji turned up this afternoon, he was welcomed at the door by Justus - who, complying with a quest of Kaworu, didn't let him know that he knew about his homelessness.

"Come in," Justus saluted, gesturing him inside.

"Hello," Shinji greeted, taking off his jacket and shoes. He still felt a little uncertain around Kaworu's father, but liked him nonetheless and had even come to the decision that he probably was just as trustworthy as Kaworu. Almost.

"Well, have a look at our wounded hero," Justus announced as he opened the door to the living-room where Kaworu was sitting and reading.

"Huh?" was all Shinji managed to say before his gaze fell onto Kaworu and he was next to him in a split-second. "What have you _done_?" he exclaimed, staring at the bruise that adorned Kaworu's left cheek and reached up almost to his temple, and the bandage wrapped around his head. "You look like you've been _brawling_..."

Kaworu gave his father a look of annoyance when Justus grinned, as he thought, in a manner that should be illegal for parents. He cut the flood of worried words from Shinji off by engaging him in a kiss, not before giving his father a defiant look.

Justus rolled his eyes and, with a sigh, left for the kitchen. He needed some coffee. Switching on the coffee machine, he sat down. The door opened.

"Hallo, Maus," he greeted with a smile. He knew just how big a sacrifice moving here had been for her, so he had always kept at least her pet names in the language she had had to leave behind.

"Hello." She poured them both a cup of coffee and sat down.

"Have you seen Kaworu already?" Justus asked, sipping at his cup.

"No," she answered, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Not a lot," he said, tilting his head. "Except that he's been brawling for his boyfriend." The next moment he felt the need to bang his head into something. He hadn't meant to let it slip. Oh, _damn_...

Looking at his distraught face with amusement, Nathalie took a sip from her own cup. "Ah. What did they say to Shinji?"

He goggled at her. "You _know_?"

"Justus, please." She set her cup down. "I may be the worst mother in the world, but I'm not stupid. I've seen them sleeping on the couch and they aren't exactly making a huge effort to keep it secret, snogging right in front of the window when I'm in the garden. They didn't notice, but still." She looked aside. "I guess it's better if they don't know."

He laid his hand over hers, stroking it with his thumb gently. "Maybe you could still make up with him somehow."

She pulled back. "I can't, Justus," she muttered, her voice trembling slightly. "He hates me. It works out with you two because you always loved him. But I've never been more than just the obstacle between you and he won't forgive me for that. I failed as a mother."

Justus moved his chair over and pulled her into a soothing embrace.

In the living-room, Shinji and Kaworu were still occupied with each other. Shinji made a point of not touching Kaworu's head or bruise, afraid that he might hurt him. There were other places to touch, and he was trying to see what different kinds of sounds he could get out of him. It was fun.

Remembering where they were, however, Shinji reluctantly released Kaworu's mouth, enjoying the way he panted a little. Fun. "I don't really think your living-room is the best place to make out, Kaworu," he breathed in a mixture somewhere between a whisper and a moan, feeling slightly distracted by the gentle sucking at his neck.

With a sigh, Kaworu pulled back. "I guess you're right," he agreed resignedly. Then, an impish smile appeared on his face. "My bed is way better!"

"Idiot," Shinji muttered, rolling his hips against Kaworu's a little. He was rewarded with something that was vaguely similar to a mewl. Smiling, he got up. Another delightful sound to add to his list.

----------

For four weeks, life was delightfully normal - as normal as it could be for Kaworu and Shinji, at least. They spent as much time as possible with each other, basking in corny, couple-ish happiness and doing whatever they had done the past months they had known each other, talking, enjoying music, making out, going for long walks when the weather allowed it - as soon as Scraps had recovered so far he could go with them again, they began taking him to the park again.

The puppy had gradually grown stronger, its health recovering from the virus, and soon it made excessive explorations throughout the house, excited about its "new" inhabitants - namely, Justus and Nathalie.

Scraps quickly decided that he liked Justus. Justus had a deep, soothing voice and gentle hands that soon found out where he liked best to be scratched. But no matter how many merits Kaworu's father might have - the puppy's greater affection belonged to the boy's mother.

It was a mere coincidence, an unexpected and rather unspectacular event, but it had consequences.

It was a Tuesday and Justus was out, meeting some business partner in the city, while Kaworu was at school. Nathalie just came back from shopping, bent slightly under the weight of the heavy bags with food. She had just stowed away most of their contents in the kitchen cupboards and the fridge when a quiet scraping sound made her look around until her gaze fell onto the small figure just in front of the kitchen door. The puppy wagged its tail briefly, pleased with the discovery, and made some steps into the room, its talons scratching over the tiled floor.

Nathalie crouched, holding her hand out towards the small animal. "Hallo, Kleiner," she greeted quietly, letting it take its time to shuffle closer. A cold, wet nose nudged gently against her knuckles and she slowly opened her hand, then ran it cautiously over the puppy's head, following its spine across its back until at last the short tail slid smoothly through her fingers. It was wagged enthusiastically at this caress and she repeated the gesture a few times over, allowing a small smile to appear on her features. "Gefällt dir das?" she asked tenderly, the syllables smoothly rolling off her tongue. The puppy didn't understand, but it liked the tone and pressed its head into the woman's palm. It hadn't seen her often yet, but its sensitive nose had picked up by now that she was related to one of the boys. It could certainly trust her.

"Was machst du denn hier unten?" she continued her interrogation, watching Scraps close his eyes in delight as she scratched his favourite spot right behind his ear. "Ganz alleine! Hast du's die ganze Treppe runter geschafft?"

And from that moment on, she felt like the puppy was her secret confidant. When she was alone, she would often go and talk to it, feeling a strange happiness talking to someone in her beloved mother tongue without having to give any reasons.

She refrained from telling anyone, though - she felt like Kaworu wouldn't be happy to know that she had made friends with his pet, the one that he probably deemed as a sign of rebellion against her. He surely loved his puppy and saw it as more than that, but she had the distinct feeling that she was invading another part of his life that he didn't want her to take part in. Scraps belonged to him and to Shinji and he was probably right in wanting to keep her out of it.

The only thing that he maybe did notice was the puppy's joyous reaction when it saw her, but he probably did not think much of it.

Kaworu's thoughts really were occupied with other things. The upcoming holidays, for example. He was probably getting single-minded, but holidays meant that he could spend the time that he usually wasted at school with Shinji.

It was his idea to make up for the eating out that they had shelved back on Shinji's holiday. They decided on Italian - the lasagne that Justus had made some weeks ago had convinced the brunet that it would definitely be worth a try. He had rarely eaten out with his parents and after joining the gang, the chances of doing so were of course even worse, so he was excited when he and Kaworu left for the city.

Justus watched as they sauntered down the gravel walk in front of the house, holding hands, and then vanished around the corner. He smiled knowingly and when he saw his reflection in the window, he thought that he had really become a father. It was the kind of smile that he had always seen on his own father's face and that he had always thought only parents could have - looking at the next generation, nostalgic recognition in their face.

"It's kind of cute, isn't it," he mused, leaning onto the window sill.

"Huh?" Nathalie looked up from her coffee.

"Kaworu and Shinji," Justus went on, sitting next to her and nodding towards the window. "Our baby's grown up and has his first boyfriend. Aw." He grinned and took a sip of coffee. "I think I'll be able to cope with the lack of grandchildren under these circumstances."

Nathalie smiled a little. "I won't complain either," she agreed, but then her face grew unhappy again. "I've done enough damage than having to spoil this for him by thinking bad of it."

"Nathalie..." Justus kissed her brow, running a hand through her long hair. "Stop it, yes? We both know what's happened and that it's not your fault and that it's in the past."

Secretly, Nathalie thought that that was exactly the point - that it _was_ her fault and it wasn't over yet just because it had been in the past. But Justus was making such an effort to cheer her up that she didn't dare to protest. Closing her eyes, she leant in for a kiss.

Justus felt warm. It had been a while since mama and papa had had some fun...

----------

Shinji let out a frustrated sigh as the spaghetti slipped from his fork for what seemed like the thousandth time. There was a _reason_ he had always preferred other pasta... That Kaworu seemed to find it all very amusing didn't help particularly.

"Thanks for your great support, Kaworu," the brunet mumbled, poking his noodles like they were going to move and throttle him at any moment. He was rewarded with a nudge against his ribs.

"If you start sulking now, I'll go," Kaworu threatened, but his jesting tone gave him away and he pulled the fork from Shinji's fingers, rolling up some spaghetti on it smoothly. He held it out to the brunet. "Say, 'aaah'."

Shinji looked at him, at the pasta, then back again. "Kaworu," he said, a blush tinting his cheeks, "what are the other guests going to think?"

Kaworu shrugged. "That you're too stupid to eat yourself, that's what they're going to think," he said simply and felt very pleased with himself as Shinji laughed.

"Then I don't mind being stupid, I guess," Shinji mused, opening his mouth obediently with a demonstrative 'aaah'. Kaworu grinned. Really, he'd have to take him out more often. It was fun.

When they were finished, the waitress came over and took their plates. When passing their table, she had looked all the time like she was suppressing a grin upon seeing them, so Shinji thought, and he silently wondered why. That boys were rather fond of seeing two girls together was known to him, but the other way round? Weird.

She returned shortly afterwards, setting down a cup with three scoops of ice cream. When Shinji and Kaworu looked at her in puzzlement, the waitress winked. "This one's on the house," she said and bustled away, leaving them with only one spoon. But they didn't bother enough to ask for another one.

When they finally left after paying, it was already quite dark outside and although Shinji protested at first, Kaworu insisted on accompanying him home. "It's what you just do after taking your girl out," he explained and was rewarded with a nudge in the ribs.

----------

Shiro stirred at the sound of the door creaking as it was opened from outside. The hall was very dark, just barely lit by the dull light coming inside through the roof lights. It was night. He looked to his left. The corridor at which Asuka's room lay was very dark. He must have fallen asleep here, at the top of spiral staircase. Now that he thought of it... He _had_ been here when they had sat around and... talked. Had fun. Or something. He must have dozed off.

He was just about to let out a curse about no one waking him when there was a sound down in the hall. Footsteps. A quiet thud as if someone leant against the door. His interest spiked, he looked down. And stared.

Although the room was poorly lit, he instantly recognized the shock of bright hair. That had to be that friend of Shinji's, Kaworu. And he was leaning someone into the door, apparently kissing that someone rather heatedly. Shiro frowned. Asuka had gone to bed by long and he hadn't really noticed her getting friendly with Kaworu. But whom would he be snogging here if not Asuka?

A quiet moan as the other figure apparently pulled back a little from the kiss. "Kaworu, someone could see," a familiar voice whispered, but it was in a tone that gave away that the speaker didn't really care.

"I thought you said that you're all going to bed when it gets dark," the slightly deeper voice of Kaworu replied, breathe quickened slightly.

"Yes, but... hmm..." Shinji's words were cut off as the other boy leant in closer again to silence him with a kiss and Shiro felt a slight vertigo rise in his chest up to his head when there was a muffled moan. Trying not to make any noise, he got up and retreated quietly into a room at the back of the factory. Some mice hushed away as he flitted inside, closing the door behind him. Then, he couldn't hold it anymore and his legs gave way under him.

Clutching at his head, Shiro tried futilely to keep the images he had kept locked up so long out of his head. He wanted to scream, but all that left his mouth was a dry sob that echoed off the cold concrete walls and died away unheard.

----------

**Just in case anyone's wondering what Nathalie says to Scraps: **

"**Hello, little one." **

"**You like this?" **

"**What are you doing down here? All alone! Have you made it down the stairs all on your own?"**

**I spent the weekend in Vienna to go to a lolita meet-up and it was fantastic. Not only the German lolitas are wonderful, but the Austrian ones as well. And a street artist costumed as Mozart really took a fancy in me and started singing and kept me in place for photos and stuff -lol- **

**So... Thank you all very much for the comments again, they're lovely. **

**I like Justus. Yes, I really do like him. And Nathalie. It's fun writing them. It makes me happy.**


	16. Runaway

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Runaway**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 16/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,724**

The wind tugged at his clothes as Kaworu went home. It was cold, but he could still feel his cheeks glowing with the excitement of what had happened mere minutes ago.

Making out at the factory... He must have gone mad. Someone could have seen or heard them. Something could have gone seriously wrong. But, fortunately enough, it hadn't. Plus, and he blushed at his thoughts' shamelessness, the feeling of doing something dangerous hadn't only made them both oddly light-headed, but also shaped up as being quite a turn-on.

He quickened his steps up a little. Even though they were making out now, it still felt a little wrong to think of Shinji like that. Well, Shinji also liked him back in a physical way - but he still felt like he shouldn't think quite as much about his body as he actually did.

Although one might suspect different, more than just kissing and touching rather innocent places had yet to happen. Taking Kaworu's shirt off had been as far as Shinji had actually dared to go and as long as the brunet didn't take the initiative... Well, Kaworu was used to being patient. Somehow, it made him feel bad - that he'd have liked more than that when Shinji apparently did not. What was he, a hormone-steered idiot?! ... Maybe he shouldn't say that so jokingly because he really began to feel like it.

But fortunately there was more to their relationship than physical attraction and he could wait. There was more with Shinji to enjoy than kissing and making out. Kaworu trusted him to let him know when he wanted more than what they shared at the moment. Which was already quite a lot.

The hall was warm and welcoming as he stepped inside. He sniffed. It smelt faintly of coffee. After taking off his jacket, he decided to look where his parents were. Somehow, he felt at peace with himself and the whole world. Weird what a relationship can do to you.

They weren't in the kitchen. Well, maybe in the living-room...

They were in the living-room indeed. Upon entering, he didn't see them at once, but when he did, he froze in an instant. They had fallen asleep on the couch, Nathalie snuggled up tightly against her husband, a blanket draped over them, but from what he could see, they... weren't wearing anything.

He hastily retreated, trying not to wake them or draw any attention to himself. Up in his room, he let himself fall onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He'd never again be able to sit on the couch without having to think of that.

It was weird, but it was the first time, despite knowing how he had been born, that he fully realized his parents had been or, so he knew now, were doing the same things as he and Shinji. Being fond of each other so much that you want to physically feel the other one close to you. It was probably like that with most children - imagining your parents having sex is something you just don't or can't do. They're mom and dad and love pretty much only you, or at least you think so until you discover that there's more to it. That there's a reason they came together in the first place. That their lives don't resolve solely around you.

He had never thought their lives resolved around him, far from it. He had always imagined they were so much more important to each other than he was to them. Lately, his way of seeing himself and his surroundings had definitely changed. But he had never known...

He couldn't help but wonder if their feelings for each other resembled what he felt for Shinji. Could that even be possible? Did _Shinji_ feel exactly the same as he did? He was sure Shinji's displayed affection for him was genuine, but was it even possible that two human minds could ever really feel alike? He wasn't really sure. On one hand, he would have liked Shinji to feel just as he did, with most of his life suddenly seeming to circle around the other one, liking him so much it almost hurt - but on the other hand, it was a nice thought that Shinji might feel his very own kind of fondness for him, something no one else in the world felt, and that it was aimed at him, Kaworu. That he was the reason for it.

He sighed and turned onto his side. Really, love was complicated business. Even if your significant other says straight forward the three famous words, you can never know just what exactly they feel. Because you are separate beings. Because you can never be truly one.

Kaworu stared at his reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. Back stared a boy that felt like having discovered a secret of life, beautiful and terrible at the same time.

----------

A week had passed since he had seen Kaworu and Shinji in the dark hall, and Shiro was doing his best not to show anything. He tried to think of how nice Shinji had always been, of how he always treated Yuichi like a small brother, how he had come back from the night's raid and miraculously provided them with money that had made their life a lot better for a considerable span of time.

But it all was slowly becoming too much for him to bear, his nightmares got worse with every night and soon he was afraid of sleeping at all, with the result that he barely rested, spending his nights lying awake while trying to keep the images out of his head. He had lived several years without them, he had managed to keep them locked up, keep them out, keep them away...

"Shiro?"

He flinched violently, then looked up. It was Yuki staring down at him, seeming worried. The other boy sat down next to him, his legs dangling over the roof's edge.

"What's up with you, Shiro?" he asked, his voice full of concern. He was Shiro's closest friend and vice versa, but he didn't know more about his past than anyone else in the gang. "You're so miserable lately. You don't eat, you don't sleep - don't look at me like that, of course I noticed! - and you look like you're going to drop dead any moment. What's it?" He put an arm around his shoulder - but it seemed to be the wrong thing. Shiro jerked back violently, pushing his arm away, and got up. Staring at Yuki, he made a few unsure steps backwards before he turned and ran. Yuki stared after him, bewildered and hurt and worried. What was up with him...?

Shiro didn't turn until he was a good kilometre away from the factory, then he just let himself drop to his knees. Shutting his eyes didn't help anymore, the pictures were right there, in front of his eyes, blocking his vision until everything around him reflected what he dreaded so much like shards of a broken mirror.

He screamed.

----------

She looked through the clothes rail a final time, but discovered nothing else that she deemed worthy to spend her money on. Thus, she went to pay. The clerkswoman gave her a curious look - must have been her appearance. It always was her appearance that earned her stares.

She paid and left, purposefully ignoring the woman's gaze that seemed to be glued to her. She was used to staring. She had never cared.

Outside, it was cold enough to make one wonder when the first penguins would turn up, but it didn't snow. Somehow, it made her sad. She liked snow. Snow didn't ask questions and was quiet and patient. Snow was nicer than people.

Once at home, she slipped out of her shoes and laid the bag down in the corridor, making her way into the kitchen. She put the kettle on - tea. She liked tea. She liked its color and scent, and the way you have to be careful when drinking, so as to not burn your tongue at first.

The tea was bitter. But it was warm.

----------

"Why can't I stay up with you?" Yuichi asked with a pout, looking at Shinji with a pleading look like only children can do it.

"Because you're too small and you have to go sleep now," the brunet answered patiently, fishing the battered teddy bear out of the covers and handing it to the smaller boy.

"I'm not small," Yuichi protested. "Look, my tooth is getting loose already!" He pointed at his mouth, opening it wide. Shinji smiled and ruffled his hair.

"One more reason for you to sleep now," he said. "When you sleep, tomorrow comes faster and then the tooth falls out faster, too."

"And then the tooth fairy comes?"

"Sure she does." Shinji nodded. "But only if you go sleep now."

"Okay." Without further arguing, Yuichi snuggled under the blanket, pulling it up to his chin. Shinji smiled and got up. He was almost out of the room when Yuichi spoke up again.

"Shinji?"

"Hm?" The brunet turned, one hand at the doorframe.

"When you come sleep, can I sleep in your bed with you?"

"Sure."

A smile.

The hall was dimly lit by candles they had set onto the floor. Over the course of the last months, they had barely ever used any so they had decided to just stay up longer today and keep the cold out with chatter and laughter. So far, it worked just fine and even though it was slightly chilly, it felt like they didn't freeze quite as much in their worn-out clothes and battered shoes as they usually did during this time of the year.

When Shinji re-entered, Touji was just pretending to be throttling Kensuke. The brunet quirked a brow, but just laughed with the others. When you live a life like that, you don't ask for someone to repeat the joke - you laugh as long as the opportunity is there because you don't know when the next one appears.

With a grimace, Kensuke rubbed his neck and nudged Touji in the ribs when he finally let go of him, but he didn't look too disturbed and instead smiled. They all knew that you just have to keep laughing and pretending.

----------

"Kaworu?"

Kaworu looked up as the door was opened. It was his mother in the doorway, holding two cups of tea.

"I made some tea and thought you'd like a cup," she explained and Kaworu was slightly surprised to find her talk with the same shyness that Shinji used to have around him at first. Paying great care to every word, every gesture, trying hard not to do anything wrong.

He just nodded, taking the cup from her fingers. She sat down on the chair next to his desk after moving it over a little.

He had been sitting on his bed, absent-mindedly looking at the photograph of him and Shinji, feeling a little lonely. He had nothing to do and when looking at the picture of Shinji sleeping soundly next to him, he wanted to have him here badly. He was _really_ getting single-minded.

Nathalie looked at the picture and smiled a small, knowing smile. "You really like him."

Kaworu slipped the picture under his pillow. "Yes," he said simply, looking at the opposite wall. Nathalie sighed and stood. When she was at the door, she turned around again.

"If you want to keep it secret you two better don't snog in front of the window when I'm in the garden," she remarked quietly before closing the door behind her.

He stared at the place where she had been mere seconds before, thunderstruck. She knew. She knew that he and Shinji were going out. She had seen them make out.

But... she hadn't seemed angry or anything. Was it light-headed to believe she didn't care? It was even easy to believe she didn't care.

Brushing the topic aside, he laid back on his bed. He wouldn't think of that now. He shouldn't care what his mother thought on this. ... He shouldn't. He tried to focus his mind on the fact that he was going to go to the public aquarium with his father tomorrow. Justus had suggested it because it was a Saturday and Kaworu was really looking forward to it.

He had grown used to being on friendlier terms with his father again, he even quite liked it. Only now did he realize how much he had missed him over the course of the years. And Kaworu liked the aquarium. Fishes were beautiful to look at and the atmosphere in a aquarium was always nice. He didn't eat fish himself - what an irony that he lived in a country where fish is what you get most! - but he liked the animals when they were alive.

It would be that whole father-son thing again. And he found that he didn't really mind.

----------

"Does anyone have something we could give Yuichi?" Shinji asked when there was a small pause where no one said anything. That earned him curious looks - he tilted his head sheepishly. "He's losing a milk tooth and I promised him the tooth fairy would come by." He sighed.

"Asuka could dress up and sing something," Shotaro suggested, grinning at Asuka who made a rather rude gesture in his direction.

Yuki patted Shinji on the shoulder. "You're really making an effort with him," he said appreciatively. "I bet you'd make a good dad." Shinji smiled, but blushed and stayed silent. _Dad_.

"To be a father he'd have to start dating girls first," Shiro remarked and there was silence. There was something in his voice that made it clear he wasn't just making a joke about Shinji's shyness. The brunet frowned at him, puzzled. "Well," the blond went on, "you can't have kids with your beloved Kaworu, can you?"

Dead silence. The others stared at them.

"What?" Shinji finally managed to get out, but his voice sounded feeble in the silence.

"Don't try to deny it!" Shiro made a vague gesture in his direction. "I've seen you two!"

Akira stood. "What are you talking about?" he asked, but Shinji had the feeling it was dawning on him what this was all about.

"Making out!" Shiro continued, his voice rising to a kind of panicked shout. "Right here in the hall, snogging him like the next girl..."

Shinji stayed quiet. He had never truly been able to handle outright conflicts. He had always stuck to being silent and waiting until it would be over. Inside him, he felt like something had broken. This had to be some nightmare...

Akira looked at him. "Is that true, Shinji?" he asked quietly and the brunet could feel the others' shocked stares on him - weird, how he still managed to notice clearly that Asuka, Kensuke and Touji were not staring, but looking at the floor instead. _They knew already_, he realized somewhere in the back of his mind. He said nothing. He still looked at Shiro, but had gone very pale.

"And I slept in the same room as you!" Shiro's voice was full of disgust and he made a step back as if afraid Shinji might spit venom at him any moment. Shinji noticed absent-mindedly that he was fumbling with his sleeve hectically, never letting go of his wrist. Funny, that they had the same habit of pulling at their sleeves when upset or nervous. But inside, he could not find it funny in the least. He just felt cold. "I don't want to know what else you've been doing here with your stupid faggot when he came by and -"

"DON'T YOU TALK OF HIM LIKE THAT!"

Everyone flinched at Shinji's sudden outburst. He stormed past Shiro, pushing him aside coarsely. In front of the door he stopped for second, as if hesitating, but then he pulled it open and vanished outside. A cold gust of wind rushed inside, snuffing out one of the candles.

The silence was grave and oppressing as everyone stared either at Shiro, who was breathing heavily, or at the door that closed with a deafening thud. Finally, Touji rose.

"What was that for, Shiro?" he asked, not quite able to keep his voice level as he spoke through gritted teeth. Shiro stared at him like he had gone mad.

"I -"

"Shinji!" A high, excited voice made them all turn around. "My milk tooth has fallen out, Shinji, look!" Yuichi stopped as he was welcomed by stares and silence, a tiny white object held between his small fingers. Sensing that something was wrong, he looked around.

"Where's Shinji?" he whispered.

----------

Nathalie sat down with her book and a cup of coffee in the living-room where Justus was drawing again. Taking some time off had definitely been a good idea. She couldn't take all her beloved books with her when they were travelling. Justus looked up briefly and smiled at her before delving into his drawings again.

It was very cozy, sitting in the dimly lit living-room while outside rain pounded against the windows. It was not weather to run around under the skies, but it was weather to sit inside with a cup of something hot and just be idle.

She had barely read a few pages when the bell rang. She looked up. "A little late," she remarked with a look at the clock, but she got up nonetheless, gesturing Justus to stay put. She'd take care of whoever wanted to come by now. She wasn't as good with people as he was, but she wanted to make him feel that he could rely on her just as much as the other way round.

She pressed a button at the interphone. "Yes?"

The voice answering was feeble and almost drowned out by the wind's howling. "It's me - Shinji. Can I - can I come in?"

Frowning slightly, she answered. "The gate's open."

Nathalie couldn't help but notice that Shinji looked miserable. He was soaked from head to toe - no wonder without even a jacket on! -, his cheeks were streaked like he had wiped his face with his dirty fingers repeatedly and although his whole skin was wet, she couldn't shake off the impression that he had been crying.

"What's happened to you?" she asked, frowning, not knowing whether to show her consternation openly or not. The boy didn't answer, he just stared aside. Sensing that she wouldn't get a reply out of him now, she inwardly gave a sigh. "Wait here a moment, I'll get you some clothes from Kaworu... You can't run around like that, you'll catch a cold." With that, she flitted out of sight and Shinji just stared after her. He felt numb. After what felt like mere seconds, she came back, a small stack of clothes in her arms. "You know where the bathroom is, right?" He just nodded and, with a quiet "thanks", went off, vanishing in the corridor.

Nathalie looked after him. She had never seen him so apathetic. She went up to Kaworu's room for the second time this evening. Remembering to knock at first, she waited until there was a muffled "yes?" before opening the door. Her son was lying on the bed, apparently reading.

"What's it?" he asked, frowning slightly at her sight.

"Shinji's here," she said, inwardly feeling amused when his face twisted in a grimace like he couldn't decide whether to be confused or delighted. "I've given him some of your clothes because he's all soaked." She nodded towards the window where outside the rain was still raging. Kaworu was past her in a second and she gave a small sigh as she closed the door again.

Kaworu sat down on the couch in the hall, wondering why Shinji might have come by at this time. It was so late already... He surely couldn't go back to the factory now? When it was so late? When there was a storm outside? He couldn't help but secretly look forward to having a sleepover again, with Shinji snuggled against his side, feeling warm and heavy and safe.

When the brunet stepped into the hall, however, all thoughts of that kind were wiped from his mind. He was wearing dry clothes that Kaworu recognized as some of his own, but his hair was still wet, clinging to his skin, and his face was very pale. He sat down next to Kaworu and, without a word, put his arms around him tightly.

"Shinji, what's the matter?" Kaworu asked. It disturbed him that the brunet was so quiet, that he just clung to him without saying anything, his skin chilly against Kaworu's. Instead of an answer, cool lips pressed against his neck briefly before kissing him. Kaworu just noticed how very quiet it was indeed, it felt to him like the whole world had just stopped. Then, finally, Shinji spoke.

"This isn't wrong, is it?" he whispered, mouth very close to his ear and Kaworu shuddered slightly. "It's not wrong what we're doing, right?"

Kaworu pulled back a little, staring at him. "Shinji, who said that?"

Silence again. Obviously, Shinji wasn't likely to tell him now. Kaworu just pulled him into an embrace again. The brunet's breathe was slightly ragged, he noticed. Somehow, he wished that Shinji would cry, shout, get angry, something, but not be so awfully quiet. He could have handled all that, but not his silence.

After what seemed like a small eternity, Shinji's breathing evened out and Kaworu figured he must have fallen asleep. His skin felt a little warmer now.

Justus stepped out of the living-room, looking mildly surprised at seeing them. Kaworu gestured him over. "Could you - could you help me bring him upstairs?" he asked feebly, blushing. At that very moment, he wished he had been some inches taller and strong enough to carry Shinji up the staircase all alone, but as it was, the brunet was just barely smaller than him and after having a long and rather stressful day, Kaworu didn't feel that he would manage getting him up into his room on his own.

Fortunately, Justus just nodded.

----------

**Phew - drama. Was it to be expected after so much fluffiness in the last chapter? **

**Also, SoG is nearing its 100th comment - wow! That's really a lot. **

**There's going to be a lolita meet-up in Cologne in one or two weeks - I'm excited! Considering that I haven't met anyone for years, I'm at meetings very often lately, am I not? 3 meet-ups in 6 (or 7) weeks! **

**Plus, Jasper Fforde is made of 20 kinds of awesome.**


	17. Heart's Crash

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Heart's Crash**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 17/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,007**

"Can I sleep in your bed with you tonight?" Yuichi asked, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Yuki looked down at him and found pleading eyes looking back. Yuichi didn't understand why Shinji was gone, he just knew that he wanted him back and, thank you very much, right now. No one, not even Shiro, had dared to tell him why Shinji wasn't here now.

_Shiro... _Yuki felt something twist in his guts. Shiro was his best friend, but he couldn't understand, didn't even want to, why he had said all that. So Shinji was gay... So what? Yuki really couldn't bring himself to care. And it was his best friend's fault that Shinji, whom Yuki really liked a lot, had left for who-knew-how-long. He couldn't help but feel the guilt that Shiro should have felt instead.

Suddenly, he didn't even want to go back to the others into the hall.

"Okay," he said. Yuichi smiled.

In the hall, none of them noticed that Yuki didn't return and instead shared his bed now with a small boy and an old teddy bear that were used to the warmth of another body. After Touji had gone rather loud with him, Shiro had said some last, nasty words before vanishing somewhere into the back parts of the factory. Asuka had retreated into her room as well. Now, the others were still sitting around, trying to really grasp what had happened some minutes ago.

"Well," Naoki said finally, "that explains at least why he just wouldn't get it on with Asuka. He's not really into boobs."

"And if you don't shut your stupid trap now," Touji growled, "I'll show you what _you're_ not into."

There was a brief silence.

"Sorry," Naoki mumbled. Touji sighed. He knew that he had probably just been trying to loosen the mood up somehow, but... not like that. Really.

----------

Kaworu gently ran a finger over Shinji's brow, retracing the bone's shape. The brunet, albeit sleeping soundly, moved a little and Kaworu pulled his hand back. He didn't want to wake him. With a sigh, he stood and, after whispering "Good night", left, closing the door behind him.

Down in the kitchen, he put some water on to boil. He needed some tea.

"Is he asleep?"

The deep voice of his father made him turn around, but then he busied himself with the tea again. "Yes," he answered simply, putting a teabag into the cup. He actually preferred tealeaves, but didn't feel like making the effort now. Waiting for the water to get hot, he slumped down onto a chair, resting his chin in his hands. He looked up as a hand ruffled his hair.

"I don't know what's up with him," he said unhappily.

"Hasn't he told you?" Justus asked quietly, setting his cup down onto the table. Coffee. The scent wafted over to Kaworu. It smelt bitter and sweet and warm. He shook his head.

"Not a word," he answered.

"Hm." Justus looked at him for a long moment, feeling compassion for his son. He knew how much Shinji meant to him. He liked Shinji himself. Having him turn up in the middle of the night, looking totally miserable, and then not saying a word... It was disconcerting, yes. "And you have no idea what could have happened?"

Kaworu stayed silent at first. _"This isn't wrong, is it? It's not wrong what we're doing, right?"_ He _had_ an idea. But as long as Shinji told him nothing himself, he wouldn't voice any suspicions. "... No."

He got up, taking the kettle from the hearth. Pouring the hot water into his cup, he felt his father's gaze at his back, probably guessing his thoughts. Not his suspicions, Justus hadn't heard Shinji's words; but probably he could guess that Kaworu knew more on the matter than he said out loud.

"What's with tomorrow?" he asked, taking a sip from his coffee. "Would you rather stay home under these circumstances?"

Kaworu set the kettle aside, paying attention to not burn his fingers. The metal was hot. "I don't know," he answered indecisively. "I can't leave him alone like that, can I?"

Justus nodded slowly and stared into his cup like the dark brown liquid would give him the answers he searched for. Then, he looked up. "Why don't you ask Shinji to come with us?" he suggested, taking another sip. "Maybe some distraction will do him good. And if he doesn't want to, we can still stay here."

He was taken aback slightly when he was suddenly hugged, but he smiled and patted Kaworu's back. "Thank you, papa," Kaworu murmured, feeling mushy and... not caring in the least for it.

"You're welcome."

----------

Shinji woke at dawn, opening his eyes slowly to discover the room being illuminated with diffuse, pale light that made everything look soft and gentle. The ceiling above him was white, albeit the light was giving it a slightly bluish tint.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the remembrance of the evening before streamed back into his consciousness, but he tried to keep it out. He didn't want to think of it now.

Turning onto his side, he found that he was alone in the bed. There was no one to snuggle up to. Kaworu must have gotten up already. Had he even slept here? Shinji couldn't remember. He must have fallen asleep in the hall. From then on, he had no recollection of what had happened.

When he turned to his other side, however, the mystery of Kaworu's sleeping place was solved. The other boy was sleeping on a mat on the floor, his face turned towards Shinji, mouth opened slightly. The brunet could, despite everything, not suppress a small smile. He reached out to gently brush the back of his fingers over Kaworu's cheek, letting his fingertips travel up to his temple before pulling back again. Corny as it might sound, at that moment, Kaworu looked more like an angel to him than ever before.

Shinji ran a finger over Kaworu's ear again when the other boy stirred and a hand moved up to gently take the brunet's. A kiss was pressed to his palm and he blushed a little because, somehow, despite the situation, it made him think of how he'd have liked to lie on the floor next to him now, with Kaworu on top of him, kissing his mouth instead of his hand.

"Morning," Kaworu murmured against his skin, red eyes blinking open slowly.

"You slept on the floor," Shinji said quietly, enjoying how warm Kaworu's hand was on his.

"M-hm." Kaworu made a sound of sleepy confirmation before trailing some more kisses across the brunet's knuckles.

"You shouldn't have," Shinji murmured, but somewhere inside, he felt that he wasn't all that sorry. It had been Kaworu's own decision and if he hadn't wanted to wake him, Shinji, he would just be thankful for his care, not accusing. Although he thought that he wouldn't have minded waking with Kaworu closer to him.

"I'd have woken you up," was the matter-of-factly reply and there was another kiss on his wrist, followed by a short, gentle sucking. Shinji felt his breathe hitch briefly at the sensation.

"Who told you I'd care?" he said quietly and gingerly returned the mischievous smile that was the only answer he got. Kaworu sat up, not letting go of his hand, and the brunet leant forward a little. Shinji was sure that never anything had tasted sweeter than the faint flavour of toothpaste on Kaworu's tongue. Giving in to the feeling, he slid his arms around his neck, pulling him closer, daring to turn the gentle kiss into something more aggressive.

Maybe he was acting like a defiant kid, sitting here, making out with Kaworu when that was what had brought him here like that in the first place, but... He didn't care, he didn't want to care. At the moment, he just knew that he wanted this so much it hurt.

There was a knock at the door and Shinji reluctantly released his mouth, but Kaworu only pulled back ever so slightly. "What's it?" he asked loudly and Shinji felt some weird kind of proud satisfaction as he actually panted a little.

"Can I come in?"

It was Justus's calm voice that answered, but Shinji smiled at his cautious undertone. The last time he had come into Kaworu's room without knocking, he had run in onto them making out. The morning after his sixteenth birthday, that had been. It seemed to be an eternity away.

Kaworu leant forward, pressing another warm kiss to Shinji's mouth before letting go and Shinji pulled his hands back with a sigh. "Alright," Kaworu said.

The door opened and Justus peered inside. Shinji thought he could probably guess what they had been doing seconds ago, their hair dishevelled, faces flushed and breathe just calming down again, but even if he did, he didn't show.

"If you want to," he began, "you can come down, breakfast's ready." He looked at Shinji. "And then I'd like to ask you something." With that, he turned and closed the door behind him.

Shinji gave Kaworu a puzzled look. "What does he want to ask me?" he asked, confused.

Kaworu just smiled. "You'll see."

It took them a little time to get down into the kitchen, not least because they stopped in the corridor - the incident involved some more reasons to make their faces flushed - and when they entered, Nathalie and Justus had already poured themselves two cups of coffee, two more with tea set next to each other on the table.

"Good morning," Nathalie greeted and Shinji was taken aback when she smiled. It was a small smile and disappeared quickly, but it made him feel warm inside. Maybe she was really making an effort to get on friendlier terms with Kaworu again...? He wished for it so badly. He was sure that they both deserved it.

"Good morning," he replied shyly. Come to think of it, he had never really spoken to Nathalie. They had exchanged a few words sometimes, but there had never been real talk.

The breakfast was rather uneventful and quiet. Shinji knew that they all were wondering about his sudden appearance, about what had happened, why he had turned up like that. But he, on the other hand, tried to think of the previous day as little as possible. This morning had been all nice and corny up to now, but now he wondered how he could have let himself go like that. First he had made not only Kaworu, but probably also Justus and maybe even Nathalie worry, then he had acted like there were no greater issues on his mind than involving Kaworu in a make-out session every few minutes, and he still hadn't given them any answers. He suddenly felt like an intruder in the family that ever so slowly seemed to grow together again.

"Concerning what I said upstairs," Justus said when he had emptied his cup of coffee, and Shinji looked up, suddenly fearing what the question might be, "we, that is, Kaworu and I, actually planned to go to the public aquarium today and I wondered if you want to come with us...?"

That left Shinji speechless for a moment. He opened his mouth, shut it again. He figured that this had to be something rather personal for them both, spending more time with each other again for the first time, and he felt guilty for maybe intruding on it.

Sensing Shinji's discomfort, Justus made an appeasing gesture. "You don't have to if you don't want to, of course," he said hastily, "it was just an idea and I thought... well..."

"If it is really alright with you, I would like to come, too, very much," Shinji said sincerely and he was glad as he was answered with a smile.

"Then it's settled," Justus said in good humour.

They left an hour after breakfast and Shinji was surprised to see that, apparently, Nathalie would come with them. Justus smiled mischievously as he noticed Shinji's slightly dumbfounded expression and nudged him lightly with his elbow. "If you're allowed to go with your girl, I am too," he whispered audibly and Shinji laughed as a moment later, Justus was nudged in the ribs with a scandalized "Papa!".

At the aquarium, Shinji noticed that Kaworu was always close by, rarely more than a few meters away, and he was unsure if he was embarrassed or just thankful. This should have been something between Kaworu and his father alone...

He laid a hand against the cool glass panel. The water basin was huge and the aquarium's unlit corridors and rooms were bathed in a bluish glow that made everything feel slightly unreal. He followed a small shark with his eyes. It seemed weightless, curving so effortlessly through the water above him, its glassy eyes always wary of its surroundings.

Two hands sneaked around his head from behind to cover his eyes. "Booh!" He laughed.

Watching them, Justus smiled. "Kaworu's really making an effort, isn't he," he said, averting his eyes to look at a clownfish that darted in and out of an anemone. Nathalie nodded. "I wonder what's up with the boy. He doesn't strike me as someone who likes drama, so something serious must have happened." Nathalie squeezed his hand.

"You're worrying about him almost as much as your son," she remarked.

Justus sighed. "Maybe."

Kaworu stayed close to Shinji, always around to make some joke or point an interesting fish out to him when he was getting suspiciously quiet again. He knew that he didn't have to play the great protector and that Shinji, if it came down to it, could look after himself - the brunet had survived in the streets just fine without him to bustle about for several years, after all -, but maybe he just wanted to prove himself that he, Kaworu, could take that task just as well. It was somehow very satisfying to make Shinji know that he could rely on him.

After a while, however, Justus suggested getting something to drink and, gesturing Kaworu over, he sauntered off to fetch something. Kaworu, despite his efforts to keep Shinji occupied and from brooding, really wanted to spent some time with his father and, after ruffling the brunet's hair apologetically, followed Justus. Shinji could understand all too well, this was supposed to be some father-son thing - he couldn't be disappointed or something now, he didn't begrudge them their time alone. He was a little uncertain being around Nathalie all alone, though. Again he remembered that they had never really spoken to each other.

He lapsed into silence. With Justus and Kaworu around, making obvious efforts to distract him from his troubles, it had been easy to keep up the happy facade and not think of the previous day.

"You like it here?" Nathalie's words were more matter-of-factly than an actual question and Shinji, after giving her quick glance, nodded.

"I like fish," he said simply, looking at a purple tang. Its bright yellow tail fin made a sharp contrast to the rest of its body. "They look nice. And it's so calm in aquariums."

"I see." Her eyes followed a lionfish, its translucent fins flexing in the slight current as a small group of guppies passed by. "Kaworu likes you a lot," she remarked, watching the fish turn sharply to avoid the glass wall. Shinji blushed. So she probably knew as well. He wondered how many else people were going to tell him that Kaworu liked him once they got the opportunity to talk to him alone.

"I know," he answered, looking aside, pretending to watch a small brown seahorse. Nathalie was sure he was blushing.

She smiled ever so slightly. "I'm sure you do."

"It - it doesn't bother you...?"

With a sigh, she made a step back. "Why would it? You succeeded where I failed."

Shinji did not know what to respond. He wanted to say something reassuring, something nice and comforting, but he found he didn't even know enough about her to do that. Feeling slightly heavy somewhere around his heart, he stayed silent.

----------

Shinji took a sip from his tea. It was hot and the taste lingered heavily on his tongue. It felt surreal, too good to be true after the previous day, sitting here next to Kaworu on his bed, drinking tea and just being silent. After their visit to the aquarium, they had gone for a walk with Scraps and the puppy was lying on the back in its basket now, legs akimbo, snoring softly.

Shinji set his cup aside. "Kaworu?"

"Hm?" Kaworu looked at him. Shinji leant against him, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

"Thank you."

Kaworu just smiled before leaning in closer and kissing him. Shinji wrapped his arms around his neck and leant back, pulling him down with him. He enjoyed the feeling when he buried one hand in his hair. Kaworu's hair was always soft and the most delightful thing to play around with.

Kaworu had to admit that their current position was rather suggestive - and he didn't mind, really. Shinji's touches were warm and inviting and when there was a hand gently undoing the top three buttons on Kaworu's shirt, he was sorely tempted to just dismiss all former restraint and let this go further than he had dared to before. Of course he had always held back unless Shinji signalled him to do otherwise, but the brunet didn't seem to mind now at all...

Shinji frowned slightly as Kaworu pulled back. After all his timidity, after shying away from it for so long, he was for the first time really sure he wanted this... And with that barrier gone, he felt like he'd have wanted it right now. Why was Kaworu, who had always seemed much more certain regarding this topic, so hesitant now? At the same time, Shinji felt guilty for moping now. Kaworu had given him all the time in the world, and now he, Shinji, was sulking because of this slight hesitation? What sorry excuse of a boyfriend was he? Dismissing the thought, he looked up at Kaworu.

"Don't you want to tell me what's up with you before we go any further?" Kaworu asked quietly, brushing a strand of hair out of Shinji's face. Shinji sat up abruptly, staring aside, and pulled back. "Shinji, please..." Kaworu sat back, running a hand through his hair. Maybe it would have been easier to ask if they hadn't started on this before. "I want to know what's wrong with you. I want to _help_ you. But I can't if you just shut yourself off." He laid a hand to the brunet's cheek and, finally, the blue eyes looked at him and with a sigh, Shinji moved a little closer again. Kaworu smiled and ruffled his hair before waiting expectantly for him to begin.

It was not a nice story and Shinji halted a few times, obviously ashamed for even repeating what had been said the evening before. Kaworu felt cold. The gang was Shinji's family, had been his only friends for several years. Being told something like that into his face must have been like some betrayal of trust after spending so much time with them, especially Shiro whom Kaworu had always seen as slightly hot-headed, but not nasty like that. In addition, Shinji had basically no idea how the rest of the others thought about the whole matter - seeing that there were a lot of people not too tolerant about this kind of thing, Kaworu could understand that he was afraid of the maybe hurtful truth.

When the brunet had finished, Kaworu hugged him briefly. He could only guess how much it had hurt him. "What are you going to do now?" he asked quietly.

Shinji shrugged. He looked a little lost, sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest. "I don't know. I'd like to stay with you."

Kaworu smiled lop-sidedly. "Shinji, you know that's not possible." Apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say and the brunet eluded his touch.

"But why?" Shinji asked, frowning slightly. "I mean, I know we'd have to ask your parents, but I could get myself a job and of course pay the expenses for me and..."

"Shinji..." Kaworu found himself frowning as well. Was Shinji being serious? He couldn't be, he couldn't mean that... "Of course I'd like to have you here all the time, but -"

"Why don't you just say 'yes', then?" was the slightly angry reply. Gods, he was _really_ being serious... Kaworu felt the urge to pinch himself. This had to be some nightmare... Maybe he'd wake up soon and it would all be over and Shinji would be cuddled up against him, waking to discover they had fallen asleep after being at the aquarium.

"In case you didn't notice, you still have a _life_," he said, feeling himself getting angry as well. He loved Shinji, yes, but this was just plainly stupid and unreasonable. "You can't throw it away like that just for me!"

"So what if I tell you that you mean more to me than that life I didn't even want to have!" Shinji had got up and he was shouting now. Kaworu stared at him.

"Shinji, you don't mean that -"

"Don't tell me what I mean." Shinji made an unsure step back. "I thought you'd like to have me around." Damn, his voice was trembling now... He knew he was being unfair and stupid, but the realization that Kaworu wanted him to go back, wanted him to face Shiro and the others again, was enough to make him feel nauseous... He suddenly understood Asuka like he had never been able to before. Being angry is just so easy when you're hurt.

"They're your friends, Shinji," Kaworu began and Shinji stared, not knowing what to think. If only he wouldn't have said his name all that often.

"But Shiro called you a stupid faggot!"

Kaworu suddenly felt like that was what he cared about the least. Now, he just felt guilty. He was the reason that Shinji had run away from the people that had been his home and family for so long. It was his fault that Shinji was feeling so miserable. "Maybe I am," he muttered, staring aside.

There was a sharp sound and Kaworu's hand abruptly shot up to his cheek, a slightly burning pain spreading. He stared at Shinji. The brunet's hand was still raised, but he didn't look just angry anymore, he... looked like he was on the verge of tears. Kaworu had never seen him crying.

"I don't care if it doesn't matter to you," Shinji said quietly, and now his voice was really trembling, with sadness, with anger, with something that was undeniably tender and that made something inside Kaworu hurt. "But I won't let anyone stain you."

Kaworu felt numb. He stood transfixed in his place as the door fell shut with a loud bang; only then did he realize what had just happened and he plunged after him. Shinji was out of sight already and seconds later, he heard the front door opening.

"Shinji!"

He almost ran into his father in the hall and at his shout, his mother came out of the living-room, looking puzzled. Kaworu didn't care; all he saw was the door closing and that Shinji's shoes and a jacket were missing.

As he pulled the door open again, a gust of chilly wind blew past him and he shivered in the cold, but he didn't even notice. The brunet had just slipped past the gate and, after staring back at him for a split second, vanished into the dark beyond. Stopping was tricky on the slippery gravel and Kaworu almost crashed headfirst into the iron gate.

"Shinji! SHINJI!"

But the brunet was gone already.

----------

**Did this turn of the plot surprise you? I do hope so. **

**Yesterday, I've been at my 3rd lolita meet-up and it was great. We had a picnic and took photos by a graveyard (but not with actual graves!). I'm happy when I wear lolita.**

**I hope you liked this chapter. It is very important for the following plot and I'm looking forward to uploading the next chapters. It did take me some time to write the argument - Shinji and Kaworu just don't seem like the kind of couple who argue, do they? It was certainly a challenge, and I hope it hasn't turned out too bad.**


	18. Storm Inside

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Storm Inside**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 18/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,809**

**Decdication to Minako Angel for writing a wonderful 100th review. **

**Music recommendation is "If you are my love", track 11 on the 2nd OST from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle. It's practically the very essence of this chapter. For the Nathalie part, "Haunted" by Poe is also a good choice. It's Nathalie's song to me, through and through.**

Kaworu had always thought he knew what it was like to feel hurt, but now a kind of pain numbed him that was completely unknown to him before. He didn't know afterwards for how long he had stood at the gate, fingers closed around the bars in a futile attempt to gain some feeling of security, staring into the dark that had swallowed Shinji up.

He knew that running after him right now was of no use; he was wearing nothing on his feet but his socks and he was aware that he wouldn't get very far with them.

When he entered the hall again, the warmth did not seem welcoming and pleasant to him, but disgustingly sticky and suffocating. He felt that he couldn't stand being inside while Shinji was running around somewhere out there, feeling cold and at least just as miserable as he himself, if not more.

He took his jacket from the coat hook and put it on. He was vaguely aware of the presence of his parents, but at the moment, they weren't more important to him than the umbrella stand next to the door. He was more than occupied with his thoughts.

Justus watched his son as he slipped into his shoes and knelt to tie the laces. He and Nathalie had both heard Kaworu shout. He had seen Shinji's face as he had rushed down the stairs and hastened out of the door like his life depended on it. He didn't know what exactly was up, but he knew that _something_ had gone seriously wrong. And looking at Kaworu's face, he seemed not quite innocent of whatever was the matter. What Justus saw in front of him was a boy feeling guilty.

With a sigh, he picked his own coat from the hook and put it on, then reached for his shoes. This earned him a surprised look by Kaworu.

"You're coming with me?" he asked, stunned.

Justus nodded, slipping into his shoes. "Do I have any other choice?" he asked in reply and straightened up. "It'll be easier if there's two pairs of eyes looking for him."

Kaworu smiled very briefly, but it was enough of a thank you for Justus and he kissed Nathalie goodbye quickly before pulling the door open again. The wind was cold and biting on their skin, dishevelling their hair with spidery ice fingers, pulling at the hems of their coats. Shinji had grabbed one of Kaworu's jackets, and Kaworu was glad. Maybe the brunet would feel guilty for it some time, but at least he wouldn't freeze. Kaworu dreaded the thought of him sitting somewhere, wearing nothing but his pants and shirt and shoes. Yes, it was better that he had taken the jacket.

----------

When Yuki stepped out onto the roof, he found that there was someone already. The dark figure sat crouched onto the bordering wall, knees pulled close, staring out onto the city. Deciding not to retreat, he sat next to her.

Asuka gave him a quick side glance before staring ahead again. For a while, none of them spoke. The houses' roofs in the distance were basked in moonlight, covered in a silvery glow like some giant moth had passed over it, strewing silvery dust across the city. It looked cold and beautiful and made the shadows seem all the more black.

Yuki stealthily peered over at Asuka. He was used to seeing an angry or annoyed expression on her face, but now her features just seemed incredibly delicate and he felt the inexplicable desire to reach out and touch it. He hadn't ever seen her seem so fragile. And he had long ago begun to suspect that beneath her harsh words and bratty demeanour she was just one thing: lonely.

Like most of them, he had noticed that there was something between Shinji and Asuka, if only one-sided. And he was pretty sure that some time ago, Shinji had even returned those feelings. He could only imagine how it must have hurt her to see someone else condemn Shinji for what she felt she alone had the right to hate him for.

"It's cold, isn't it," he remarked quietly, rubbing his right wrist absent-mindedly. The friction brought warmth for some seconds, then he was just as cold as before.

"M-hm." Asuka merely made a sound of agreement, stubbornly continuing to stare ahead.

"He hasn't come back yet."

"_I know._" Her voice was cold at this, but he felt that she just wanted to make sure she wasn't fond of the topic now, it wasn't general negation towards him that she expressed. With a sigh, Yuki leant back, staring up into the skies that were cold and brilliantly clear and speckled with stars like diamond splinters.

They lapsed into silence again.

Yuki didn't really know what to say. Shiro was his best friend, _his best friend_, he had always thought he knew him better than anyone else, but... he had been wrong. Shiro had changed over the course of the last weeks and Yuki could only guess that it was his past bubbling up. He didn't know any reasons for why Shiro had run away from home, and he had never asked.

He flinched as Asuka suddenly pounded her fist onto the brick wall. There was a small cracking sound and he felt sick imagining that she had broken a knuckle or something. She, however, took no notice.

"It's so fuckin' unfair," she muttered and Yuki had the feeling she was talking to herself rather than him. "I did so much and got nothing and Kaworu just had to be in the right place at the right time to get practically everything." Suddenly, she laid back on the cold cement, and the pale moonlight poured over her body, turning her black turtleneck a gentle grey, outlining her breasts with silver edges. "I wonder what I should've done instead of what I did," she mused, her voice adopting an indefinable nuance between neutral and sad.

Yuki pulled one knee close. "Maybe bath in virgins' blood and all that?" he jested and, somehow... Asuka smiled. It was a lop-sided, small, self-ironic smile, but it was there and he found he couldn't help thinking that Shinji really had missed out on something. Remembering that he wasn't supposed to think what he just did, he ushered those thoughts out of his mind.

"I could start by slaughtering Kaworu," she mused, laying a thoughtful finger to her bottom lip.

"They haven't done it yet?" Yuki blurted out and covered his mouth with a hand just as soon as it was out. Oh, _damn_... He really hadn't meant to say that.

Asuka gave him an odd look. Weirdly enough, he wasn't even sure if she was angry. "I'm sure as hell not watching when they're getting it on, okay?"

"Sure," he muttered, looking away.

"The problem is," she said, suddenly sounding rather serious, "that I don't know if he's just having a stupid crush. Or more."

He stared at her. Asuka being honest? Talking about what she thought and felt and just... being like a rather average girl? He ran his finger along the furrow between two bricks. The cement was rough and grey beneath his skin. He felt vaguely reminded of a cat's tongue at the sensation. "Maybe it's really just a crush," he answered, but he felt like a liar when he said it. Shiro had said Shinji and Kaworu had been making out in the hall. Yuki was surely no expert, but he knew just how timid Shinji had always been - that he could be so casual around them and look after Yuichi like a big brother was the result of spending three years in a situation where you have to be able to trust each other completely. He was sure that if Shinji decided to let anyone touch him, to get serious with him, there'd have to be a more solid basis than merely a crush. And thinking of Kaworu, Yuki could imagine he had easily gained his trust.

"I shouldn't really care anyway," Asuka remarked, staring up at the stars. They seemed dull to her tonight. Yuki didn't answer. With a sigh, she stood. "_Gute Nacht_," she said quietly and left. He wasn't quite sure, but he hoped it meant "good night" or something instead of "leave me alone, you idiot".

----------

They had been searching Shinji for only half an hour now and barely finished looking through their own neighbourhood, but Kaworu felt utter hopelessness rise in his chest already, tightening his throat and hurting in his chest. Shinji knew the streets much better than he did, he was sure that if the brunet didn't want to be found, he would manage to. Kaworu of course knew how to get everywhere important in the town, but Shinji had spent several years getting familiar with the back alleys, the side-streets, the small niches between two houses that you would only then recognize as passageways when you knew they were there.

Suddenly, he felt this was all just stupid. It had been nice and everything by his father to go with him, saying that it's easier with two people, but in the end, it didn't matter. They wouldn't find Shinji tonight.

He leant his shoulder against a wall and ran a hand through his hair. Gods, if he just hadn't been so stupid in the first place, this wouldn't have happened at all. Why hadn't he waited for some better moment to ask Shinji for why he had come over? He imagined that if he hadn't, he and Shinji could maybe have been... doing things now. It had always been Shinji who had hesitated - although Kaworu had to admit that he himself was also anxious about the real thing -, so why did he himself suddenly stop when the brunet was obviously more than willing to go further this time?

Why did he think of that now, anyway, when in fact the only thing he should be worrying about was Shinji's heart, not his body? But, somewhere deep inside, he knew why. Because hiding behind your own physical attraction to someone was easier than facing the fact to have hurt them. And, really, it _did_ hurt, knowing that he had made Shinji run away. _Run away_. From him, Kaworu. A great boyfriend he was.

"Kaworu?"

He looked up. His father was looking at him and Kaworu detached his shoulder from the wall again. Justus said nothing about that. It had looked like a really serious thing to him, Shinji running out, obviously deeply upset, and if Kaworu felt miserable, he could understand.

"Are you sure he's not just back at - well, wherever he lives with his friends?" Justus asked, but Kaworu shook his head wearily.

"He won't go back now," he said and noticed with mild surprise that his voice sounded tired. Justus frowned slightly, but didn't comment on it. So it probably had something to do with Shinji's friends. "I - I don't think we're gonna find him." Kaworu's voice was resigned and Justus imagined he would probably rather be in bed now, huddling under his blanket, shutting out the world.

"Even if so," Justus said firmly. "I don't know what's happened with you two, but I know that he's been running out of our house and that he's been crying, so at least _try_ to go and sort it out."

Kaworu stared at him, his voice hollow as he spoke. "He's been... crying?"

"Yes," his father replied matter-of-factly, but his expression softened. He ruffled Kaworu's hair briefly. "It'll be alright, Kaworu. I mean, you mean a lot to each other, yes?" He wasn't surprised at all when Kaworu nodded. "There. I imagine you want him to come back?" The only answer he got was a look somewhere between annoyed and defiant. "I should think it's the same for him, so he'll come back. I'm sure, Kaworu. If you're so important to each other, you'll get over whatever differences you had there." He sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Are you sure you won't tell me what's happened?"

"Quite," Kaworu mumbled, absent-mindedly raising one hand to his cheek.

"Alright." Another sigh. Then, Justus turned. "Come. If we don't find him within the next hour, we won't find him at all tonight. So let's at least try."

And without a word, Kaworu followed.

----------

It wasn't like she hadn't tried to resume reading her book, but Nathalie felt restless and caught herself staring up at the clock or outside more than once. Finally, she shut the volume with a sigh and got up. This was no use. She couldn't just sit around here, doing nothing and trying to read about the romantic involvements of some fictional character when out there, her husband and her son were freezing and worrying and looking for Shinji.

Nathalie pulled her long coat from the hook in the hall and put it on. It was heavy and warm, the dusky rose lining hugging her body closely. The keys' jingling was inappropriately cheery when she locked the door and left.

----------

She had only left her apartment to clean her shoes. It was probably a weird time to do it, but she liked the dark, empty floors, the staircases. How it echoed off the shabby walls when she knocked the brush against the doorframe to get the dust out of its bristles. It made her feel like she was the only person on earth, and that the earth was listening to her when she was silent.

She was just scrubbing at a particularly persistent stain when a sound made her look up. There was a thud at the door, like something heavy falling against it. Something sliding down the wooden surface, landing saplessly on the doorstep.

She was not a very curious person, but she wanted to know what it was that kept the world from listening to her quiet work.

Putting brush and shoes aside, she went down the stairs, one hand sliding next to her on the rail, cooling down on the cold metal.

When she pulled open the door, her brows rose slightly as she looked down.

----------

Nathalie stumbled as she coughed violently, pulling her coat tighter around her body. Her face was glowing with heat and she felt vaguely dizzy. She had been having a cold already all day, but the bitter night seemed to have the desire to heighten her discomfort to another level, making her feel feverish and unwell. Beneath the woollen coat, her skin was covered in cold sweat.

She felt like the stupid heroine out of a movie she had seen back in Germany when she had been younger, when she had cuddled up with her friends in front of the TV with popcorn and gummi bears, making silly comments on the corny and rather unrealistic story. There had been a mother, too, and she had searched for the drug-addicted boyfriend of her daughter amidst a raging storm, suddenly having decided that her girl was not worthless and deserved a mother to be proud of. How she had laughed back then. But this was reality and it wasn't half as funny. It was cold and she was feeling sick and she felt like she just owed this to Kaworu, who had had to suffer under her failure, and to Shinji, who had made her son happy after she had failed.

Nathalie closed her eyes, just for a moment, just to be calmed down a bit by the soothingly white and soft sound that the wind made blowing past her ears, through her hair. However, there was not only white in the dark. A small, beady bluish chime.

She had no idea where Justus and Kaworu had already searched for the brunet and she didn't have a particular plan or strategy, either, so she agreed with herself to just follow the sound. Its blue reminded her of Shinji.

Nathalie followed what seemed like an endless line-up of streets and it probably really was. She kept her eyes to the ground, observing absent-mindedly how the pavement changed, from light to dark grey, back again, rough, smooth, rough, smooth, a checkered pattern in the flagstones. The houses flanking the streets had grown considerably and instead of one-family houses like in the city's outskirts where she lived herself, they were tall and grey and square. Somewhere up on a balcony, loud music sounded out of the open door, people laughing, the heavy beat pounding off the concrete walls, creating an echo that didn't leave her until she was three blocks away. In the night, someone sang, drunk, at an open window. Nathalie shivered. _It was so cold_...

This wasn't really a part of the city she liked to run around in at night, and she began to regret having followed a phantasm, some sound that was probably as much linked to Shinji as an opossum with indigestion. She congratulated herself on the realization.

But, somehow, she couldn't bring herself to turn. She hadn't often felt determined during the last years, since she had started a completely different life, and she wasn't sure if she really felt determined now - wasn't that what drove heroes to always go on and fight and stand in for what they do? she was surely no hero, she didn't know -, but there was something that seemed to pull her forward, that seemed to keep her going, if it only was the fear of not being able to look at Kaworu again if she didn't bring Shinji back.

Her heart, however, had not reckoned that her body would protest. Nathalie was filled with disgust at the thought that, when she was for once really sure she wanted and had to do something, she was hindered by something as trivial as a cold. A nasty, feverish cold, but still a cold. She coughed again and to her disdain, she noticed that the edges of her vision were blurry. Giving in to the impulse, she stopped for a moment to lean against the dirty, bricked wall.

Nathalie suddenly found herself on her knees, throwing up violently. Okay, so it probably wasn't just a cold... Or maybe a really, _really_ nasty one... Fortunately, she at least found a handkerchief in her pocket.

When she finally rose again, her knees were trembling a little, but she'd manage. She _had_ to manage. Looking at her watch, she saw it was past midnight. Had she been out so long already?

Her vision was becoming more and more blurry and before long, Nathalie dropped to her knees again. This time, however, not to have another fit. Something was lying on the ground in front of her. Something she knew. And on the dirty pavement...

"Oh, _Shinji_," she whispered.

----------

Kaworu had never been so glad to have his father. He felt miserable and hopeless and although his fingers were just defrosting again, he was sure that sitting around here was even worse than searching for Shinji outside. In the streets, he had at least felt like he had any chance of finding him, of telling him that, surely, they would find some solution, of just holding him and saying sorry. But there had been no sign of the brunet and now they were sitting here, on the small sofa in the hall, silent and waiting.

Kaworu stared at the wall blankly. When coming back, they had quickly noticed that Nathalie's coat and her shoes were missing. She was outside. Looking for Shinji.

A hand ruffled his hair compassionately. He didn't look up, but he leant against his father. His shoulder was warm and felt... safe. Kaworu suddenly felt like he was seven years old again. Justus laid an arm around his son's shoulders, but he stayed silent. He knew that even though he did his best to comfort him, what Kaworu really wanted was not his closeness, but Shinji's. His own thoughts were straying aimlessly, sometimes thinking of Nathalie, sometimes of Shinji, sometimes of something entirely different. It was not a comfortable situation.

Kaworu sighed, rubbing at the corner of his eye. He was drop-dead tired, but he felt like he couldn't just leave his father now. Going to bed, cuddling up under the cozy blankets while Shinji was somewhere out in the night, and not at least waiting with Justus for Nathalie to return, was not right. It didn't feel right.

He didn't believe that his mother would find Shinji. Deep inside, he really appreciated her effort, but he didn't believe in it. He was left to wait until the brunet decided to see him again. _If_ the brunet decided to see him again.

Running a hand through his hair groggily, he slightly shook his head. Shinji _would_ come back. He _had_ to. He had made it clear to Kaworu during his narrative of the evening before, that he didn't regard the factory really as his home anymore.

Kaworu felt like his insides froze when he remembered that he had negated his own, this house, as a home for Shinji. He had told him to go back. He had said that it couldn't be that Shinji stayed here.

He rested his forehead in his palms with a groan. _Idiot, idiot, idiot_...

As the door opened, it did so with a deafening bang, torn inside by the fierce wind that brought Nathalie with it. Justus was at her side in a second, supporting her because she looked like she was going to drop dead any moment. She was deathly pale, but to the touch her skin glowed with fever. Not knowing what else to do, Kaworu slowly got up, his limbs numb, and went over. He felt like giving a bitter laugh. Of course. No Shinji.

"You haven't found him," he said quietly, but he didn't sound accusing. He couldn't bring himself to do so. He didn't feel like accusing her because it would have been unjust.

Nathalie merely shook her head in silence, sensing her son's disappointment, but she slid a hand into her pocket. It had to be somewhere in there...

"I found this," she said and was shocked by how faint her voice sounded. The lace was torn and on one side of the pendant, the white lines were dyed red, the normally brilliant blue an ugly, brownish color under the blood.

For a moment, she saw Kaworu freeze, his face rigid, eyes wide and distraught. Then, before she could even try to say anything, she collapsed and just barely noticed Justus catching her before she slipped into unconsciousness.

The pendant fell onto the floor with a quiet clink.

----------

**Last week Scraps of Gold hit the 100 reviews mark - and I would like to (once again XP) thank you all sincerely for your great comments. You motivate me and you make me happy. And believe me when I say that SoG brightens my own Mondays up a lot. -gives out boxed sets of SoG plushies-**

**I hope this chapter was dramatic, but not melodramatic. It's always just a small step between those two, at least when you're me.  
By the way, I was surprised that no one commented on the fact that Nathalie and Justus had some fun on the sofa when there hadn't even happened something really with Shinji and Kaworu. I was terribly amused by the idea when writing. But maybe I just have a weird sense of humour.**

**I'm looking forward to getting my first lolita brand stuff soon - a headpiece and a hairbow by Innocent World. I love that brand! **

**And I feel a little guilty for doing all those nasty things to my characters -hugs them all-**


	19. Pale Perfection

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Pale Perfection**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 19/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,680**

**Dedication to Knuffelblau and Erdbeersorbet, my neopets. If anyone's interested, my name there is perfectlyberry.**

Listening recommendation is, again, "If you were my love". Also, "Morning Moon" is still a good choice. Also, "Arthur's Farewell" by Enaid for the scene with Nathalie. Just in case you're interested, "Beauty is within us" by Yoko Kanno and "Haunted" by Poe are Nathalie's theme songs, with the first portraying some important aspects of the relationship between Kaworu and his mother.

When Kaworu woke and the first thing he saw was the reflection in his mirror of what was outside, the world bathed in a pale, brilliant light, sharp and clear and beautiful, it seemed to him for a wonderful long moment that all was fine and he could just watch how the cold light turned warmer as the sun rose higher in the sky. Then, his gaze fell onto the two pendants lying on his nightstand and the moment was gone, world's perfection shattering like a mirror.

He buried his face in his pillow. Gods, no... But now the recollection came back and he remembered. When he had finally gone to bed last night, he had been so tired that his sleep had been dreamless and deep, not allowing anything to penetrate the little bubble of nothingness his mind had retreated into. But with his awakening, it had burst and all that he had been so happy to be oblivious of was back.

Kaworu turned to lie on his stomach and inhaled deeply. Shinji's scent still lingered faintly in the fabric. He thought back to the past evening. Weird, how vivid and sharp the memory was. He had kissed Shinji's collarbone, his nose at the crook of the brunet's neck. It had smelt the same, just way better because it was the real thing, not just a scent, almost faded away again.

It took him a long time to get out of bed today. For what felt like hours, he just lay there, staring at everything and seeing nothing. Thinking of Shinji. Having a terrible go at comforting himself somewhat. And he felt dirty afterwards.

Justus looked up as his son stepped into the kitchen, looking like he had just risen from the dead. It was a very quiet and very uneventful breakfast. Nathalie was still in bed and Kaworu had the notion that she probably would stay there today. He had left it to his father to bring her to bed last night, retreating into his room numbly. She had looked really bad, pale and feverish and sick. He had never seen her like that. It felt... off. Unsettling.

His father watched him in silence. He could understand Kaworu's misery. Yesterday evening, he had felt compassion for his son, but couldn't bring himself to be so upset. At that age, you just have conflicts sometimes. And even if it looks like the end of the world at first, it often means little more having to content yourself with your own hand for some time before everything was as before. He had had arguments with girls in his youth, of course. And he had been sure all the time that even though it looked pretty bad now, it would sort out itself between Shinji and Kaworu.

Nathalie's return, however, had made him share his son's worries. He didn't know what had happened to Shinji, but the bloody pendant was highly disconcerting. Even though there been an argument - and seemingly a pretty nasty one at that -, Justus was sure that the brunet would never have just thrown it away like that. And even if he had done so in his rage, which seemed pretty unlikely in itself, what about the blood?

He stared into his half-empty cup as if trying to get it to give him answers. Something had happened to the boy. Justus hadn't been able to ask Nathalie anything because she hadn't woken again yet, but he resolved to do so once she was a little better. She hadn't said anything about what she had seen or where she had found the pendant, so maybe she knew more than he had guessed at first. He sincerely hoped so.

"How's mother?"

Kaworu's quiet voice sounded hollow and Justus only now realized that they hadn't even really greeted each other. He raised his cup to his mouth.

"Still sleeping," he replied. "I hope you know she's been seriously risking her health by trying to get your boyfriend back for you."

Kaworu stared at the window. He felt strangely detached. "She's not going to die, I assume."

Justus set his cup down firmly. "Still."

"And I didn't ask her to."

"_Kaworu_." A cross frown was edged into Justus's face now. "I know that you're lacking someone to snog at the moment, but that's no reason to talk about your mother like that when she's lying in bed and sick because she tried to help you."

He knew immediately that he had gone too far with his rather crude way of mentioning Shinji when Kaworu rose abruptly. For a moment, Justus thought he was going to storm out of the kitchen, but then his son sat down again, resting his forehead in his palms.

"Sorry," Kaworu muttered, rubbing his temples. Oh, how he wished he could have said that to Shinji instead of his father now.

Justus merely sighed an "alright" before emptying his cup. He rose. "I'll go look if your mother is awake," he said and was secretly glad to leave the uncomfortable atmosphere in the kitchen. He was getting used to the whole father thing again, but dealing with Kaworu when he was grumpy was unpleasant business. The problem was that he had rarely ever shouted and pouted as most children, but just sat there and... looked sad. Having him in a bad mood hadn't been so very nice when he had still been small, but now he was seriously chapfallen and that was much worse. Not that Justus couldn't understand it, but he couldn't do anything about it. For their former problems, he himself had been the cause and he had at least had an idea of how to make it right again, although he had shied back from it for several long years. But this... He basically had nothing to do with the whole argument und could pretty much only wait until Shinji and Kaworu cleared the matter up on their own.

To his relief, Nathalie was awake, lying under the blankets and staring up at the ceiling in silence. When Justus entered, she turned her head and smiled lop-sidedly. "How's he?" she asked quietly as he sat down on the bed beside her. Justus ran a strand of her long hair through his fingers.

"Not very well," he answered truthfully, figuring that although he'd have liked to tell her something more comforting, it wouldn't have helped her particularly. With a sigh, Nathalie briefly closed her eyes, her fingers curling absent-mindedly around the blanket's hem.

"I thought so," she said. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more than bring that necklace home."

"Nathalie." Justus took her hand. "You did more than enough, you risked your health seriously! What more could anyone demand of you."

She made a dismissive gesture. "Don't treat me like I'm a martyr or something," she replied impatiently. "I'm not. And it's just a cold. A nasty one, but a cold." She sighed, snuggling deeper into the blankets. There was silence. Then, she raised her voice again, quiet this time. "But could I have some tea?"

Justus smiled and bent down to kiss her on the nose before getting up again. "Of course," he said and saw the corners of her mouth curl slightly before he left. Stepping out of the room, he could hear the gentle, sad song of a violin floating down the corridor. Kaworu.

----------

The world around him dawned very, very slowly, refusing to let him see any details too soon. His vision was blurry and he wondered vaguely where he was. Hadn't he... wait... what had happened anyway?

He groaned faintly, his eyes sliding shut when there was a dull, throbbing pain at the back of his head. It _hurt_...

Then, he listened. There were footsteps. Yes, footsteps. He wasn't alone. Flexing his fingers experimentally, he noticed that he was lying in a bed. It was soft and warm, the fabric had taken on some of his body heat. The sheets were heavy and felt slightly oppressing and safe. He opened his eyes.

It took the brunet some time to adjust to the light. Although the curtains were drawn almost shut, the dim glow seemed to hurt his eyes. He waited until he could make out his surroundings.

The room was white. Its walls, the bed sheets, the curtains. The door. It was a little muggy because the window was shut. There wasn't a lot of furniture. A desk, a chair, a bookshelf. The mat he lay on. A lamp, high above him. From where he was lying, it seemed so small to him that he only had to extend a hand to close his fingers around it.

The door opened. He slowly turned his head.

A girl was standing in the doorway, in her arms a small first-aid kit. She was very pale and had light blue hair, short and straight, framing her even face that held a pair of blood-red eyes. "You're awake," she said quietly and he wondered who she was to talk to him without at least introducing herself. He sat up, pulling the blanket up to cover his bare chest. He was merely wearing his shorts, he noticed. They were just the tiniest bit too large. Why?

"Who are you?" he asked, frowning. What was he doing here anyway? How had he come here? _Who was she?_

She looked slightly surprised at this, but knelt down next to him, setting the small white box onto the ground. "You don't know me anymore, Ikari-kun? ... Shinji?" she asked in return, her voice quiet and level like she wasn't just trying to remember him of who she was. Blue eyes stared at her. Blank.

"My name is... Shinji...?"

----------

Asuka slammed the door shut behind her, furious because of everything and nothing. She was so sick, sick, _sick_ of it! Of everything. Of Shinji running away like the stupid, idiotic coward that he was, of Yuichi whining to them because he missed his babysitter, of Shiro still sticking around, of Yuki looking way too much like Shinji when it was dark and she didn't concentrate too hard, of herself not being able to cope with all that shit. Gods, how she _hated_ it...

She threw herself onto her bed. The covers were dirty, but washing them meant waiting for them to dry, and that was at least one day or two without any blanket. No, she'd rather cope with some stains, even if it wasn't as comfortable as she'd have liked it to be.

Asuka pulled a grimace. _Comfortable_. Since she had run away from home, she had lost every feeling for that word. In her life now, it wasn't about being comfortable. It was about taking what you got and somehow getting through the next day.

And up to now, she had managed somehow. One could be surprised at how few people can live on when they're forced to and it's either do or die. Or go back, which seemed even worse to most of them. They all kept their reasons and problems pretty much to themselves. They stuck together to go on somehow and there weren't few between them who had made real friendships, who had grown to really like each other. Best friends and stuff. But it was like a silent agreement that no one asked, and no one talked. Not about certain topics, at least. And so far, it had worked pretty well.

She wondered where Shinji was now. Idiot. Probably cuddled up to Kaworu now, maybe in his bed, making out. He always tried to avoid what hurt and what made problems. So why think about the day before yesterday when he could just as well could get it on with Kaworu?

She felt sick. Damn idiot.

Asuka had always managed to get through and go on. She was strong, she was intelligent, she was pretty. She had to show the boys that she was just as good if not better than them. Yes. Better. Way better.

But what was there left for her, now that Shinji was gone? He wasn't the one focus her life had, but pretty close to it. But he had gone and chosen himself Kaworu and she could do pretty much nothing about it.

She wasn't even sure if she loved him. She just knew that she wanted _him_ to love her. How twisted and dramatic. How histrionic. How selfish. But she didn't care that it was selfish because in the end, everyone is just selfish. Even when you're doing something for others, at the end of the day, you just have the great feeling left that you helped them and made them happy and that feeling is what you're after. Being good and nice and needed. Disgusting. The reason why Asuka wasn't all that enthusiastic about helping others. She was as selfish as everyone else, but she at least knew it.

She hated how Kaworu of course had had to play the great benefactor. Giving them money to get over several months if they were thrifty with it, and clothes for Shinji and Yuichi. Yuichi. Yes, making the small boy happy had certainly been a clever idea of Kaworu because that had earned him the sympathy of most of the others, too. Again, disgusting. Certainly he had only thought of impressing Shinji. Wrapping him around his little finger. Must be.

Sick. She was so sick. And it made it worse that she knew that Kaworu most probably wasn't half as calculating as she just made him to be. But crediting him with nasty traits was just so much easier than admitting she had failed.

What was there in Kaworu that Shinji liked more than her? It couldn't have been merely physical because, surely, between two men it had to hurt. She didn't even want to think about it. But it brought her thoughts further. If it wasn't about his body, it had to be about his soul. Shinji had preferred Kaworu's to her. Did that mean Kaworu's heart was really better than hers? Was she inferior? How could she be? She was perfect and good-looking and clever and... Remembering that these descriptions probably fitted Kaworu just as well, she broke her train of thought.

She slipped a hand under her shirt. Her breasts were warm and soft. She had once teased Shinji, asking him if maybe they'd grow if she warmed them with her hands. He had looked away, flustered. Prude idiot.

Asuka ran a finger down to her navel. Her stomach was perfect and flat and her waist thin. Perfect. Every inch of her was perfect. And still she had lost to Kaworu.

The finger travelled lower.

----------

Kaworu dreaded to even think of going to school tomorrow. How was he supposed to think of trivial and unnecessary things like _maths_ when the only clue he had as to what had happened to Shinji was a bloody necklace? How could he not worry?

He wasn't even sure how he did it, but when his father announced from outside of the door that supper was ready and if he'd like to come down and eat something, he somehow willed himself out of his lethargy, leaving his room after several hours of long and restless sleep. The stairs seemed endless and he wondered if it wasn't ridiculous, being so miserable when it was Shinji who was wounded or - he didn't even want to think of it - worse. Somewhere out in the cold, without a mother and a father to bear with his depression and try their best to comfort him a little. Kaworu felt guilty.

In the kitchen, Justus was just filling two soup bowls at the hearth. Kaworu sniffed. The air was warm and thick and heavy with the scent of star soup. In fact, it was just the same as alphabet soup, except that it had small, star-shaped noodles instead of letters. Kaworu had grown up with it because his father was an _addict_.

Taking two spoons out of a drawer, Kaworu sat down. They ate in silence for a while before he spoke up.

"When are you going to leave again?" he asked, stirring his soup absent-mindedly. The stars swirled around in a rather orderless spiral. Like a very, very small galaxy spinning in fast motion. He couldn't suppress the rather sarcastic thought that to his father, it probably wouldn't be so far-fetched that star soup had played a role in the world's creation. "You and mother, I mean? You'll have to go to work again."

Justus smiled lop-sidedly. "You want to get rid of us, I understand?" Kaworu merely shook his head instead of an answer. "We've decided to take some more time off. We haven't been home for very long and, as you should know, we fortunately have the freedom to take some holidays when we want as long as we don't overdo it. It has its advantages when you're good at your business." He sighed and took a spoonful from his bowl.

Kaworu looked at the opposite wall, chewing on his spoon thoughtfully. "Is mother sleeping?" he asked, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

Justus looked mildly surprised at his question. "No, I think not," he answered. "She was reading until ten minutes ago, so I guess she's still up."

Kaworu rose. "I'll bring her some," he said quietly, nodding towards the pot on the hearth. Justus watched silently as he filled another bowl, took a spoon and left the kitchen. Wonders would never cease.

Nathalie looked up as the door opened and her son's bright shock of hair was showing in the room, dimly lit by merely the reading lamp on her nightstand. He sat at the foot of the bed, careful not to sit on her feet, and after she had put her book aside in mild wonderment, he handed her both bowl and spoon.

"I thought you might like to eat something," he muttered, pulling one knee up to his chest without really looking at her. She smiled vaguely, said a quiet "thank you" and began eating. As always, Justus had really done a good job. It tasted good as it usually did, rich and heavy. It had been what he had cooked for her when she had visited him at home for the very first time.

"There's been nothing new, has there?" she asked finally. "Of Shinji, I mean?"

He shook his head with a sigh somewhere between amused and bitter. "If he had come back yet, would I really be sitting around here now?"

Nathalie was quiet for a moment, her spoon halting in mid-action. Then, she sighed and resumed eating. "I see."

There was an uncomfortable silence, merely broken by the tiny screeching sound that occurred every time her spoon scratched over the porcelain accidentally. When there was a voice rising again, she had already pretty much emptied the bowl. Kaworu pulled his other knee close, too. He rested his chin on his folded arms.

"Why have you never told me of your disease?" he asked quietly.

Nathalie flinched, the spoon falling into the bowl, hitting it with a metallic clink. She stared at him, and, finally, Kaworu looked up, looked at her. She put the dish aside, noticing with disgust that her hands trembled a little. She interlaced her fingers to stop it.

"How do you know?" she asked in return, her voice ridiculously feeble. She felt like it wasn't only him watching, but like the whole world consisted of nothing but red eyes staring at her. She knew the feeling. _Guilt_.

Kaworu made a dismissive gesture. "That's not important." He tugged at the hem of his jeans' right leg. "Why have you never told me of it?" he repeated his question.

Nathalie searched for words for a long time and she was glad that he seemed to have the patience to wait for her, giving her the time to collect her mind. She had always feared this might happen. "I didn't want to," she finally began. She was angry with herself because her voice sounded so feeble, so weak, but her throat was tight and felt vulnerable. Damn cold... "I didn't want to use it as an excuse."

"It would have been an explanation, not an excuse," he interrupted her, but strangely enough, he didn't sound half as angry as she had expected him to.

"An explanation for my failure?" She gave a short, hollow laugh but stopped as soon as her unfittingly high voice resounded in the room. "_A disease_. What kind of explanation is that for not caring for your own child, your own flesh and blood? Other mothers would have died if they had lost their child and I even wished for it at the worst times." Her eyes were wide now with horror as she forced herself to say out loud what she had dreaded to even think over the past years. She couldn't look at him now, _she couldn't_...

"But you could have aborted me," Kaworu said faintly. Nathalie just shook her head.

"I didn't even know of my disease when I was pregnant," she said quietly, her fist clenching in the blanket. "I was looking forward to being a mother. Looking forward!", she repeated shrilly. She didn't even notice that her cheeks were wet now. "The illness set in only when you were born. Pathetic." She shook with self-disgust.

Kaworu said nothing as he moved over and hugged her. He had never known just how frail she was. Her skin was glowing. He briefly loosened his embrace to press a kiss to her brow.

Nathalie hiccupped.

----------

Shinji stared into the bathroom mirror. _Shinji._ His name. His bare skin was very pale in the reflection. The bandage around his head was almost the same shade of white as his neck, but it could also have merely been the fog clouding the glass.

He raised a hand to touch the cloth gingerly. A bandage, wrapped around his head by gentle fingers. Pale. He felt like it should remind him of something. It felt like a deja-vu.

But a deja-vu of what?

----------

**Do you know those times in life when everything just seems to go wrong? Well, I'm having that kind of time at the moment. Something's wrong with my knee (I can't really bend my left leg), we're having money problems like woah, our only computer with internet access is dying and we have no cash for a new one, and I'm pissed as hell because of that damn student exchange with Belgium. I've been extremely busy tidying up the whole house during the holidays (we just had Autumn holidays) and now, two days before the Belgians are supposed to come here, another boy and I get told, "Sorry, there weren't enough people from Belgium, you can't take part." I mean, HELLO?! Can't they tell us somewhat earlier? They called all those who can take part so they knew, but we don't get told ANYTHING?! I feel like going on a serious killing rampage now. **

**On the other hand, I just did my first order of brand lolita clothing and I'm very, very excited. I ordered from Innocent World, Lucky Pinky and Bodyline - all in all, a shoulder bag, a dress, a skirt, a tote bag, a headpiece and a hair bow. Including shipping and all, it cost me about 535$. Looks like a terrible lot in dollar! But in euro it's "only" 380€. Plus, I saved for it hard and it's really worth that much to me. **

**Anyway, concerning Scraps of Gold: in case you're a new reader or you haven't noticed yet, I update the story weekly, that means every Monday. **

**And, well... Sometimes I'm SO dense. Yesterday I started thinking up a great scene, a really wonderful scene, as in, a beautiful dialogue between two characters that are quite important to me. But then I remembered that they wouldn't be able to have that talk. ARGH! **

**On a side note, did anyone guess that the mysterious "she" that had two small appearances was Rei? Only honest answers, please!**


	20. Tabletop Blues

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Tabletop Blues**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 20/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,718**

**Dedication to Emma. Your letters always brighten my life. I don't know what I'd do without you.**

Song recommendation is Arthur's Farewell again.

Shiro trembled in the cool evening air. Gods, it was _cold_... But he didn't want to go back into the sleeping room now. He couldn't sit around among the others, trying to act normal when nothing was that way. Not since Shinji had gone. There was an oppressing silence hovering about them all the time and whenever someone laughed, he stopped soon because it sounded hollow and fake and inappropriate. No, he really didn't want to go back again now.

He turned when there were footfalls. Quiet steps on the dirty ground. His smile was full of relief when his eyes made out the slim silhouette of Yuki, the other boy's form just as dark as his own with shadows in the semi-dark hall.

Outside, the sunset bloomed like a bloody flower, pouring red light over everything. Beautiful. Terrifying. And beautiful. The shadows seemed deeper and darker than anytime else, like black ink had been painted onto everything.

"It's you," Shiro said and his voice sounded ominously light, almost cheery. Yuki, however, did not return the smile. He looked just weary.

"Yeah, me," he answered, coming to Shiro's side, and mimicked his posture by propping his elbows up on the window sill. The wind was cold and merciless, but oddly refreshing, even though it felt like it was trying to rip his soul out with icy fingers. Maybe it would have been better that way.

For some wonderful long minutes, it felt like everything was as it should be again. Only the two of them, facing the cold world outside, feeling that they only had to reach out to take the other's hand. Their shoulders were almost touching, Yuki noticed. It was a pleasant and warming thought to imagine it was all as it had been before Shinji had gone.

And then the moment shattered at his thought. Shinji. Now he had thought of it again and he grew painfully aware that nothing was as it was supposed to be. Not anymore.

Yuki pulled something from his pocket, holding it out to Shiro. The other boy looked at him in puzzlement, then at the apple. "You haven't eaten anything this evening," Yuki said and his friend smiled slightly as he took the apple.

"Thank you," Shiro answered. He took a bite and looked outside again. He looked very lost, Yuki thought.

"Shiro?"

The blonde tilted his head.

"What's up with you? Why have you done all that?"

His friend froze, his eyes lowering. Something twitched at his mouth. For a long moment, Yuki thought he wasn't going to get an answer. Then, however, Shiro spoke. "You don't know," he said quietly, staring at his hand.

Yuki shrugged, but the casual action didn't match what he felt at all. "That's why I'm asking."

"You don't know," Shiro repeated, shaking his head slowly. "You don't know what my life was like."

"And you have to take that out on Shinji?" Yuki heard his voice rise. Why?

"He - Kaworu and he - that's not normal, he'd have hurt you, he'd have hurt you!" Suddenly, Shiro was clutching at the front of Yuki's shirt, the apple had fallen onto the ground, rolling in the dust. Its green colour looked brownish black in the shadows. The dark-haired boy stared at him, wide-eyed. He didn't know if what he felt was disgust or shock or pity or something entirely else. Shiro's dark brown eyes were wide with terror... and concern. Yes. All that Yuki could really read in his eyes was care of the deepest kind. He closed a hand around his wrist.

"He wouldn't have," he said firmly, but was answered by Shiro with only a violent shaking of his blond head.

"He would have," he answered, one hand travelling up to Yuki's collar. He could feel his pulse under his fingers, warm and fast.

"Why would he have done that, Shiro?" Yuki asked, shaking his head slightly, confused. "He's my friend."

Shiro didn't look at his face, keeping his gaze lowered. "Somehow he would have. Or Kaworu. Or someone." His hand tightened in Yuki's shirt and the dark-haired boy realized only now that it was lying over his heart. "I won't let anyone get close enough they could hurt you."

Yuki stared. "Shiro, you don't know what you're saying," he attempted to say, but was silenced as he realized that he himself didn't know what he was saying.

"But I do, _I do_," the blonde muttered. "You _matter_, Yuki. More than them." He looked at his friend and the dark-haired boy just stared at him, noticing only now just how tight the hold on his shoulder was. "Please, Yuki..."

Yuki pushed him away in shock. "I see," he breathed, clenching at his shirt. "You know, I could deal with it, but doing that to Shinji when you're just the same... You're sick, Shiro. Sick!" With that, he turned on his heel and ran out. He needed to get away.

"I knew they'd bring you up against me!" Shiro shouted after him. The concrete was cold under his knees suddenly. "I KNEW!" And then his face was in the dust as he cried.

----------

"I'm worried about Kaworu."

Nathalie leant back with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling. Justus gave her a glance. He didn't know what exactly had happened, but somehow, Kaworu suddenly seemed to begin accepting Nathalie as who she was. His mother. It wasn't his to know what had been between them, but he was happy about the outcome. After so many years of simple co-existence instead of something real, it seemed like they were finally some kind of family.

He laid a hand over hers. "Me too," he admitted, rubbing his thumb over hers lovingly. It was one week now since Shinji's disappearance and they still had no further clues as to where the boy might be now. And Kaworu wasn't taking the whole business well at all. He ate little and slept even less and when he spoke, Nathalie always had the feeling that he had to fight to keep his voice from trembling. Hadn't she found the pendant and the blood on the dirty pavement, she'd have rolled her eyes at his mourning, seeing that Shinji just wouldn't want to see him now. But she had found it and that made it serious. Something had happened to the boy and he was at the very least hurt, if not - and it made her herself feel sick thinking about it - dead. But there had been nothing in the newspapers about a body found, so at least that last possibility seemed not all that likely. She hoped so, at least. One could never know, cruel as the world was nowadays.

Hadn't she known about the fact that Shinji had no home besides where he lived with his friends, she wouldn't have worried half as much, knowing that he could just go back. But Justus had secretly entrusted her with what he knew and it was disconcerting. Going by Kaworu's words and reactions regarding the topic, it wasn't sure what was more unlikely now - that Shinji went back to his friends or that he came to Kaworu. So where could he be now, alone, hurt?

"Do you think Shinji will come back?" Nathalie asked quietly. It was the first time she asked _if_ he would return, not _when_. It made her feel like a traitor.

Justus didn't answer at once. "I don't know," he said finally.

Nathalie sighed. "I see." She switched off the bedside lamp and leant over to kiss Justus. She was glad as warm arms encircled her waist. It distracted her from more bad thoughts.

----------

"Night, Scraps," Kaworu muttered before turning off the light. The puppy gave a quiet snort and squirmed a little in its sleep. Kaworu closed the curtains. Dark.

Lying on his bed, he stared off into nothingness. Where was Shinji? Why hadn't he come back yet? What had happened to him? Gods, how he missed him... And it made him feel ashamed to the very core that he didn't miss him in a spiritual sense only, but that he also longed to touch him again. Kiss him and have him close and dare to whisper into his ear all the words he had never dared to say out loud.

He turned to lie on his face. If he had said something else a week before, something comforting and nice and "yes, of course I want you to stay with me" - it would have been so simple, so _simple_ -, then he probably wouldn't have to lie around here now, feeling like a useless idiot.

The week had been terrible. How was he supposed to concentrate on class? To focus on his homework? No. He somehow managed to get through, but even when his thoughts happened to not be with Shinji, they just strayed from one random thing to the other, unable to rest for long on what was in front of him. Restless, yes. That was the word. His mind was restless.

Inappropriately enough, his stomach grumbled. With a sigh, Kaworu sat up, running a hand through his hair. This was all no use. Whatever intentions and wishes he might have, he could do nothing. Throwing back the covers, he got up.

The stairs were cool beneath his feet, sending a chill up his body, and he shuddered slightly. It was October, nearing November already, and it was getting cold outside. He didn't switch the lights on as he entered the kitchen. The moonlight was enough to outline the furniture and all and he knew where everything was.

The fridge's light poured over him as he opened it, cold and harsh and sharp. When he took the jar out of one compartment, he noticed that his fingers looked almost white. He shut the door again, dismissing the thought.

The jam was sweet on his tongue and he felt himself reminded of how he had sat here with Shinji at breakfast after the brunet had thwarted the gang's plans of a raid. Only now did he fully realize just how delicate the bond had been then, just how little alterations could have changed everything. If he had just slept soundly up in his room, if he hadn't come down to play. If Shinji had just fled instead of looking for the music's source. If the shot hadn't just grazed his cheek, but hit. If they hadn't met again by accident in the park. If, if, if. It seemed like a miracle that they still had managed to come so close.

_Close_. Over the course of the last days, he had thought about this more than once. What Shiro had said. What others must - truthfully - think they were. Gay.

Kaworu had really spent a lot of time thinking about this. _Gay_. A mere one-syllable-word. And still it meant so much. It made a huge difference. To others, anyway. Kaworu didn't even know if he considered himself gay. Homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, what was that more than just words? He only knew that he hadn't ever liked anyone as much as he liked Shinji. Shinji-sexual it was, then.

He chewed thoughtfully. Why was in all of those words the word "sex", anyway? Where was the reference to the mental attraction you feel instead of just what you do with your body? Stupid. And so typical for humankind. Sex as a pseudo-taboo, but not even a proper term for the real thing.

Kaworu rested his chin in his palm, staring into the dark as he realized something. There _was_ a term.

Love.

He wondered why it had taken him so long to get it. Really, there was certainly a reason that he was a human. Being clever in general, but ridiculously slow at times, for example.

Still. Gay. There was a whole lot of people, an outright scene of men who loved, well, men. But Kaworu didn't feel like belonging to them or having to do with them in the least. He loved Shinji, and that was it. How could he ever attach himself to someone else, be it man or woman?

Somehow, it angered him a little that it was love between them. That they didn't have some word for themselves, something unique that no one else had. All over the world, everyday, people fell in love. They came together, and most of the time they split up again at some point. And they used the term "love" just as much as Kaworu used it to describe his feelings for Shinji to himself. If love was so easy to be given up on again, how could he be sure that Shinji would want to be with him forever? That he even wanted it himself? Maybe it was really just a short thing, just like any other teenagers went through it and then parted and lived on with only a memory remaining in their hearts, if anything at all. All those others probably felt like spending the rest of their lives with each other, but then it turned out that it wasn't what they really wanted and it was over. How else could it be that there was such a thing as divorces?

Kaworu rested his cheek on the wooden tabletop. No. He needed Shinji. And he wanted to be with him. For as long as possible, preferably forever.

Just what did your own will count if there were circumstances that separated you and that you could do nothing about?

----------

Shiro stared off into the dark. Why had it come to this? Now even Yuki had turned against him, Yuki, who was more important than everyone else. He felt hollow and cold. His bare feet were numb, but he didn't pay attention to it.

He couldn't go on like this. Not without Yuki to stand besides him as they fought their way through life. Not when all the others looked at him with coldness and anger. He didn't even _want_ to go on anymore.

And he had to protect Yuki. Something like what was with Kaworu and Shinji... Shiro knew it was no good. He knew it brought only pain and misery in the end. He didn't have all those memories from nothing. His past had been hell and it wasn't his own fault. And he knew the cause.

He himself was no better now. And even though he was sure his feelings were genuine, he knew that they would only bring misfortune to Yuki. And he couldn't let himself hurt him. Never.

_It is cold_, he thought.

----------

Yuichi paid care not to drop the strawberries. Strawberries! What a treat! And at this time of the year! Akira had managed to whip some up somewhere and Yuichi had already brought Touji and Kensuke and Asuka some while the others were sitting with Akira in the hall and splitting them up between them. Not Yuki and Shiro, though, Thus, Yuichi had decided to bring them some.

Yuki looked up from his book as the small boy entered. He had found it on the street some day, used and battered. It was about astronomy and he could never cease to be amazed at the beauty of the outer space. Imagining only that people had already been on the moon... It was incredible and it gave him something to dream of in times when there no dreams that came on their own.

"Look, Yuki, look!" Yuichi held out his small hand, holding a couple of strawberries, round and red and delicious. Yuki took one with surprise and expressed his appreciation with a "mmh" - although he had to admit he exaggerated a little. He didn't feel particularly enthusiastic about anything at the moment, but Yuichi didn't have to know.

Yuichi, however, had like all children a good sense of when something wasn't right and, after popping a berry into his mouth, he looked at the older one, chewing thoughtfully. "What's wrong, Yuki?" he asked, licking some of the red juice from his fingers.

Yuki looked at him for a moment before he leant back with a sigh. "Too much, Yuichi," he said, feeling tired suddenly. "Way too much."

"Hm." Yuichi regarded him with brown eyes. "Will you tell me about it?"

At first Yuki was prompted to say no, because, really, why should he bother the boy with his troubles? But then something inside him gave way and he did talk. "I had an argument with Shiro," he mumbled, taking another strawberry.

"Aha." Yuichi nodded thoughtfully. "What about?"

"Um..." Yuki halted for a moment, trying to arrange the words he would say. "He had an argument with Shinji and I don't agree with what he said."

Yuichi tilted his head, rolling a berry between his thumb and index finger as he looked at Yuki inquiringly. "Is that why Shinji left?" he asked warily. He still didn't want to accept that Shinji wasn't here anymore to care for him. He missed Shinji.

Yuki looked at him in silence for a moment before he answered. "Yes."

"Hm." Yuichi rubbed his nose thoughtfully. "You know what? You just go and talk with Shiro and then everything is sorted out and Shinji can come back! Yes?"

The older boy stared at him. Yuichi made it all sound so simple, like they could really clear matters up and make up again... And then it struck him that maybe it could work. Shiro was the person he liked more than anyone else, they had always been together and he had always been sure that not even Shiro's past - whatever had happened, he had never been told - could separate them. And if Shiro was so sure that Shinji's and Kaworu's relationship was wrong, well, he had made clear that he felt just like that for him, Yuki, hadn't he? Maybe it was a chance, somehow, to make him realize just how foolish he had acted and that they could be friends as always again. Or that they could try at least. Something. As long as Shiro didn't leave him alone, everything was alright with Yuki. He liked Kensuke and Touji and Akira and all of them really a lot, but Shiro was just so much more important. Best friends and all that.

With a sigh, he nodded. "Alright."

Yuichi smiled, the broad smile that he always showed when he had, once again, convinced one of the older ones of his views and that, of course, they themselves thought way too complicated when everything was so easy. Giving Yuki the last strawberry, he turned. "I'll go get him and then you talk," he announced before vanishing out onto the corridor.

Yuki wanted to shout after him at first, but then he sighed and, with a half-smile, he ate the last strawberry. Why not now... Two loud bangs made him flinch, but then he relaxed again. In the really old and completely unused parts of the factory, sometimes pieces of the roof fell to the ground or a straying cat knocked over an old bin with rusty nails or something. As long as they stayed away from there, they didn't risk to be hit by debris.

Yuichi really was a good child... It had a reason that they all were so fond of him. He spread the innocent enthusiasm most of them had already lost.

Yuki almost toppled over when he heard an ear-piecing scream, resounding in one of the empty rooms. He got up, ran out onto the corridor. "Yuichi!" he shouted - behind him, down the corridor and in the hall, the talk had stopped and was replaced by dead silence. "Yuichi, where are you?!" But instead of an answer, there was just more wordless screaming and he sprinted up some stairs where he finally found him.

Yuichi was sitting in front of an open door, his back pressed against the wall, and his eyes were wide with terror as he stared into the hall. Yuki was beside him in a moment and hugged him close, covering the boy's eyes from whatever he had seen. Only when Yuichi had buried his face at his chest, he dared to look into the hall.

The world shattered around him.

----------

When Nathalie entered the kitchen late the next morning - or rather, early noon, because she had slept _very_ long - to make breakfast, she was surprised to find her son sleeping with his face on the table, some strawberry jam on his cheek. He looked peaceful for the first time in a week and she paid care to be quiet while making coffee and putting the water on to boil. She'd also make tea and some eggs.

When the well-known and warm scent of coffee filled the kitchen, Kaworu ruffled his nose sleepily, his brow furrowing slightly before his eyes slid open slowly. Nathalie smiled.

"Good morning," she greeted quietly, cutting away at a small carrot before attacking an egg she had peeled already.

"Morning," he replied and groaned faintly as he sat up. He had just made the discovery that sleeping like that wasn't really comfortable, especially not the cramps you get in your back and neck the next morning. He watched in silence as she busied herself at the counter, wondering what she needed the pepper grains for she took from the cupboard. When she turned, however, the mystery was solved.

"Enjoy," she said, setting the egg down in front of him. The yolk looked at him with dark pepper eyes and a carrot beak. It looked like a small chick. Nathalie had cut the egg white around it so it looked like a zig-zagged eggshell. When he just stared at it, she smiled. "You can eat it, you know. I didn't poison it."

Giving her a quick side glance, he picked it up and took a bite. A pity. It had looked really cute.

"My first boyfriend used to make me those when I was down," she explained, sipping at her coffee.

"Thanks," he replied quietly, looking at the egg chick's half face that was still left. He really wanted to say something more, but at that very moment, the bell rang. He got up. "I'll go," he said before slipping out of the door. Who could that be, on a Sunday noon?

His heart skipped a beat. _Shinji_. Kaworu could feel his pulse quicken, could feel his heart's beat even in his very fingertips as he opened the door.

He stared.

"Asuka," was all he managed to say.

"Yeah, me."

----------

**I'm sorry that the update wasn't on time - wouldn't let me upload my chapter! Please accept my apologies. **

**Well... This is chapter 20 already. I get an average of about 6 to 7 or more comments each chapter. I have lovely readers. I never thought I would get this far with this story. I thank you all for keeping me going. This story is a great joy in my life, for I always suffer and rejoice with my characters, and it makes me happy to see that there are some people out there who like it enough to spend time each week reading it. I cannot express how very grateful I am. Thank you.**

**The situation here has relaxed a bit and although we still have money problems, it's not as bad as it could be. I'm worried, though, about the Latin test I'm going to write on Thursday. Worried as in, completely panicking! I'm very afraid. **

**I am glad that no one seemed to think the dialogue between Nathalie and Kaworu seemed forced or something. It's an important part of the chapter to me. **

**Have I ever mentioned that I like Yuki?**


	21. Lullaby

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Lullaby **

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 21/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,368**

**Dedication to Torey L. Hayden. "Murphy's Boy" is incredible. **

**Listening recommendation for the first two scenes is "Haunted" by Poe, after that "If you are my love" from TRC again.**

„_Look whom we've picked up in town," Naoki announced as he entered the hall and the others looked up. The boy who followed the one with glasses inside kept his eyes lowered, apparently feeling quite uncomfortable. The other boys didn't feel uneasy in the least. It didn't happen all that often, but from time to time, they found others who had no home and took them in. They didn't have much to offer, but they were always willing to share - most of them had gone through some pretty bad things and thus they tried to help if possible. _

_Naoki waved Yuki over. The dark-haired boy stood obediently. He had nothing to do anyway. _

"_Would you mind showing him around?" Naoki asked lowly, nodding towards the new boy who looked around indecisively. "I would, but... I don't think I'm good with him. He's one of the quiet ones." He rolled his eyes, but Yuki just glanced over at the new one before nodding. _

"_Sure." _

_Not without relief and after giving the boy a brief thumbs-up, Naoki went off to chat with Akira, leaving Yuki with him._

_Yuki looked him over with interest. The other one's hair was a very bright blonde, he was about the same height as he himself, maybe an inch less, and his eyes were of a very deep chocolate brown. He had something numb about his features, but his pupils never stopped moving, taking in his surroundings attentively. Yuki felt pity for him. He looked like a rabbit that had escaped from a nest of snakes, but wasn't sure yet if its new location was any better. _

_Yuki made a step towards him and was pleased as the dark eyes focused on him. "Hi," he said simply. "I'm Yuki. If you don't mind, I'll show you around a bit." He winked. "It's not stuffed with luxury, but it's better than the streets." The boy just nodded. Gesturing him to follow him, Yuki began leading him around, pointing out the rooms you'd better keep out of because they were ramshackle and those that were rather acceptable. He felt satisfied when the other boy seemed to relax slowly._

_It was late already but because it was summer, the sun just set. It was beautiful. The boy halted at a large, broken window to look outside. Yuki came to his side._

"_It's pretty, isn't it?" he said. The boy nodded. "Say... Aren't you going to tell me your name?"_

_For a moment, the blonde just looked at him in silence. Then, something at the corner of his mouth twitched. Was it an attempt to smile? "I'm Shiro." He turned to look outside again. "It looks like blood," he remarked quietly. _

_Yuki regarded him for a moment before he watched the sunset again. "I think it looks more like fire. And there's a lot of nice metaphors for fire."_

"_Such as?" Shiro asked glumly. "Death, destruction?_

_Yuki laughed. "Not quite. I was rather thinking about stuff like, you know, love and passion and such." He rested his chin in his hand and smiled absent-mindedly. The blonde looked at him. _

_From the very first moment, Shiro had loved his smile. _

----------

"SHIRO!"

In a matter of seconds, Yuichi was forgotten as Yuki almost stumbled in his haste to come to his friend's side. Gods, no... NO...

The blond was lying on the floor, dust dyeing his clothes grey at the back, but it was quickly overcome by the red that pooled around his head. There was a nasty, gaping wound at his neck and Yuki felt like he was going to be sick as he looked at it.

"Shiro... Shiro, look at me, look at me, please..." He muttered feverishly as he cradled Shiro's face, trying not to touch the wound or move him around. What was he supposed to do, _what should he do?_

Brown eyes focused on him in panic and Shiro struggled slightly, but Yuki held him down to the floor. Damn, the blood was everywhere... He felt how the knees of his jeans were soaked with the warm liquid. He pulled his shirt over his head and pressed it to Shiro's neck. Maybe it'd stop the bleeding somewhat...

Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed something lying just inches from Shiro's right hand. The realization was immediate and cruel, but he forced himself to think only of what he could do now, damn, _what could he do?_...

Shiro made a weird sound somewhere between a gurgle and a moan, and Yuki laid a hand over his mouth to keep him from speaking, it would certainly only make the wound worse... "Don't talk," he whispered, resting a hand on the blonde's chest to keep him from squirming. "Please, you'll only make it worse... Don't move..." He ran his other hand through his hair soothingly, but inside, he felt nothing but despair.

There were footsteps on the corridor and then the others were there. He could hear gasps behind him, could hear them take steps back as they saw the bloody scene, but he could also hear Kensuke and Touji whispering, and then someone running away again.

He dared to look back. Right there, at the door, stood Asuka. And suddenly, he was sure that never in his life he had ever hated someone so much. He picked the bloody gun from the floor, holding it up.

"Tell me," he said, just barely able to keep his voice from trembling with anger, "why do you still keep that thing? Do you think it's going to help anyone? CAN'T YOU GET YOURSELF SOME TOY THAT WON'T KILL OFF OTHERS?!" At his last words, he tossed it violently away so it banged against the wall and landed on the floor with a metallic clang. Asuka stared at him, wide-eyed, and took an unsure step back before she turned on her heel and ran out of the door. The others stared after her before looking at Yuki again whose full attention was on Shiro once more.

The blonde's breathing grew more shallow, Yuki noticed, and he felt tears well up. No, please, _no_... "You can't leave me alone, Shiro," he whispered and it didn't matter in the least that he was crying when it was no use. "Please... Look at me, Shiro, come on, look at me..."

The others kept their eyes averted respectfully. They all knew that Shiro and Yuki were closer friends than any of them, except maybe Touji and Kensuke. And losing your best friend is just as bad as losing a lover or a relative.

Yuki never knew how long it had been until he finally heard the sirens and he was pulled from his friend by a medic to watch how they carried Shiro away.

He wondered when the future had begun looking so black.

----------

Asuka lay on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. One day had passed since Shiro had attempted to shoot himself. One dreadful day. With her gun. She closed her eyes. _Her gun._

Touji had run to the next house to call an ambulance. He had the longest legs and was the sportiest of them. Except for herself, but she had just stood transfixed. All that blood. Yuki, kneeling in front of his best friend, crying and looking at her like she was the most despicable person on earth. She turned onto her side. Maybe she was.

Getting up abruptly, she quickly gathered what little she possessed and stuffed it into an old bag that still lay around somewhere under her bed. She needed to get away. Away from it all, and at once. She knew that they would all look at her, saying "It's not your fault, Asuka, you didn't want it", but secretly thinking that she was responsible. Of course they would.

Where could she go? She knew no place. She merely knew whom she wanted to have around.

Shinji.

Recalling the way to Kaworu's house, she looked back at her room for the last time and left. If she found Shinji at all, she'd find him at Kaworu's.

----------

The candle flame flickered slightly, its orange glow dancing ecstatically on its wick. It warmed his face as he stared into the light.

Rei had gone to the market and Shinji, as he had done all week, just stayed home, in the small room he had woken up in, and tried to remember. When he had told her that he remembered nothing, she had tried to help him piece together the fragments of his lost memories. There were schemes, and most of them seemed to lie back a long time - a tall man, bearded and with glasses, sitting at the kitchen table as if in silent prayer. A bloody bed sheet. A dusty factory room. Yes. Yes, he remembered. He remembered that he was Shinji, Ikari Shinji, runaway and part of a bunch of street kids. How weird, most of it had come back easily, like it had just waited at the very edge of his mind to get a small push and all fell back into place in one single chain reaction. But there was still something lacking.

One and a half year. He lacked one and a half year. That was the most recent time, and the time without Rei. She hadn't been able to help him recollect what had happened during eighteen months because she just hadn't been there.

He wondered how he had ended up here. Rei said she had found him on her doorstep during Saturday night of last week. Bruised, hurt, with a nasty wound at the back of his head. And without any recollection.

What had happened during that year? Everything could be true. Did he even live with the gang anymore? Had he maybe, unlikely as it was, found a new home? Was something with his father? What had he been doing out in the streets, past midnight, bloody and so weak that he had finally lost consciousness on her doorstep? And...

Shinji laid a hand over his chest, feeling for something that should be there, but wasn't. He had the feeling that something was missing. Something important. But what?

----------

_His lungs stung and his legs felt very weak already, like they'd forsake him any moment. But he kept running, just straight ahead, only changing direction when the street ended and there was no other way. _

_All that mattered was that he didn't stop._

_Gods, he was an idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot... He was just doing again what he had thought he'd overcome after so many years, after finding someone to love. After finding friends. But suddenly all that was gone and he just wanted to get away - he didn't want to look back, but on the other hand, he also had nothing to look ahead to. At the moment, his future looked just as dark as the dirty pavement that he felt rough and hard through the soles of his shoes. _

_How could he go back to Kaworu now? He had shouted at him, even slapped him across the face. There had been a reddish mark on Kaworu's cheek afterwards. Looking back at it, he must have looked plainly ridiculous doing it. Like in one of those girly movies where the chick slaps her untrue boyfriend after she has discovered he has been cheating on her. Boys don't slap. They punch or shove or do God knows what, but they don't bitch-slap. That's what you always think. But when you're in a situation as that, you generally care little for gender stereotypes. _

"He called you a stupid faggot!" "... maybe I am."

_Kaworu couldn't have meant that, he _couldn't_... How did he dare belittle himself, indicating it had been _his_ fault that Shinji was in this situation when the brunet had so clearly chosen it himself? From the very moment of their first kiss on, he had always known that others might not be all that comfortable with the way Kaworu and he liked each other, but it had always just been in the back of his mind, a threatening shadow somewhere way off in the distance. Looming, but too far away to bother you into spending more than just a fleeting thought on it. Until it hit you full force - and now it had. _

_Thinking back, he had been stupid to never spend more time thinking about it. Even if it might not seem so when they were mindlessly making out somewhere, stupid and oblivious to worries as you just tend to as a teenager, it had always been a very real thing that at some point, the time would be up and he would maybe have to decide. _

_He had chosen Kaworu. Without a second thought and, so he had been sure, without having to regret it later. And for a whole day, it had all been too good to be true. Too perfect to last. Nathalie and Justus and Kaworu looking like a real family, acting like one, _being_ a family. A long walk with Scraps, just as always. And in the evening, he had finally found the courage to give in and just surrender to what he had been desiring for so long. _

_And then Kaworu had told him to go back._

_Shinji stifled a sob. He didn't want to cry, he had cried too much already. He wasn't a girl, he wasn't weak, he... was terribly weak. _

_Kaworu did indeed have a point, how could Shinji burden himself onto Kaworu and his parents? Didn't they have enough worries already besides taking in a grubby street kid? Did he really want to intrude on their small family, on what was so slowly growing together again? He certainly had no right. He couldn't just demand a greater place in Kaworu's life without asking, throwing him a curve by practically leaving him no choice to negate. But Kaworu had said no, and, so Shinji felt, really, it had only been natural. Hadn't he somehow been playing on the fact that he couldn't go back now? That he wasn't welcome at the factory anymore? Secretly hoping that Kaworu would pity him and say, "yes, of course you can stay" and then just stop talking to push him back onto the mattress and undress him and make him forget for the moment?_

_He was so pathetic... _

_Even though he felt like just running on and on, Shinji couldn't help but notice at some point that his body wouldn't be a party to doing that and he finally stopped at a street corner, wheezing and holding his sides that stung with pain as he breathed._

_Pathetic..._

_Remembering that after running, it was best to go on slowly, he reluctantly did so. He felt stupid, trying to avoid muscle ache when he felt like his whole life was just crashing into a wall, but it was comfortingly normal and although it didn't keep his mind from misery, it helped somewhat nonetheless._

_He had already walked for some minutes when Shinji started looking around, taking his surroundings in for the first time. He didn't recognize much. Or rather, practically nothing. He couldn't remember having ever been in this part of the city before. The streets were dirty and narrow, the houses framing them with high walls, looming threateningly above him. Shinji felt very small. _

_He went on in silence, feeling strangely numb. Where was he going to stay the night? He had only twice really slept in the streets. The others had picked him up two days after he had run away from home. He had always slept on his mat, with his thin blanket. The others had always given him a sense of safety. He had never felt alone, if anything, just lonely. But that, too, had faded as time had passed. And now here he was, feeling neither safe nor in good company. _

_Pathetic._

_Shinji cringed when echoes of harsh voices resounded from the walls, laughter, jeering. A pained wince, like from an animal. He felt his heart beat loudly in his ears. He should never have come here... _

_As he reached a corner, he saw what all the noise was about. In a small back alley, four youths stood, seemingly kicking something lying on the floor. They looked older than him, but he was bad at guessing ages and it was so dark..._

_He stared in horror as he realized what was going on as the obscure something on the ground moved. The dog yowled heart-breakingly, trying to get up, but all it received was another kick and, wincing, it pressed itself against the wall. _

"HEY!"

_Something inside his head told him that he was being stupid as his voice rang loudly in the dark, but he had already switched off rationality. He didn't want to think now. He just wanted to forget his own misery. _

_The youths turned simultaneously, faces obscured by their jackets' hoods, and he shuddered. This was like some bad horror movie. One of them came over slowly, leisurely, obviously feeling very self-confident. Miraculously enough, Shinji did too. Must have been the adrenaline. _

"_Did you say something?" the youth asked roughly. His voice was much deeper than Shinji's. He was very close now._

_Shinji frowned. "Yeah." He heard himself sound way braver than he felt. "Leave the dog alone. Brawl with someone who's your size." Oh, he hadn't just said that..._

_The youth grinned. Shinji could just barely make out his mouth, the rest of his face was overshadowed by the hood of his sweater. He shuddered. The other one bend over slightly, bringing his face level with the brunet's. "Someone like you, you say?" _

_And then it all happened very quickly, leaving very little time for Shinji to do much more than gather memories of what happened and silently, guiltily, praying that maybe Kaworu would look for him, would find him, would _do_ something... _

_He was roughly grabbed by the collar and pulled forwards. The others had let go of the dog and come over, snickering. Shinji felt sick. _

_The boy closest to him, obviously some kind of leader, made an indefinable gesture in their direction. "Someone wants trouble," he announced, coarsely pushing Shinji towards them. The brunet just barely suppressed a moan as he fell to his knees. When he had just been slowly walking down the streets, his legs had complied obediently as always, albeit a little painfully, but now they began aching again from the running and forsook him. Traitors... _

_And then his memory just went blank until it all was over, trying to keep the pain from his consciousness. But the fists and elbows and feet hitting again and again and again weren't so easy to block out and he felt something snap around his neck as they tugged at his collar again, he felt so numb that he didn't even notice the small clink as something fell to the floor, into his blood. _

_He vaguely remembered trying to scream, for help, for someone, for _Kaworu_. But no sound left his mouth because he knew he would just have sobbed._

_When they finally stopped, sauntering off with a laugh like they had merely been playing some great new game, he just stayed where he was, lying on the dirty ground, half unconscious._

_It was ridiculous, what he thought of. Thinking that on one hand maybe he'd have better been a girl so the whole stupid issue about him being with Kaworu wouldn't exist, but then remembering that maybe it was better he wasn't. Who knew what they would have done to him if he had been a girl, helpless, alone in the dark back alley. He suddenly felt the strong need to have Asuka here, to tell her just how wonderful she was and that she mattered so much to him, even though he loved Kaworu. How much he admired her and that he was sorry for not being able to return the feelings she had for him, but that he would always be there for her if possible. And that he would protect her from something like this._

_It seemed like an eternity had passed before he managed to drag himself up. His clothes were torn in several places and there was blood. At his mouth, his shoulder. His hand. On the pavement..._

_There was a sniffling sound, and he looked up. The dog had risen, and came over to him, carefully, slowly. It stopped at his feet and leant up to lick his hand. He wanted to smile, but he was too tired, so he just vaguely moved his hand to pat it. But the animal just made a step back, looked at him once more for a long moment, and vanished into the dark. _

_Shinji stumbled as he made his way down the street, slowly, ever so slowly, one step in front of the other. He couldn't think anymore, just felt dizzy. He couldn't concentrate on more than just keeping upright, and he still had to support himself on the wall. _

_But at some point, he just couldn't go on anymore and he slipped, hitting something hard with his head, a sharp pain spreading throughout his whole body and he felt like he shattered into pieces like a broken mirror as he collapsed on a doorstep. _

_He wondered vaguely where he was, if he had gone mad, because he heard voices. They sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't determine if they were real or just in his mind._

"You kiss me like that and then just ask such a random question? Give me a break, I need some blood up in my brain first to start thinking again."

_Familiar, yes... But who was it? Whom had he kissed?_

"You are a good child, Shinji."

_Who had said that? Surely not his own father..._

"You succeeded where I failed."

_And that? A woman, mature. A mother? Whose mother?_

"You're bleeding."

_Yes... Yes, he was. He could feel the liquid streaming from his wound, thick and warm. But when had he been wounded to make someone say that? Who had said it?_

_And then there was just the dull, throbbing ache as the world drowned in darkness._

----------

Shinji stared at the candle. _What had happened?_

----------

"He's not here?" Asuka's voice was croaky as she spoke. Kaworu had ushered her into the living-room upon seeing that she was completely frozen, and had given her a blanket that she now protectively held wrapped around her shoulders. Her fingers seemed very frail and white against the red blanket.

Kaworu shook his head. She noticed how weary he looked, but at the moment, it didn't matter much to her.

"Why?" she asked, frowning slightly. She hadn't come here to sit around with Kaworu, talking. She felt slightly feverish. She had always known that sleeping in that small, dusty, cold room would make her sick some day, but not _now_...

"We - he told me what happened with Shiro, Asuka," he began, staring down at the cup of tee in his hands. "What he said and all that."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I supposed he would. So what? Didn't you snog him or whatever you deem right to brighten his mood up?" Her voice was full of disgust, but he didn't even go into it. He seemed to take no notice at all of her rather nasty remark.

"Well, we talked, and... See..." He ran a hand through his hair groggily.

"What?" she asked aggressively. Suddenly, she didn't even want explanations. All that mattered was that she wanted to see Shinji, _now_, and that he wasn't here although he had come to Kaworu for help.

"We had an argument, alright?" Kaworu knew his voice sounded defiant and, honestly, he didn't care.

"An argument?" Asuka repeated tonelessly. He nodded, resting his forehead in his hands.

"We - well, we had differences, and he-" Kaworu absent-mindedly raised a hand to his cheek and Asuka could guess what it meant, but it only served to satisfy her somewhat. Served him right. _An argument_... "He ran away, and of course I searched for him, but, I-" He broke off.

"Ran away?" she repeated again. Kaworu merely nodded miserably. "_You let him run away?!_"

He stared at her as she started screaming at him.

"He was just going through all that shit with Shiro for you and you fucking moron let him RUN AWAY?!" Her throat was tight with anger. She saw his eyes widen and, honestly, how did he _dare_ to stare like that when he had completely fucked up?

"Asuka, I tried..." Oh, how feeble it sounded. A stupid excuse for an even more stupid failure.

"I DON'T CARE!" She was clutching at the front of his shirt now, she wanted to hurt him, something, _something_... "First you steal him away from me and then you have nothing better to do then letting him bunk?! What kind of boyfriend are you?! Don't you even know how much he gave up to be with you?!" Damn, there were tears in her eyes now... She wasn't even sure if they were ones of anger or of sadness. It didn't matter anyway because, at that moment, it was just one and the same to her. And thus, she just continued screaming. She didn't know what else to do. She felt so hollow...

"I already wanted him when you hadn't even ever laid eyes on him and he wouldn't even look at me! He wouldn't even look at me!" She jerked at his shirt violently. Gods, how she _hated_ him... "And you only happen to be in the right place and he immediately screws his own life over for you and you have nothing better to do than argue with him?! Didn't he matter all that much to you or what?!" She was so close, so close to just fainting with hate and despair and that _damn_ throbbing headache...

"I hate you!" she sobbed, still clawing at his shirt. "I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!"

And then everything went black as the pain took over and she slipped into merciful oblivion, barely noticing the pain as she hit the floor.

----------

**I'm sorry that at the beginning I messed around a little with the timeline, hope it didn't confuse you too badly. **

**I have my first lolita brand clothes now and I'm, like, so happy. The dress is gorgeous, and it fits me pretty well - I was very afraid it might be too small or too short, but it's just fine. **

**People here at my school bother me a lot - if the only other gymnasium (most "difficult" school form in the German education system) here didn't cost fees, I'd totally change now. I hate it here. I get along with people online, with people I meet on the street, I always just hear, "Oh, she's such a nice and kind girl". Just my school is a total bunch of idiots - or maybe I just don't meet their standards. I don't know. I sound like a whiney bitch.**


	22. Echo, Echo

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Echo, Echo**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 22/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,875**

**Dedication to you.**

White, white, white. The long corridors were white, the rooms were white, the medics' coats were white. He was sure he had never seen so much white in all his life. The only variety were the dark blue floor and the colorful pictures that hung on the walls here and there, but they didn't do much to ease the oppression that Yuki felt.

His legs were still trembling, he was feeling weak. He had run all the way to the hospital, and that was about an hour or more from the factory. He hadn't stopped once.

"Hey."

He looked up when there was a voice resounding in the empty corridors. A nurse was standing in front of him. He freckled face was framed by auburn hair. She was very pretty.

"Don't you want to go home?" she asked, frowning just ever so slightly. "You've been sitting here for three hours now, and you look tired. Why don't you give me your number and I'll tell the secretary to phone you when the operation is over?"

Yuki shook his head slowly. "I don't have a phone," he answered wearily and ignored her surprised face. "And I'll wait for Shiro all night if it's necessary." He paused a moment. "Can I stay here until they're done?" he asked feebly, remembering that maybe they would have to send him away some time. "If I'm disturbing or something -"

"It's all right," she interrupted him softly, laying a hand onto his shoulder. "I have to go now, but ask if you need something."

Yuki merely nodded and watched wearily as she went down the corridor, knocked at a door and vanished inside the room. What he needed was Shiro being okay again, but that was nothing he could ask from the nurse. If his wish would be fulfilled was determined only by the doctors, by how fatal the wound was - and fate.

With a sigh, he buried his face in his hands. Gods, he was so tired...

----------

The world dawned around her only for seconds, letting her take notice of the mere fact that she had been sleeping at all, before sinking back into darkness.

----------

Shinji absent-mindedly toyed around with the buttons on his shirt's cuff. Rei had bought him some clothes. He had refused at first, she couldn't spend her own money on him - but she had said that she didn't have anything particular she wanted to buy, so she could just as well use it that way. Still feeling slightly bad about it, he had reluctantly agreed. If she truly wanted it like that...

He liked Rei very much. Different than he liked Asuka and the other boys and - and whom? Who else was there? He couldn't remember. But he liked Rei. Yes. She was quiet and detached and still had that aura of being slightly alien to the world around her, but she just was herself and it was her way of getting along with life.

It had become a kind of routine to them both. Rei would get up early to go to work, and Shinji would try his best to get up even earlier to make breakfast. Without anything behind or in front of him, supporting her somewhat gave him what little purpose his life had at the moment. That and searching for what he had lost.

Sometimes, he would sit at the window for hours and hours, staring outside at the world that was at the same time well-known and peregrine to him. He looked down into the streets, watching people pass by, wondering if maybe there were some among them that he knew. He hadn't recognized Rei at first when he had woken. When she had told him about herself and what she knew of his life, it all had fallen back into place on its own, and now he could also remember Asuka's face, and Touji's, and Kensuke's. Yuichi's. But apparently he needed something or someone to just give him a push in the right direction - he wouldn't remember on his own, at least not now.

At times, the oddest things would evoke brief déjà-vus, leaving him with the faint impression that he certainly had some memory connected to the stimulus. Jam, for example. Strawberry jam. Or dogs. Just why? He had never owned a dog. Nor any other pet, except for a small snail, in kindergarten. He had named it Speedy. What a fitting name. But a dog?

With a sigh, he got up. Maybe it would do him good to get outside and maybe it'd trigger some more things to remember. Maybe it would help. And not-so-maybe, he didn't believe in it. But he had to distract himself somehow.

He would visit Rei at work. Yes. That he would do.

Putting on a thick pullover, he grabbed an umbrella - just in case -, locked the door behind him and left.

----------

When Asuka woke for the second time, the conscious world didn't elude her intrusion like it had at first and she opened her eyes. The room had a white ceiling. Unfamiliar, and high above her. White walls. She... yes, she was lying in a bed.

With the quietest of sounds, the door opened. Red eyes peered inside cautiously before the door opened and Kaworu stepped into the room.

"You're awake," he said - unnecessarily so; she knew herself that she wasn't asleep anymore, thank you very much.

Somehow, she felt weak lying around like that, especially when he was standing upright, and she sat up. Realizing that she had nothing on but her panties and bra, however, she hastily pulled the blanket up to her breast, gathering it around her body while she shot him a scandalized glare.

"Where are my clothes, you pervert?" she snapped, feeling sick at the thought that Shinji's boyfriend - _Shinji's boyfriend!_ - might have seen her half-naked.

Kaworu looked a little shocked at her words, but he just shook his head. "My mother did it," he explained, and it seemed to her that he said it rather to salve his consciences than to answer her question, but it didn't really matter anyway. "She said we had to get you out of the wet clothes. Not my doings." There was a pause.

"Wait a moment," he said quietly and slipped out of the room. She stared after him. Idiot. She could do very well without his company. It didn't take long, however, before he reappeared, a cup of hot tea in his hands. He sat down besides her in silence, handing it to her. Asuka took it without a word.

It was bitter and hot and she was sure that she would have preferred coffee by far, but she felt starved and needed something to get her system up somehow.

There was a long silence between them, and it was rather because both knew bickering would do nothing now, not because of having gotten any warmer with each other.

After some long minutes and rather feverish thinking on the matter, Asuka spoke.

"Why have you been arguing?" she asked, and she couldn't keep her accusation from entering her words.

Kaworu looked at her, at the cup, at the floor. Just now did she really notice how weary he looked. He was even paler than usual, his hair seemed to have much less of a life of its own and if she looked closer, he even seemed to be a little thinner. She couldn't bring herself to pity him, though. It was his own fault.

"Well," he began, absent-mindedly fumbling with his fingers. "We... you know, we were... you know." Kaworu made a vague gesture and she felt like making a nasty comment, but she refrained from doing so. It would have been no use.

"And," Kaworu continued slowly, "you see, I - well, I asked him if he didn't want to tell me what had happened before, you know, because he hadn't up to then." He shrugged helplessly. "He did. And I asked him what he was going to do."

He stayed silent for a moment. Asuka felt herself getting annoyed. It wasn't going to help if he made dramatic pauses all the time.

"So what did he say?" she asked, but she didn't sound quite as rude as she had intended to.

"He said he wanted to stay here with me." Kaworu's voice sounded strangely empty now, like he still couldn't quite comprehend what had happened.

"And you said...?"

"I told him no."

Another silence, but this time it was more tense than ever. Asuka stared at him.

"You did _what_?"

Kaworu looked aside. "Asuka, you have to understand - he has a life, he has you, all of you - he can't throw all that away for me!"

She frowned deeply. "You know," she said, "what you have to learn is to respect what other's want instead of telling them what it should be in your opinion. He knew damn well what he gave up when he said that. So you might be all clever and stuff, but you have no right to belittle him. You like your role as benefactor and all-knowing enigma all too well, don't you?"

Kaworu stared at her, shocked, for a moment. Then he averted his eyes again. "Still. He could have cleared the matter up and gone back and -"

"I think it's better if he doesn't go back," Asuka interrupted him with sudden quietness in her voice. Kaworu frowned slightly.

"Asuka, I know Shiro has a problem with it and all that, but I'm sure that there's some way -"

"I don't think so." She closed her eyes briefly. "I don't think he's ever going to sort it out with Shinji."

"... what do you mean?"

And for the first time, it seemed, she looked into his eyes. "Shiro shot himself. I don't know if he will live, but I doubt it. He shot himself," she repeated.

Kaworu felt hollow and wished more desperately than ever to have Shinji here.

----------

The world was bathed in a diffuse, pale afternoon light, filtered down to its gentle quality by layers and layers of thick, soft clouds. The street was quiet and almost empty, not many people were to be seen today.

Rei had left the factory without telling anyone, one morning they had got up and she just hadn't been there anymore. After Shinji had remembered who she was, one of the first things he had asked was what she had done during the year, why she had left. How she lived now. She had said something that surprised him immensely - _"It was time to move on."_

Move on? Rei? Who seemed to live in her very own little time paradox in which she just existed without thinking of the next day?

But on the other hand, Shinji figured, maybe it was especially her who had always been looking ahead. Not like the rest of them, who had barely thought further than where to get food the next day. Maybe she had seen it all more as the big picture that life was, losing her sense for small details like the others had lost theirs for the greater spans of time.

Though in the end, it was probably no use pondering her words. If it had been the time to or not, she _had_ moved on and that was it. She had somehow gotten herself a job at a small tea shop and the apartment and now she lived. And although he never was in a mood to say something like that out loud, Shinji was indeed happy for her. She had made progress and would be fine. Her world wasn't askew anymore and she lived as normal as she could. Yes, it was really a fortunate revelation.

But still... At the moment, he felt like he moved in a bubble of melancholy, floating somewhere in nothingness without knowing how or where to go back or forward. How could he move on without knowing what had happened in those eighteen months?

Shinji ran his fingertips along the walls as he went, the bricks feeling rough beneath his skin. He liked the sensation. It left his fingers numb after a while, but it was nice.

The quietness of the streets ebbed away as, ever so slowly, more sounds and voices infiltrated the silence. These parts of the city were more livelier - of course they were, it was the centre, after all. Shinji sauntered past fashion boutiques and malls, super markets and discounters, music shops... A cinema.

He stopped abruptly when he felt something bubble up inside his chest, unexpected, familiar. A cinema. The feeling was gone as quick as it had popped up, but it had left two words in his mind.

_Making out_.

Making out? How could he connect that to the cinema? Yes, of course, the back rows were an infamous place to make out, but... He couldn't remember having the money to go to the cinema. And he couldn't remember having someone to make out with.

Someone to make out with. Asuka? Had he not lost his crush in those eighteen months and come together with her? He didn't know, he couldn't imagine; he was sure that if there was more between them now, he would remember that. ... Would he? He had no idea.

But thinking about the subject, the words evoked another memory. Nothing vivid, just the sweet remembrance of a sensation. Vague, and gone as fast the first one. The recollection of how it felt to be pushed back, grass beneath him, caressing the back of his neck where the collar of his shirt ended, and another body pressed against his. Hard and soft and smooth and beloved. A heated kiss.

Blinking at his reflection in the glass door, he noticed that his cheeks had acquired a reddish tint. Was that really his memory? Had he really done something like that with another person? Let them get so close?

Shinji looked his reflection up and down hesitantly as if afraid of what he might see. It was a weird thought, and it had occurred to him completely unasked for, but it was there nonetheless. Had he maybe even - even - ...? With someone? Without any recollection of it now?

Suddenly, he felt vaguely sick at the thought that he might have done it with someone he couldn't even remember anymore. He turned abruptly and continued on his way.

Shinji did not have to search long for the shop. It crouched behind a semi-Gothic church that had been built here some decades ago. Next to the impressive building - although he was pretty sure it was nothing compared to a real European church, not like this one that was designed more to give the city a multi-ethnic image - the shop seemed almost humble, but it looked warm and cosy with its lit windows that seemed very inviting on this chilly Autumn's day. The door's handle was cold beneath his fingers.

When he stepped inside with the ring of small bells over the door, warm air poured over him, carrying a multitude of flavours and fragrances. Feeling slightly overwhelmed, he briefly closed his eyes to allow himself to take in his impressions other than what he could see. Dominating was the scent of rose hips, vanilla, roses. It smelt of comfort and of cosiness. Of things that usually suggested one thing: home.

Opening his eyes again, he looked around. Wooden shelves were lined up all along the walls, the same colour as the wooden floor, and in the middle of the room, there was a table presenting decorative packages of sweets and tea. In the shelves, there were sweets as well, packed tea and tealeaves that you could put into a small bag yourself with a tiny bushel. To his left, there were also tea sets, with filigree pots and cups and spoons, adorned with roses, teddy bears and other picturesque images.

At the other end of the smallish room, there was a counter behind which a young woman with curly brown hair sat on a chair, apparently reading. As the door fell shut behind Shinji with a clink, she looked up and, putting her book aside, she stood.

"Welcome," she greeted cheerily and stepped around the counter towards him. "Can I help you?"

"Uh..." Shinji fumbled with his sleeve. "I'm looking for Ayanami - Rei Ayanami, she works here."

"Ah." The woman nodded understandingly - although Shinji was unsure if there was much to understand in his words. "She's not here at the moment, she's out to deliver an order to an old lady. We do that service for our older customers, you see," she added with a wink and he wasn't really sure what to make of the gesture, but he just stayed quiet because she immediately went on talking. "She left an hour ago, so I guess Rei is going to be back in a few minutes if Sato-san doesn't insist on stuffing her with cake again, you see, she's such a nice old lady, but sometimes she really exaggerates, and she _always_ comes up with cake when she's expecting an order from us, so it might take a while... But you can wait here for Rei if you'd like to," she finished her long speech and Shinji felt rather overwhelmed with so much information stuffed in so few, albeit long, sentences, so he just nodded.

"I'm Ayaka," she introduced herself. "So who are you?"

"Um, Shinji - Ikari Shinji," he heard himself say before even thinking about it.

"Aha." Ayaka looked him up and down once before nodding. "You are a friend of Rei's, I understand?"

"I live with her at the moment," Shinji replied, but when she adopted a mischievous expression, he wished he hadn't said it. "It's not like that," he hastily added, making a vehement gesture to underline his negation. "I'm not her boyfriend or something, I - a friend. Just a friend."

"I see." She nodded with a knowing look that he couldn't quite figure out. Over all, she confused him. He didn't know if he liked her or not. Thus, he was relieved as the door opened with the small bells ringing again and Rei stepped inside. Her cheeks had an unusual blush adorning them due to the cold.

"Ikari-kun," she said as she saw him, and she couldn't hide the fact that she was quite surprised at his sight. Shinji couldn't help it and smiled.

----------

It was four o'clock in the morning when the doctor stepped out of the surgery. Looking around, he quickly discovered whom he searched - the dark-haired boy who had been waiting faithfully for his friend all the time - and the operation had taken incredibly long, tearing at the man's nerves. No surprise, seeing how serious the blond boy's injury was. He wasn't surprised to see that the other teenager had fallen asleep, head lolled aside in what looked like a not terribly comfortable position.

He gently shook the boy's shoulder. With a start, Yuki woke and was disorientated for a moment before the terrible knowledge poured over him and he stared at the adult.

"Is it over?" he asked, frightened of the answer, and the doctor nodded. "So... is he... alive...?"

The man looked at him apprehensively. "He lives and his condition is stable for the time being. But he's suffered greatly and is comatose at the moment. We will have to see if he wakes up. If he doesn't wake in, say, ten days..." His voice trailed off, but Yuki understood. He just nodded and ran a hand through his hair groggily. Maybe Shiro would live. Maybe. But even if, what would they do then?

"You know," the doctor said amiably, "go home and sleep. He lives and the ten days aren't over yet, so there might still be hope, alright? Go and rest yourself."

Yuki just nodded again before he rose. With a mumbled "thank you", he started making his way down the corridor. His steps sounded very loud on the empty corridor. He looked around and noticed that, actually, he had no idea where he was or how to get out of here. On his way here, a nurse had led the way and he had barely noticed where they had been going. With a sigh, he decided to look for a sign, there had to be one somewhere...

"Have you gone lost?"

Yuki cringed at the inquiring voice - he hadn't even noticed that there was someone. On one of the seats along the wall, an old woman was sitting in a flowery nightgown. Her short curls were grey and her eyes had about the same colour.

Not knowing why to lie, Yuki nodded. "Yes."

The lady smiled thoughtfully. He noticed that she absent-mindedly rocked forwards and backwards a little as she returned his nod. "It's not hard to find the way out," she said. "If you have someone to help you, of course. On your own, it's more difficult in most cases." She patted the seat next to her. "Don't you want to sit down?"

Yuki was indecisive for a moment. On one hand, he should really get home now and sleep, he had been up pretty much all night except for the brief minutes when he had fallen asleep on his seat. On the other hand... He wasn't really all that keen on going back to the factory. There he would have to face the others and answer their questions and...

He sat besides her and the old lady smiled. "Is the operation over?" she asked friendly and Yuki stared at her.

"How do you know...?" he questioned in return and earned a smile.

"It is not hard to guess, my dear," the lady replied amiably. "You have been coming past me more than once this night and that you didn't notice me shows that you were rather anxious, and lost in thought, I might suspect. Furthermore, it is past four o'clock. If your dear one were not in a dangerous situation, you would not be here at this time of the night, would you?" She smiled again. Thinking her words over, Yuki had to admit that her conclusions were rather logical. He nodded.

"And?" the lady asked. "Are they going to be alright?"

Yuki didn't know why he was talking to her at all, but somehow, it was very comforting to hear her voice that, through all the years that were written down on her skin in wrinkles and lines, had stayed so tender and warm. He shrugged. "He's not going to die yet," he heard himself say. "He's comatose. If he doesn't wake..." He didn't finish the sentence, but it was clear what he meant anyway.

"Who is he?" the lady inquired.

Yuki rested his chin on his hands. For a moment, he just stared at the opposite wall before he answered finally. "He is the most important person to me," he said. "Although we had an argument."

The woman nodded slowly. "I see," she said and, somehow, Yuki had the impression that she really did.

----------

**I'm sorry that today the update is so late (it's evening here already), but I spent the last few hours in bed because I was feeling feverish, so excuse me please.**

**At the moment, I'm reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen - I started it but gave up half a year ago, so now it's my second try and it goes way better. My English isn't that bad, but there's something about the sentences that sometimes I have to read them more than once. Oh well. **

**Last Saturday, the 7th Harry Potter was released in German. I have to admit, whenever I saw anyone fawning about it, I was like, "Ha, read it months ago already - do you want to know how many die and who?" Yeah, I'm mean like that sometimes. **

**On a last note, concerning Scraps of Gold now, this chapter feels slightly off. Please accept my apologies.**

**Oh, and btw - if I'm very, very, very lucky, I might be able to spent some months in England or something the next year. I really hope so!**


	23. Empty White Floors

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Empty White Floors**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 23/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,457**

It had been four days since Asuka had turned up at Kaworu's and still she hadn't left. Kaworu hadn't made any attempts to make her. He felt guilty and after telling his parents who she was, they had, albeit a little worriedly, agreed to let her stay until she chose to go. They had been there when Asuka had thrown her tantrum. They had appeared in the doorway just as she had collapsed, but they had heard her screams before. Kaworu had just stood there, doing his best to keep her up and from hitting the floor, and looked helpless. It was that moment that had made Justus realize that his son wasn't a shrunk adult, a person that had already found his place like he himself, but a child. A teenager, maybe, but still living in a world that was slightly beyond his comprehension. Kaworu was mature and intelligent and managed to get along on his own if he needed to, but he didn't have the will to do so. And that was what defined if he got around alone or not - and Kaworu had chosen to have a life with Shinji, or a miserable one, it seemed. Justus had known that the brunet was extremely important to his son, but only then did he figure that probably it did go much deeper than most teenage love affairs.

He had carried Asuka to the guest room and left it to Nathalie to get the girl out of her clothes and tuck her into bed.

Nathalie, on the other hand, felt a vague kind of compassion for the girl. From what she had heard her shout at Kaworu, she had pretty much figured what was the problem. And she could understand her. She felt a little guilty for feeling like that, but Nathalie couldn't help but agree at least a little with Asuka. Whatever Kaworu had argued with Shinji about, it had most certainly not been a good moment for that. The brunet had been seriously troubled already when he had appeared at their house in the first place, he had really not needed more worries.

On the other hand, it wasn't hers to judge. Nathalie didn't know what had happened between her son and Shinji, it must have been serious enough to overcome their affection for each other, if only for a moment long enough to let it come to a situation as this. Maybe it wasn't Kaworu's fault. Maybe Shinji had started it and been being nasty. But even if so, it was not her right to know. She couldn't imagine that it had been like that. It didn't matter anyway, because now Shinji was gone and Kaworu was miserable and they had a girl with a serious problem lying in the guest room. It really was no comfortable situation.

She decided that she would talk to Asuka. She herself was no role model in any way, but she had the feeling that maybe it would be a better idea than Kaworu talking to her. The whole thing was just ironic, like plucked out of some bad movie. Kaworu, already depressed because of the whole thing with Shinji, had to deal with Asuka who hated him for taking her crush away from her, although he himself had problems to deal with concerning exactly that. Yes, a _really_ bad movie. The gay teenage boy who has to deal with his boyfriend's ex or something like that. Great.

----------

_What Shinji noticed most consciously at first was the weight. The weight of the boy sitting on top of him, thighs resting against the brunet's sides. He supported himself with his arms, without any touch between them except for their hips resting against each other. _

_The second thing, however, attracted his attention then and held it. The boy's face was completely void of any expression, just a silent stare and some indefinable emotion about his features. Shinji stared back. The other's eyes were of a deep, bloody red and the brunet silently wondered if his tears would have been scarlet. _

_It also seemed to the brunet that they were somewhere in nothingness, without any recognizable surroundings, blind and oblivious to the world there might be. However, he couldn't be really sure. He found that he couldn't avert his eyes from the boy's face and so they just looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity. _

_Shinji didn't even know if he was wearing anything, because in addition to his inability of looking somewhere else, he found that he also could not move, could not even raise a hand. A pity. He would have liked to touch him, to see if he was real - to coax a response out of him, whatever it might be. Was his dishevelled hair really as soft as it looked? Shinji felt an inexplicable wave of sadness wash over him as he thought that he would never know. _

_After a while, when his thoughts had begun travelling after he had realized that his mind was the only thing he could move with, there occurred a thought to him, a weird fantasy concocted by having nothing else to think of than his current situation. He began to wonder if it was really him lying here, unable to move, because he had also noticed that he couldn't make out the borders of his own body. Maybe there was no border. Maybe they were just one and the same. Maybe he even was the eerie boy himself. But at that thought, he knew that it couldn't be true. He had never been so beautiful._

_Whenever the other one blinked, Shinji was sure to see something dark, something sad in his eyes just before they were closed fully to open again with the same, blank loneliness as before. It made the brunet sad to see something so beautiful and alone. He wanted to reach up and lay a hand over the boy's chest to feel his heart beat, to see if it matched his own. Only then did he notice that he didn't even feel his own heart beat. _

_And after an eternity, the boy finally did something. He smiled and it looked so sad and beautiful that for a moment, Shinji was sure his own void heart was going to burst._

The brunet woke abruptly and although all to be seen above him was the white ceiling, he still saw the boy's face in front of him like it was still right there, only an arm's length away, easy to touch and yet unreachable.

Shinji stared up at the lamp overhead. He had had dreams more than once now, fragments of his time with the gang, with his father, once with his mother. But this dream had been nothing like the others. He hadn't recognized the boy, he couldn't even be sure if he knew him - but something told him that he did. Or didn't he?

He turned onto his side, staring at the door. Who was the boy? How had he come to know someone so... extraordinary? And why did he look so sad?

Shinji felt almost a little heart-broken at the thought that maybe he was asking himself these questions about a person that perhaps didn't even exist. That the boy was nothing more than some synapses in his brain going rogue. Could he really know him? And, again: who was he?

The small clock above the door told him that it was just past eleven o'clock. It was a Sunday, and Rei wouldn't have to work today. After using the bathroom and putting on some fresh clothes, he stepped into the room that was something like a living-room, albeit very small. Rei sat at the table, looked outside and sipped tea.

He had gotten accustomed to being around her, and she seemed to feel the same about their current circumstances. He was glad that she was there and he secretly hoped that maybe she would return it. He didn't feel about her like he had felt about Asuka; it was more to him like Rei was his loneliness and his quietness come to life under a magnifying glass, like a part he had lost long ago and that he now wanted to embrace to say, "Look at me, it's hard for me too, but maybe there's something for both of us that we can find together". He had taken a long time to see it like this, but finally, it had come to it and he wasn't sad about that.

He sat down on the old chair opposite to her. "Good morning," he greeted and she looked at him and nodded briefly. It was always like that. They didn't talk much when it wasn't needed. Today, though...

"Rei?" It had taken him months and months until he had dared to call her by her first name, but when she hadn't objected, he had always used it and every time he felt like he was showing off some badge saying, "See? I finally managed something, I'm capable of talking to others like I'm not one huge bundle of complexes concerning social life - I am even allowed to call Ayanami by her first name."

She looked up again. "Yes?"

"Rei, I dreamt of someone and I... well..."

"You would like to know who it is," she finished the sentence for him and he nodded.

"It's a boy and he... I don't know, it was eerie." He looked out of the window, out across the grey rooftops and grey chimneys. For a moment, there was silence as he thought back to how the boy had looked at him.

"What did he look like?" Rei asked, taking another sip from her tea.

"Beautiful," Shinji voiced the first word that came to mind, without thinking first. Blushing, he ran a finger along the windowsill's edge. "I mean, he... he looked very unusual, you know. Red eyes, and greyish hair. Pale." He looked at her for a long moment. "Your hair's not grey, but... If I didn't know any better, he could have been your brother."

Rei regarded him in silence before turning back to the window. "I have no brother. I don't think that I know him."

Shinji sighed resignedly and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe it had really been just a dream. Maybe he would never know. He got up. "I'll eat something," he said quietly before he left for the kitchen. He wanted to be alone.

----------

Shiro looked like an over-sized puppet out of some science-fiction movie, lying on the bed motionless, pale. His eyes were closed peacefully, like he was really just sleeping. It could have really been a nice thought to think it was true, but the tubes and cables and devices surrounding him reminded painfully of what reality looked like.

Yuki's recollection of this week consisted of barely more than white walls and white coats and the sharp smell of disinfectant. And of a gentle voice, tinted by its age.

He had met the old woman more than once after their encounter on his first night here. And more than once, he had found that it did him good to just sit down next to her and listen to her and talk. It was surprisingly encouraging to speak with someone who had already experienced so much good and bad that it all blurred beneath the ambiguous label of "life". It gave him some hope that, maybe, in ten years or so he would have gone on and there would be little left of his current life except his memories. And when he dreamt, there were voices that told him that Shiro would go with him. To find something better.

In reality, Yuki really wasn't all that hopeful. With every day that passed, the likeliness of Shiro's awakening lessened. He spent most of his time sitting in the hospital next to his bed, barely noticing nurses or doctors or other people come and go. And if he wasn't here, he was talking to the old lady or slept at the factory.

The others had not visited Shiro up to now. Yuki wasn't sure why, but somehow he was relieved. He knew that the others still held their smaller grudges against his best friend for making Shinji leave, and although they all were still shocked and upset because of the blonde's attempt at suicide, Yuki felt that none of them was as troubled by it as he himself. But that, he thought, was probably only natural - Shiro was his one best friend, if someone was bound to be affected most, it was Yuki.

His life seemed to circle around the hospital bed now, leaving little space for other things than sitting around in silence, looking at the sleeping face in front of him that he had seen crying and laughing and shouting and blushing. He wondered if he would ever see it move again. The thought was oppressing and he quickly shoved it away, but it was still very present and lurked in the back of his mind to assault him whenever he didn't consciously shut it out - or when he slept.

Sleep was, besides his small visits at the old lady's hospital room, his only relief from the tiring tension that was his life at the moment. It was his secret hideaway, a door that led him back into better times and showed him possibilities and utopian wishes for what was still going to be.

"Hello, Yuki," Mrs Ito greeted him warmly as he stepped into heir room. She was sitting at the table near the window as she always would, and had been looking outside before his entry.

"Hello," Yuki greeted quietly, dropping saplessly onto the chair opposite to her. Gods, he was so tired... He had slept only an hour or two because lately, he had begun having nightmares of sitting next to Shiro's bed and then suddenly the ECG would stop beeping in its regularity with the blonde's heartbeat and everything would turn red as the whole world seemed to consist of only that one infinitely high, piercing tone.

Mrs Ito shifted a little on her chair. "Will you help me over to my bed?" she asked friendly, and he nodded. She was a nice old lady and most of the time, she would know something comforting to say. He liked her a lot and although he felt a little guilty whenever he wasn't in Shiro's room to watch over him, he would often come and sit next to her to talk.

Her skin was very thin and her wrists were frail as he carefully took her arm to support her. She wasn't so weak that she could merely sit around or was unable to do things on her on, but it was always a great relief to her if there was someone to help her, just to keep the old body from hurting a little longer. Yuki liked helping her. She wasn't very whiney or kept lamenting often, but from some of the things she had said during their talks, he had concluded that she didn't have any family - her friends, who had gone to school with her already and whom she had loved dearly, had died before her. He couldn't help but admire her as she sat next to him, telling stories of wars and loves and mischief that lay many years back. Maybe her age and the hardships she had gone through were also the reason that he felt she would understand him, and that he had dared to tell her about how he and Shiro lived with the others at the factory. She had reacted quite different than he would have expected from a grown-up, but he would not have been able to think up a greater and more true response. She had run a hand through his dark hair, nodded, and then continued telling him of her husband who had died long years ago.

"Thank you, thank you," she said as she sat down on the bed, and pulled the blanket over her thin legs. "You are always so very gallant." She smiled at him and he smiled back sheepishly.

"I have to thank _you_," he replied, fumbling with his fingers absent-mindedly. "I'm taking up so much of your precious time."

"Nonsense!" She waved his words aside with a vehement gesture. "Precious time!" She snorted slightly. "I'm sitting around here all day and all night and wait to get home finally, there's nothing else for me to do. And when I can help you, it just makes me happy to have some purpose again." She laid a hand to his face. "You are a good boy, Yuki. And I wish dearly that your friend will recover again. Let me enjoy having you around and sharing what I can, don't apologize."

Yuki stayed silent, but he smiled. Mrs Ito's body might have been frail, but her mind was far from it. He wished some of her strength would have rubbed off on him.

Strength. Yes. Yes, he needed it so badly. Within a matter of days, his whole life had changed so much that often enough, he wouldn't even really recognize it as his own but felt like an impassive onlooker who watched another one's, alien and strange. Could that really be Shiro, stubborn, hot-headed, jesting Shiro, who lay on that huge white bed, motionless, silent? Could that dark-haired boy sitting next to him really be himself? With those sad eyes? The pale skin? How could he even wish for it to be normal again when there was no hope?

"Yuki?"

Yuki sat up abruptly as her voice got him back into reality. She was looking at him inquiringly, apparently she had been saying something - or had she asked him a question? He found that he couldn't remember.

When he did not answer but merely stared ahead, the old woman laid a hand onto his arm and gestured. "Come here," she said. Noticing his hesitation, she went on, "I'm not _so_ frail, I won't break."

And he followed her indication and just let himself be pulled into an embrace, a real grandmother embrace. For a moment, the world was blissfully far away as he closed his eyes.

----------

"Rei?"

She looked up from her book. Shinji had been very surprised at first just how stuffed her apartment was with books. Thick and thin ones, old and new, paperbacks and hardcovers. But then, he figured, maybe it was only natural that once she actually had the means to get some hobby, and the time and opportunities, it would be books. Books had nothing to do with other people and you can just sit and watch as the characters live in their small letter worlds. It had always seemed a very Rei-ish thing to him. Watching.

"Would you like rice or pasta?" he asked, looking at her from the cupboard. After watching her cook three times, Shinji had gladly taken on the task of providing them with meals before she would burn down the kitchen. It seemed to him like a miracle that she hadn't poisoned herself during all those months she had lived alone. Besides, it was another little occupation, another opportunity to give his life some suppose until he could really _live_ again.

Rei looked at him in silence for a long moment before she answered. "Rice," she said mono-syllabically and turned back to her book again. Shinji didn't comment on it - he was getting used to living with her, albeit it was only intended to be temporary, and it actually worked quite fine, but he still felt like he was intruding into her new, better life. Even though it was difficult for him to just say it out loud to her like that, he was very grateful that she let him stay and tried to help him get back his recollections. He wasn't going to complain just because she read so much or anything like that. He had no right to.

The kitchen soon smelt pleasantly of rice and vegetables and spices and Shinji was glad that he was good at cooking - he liked Rei and he trusted her, but not her cookery. Had he been unable of making food himself, he'd have been pitifully doomed by now. There had always been things that they had been wondering about in Rei at the factory, such as if her heart really was made of steel - Shinji had found out that it wasn't her heart, but probably her stomach. Maybe it also chilled the heart down a bit due to the physical closeness.

----------

**It took me a long time to update today, it's almost seven pm here and I just came home from a performance with my school choir - total disaster, don't ask. **

**Anyway, I have Final Fantasy III for Nintendo DS now and just remembered my love for those games. I only played X-2 for some hours, but totally fell in love with it two years ago. Now I want to save up for a Playstation so I can buy the other games. Wish me luck. **

**And now I'm going to eat something, I'm starving.**


	24. Little Bird, You're Calling?

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Little bird, you're calling?**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 24/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,903**

**Dedication to Shini-chii.**

**Song recommendation is Morning Moon again - it's getting old, isn't it? **

_The sky was blue as ever and Shinji couldn't quite shake off the desire to reach out and try to_ _pick a cloud from the heavens, to see if it was really as soft as it looked, to hold it under his nose and discover what it smelt like. Cold air? Sunrays? Freshly washed cotton? _

_With a content sigh, he crossed his arms behind his head, tilting his face back a little. A great, white shape blocked out a piece of heaven. _

"_Kaworu?"_

_The other's eyes opened, blinking against the bright skies that poured light over them where they weren't protected by the wall's pleasant shadow. "What's it?" he asked. There was a hand searching timidly for his, and he took it gently. It was a nice contrast, the cool grass and Shinji's warm fingers. _

"_Why's that wall so high?" Shinji asked, and Kaworu looked at him in mild surprise. The brunet's eyes were directed upwards, into the sky, so that he could only see blue and white and the shadowy brim of the wall, and Kaworu thought that he looked very peaceful and beautiful like that. Not roses-and-sparkles-beautiful, but... Shinji-beautiful. Like the one you liked most just looked to you._

"_What do you mean?" he asked, a little puzzled._

_Shinji shrugged. "It's like you don't want to see anything of the world around you," he went on, blushing at saying something like that about Kaworu and his family._

_Kaworu looked up into the skies again. "When we moved here, there was a lot of robbery in the area. Most houses that were built at that time had lots of that whole security stuff." He shrugged, mimicking Shinji. "That's pretty much it."_

"_Ah." Shinji nodded. That really made sense._

"_But," Kaworu went on and his voice adopted a more mischievous tone, "as we both know it doesn't make the house all that safe." He looked over at the brunet and was pleased to see he was blushing. He liked seeing him blush. It made him look somewhat vulnerable. Kaworu then always felt a little more protective than usual. Not that he was all macho and testosterone, but he figured that one just wanted to protect what mattered most to oneself. Feeling a little stronger was useful in that aspect. Shinji wasn't any less equal with him because of something like that. Sometimes, Kaworu rather felt like the brunet had the advantages because he could so easily wrap him around his little finger with just being his shy self, even if he himself didn't notice. But Kaworu wouldn't complain. It just was like that, and it was good that way. _

"_However," he went on, and he let go of Shinji's hand as he rolled over so that his face was directly over the brunet's, "there's other purposes for walls than keeping something out."_

_Shinji looked up at him, enjoying the suggesting closeness they shared. "So?" _

"_Mhm." Kaworu nodded affirmatively. _

"_For example?" Shinji queried quietly, running a finger along the other's ear affectionately._

"_For example," Kaworu murmured, "keeping something inside. Like, say..." He looked like he was thinking very hard for a moment before he glanced down at Shinji again, taking his face in his hands. "Unruly little street kids, for example..." He leant down for a kiss, but the brunet tilted his head aside._

"_I'm not unruly," Shinji protested with a pout. "And I'm not little." _

_Kaworu quirked a brow. "You're smaller than me."_

"_Only a few centimetres. And most of that is your hair." _

"_And I'm older."_

"_Those four months..."_

"_Makes me older still." _

"_Makes you a paedophile." _

"_Sure, and that's why I like to take in and seduce little boys like you all the time." _

_There was a moment's silence before they both laughed and they didn't stop until their sides hurt. _

"_You know," Shinji gasped finally, "that wasn't so terribly romantic at all." _

"_Oooh, so you want me to be romantic?" Kaworu looked at him daringly. _

"_Who knows..." Shinji shrugged innocently._

"_Okay, give me a moment..." He pretended to be thinking hard again. "In a girls' manga, the boy would say now that the girl was his little kitten or something cuddly else and that he wouldn't want her to run away, thus the wall."_

"_You know about girls' manga, of course."_

"_Of course."_

"_So... A kitten?" Shinji quirked a brow. _

"_There's other cuddly animals." _

"_And I would be which...?" _

"_Well, let's see..." Kaworu looked at him thoughtfully. "My little porcupine, or my little hippopotamus, or my little rhinoceros, or..." But then he was drowned out as Shinji laughed and he leant down to silence him with a kiss. This time, the brunet didn't pull away. _

_Looking down at him contentedly, Kaworu ran his thumb over Shinji's cheekbone. "I really wouldn't want you to run away," he murmured, despite his slight breathlessness sounding less jesting than before. "Maybe I should really lock you up at my home." _

_Shinji stared up at him, not quite sure what to make of this sudden fit of possessiveness. So uncalled for. "Why would I want to run away?" he asked, laying his hand over the other's that still rested at his cheek. _

_Kaworu shrugged. "Maybe you street kids are like those mustangs from the movies - whatever happens, they just don't do without their freedom." _

_Shinji smiled. "Why would a horse run away from where it's warm and where it is fed and watered? Where it feels safe?"_

"_With someone to molest it constantly."_

"_With someone to molest it constantly," Shinji repeated affirmatively._

"_Even if it's a paedophile who's after boys that are four months younger than him?"_

"_Even then," the brunet confirmed, and then he wrapped his arms around Kaworu's neck to pull him down into a kiss. He met no resistance. _

----------

The factory was old and dusty and ramshackle, but never had the gazes travelling along its walls and corridors been more loving. Just today.

----------

There was a soft knock at the door and albeit Asuka did not answer, it opened a bit and a woman stepped into the room after cautiously glancing inside first. She knew it had to be Kaworu's mother. Her complexion was just as pale as his, and her hair was about just as bright, although it seemed more of a cool ivory than his greyish hair.

The redhead had spent the last days in a state of silent co-existence with Kaworu's family, and it was definitely not a state she liked all too much - there wasn't much else for her that she knew of, though, thus she hadn't found the strength to will herself away yet. She had pretty much stayed in the room most of the time, at first because her fever seemed to be nastier than expected and she had to recover, but then because she found out that sleeping was the easiest way to escape reality. She would sleep for hours and hours, deep, sound sleep without any dreams, and when she woke, she turned to her other side and soon slumbered again. Pathetic, how she fled into this mindless lethargy. But she couldn't even scrape together enough of her old, flaming pride to rise and fight on again. It seemed to have gone altogether.

The woman sat down on a chair next to the bed, a plate with some casserole on it. Noodle casserole, it seemed. Asuka found she didn't particularly care.

Most of the time, Kaworu had visited her briefly - _visited! in his own house!_ - and quietly set down something to eat in front of her. Sometimes, he would stay. She didn't even know why, but she found that, strangely enough, she even enjoyed his company somewhat. The knowledge that Shinji had pushed him away just as much as he had pushed her away was deeply satisfying. She knew it was a nasty thing to think and relish, but she didn't care. She didn't want to care. All she cared about was that Kaworu looked just as miserable as she felt herself, and she often kept watching him stealthily when she ate, pretending to not even acknowledge his presence.

He really had gone a little thinner, and while his skin had always been pale, it had formerly been so in a precious kind of way - now it looked more sick than anything. His movements were still smooth, elegant in a pleasantly unobtrusive way, but whenever he didn't pay attention, she noticed, they would seem scatterbrained and loose. Inwardly, she couldn't help but make the nasty remark to herself that he seemed to lack some physical attention to pep him up. Well, it was not _her_ fault.

Still, and against her will, he began to take a place in her small world that for now consisted of nothing more than the guest room, restless thoughts, sleep and... him. The only intrusion was his mother who had sometimes come in her son's place and Asuka wasn't sure if she found it a pleasant change or not.

Today, Kaworu's mother stayed seated next to her, when usually she had just left after checking that Asuka was recovering. The girl was uncertain as to what to make of her company, but she stayed silent.

"I am Nathalie," the woman remarked as Asuka had begun to eat, and the redhead looked at her. "It's not a good situation if I'm always just 'Kaworu's mother' to you."

With considerable force of will, Asuka held back the comment that her current situation was not good at all and that it wouldn't get any better if she knew the name of that idiot's mother. She stayed silent instead.

"Your name is Asuka, I understand?"

"I'm sure your son has told you already," she remarked coolly. Nathalie just nodded.

"He has."

There was a long silence. The food was excellent, but to Asuka it could just as well have been cardboard she was chewing on. She felt listless and lethargic - which pretty much summed up her state of mind of the last days. "I figured that much," she said finally.

Nathalie ran her thumb along the palm of her other hand. "You... like Shinji?"

Asuka paused for a moment, then she shrugged. "Doesn't make any difference now, does it?" she asked. "It's not much use trying to compete with your oh-so-perfect son, huh?" She knew that it wasn't exactly Nathalie's fault that she was so miserable now, but she couldn't help it.

To her surprise, Nathalie gave a very small, and somehow very sad smile, and nodded. "I know," she remarked quietly. "It's terribly easy being jealous of him, isn't it?"

Not knowing what to respond to or even think about that, Asuka stared at her before busying herself with eating again. She didn't even really want to know how that comment was meant. She just knew that, somehow, she felt a little understood at once.

"Du kommst auch aus Deutschland, hab ich gehört?" Nathalie asked suddenly, and Asuka paused to look at her. After years of suppression, the words bubbled up in her chest again. Not the insults she would casually toss in when talking about Shinji or Kensuke or Touji, but the desire to just let the syllables flow from her heart again freely, to explore their taste again after missing them for so long a time.

"Ja," she heard herself say. "Aber ich bin nur zur Hälfte deutsch."

Nathalie nodded slowly. "Justus auch. Mein Mann," she added.

There was silence and suddenly, Asuka felt the desire to just gaze at Nathalie. A woman. Someone who would talk to her and maybe even understand her a little and who was not as crude and idiotic as all those stupid boys. She followed the curve of Nathalie's breast with a stealthy glance, knowing that, one day, she would be just as beautiful, if not way more so.

Asuka put the empty plate aside, pulling her knees up to her chest. Nathalie watched with mixed feelings. "You know," she said finally, "I know it's not easy. But," she tilted her head slightly, "it also hasn't been easy for Kaworu for a long time. I don't want to scold you and I want you to know that I understand you completely, but I will also support Shinji and Kaworu where I can. I owe it to my son."

Somehow, Asuka couldn't even bring herself to feel angry about Nathalie's words. She looked at the wall stubbornly.

"But," Nathalie went on and her voice grew softer, "I also want you to know that, if there's, you know, something you want to talk about with a woman... you just have to come." Taking the plate from the nightstand, she rose. Asuka looked after her as she left.

----------

"_If he doesn't wake in, say, ten days..." _

Ten days. Yuki stared blankly at the ECG, its monotone beeping had long by become some kind of soundtrack for his current life. _Ten days._ Those days were past now, today was the thirteenth day and still life looked no better than before.

He gently laid his hand over Shiro's pale one. It was still eerie to him - that his friend's skin would feel so warm and alive when maybe he'd never really live again. It was also the reason that he wanted to spend as much time as possible around him. It wasn't even that he wanted to be there when he woke, - of course he wanted to be with him when he woke up, but if he wasn't it wouldn't have mattered all that much because the important thing was that Shiro would be back again - but that he was afraid this might be his last days he would be spending with him. It was cheesy, really, but he hoped that maybe Shiro's subconscious would register that, yes, there was someone with him who wanted him to come back again.

Yuki had spent a lot of time thinking about how Shiro must have felt. He imagined how he himself would have felt with a past that quite probably had made him panicky about homosexuality and then discovering that he himself liked his best friend in a rather non-friendship-y way. Of course he still had no clue about what Shiro's life had been like before they had met, but he had figured enough that he must have made some really bad experiences with that kind of thing. He usually was hot-headed and stubborn, but never nasty or unfair. Except for that topic, and that Yuki had only discovered when Shiro had so unmercifully unveiled the relationship Shinji and Kaworu shared.

Where was Shinji now? Yuki had last seen him during the evening when he had gone from the factory, more than two weeks ago - the brunet hadn't come back since. Yuki had figured he'd have gone to Kaworu, and he hoped that he was well. He didn't begrudge it Shinji if it made him happy. He knew that the brunet had gone through his own hardships and if Kaworu was the one he wanted to be with, Yuki was the least one to say something bad about it. He could easily imagine the two of them sitting somewhere, cuddled up to each other. Now that he thought about it, he should have figured as much way earlier. Friendship was one thing, but the devotion Shinji had showed in concerns of Kaworu _had_ made it quite obvious that he didn't regard him as just a buddy. He had spent most of his time with him, and Yuki had never suspected anything. Maybe he was just dumb in such matters - he also had never noticed how Shiro felt about him.

His mind darkened again. After imagining Kaworu and Shinji basking in couple-ish happiness (and he hoped sincerely that they were), his own stupidity in regards of Shiro's feelings hit him like a punch in the face. Maybe this whole misery wouldn't have begun if he hadn't been so dense. If he hadn't gotten angry at Shiro for liking him that way.

He felt like cold fingers closed around his heart tightly. _"You're sick, Shiro. Sick!"_ He had actually called him sick for feeling like he did when he knew that something must have happened in his past to make him so... unreasonable concerning that kind of thing. Of course he had rather meant it to be about the hypocrisy of acting so nasty to Shinji about being in a relationship with Kaworu when Shiro himself was feeling just the same way about another boy - but Shiro had been off all week before, of course he was going to get it the wrong way.

Yuki's fingers unconsciously tightened around Shiro's when he rested his forehead in his other hand. He was such an _idiot_...

What made him stop in his self-scolding, however, was that there was pressure coming _back_.

He froze. For a terribly long moment, he didn't dare to look up because it had surely been just his imagination playing tricks on him. Spending almost two weeks in the same small, terribly white room with just that constant beeping noise to keep him company, of course it couldn't be all that good for his mental health...

Shiro's little finger twitched a little, just ever so slightly, but to Yuki, an ear-piercing scream couldn't have made him more alert. Ever so slowly, he raised his gaze. Maybe, it had just been he himself... Like when you play with a ouija board for fun, in the end it's just you yourself unconsciously moving the glass, even if you think it's a ghost of some sort.

The pale face on the pillow stirred slightly. The nose was ruffled, and Yuki felt something tighten in his chest at the familiarity of the antic. He bent forward, not daring to let go of the other's hand for fear he might wake and discover he had just fallen asleep at the hospital bed.

Very slowly, chocolate brown eyes cracked open, unfocused and hazy. Just as slowly, the dark pupils moved and stopped as they came to rest on the dark-haired boy's face. They watched in sleepy confusion as he began to cry quietly.

----------

The air in the room was always a little dusty, but now it seemed sticky to the border of outright suffocating as they sat in silence, staring at the walls, the ground, the empty wooden crates - just not at each other. They didn't need to see each other's face to know they shared their feelings.

"Two weeks," Akira said, staring up at the ceiling from where he lay on his back on one of the larger boxes. His voice sounded strangely hollow, and it sounded even more lost as it echoed slightly in the huge room.

Two weeks. Just fourteen days until they would have to leave. Fourteen days to change their whole lives. Fourteen days until nothing would be as it had been before.

Yuichi had not been there. He had played outside, despite the utter coldness. Now, he just knew that something was wrong. Even more so than usual. He sniffled and it didn't take long until tears ran down his cheeks like glass pearls. Kensuke, who was sitting next to him, wrapped an arm around his thin shoulders.

----------

Yuki didn't know for how long he sat like that, just letting the tears flow and with them, it seemed, the sorrow he had been carrying around in his chest for so many days. The dark brown eyes just continued gazing at him in silent wonder, still not really back from the sleepy realms they had seen behind their closed lids, and he felt strangely comforted by the fact that, maybe, Shiro wouldn't really remember that he had been crying like a child by his side when, really, he should be dancing. He wasn't one to cry at every opportunity, but he also wasn't macho enough to be ashamed of tears - especially when they were ones of relief, like now. He didn't know. He only knew that his heart felt very light and strangely vulnerable, like it was made of the most precious glass.

Finally, his tears ebbed away. He watched as the dark eyes cleared slowly to the world around them, beginning to take in their surroundings. They lost their haziness, he couldn't see the dizziness mirrored in them anymore that the blonde must have felt upon waking.

The blonde looked at what he could see of the room from his pillow, pupils travelling this way and that, regarding the ceiling and the windows and the nightstand with still somewhat sleepy curiosity. Then, he looked back at Yuki again.

"Hello," Yuki whispered, gently squeezing the fingers that were as warm as before under his own, but much more alive now. He felt strangely light-headed, almost giddy. Gods, it was over... It was _over_... He would no longer have to pray day and night, wishing that Shiro would wake, that he would see him smile again. Seeing that quite a lot of nasty things had happened before this, it might still take a while till that last one happened. But it didn't matter, it didn't matter, because all that was important now was that Shiro would live and that Yuki would not have to feel so alone again.

For a long time, the blonde looked at him in silence, but his fingers had shyly begun exploring Yuki's hand, like he had to make sure that, yes, he was still alive and, yes again, it was his best friend that was sitting here next to him, watching him re-enter the conscious world.

Yuki smiled quietly to himself. At the moment, this was all too good to be true - too good for his brain to register, and he enjoyed the curious sensation of gently feeling fingers on his palm. Maybe Shiro didn't dare to talk yet. Maybe he still had to get accustomed fully to being back again. Maybe he was just in need for some pleasant company - silent company. Yuki didn't really care, because the touches were proof that he wasn't dreaming.

Finally, Shiro looked up at him again. "Aren't you going to say hello when you've just come back from the dead?" Yuki asked quietly, and was rewarded with a very small, but very pleasant smile.

Shiro opened his mouth to answer - and halted. He swallowed, feeling for his throat, attempting to say something. Eyes widening, he stared at Yuki in horror.

"What's it?" the dark-haired boy asked in alarm, brows furrowing in concern. "What's wrong, Shiro?"

The blonde pointed at his mouth, his throat, gesturing vehemently. Yuki felt a clammy hand close around his heart. "It's alright, Shiro," he tried to soothe him down, rising from his chair. "It's alright, please... Don't panic, okay? Don't panic, please... I'll get a doctor, wait a moment, I'll be right back, it'll be alright..." Somehow, he managed to gently push Shiro back onto the bed again when the blonde had risen in panic, and he was glad when the other boy seemed to calm down a little.

With his head full of new worries, Yuki left the room to find a doctor. He hoped sincerely that Shiro would be alright again because, really, those few peaceful minutes between them had been _bliss_.

Closing the door behind him, he turned and went down the corridor.

----------

**This A/N is going to be a long one today because there's more than one thing I want to say. **

**First of all, I hope you are not annoyed by the lack of Kaworu/Shinji lately. But as it is, their plots are kind of static at the moment, there's no real progress now, and instead there's much progress with other characters, so I focus on those. I hope you enjoy the story nonetheless. **

**Then, there's a problem with the weekly updates. I thought I would be able to continue until the end of SOG (which still takes well some chapters, promise) but now I don't think so anymore. I'm working on 27 at the moment and I don't think I will be able to write fast enough to keep up with the current pace of the story. What do you think? Any suggestions? **

**I am also very fangirlish about FF3, still. ****I adore Arc! ****Aren't he and Alus just the cutest thing ever? I'm also fond of Luneth/Arc and Ingus/Arc (notice how obsessed I am with the boy? XP), but of course it's all just total crack. Whatever.**

**I have completely fallen in love with Dollfies. There are many I don't like, but also a lot I simply adore. Their faces are so beautiful. They are very expensive (350€ or something), but I want to save up for one now. Fortunately enough, a lolita can survive without brand stuff. I still have lots of fabric here (33m!), so I will just sew what I still need. **

**Also, my brother and I will ask if maybe we could get a PS2 for Christmas! We want it to be a present for us both, from our parents and grandmother, and we will also pay a part of it. That way, maybe we can afford one! Such luxury! (And more FF! XP)**


	25. Glow

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Glow**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 25/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,048**

**Dedication to whoever invented liquorice. **

**Listening recommendation is Morning Moon. Again. Also, the acoustic version (the one with the piano) of "La Pared" by Shakira, mostly for the last scene.**

The doctor and two nurses had been in Shiro's room for almost an hour now, and Yuki found himself restlessly walking up and down the corridor, too fidgety with nervousness to sit down on one of the chairs lined up along the walls.

He hadn't taken long to find a doctor, and luckily enough, Dr Amano had just been doing routine stuff, checking on a long-time patient, and was easily convinced that, yes, this _was_ urgent. He had been positively surprised at the news that Shiro had woken - he had been quite impressed by the other boy's devotion to his friend and he briefly squeezed Yuki's shoulder on their way to the blonde's room in what was supposed to be a kind of congratulating gesture. Yuki couldn't help but feel at the antic like he had become father or something.

Finally, the door opened again and he jumped up abruptly. He felt his heart drop to somewhere beneath his knees, however, as he saw the doctor's serious face.

"What's it?" he asked anxiously, unsure if he really wanted to know.

Dr Amano took his glasses off to wipe them on his coat before putting them on his nose again, then looked at Yuki. "All in all," he began, "your friend has had real luck. His lungs are okay - otherwise he might have been in for even more trouble. But..." He paused, and sighed.

When he didn't talk for another long moment, Yuki lost his usually very sturdy patience. "Okay, so what's wrong with him now?" he asked, sounding more impolite than he had intended to, but the doctor did not seem to be angered by this - he knew how much the boy had suffered, so losing his temper now was only natural.

"During the operation," Dr Amano went on, "his vocal cords were damaged. An unfortunate event, but it's a danger that might occur when there's an operation so close to them."

"That means...?" Yuki queried, feeling fear rise in his chest.

Dr Amano laid a hand onto the boy's shoulder, looking at him earnestly. "He won't be able to talk again."

What Yuki felt now was very similar to the sensation felt when you miss a step on the stairs. Free fall. "Never...?"

The doctor slowly shook his head. He squeezed his shoulder briefly in compassion. "You can't do much for him. From a medical point of view. Just... Support him mentally wherever you can. It will be difficult for him. But after you've been so loyal to him when he was comatose, I'm sure you'll help him now as well." Yuki nodded mechanically. He stared after the man when he left. Just before he could turn around a corner, something occurred to him - something that should have been so damn obvious all the time.

"Excuse me," he called after him and hurried over when the man stopped and turned. "I - I think I know something that he needs. I mean, really needs."

"Alright...?" Dr Amano quirked a brow.

"I..." Shiro took a deep breathe. "I think what might really help him is a therapy. I don't know very much about his family and all, but I think he's been abused."

Dr Amano looked at him, very serious now. "That's a severe accusation."

Yuki was close to stamping his foot with frustration. Didn't they understand that Shiro needed _help_?! "_Please_," he said, shocked at how begging his voice sounded, "he needs some professional help. He's been acting completely unreasonable and he's already made an attempt at suicide and - and -" And further words didn't come from his mouth, just a sob and only now did he realize how close he had been to tears all the while. He was ashamed for crying now, he wasn't a small child anymore and he had been crying already so shortly ago when the blonde had woken up, and Shiro was back finally, so _why did he have to cry now_?

Dr Amano, however, put an arm around his shoulder. For a moment, they just stood like that and Yuki wondered how weak the doctor must consider him now. Sobbing like a child because he didn't get his will.

"It's alright," the man said, and Yuki was comforted by how deep and soothing his voice was. "It's alright. I'll have someone look at him and when there really seems to be need for it, he'll get a therapy. Okay?"

Yuki detached himself from him, face flushed with embarrassment. "Okay. But," he suddenly remembered, "I don't have the money for that - or Shiro, or anyone. I couldn't pay for the therapy."

"There's organizations who do that," Dr Amano said, squeezing his shoulder. Yuki noticed how warm his hand was. How large in comparison to his own. A grown-up. "I'm sure we will find a solution. There'll be a way."

They looked at each other for another long moment in silence, then Yuki finally managed to ease from his heart what he wanted to say.

"Thank you," he said, barely louder than a whisper, but the man smiled at him encouragingly. Then, he looked at his watch and, commenting that he was late for his next patient, turned to hasten down the corridor. Yuki looked after him for a long while. Then, with a sigh, he turned and slowly walked back to the room's door that he had spent so much time in. It was almost more of a home to him than the factory. The reason was easy. It was where Shiro was.

Taking a deep breathe, he laid his hand to the door's handle. This was not going to be easy. But what mattered was the fact that Shiro lived. He would make sure himself that the blonde would never regret having woken up again. Exhaling, he pressed the handle down.

Upon stepping into the room again, Yuki was shocked to see that Shiro was just about to make the two nurses a scene. Of course, he was upset and everything, but it wasn't _their _fault...

Not knowing what else to do, Yuki quickly stepped past the women and did what was the only thing that occurred to him right now. He wrapped his arms around Shiro's shoulders, trying to keep him still. And fortunately enough, the blonde paused in his panic.

"Don't be silly," Yuki muttered. "I've been waiting two weeks for you to wake up and now you're acting like this just because you can't shout at me for having been an idiot? Don't be silly," he repeated, and, finally, he felt Shiro relax somewhat. Slowly, he pulled back again.

The nurses had watched in slight surprise, and they seemed relieved that there wasn't going to be any trouble. One of them, Yuki recognized her as the girl that he had talked to during the night of Shiro's operation, smiled at him.

"We're going to leave you two alone," she said, gesturing at the two boys. "His state is stable and all, so there should be no complications. None that you don't know of already," she added, apparently thinking of the fact that not being able to talk again might count as complication. "If something's wrong, we're in the nurses' room. And Dr Amano won't be far off, either." With that, she left along with her colleague, leaving the teenagers to themselves.

There was a long silence between them. Somehow, Yuki knew that he'd have felt like a traitor, talking to Shiro, telling him how he'd been while the blonde had been comatose, when he knew he could never get an answer.

The other boy still seemed upset, but he had taken Yuki's hand again and was apparently slowly calming down. His fingers explored the other one's gently, like maybe he could get his thoughts across like this when words literally failed him.

After a while, however, the blonde's head tilted gently, and his eyelids fluttered shut in exhaustion. Yuki would have to get used to that, too. Shiro might have woken up and he would live, but he was still weak. It would still take quite a while until he would be his usual, energetic self again. Maybe he would never be quite the same again, after what he had done and after losing his voice. But it didn't matter. Not to Yuki.

He carefully laid him back into his cushions and pulled the blanket up to his chin, then left the room quietly to tell Mrs Ito of it. He needed someone to talk to.

----------

It was late already when he returned to the factory, and the cold air stung in his nose and lungs. He had talked with the old woman for a very long and, strangely enough, he hadn't been able to shake off the impression that she was up to something. He didn't think too much of it, however, because it was not his right to meddle with her business when she didn't told him of it on her own. He had also sat next to Shiro for quite a while again, watching his sleeping face with the dream-like assurance that, yes, he would wake up again. He would no longer have to pray for that to happen. And when the blonde moved a bit in his sleep, just like he wanted to assure Yuki that he really wasn't half-dead anymore, the dark-haired boy had decided that it was time to go home and let sleep work its magic on Shiro.

Everyone was in the improvised dormitory already, and he almost bounced as he entered.

"Shiro's woken up," he whispered excitedly. "He's woken up! He lives!" He lapsed into silence, however, as he noticed that the others were awake - not because of his announcements, but because of something different. Worries lay in the air, heavy as a nasty smell, thick like fog. Akira sat up a little.

"What's it?" Yuki asked, alerted. "What's happened?"

The other boy looked at him for a long moment. "Someone from the authorities was here. They want us to get out of here." A pause. "We have two weeks."

Yuki felt cold.

----------

Her steps made close to no sound as she quietly rose from her bed. She still didn't like it, but sometimes she just had to leave the guest room - when she needed to use the bathroom for example, like now. She hated the thought that it might be the same bathroom that Kaworu used, the same shower, the same toilet. The same room where he, if he did it, she didn't know and didn't want to know, gave in to less innocent thoughts about Shinji. She was close to trembling with the urge to scream whenever she entered the tiled room with its luxurious-looking tub and everything, but she would manage. She would not be so weak.

Surprisingly, there was light in the hall. Asuka had not expected it at this time, but there Kaworu's father was, sitting in the dim light of a small lamp next to the small couch, drawing. When she came out of the dark corridor, he looked up. To her vague surprise, he smiled.

"Hello," he greeted, like it wasn't in the middle of the night.

There was a long silence before she answered. "Hello," she repeated finally. Silence again. He looked at her for a very long moment.

"Might I ask a favour of you?" he asked then. She frowned slightly.

"A favour?"

He nodded. "I would like to draw a portrait of you. If it is alright with you," he added quickly.

Asuka stared at him. A portrait? She? When looking like she had just risen from the dead? When she hadn't even ever talked to her? He couldn't be serious... But on the other hand, she also felt vaguely flattered and it disgusted her at the same time. "I need to go to the toilet," she replied. "And then I'll go sleep." Without another word, she left for the bathroom door and vanished through it. Justus looked after her. What an unusual girl.

When she came back, however, she stopped briefly before going back to her room. "Tomorrow it would be alright."

He looked at her, surprised. Then, he smiled again. "Alright." She had already made a step towards the corridor when he remembered what else he wanted to say. "Asuka?" She stopped. "It would be nice if you came to eat with us tomorrow. And after that, if you'd like to. I'm sure it would please Nathalie, too."

Asuka stood in silence for a moment. She thought of Nathalie. Of her mature face. Her presence that just seemed to scream one thing: _woman_.

"I'll come," she finally said, and a moment later, she was swallowed up by the dark corridor.

----------

It was weird, how little the fact mattered to him that in two weeks he would have no home anymore. Not even the old factory. But Yuki pushed it aside, caring little for it, just vaguely wasting a thought on it with the note that, somehow, they would find a solution. The other's would find a place to stay, and he would move with them when they had found something. Besides, and it was shocking how very clear it was to him, his home was where Shiro was. It had a reason that he had barely been at the factory for the last two weeks.

Mrs Ito had been quite happy about the fact that Yuki was so happy, and she was still. She had already taken the promise from him that, as soon as possible, he would bring Shiro with him for a visit. After hearing so much about him and witnessing his friend's devotion to him, she was wondering what kind of boy he would be.

Shiro was still weak, and he had yet to get used to the fact that he couldn't talk anymore. It was awkward, and even though Yuki had gotten some paper and a pencil from Mrs Ito, it was unsatisfactory to the blonde as a substitute for a real talk. However, it had to do for now and Yuki promised him that he would learn sign language together with him - it seemed utopian now, but he felt like it was really a goal now to look forward to. What he was more concerned about was the fact that along with his voice, the blonde's enthusiasm and self-confidence seemed to have drained away. After the previous day had been so wonderful, it seemed to Yuki like a betrayal by fate that now, Shiro seemed changed.

Finally, Dr Amano came and gestured to Yuki that he wanted to talk to him. Obediently, the dark-haired boy left the room, anxious about whatever was going to come now.

"Hm," the man said, "I'm sure you still remember our talk yesterday." Yuki nodded. "Well, I've brought a therapist today and she will have a look at your friend now."

"So soon?" Yuki interrupted him, even though apparently Dr Amano had meant to add more.

The doctor nodded. "Yes. If it's really grave, we'll have to do something about it as soon as possible." Yuki nodded again in return.

When he finally left for Mrs Ito's room, he felt vaguely heavy about the heart. Shiro had looked at him in slight panic as he had explained to him that he would have to leave now so the therapist could talk to him alone. He felt like a traitor for leaving him alone like that. The therapist, however, had made a rather good impression on him. A young woman, dressed in jeans and a yellow blouse, hair tied back in a ponytail.

"Yuki," the old woman said finally when he was fidgety, unable to really concentrate on their talk. "Calm down. You've done the right thing. This is going to _help_ your friend. Give me my purse." Quietly, he did as asked. She handed him a coin, even though he was reluctant about it. "Go down into the canteen and get yourself a coffee or a tea or something and calm down a little. It's no use trying to have a talk like this. Talk to yourself for a while, then you will see that there is nothing to worry about." Still not quite able to agree with that, he reluctantly left to head down the corridor and into the lift. This felt all so surreal.

However, it turned out that Mrs Ito had - once again - been very right. After he had gotten himself a coffee and he sat at the table, the cup hot against his palms, he really felt his thoughts begin to slowly collect themselves again, to form more coherent shapes, even though they still were quite random.

Sipping at his coffee, Yuki soon found them straying, hopping randomly from one thing to the next. In hindsight, he didn't even know how he had come to think about that particular topic, but at some point, he ended up pondering Kaworu.

He hadn't had so much to do with him, seeing that he had played with Yuichi and Scraps most of the time when he had come by, or sometimes he would have ended up talking to Kensuke and Touji - the three of them had gotten along rather well.

Still, he liked Kaworu. He was calm and good-humoured and just knew how to treat those around him. Yuki had always admired the latter in others. And after having a rather random talk with him one day, he had been very happy for Shinji to have found so great company.

Yuki wondered what Kaworu was doing now. How he felt about the whole business. He couldn't even explain why, but suddenly he found himself imagining what it would have been like for him if someone had treated Shiro so nastily the blonde wouldn't return home for over two weeks. Resting his chin in his hand, Yuki absent-mindedly stirred his coffee. He'd probably have strangled them. It seemed strange to him that Kaworu would stay so passive when something like that had happened. Yuki knew he wouldn't have. No one was to hurt Shiro, not if he could do something against it. And if he was honest with himself... Had he not known just how great a problem Shiro carried around in his heart, he probably would not have forgiven him for saying all those things to Shinji. But like this? No, things were different in reality. Shiro had behaved quite terrible and Yuki knew he was guilty of having hurt Shinji, but none of that had really mattered anymore when he didn't know if maybe the blonde would never laugh at him again.

Yuki drained his cup with a quick gulp and ended up burning his tongue in the process, but he didn't care. His own thoughts were beginning to sound obsessive to him, like he had nothing else in life but Shiro.

As he rose, he brushed the thought aside that quite possibly, it was true.

He waited in front of the room for almost an hour before the therapist came out, looking neither very pleased nor unpleased. Probably that was a difficult thing in her job. Yuki, however, didn't care much. He jumped up quickly and was soon sitting next to Shiro again, anxious of the session's outcome.

The blonde was pale, staring at his blanket without really seeing anything. He seemed almost apathetic. When Yuki finally reached out to touch his shoulder, he was shocked to notice the blonde was trembling. Wordlessly, he pulled him into a firm embrace.

----------

Kaworu had only wanted to drink a glass of water after Scraps had woken him up by growling in his sleep - it was getting annoying, how his usually deep and refreshing sleep had become so light and easy to disturb since Shinji had disappeared. On the other hand, he wasn't sure if he even wanted to complain. The brunet was somewhere out there, and Kaworu didn't know if he was well or even alive. If something had happened to him, if he was wounded or something, he could have come back - he must have known that whatever they had argued about would never make Kaworu negate him help or something, right? _Right?_

The glass was cold and he felt slightly hollow in his stomach as the cool liquid ran down his throat. Just as cool as the floor beneath his feet as he went back into the hall.

A small cry, however, made him stop. A high-pitched voice. Asuka.

He didn't know why, but a few days ago she had begun opening up. Well, not really, but taking part in life again. A little, at least. She was with them at the meals and sometimes she would sit next to Justus and watch him draw - never for long, though, and she always left whenever Kaworu entered the room and noticed them. Nathalie didn't seem to bother her so much. He vaguely wondered why.

For a long moment, Kaworu stood indecisively in front of the door to the guest room. It was almost two in the morning. Could he just enter? But then again, maybe something was wrong. Even if he couldn't deny that he didn't hold that much affection for Asuka - mainly because she was all too good at pointing out his mistakes concerning Shinji and making it hurt - he just had to check if everything was alright with her. No one else had heard her scream, Justus and Nathalie were upstairs and fast asleep. If he couldn't protect Shinji, he would at least have to try to get along with Asuka. She was dear to Shinji.

He knocked quietly, but as he received no answer, he slowly opened the door. His heart thumped loud in his ears.

The room was flooded with moonlight, bathing everything in its unearthly glow. Kaworu couldn't help but feel slightly reminded of the moment when he had first laid eyes on Shinji.

Asuka stood in front of the windows, her slim body outlined in silver against the dark room. All over the floor her bedcovers were strewn, like she had just thrown a tantrum. Her breathe seemed heavy.

She turned around abruptly. Her long, red hair flowed around her head like a flag, a war declaration, terrible and red and beautiful. Her nightgown whipped up in the sudden motion, revealing a pale thigh before coming to rest over her leg again, delicate as a flower petal.

She was beautiful. Kaworu couldn't help but think this in all honesty as she faced him, standing in the room like a goddess of rage and pride. He had never really seen her as a rival, but had he not been Shinji's boyfriend already, he would have, now at the very latest.

Then, however, all thoughts of that kind were gone as she was very close all of a sudden, too close - and kissed him. Her hands, that looked so gentle and fragile when she sat next to his father, were pinning him to the wall roughly by his shoulders. What was the worst thing, however, was not the fact that a girl was just kissing him when he was sure he was going to die if Shinji didn't turn up soon, but that there was the fleeting thought that he could just give in and kiss back. While his mind seemed paralysed with confusion and shock, the rest of him was, for a terribly long moment, tempted to say, _"Yes, please"_. Horrified, he flinched.

Asuka released his mouth, pushing him back roughly against the wall again. She looked disgusted and hateful and - whatever else, he couldn't quite figure out. He just stared at her.

"You don't even kiss all that well," she hissed, giving his shoulder a good shove once more before abruptly letting go to wipe her mouth, turning away.

Kaworu just stared at her for another long moment. Weirdly enough, he could not find anything of his previous terror anymore. Just slight pity. This all hadn't been about him, or about her. Just Shinji.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, and left. He could hear a pillow hit the door after he had closed it behind him.

----------

**Well. That last scene was a bit unexpected, I suspect. Anyway. Have I ever mentioned I like Asuka? Like, really really? Well, I do.**

**Also, more than 10.000 hits! WOW! Thank you guys, that's really awesome. **

**I hope the long wait didn't unnerve you too much, but I think it's the better solution for now. I'm glad I have a little time to breathe in between the chapters. **

**If all goes well, I will spend three months in the US next year, or 2009. That's amazing! We'll have to save hard for it (plus, it will surely take some considerable time longer to get me a doll -sigh-) but I'm sure it's worth it. Yippee! I'm very curious as to what life in America is really like. Are Americans really as patriotic as they say? Is there really no decent bread over there? Like, brown bread and the really really dark stuff? Haha "**


	26. Friends and Friends

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Friends and Friends**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 26/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,866**

_Her yellow blouse looked strangely cheery and bright in the white hospital room, like a warm July's sun in a dull Autumn sky. Her dark hair was almost black, tied back in a neat ponytail. Shiro guessed that she wasn't even thirty yet - he had to admit that he had always imagined a therapist to look rather different. Older, a little grey, with small glasses and a white coat, like a hospital doctor. _

"_I'm Mary," she explained, smiling at him. "Don't ask about the name - I'm not English or anything, my mother just has a thing for foreign names." She shrugged. He looked back in silence - of course, how was he supposed to answer her? She noticed his sceptical glance and bent down to rummage in her bag. Her clipboard was close to slipping from her knees as she searched through her stuff and he unconsciously took hold of it before it fell to the floor. Noticing it, she smiled and straightened up again, now holding something in her hands that looked like a small laptop._

"_Thank you," she said, taking the clipboard back. She laid it into her lap again, then opened the device she held now. Indeed, a laptop. The keys were black, just as the case. "I thought that writing everything down on paper would be too cumbersome - typing is faster." She winked and switched the computer on. "It's not exactly a computer as you might know it - you can't do much with this except typing and stuff. It's not for surfing on the internet or editing pictures and all that, but instead it's practical for discussing without words."_

_Despite his initial refusals, talking to her was... easy. Almost pleasant. She didn't dig too deep. Asked him about how he felt about the fact that he couldn't talk now anymore. If he knew about sign language. Showed him a bit of it, simple words like "me" and "you". Then, however, she asked about why he was here in the first place. He hesitated. Then again... She had mentioned that Yuki had initiated at all that he was doing this. A therapy. To be normal. Did Yuki want him to be normal? In this moment, for the first time it didn't matter to Shiro what Yuki wanted - it mattered that he himself wanted to be normal for Yuki. Yuki had wasted so much of his time on him, he couldn't continue being a huge bunch of complexes and paranoia. He didn't want to be even more of a burden to him._

_His fingers were a little stiff as he typed, but it did go a little better already than at the very beginning of the session._

I tried to kill myself.

_Mary didn't look shocked or concerned or something, like he had expected her to. She just read the sentence in its short, brutal honesty and looked up at him, her face pleasantly neutral._

"_So," she said. Nothing else. _

_And it was that moment that Shiro knew that he would able to tell her. Not just about the most recent events, but earlier as well. His life with his parents. And everything. _

_He didn't even really understand his reasons himself - to everyone else, it probably would just have been even more reason not to tell her about anything. But what comforted him so strangely was that he didn't have any personal connection to her. Mary got paid for this. She probably had already spoken to more people today and when she would leave, she would go to see the next one. Even if she liked him, she would never be as affected by his story as Yuki. Shiro was terrified by the idea that Yuki might find about his past and that he wouldn't want to have him around anymore - but Mary was used to miserable stories, and she would not accuse or blame him or think him dirty. Or anything. She could probably just shrug off the misery she was told about every evening, otherwise such a job would be a thing of impossibility. Shiro knew Yuki would not have been able to shrug it off. Even if he didn't turn away from him, he would still be shocked and maybe not know how to act around him. Shiro didn't want him to think things about him that he himself didn't dare to face except for when he was having a sleepless night again and every shadow seemed to resemble the towering silhouette of any of them. _

_No, Shiro did not want Yuki to know. But Mary. Mary he would tell. _

Do you want to know how?_ he typed._

"_If you want to tell me," she said._

_And he did. How the gun's barrel had been so cold on his skin. How somewhere in the factory, there had been a loud bang - and how he had flinched, unconsciously pulling the trigger. How Yuki had been there just moments afterwards. _

_He also told her the reasons. And to his surprise, she seemed to be very interested in Yuki. She asked him about what he looked like, what Shiro liked about him. How they had met. He ended up typing more than he had intended to - about Yuki's more quiet character, his smile that Shiro loved so much, his pleasantly calm voice. _

_After a long while, however, he hesitated. This couldn't all be about just talking of Yuki, could it? He had no idea of how exactly a therapy was supposed to twist something in his head, but he wasn't sure if getting all lost in his descriptions of his crush was what did the trick. _

_Finally, his hands remembered how to move again._

Shall I tell you about how it was before I met him?

"_If you would like to," was her neutral reply. Mary seemed very neutral in a lot of things. She made him choose what he wanted to tell her, and she didn't ask questions about what he didn't want to say. _

Yes.

_And so he did tell her until, somewhere in his narrative, he noticed that his fingers started trembling and even though he clenched his teeth until his jaw hurt and his hands sought to end their tremor by grasping the blanket's edge tightly, he found that he could not go on. It was that point that Mary thanked him for the talk and told him that everything had been really great and that she would come back soon - and that she would send Yuki in at once if she saw him. _

_She didn't have to, seeing that he was already sitting nervously on the edge of one of the seats in front of the surgery that wasn't all that far from the blonde's room. She looked after him as he almost hastened into his friend's room. _

_So that was Yuki._

----------

Neither Kaworu nor Asuka ever mentioned the events of that night again. It was like an unspoken agreement and although their relationship didn't improve particularly, it also didn't get much worse. Kaworu didn't even know why, but somehow he felt like he could suddenly understand her feelings and her behaviour a little better, albeit it didn't change the fact that he was still too far stuck in his worries about Shinji to spend much time thinking about Asuka.

It had been almost three weeks now since the brunet's disappearance and his hopes didn't exactly rise with each passing day. Time went by with unnerving monotony, in a strange kind of co-existence between Asuka and Kaworu's family. An unexpected change, however, was brought three days after the incident with the kiss.

Asuka was sitting next to Justus, watching him draw a cat that was curled up under a bush of roses, when she looked up, out of the window - and froze. There was someone at the gate. Someone she knew all too well. Two someones, to be accurate.

Ignoring Justus's surprised look, she jumped up as the doorbell rang and was just in time to head Kaworu off when he appeared at the top of the stairs. Without further ado, she grabbed his arm, holding him back from going downstairs. He stared at her in confusion.

"Asuka, what's it?"

"Don't tell them I'm here," she hissed, tightening her grasp on his wrist. "Do it and you'll wake up missing some important bits tomorrow."

He grimaced, still not understanding, but nodded. "Alright, alright - let go," he added, and pulled his arm back as she loosened her grip. Giving her another bewildered glance, he turned and went down the stairs, shaking his head in wonderment. He could hear her hurry down the steps behind him and then how the door of the guest room fell shut. Weird.

Asuka really was an interesting person. He couldn't really bring himself to make friends with her or something, but she definitely had an intriguing character. If it hadn't been for the fact that he was the boyfriend of her long-time crush, they probably would have gotten along with each other well - but it was no use thinking about it, because there was the whole Shinji business and that was it.

Justus, in the meantime, had already made it to the door and was just opening it. Kaworu stared.

"Hello," the smaller boy said, "we'd like to see Kaworu."

Kaworu came closer. "I'm here," he remarked, stepping next to his father. Justus looked at him, then excused himself politely and left for the kitchen again. For a long moment, there was silence between the teenagers. Finally, Kaworu gestured vaguely.

"Come in," he said. And they did.

"It's _huge_," Touji exclaimed as he put his jacket onto the coat hook, looking about the hall with wide eyes. He turned in amazement, drinking the sight of the large room in. Kaworu couldn't help but feel vague embarrassment - it was an uncomfortable feeling to know that they weren't used to all that he himself had always taken for granted.

Kensuke held back with his enthusiasm, but he, too, glanced around with interest. He had always just seen the house from outside when plotting the raid, but he had never known just what exactly the insides looked like. Wow.

Asuka was in her room, on the bed again. She stared up at the ceiling. The ceiling that had become so familiar by now.

Kensuke and Touji.

Why had they turned up at Kaworu's? What were they doing here? Probably because of Shinji, she figured. Just like her. She couldn't quell the inexplicable hope bubbling up in her chest that maybe they'd get angry with him as well. She knew he was miserable already, but contrary to herself, it was his own fault. He hadn't had to start quarrelling with Shinji when he had least needed it. Idiot.

But... Maybe they knew something concerning the brunet. Maybe he had turned up again at the factory instead of going to Kaworu. She found that she quite fancied that idea. In that case, she could go back, too - she'd get over the thing with Shiro, it'd be way more important if Shinji had actually left Kaworu for the gang.

Reluctantly, she got up again.

The three boys had settled in the living-room - Kensuke and Touji on the couch, Kaworu in one of the two armchairs, one knee drawn up to his chest.

Touji didn't feel like being dodgy now in concerns of opening the talk - not when it was about something important. He looked at Kaworu. "Okay, um... So, where's Shinji?" Yes, it sounded casual enough.

Kaworu didn't look at him. He ran a finger across his palm, feeling too tired to be really nervous about this. "Not here," he said quietly, shrugging saplessly.

Kensuke frowned. "What does that mean?"

"That he's somewhere else," Kaworu replied.

"Somewhat more specific?" Kensuke asked, quirking a brow. Albeit Kaworu knew that this was childish, he felt stubborn defiance rise in him. Why couldn't they all leave him alone? Like he didn't have enough problems on his own, like he really needed anyone constantly asking questions, when all he really wanted to do was shout at them that he'd prefer not to talk to anyone until Shinji was back with him. Or at least until he knew that Shinji was not somewhere out there all alone, having gotten himself into trouble.

He didn't even notice that he hadn't answered until Touji cleared his throat loudly. Kaworu looked aside.

"I don't know, alright?" he answered in slight irritation. "We had an argument and he bunked. Hasn't turned up since." He noticed with slight surprise just how detached and cool his words sounded when he said it out loud, but he was just so sick of it. He didn't want to justify himself to yet more people who, so he knew, would just end up blaming him. He was sick with worries, but he wouldn't let them know - his family was one thing, but Shinji's friends an entirely different business.

"An argument?" Kensuke repeated tonelessly. Touji just stared at Kaworu. He shrugged.

"Yes, an argument," he confirmed in annoyance. "Never had one?"

The next moment, Touji had jumped up and grabbed Kaworu's collar. For a second, Kaworu was pretty sure the taller boy was going to punch him, and strangely enough he almost wished for it to happen, but then Kensuke pulled Touji back, muttering something of, "Leave him alone" and "Don't be stupid". A terribly long moment, they just stood and stared at each other, Touji obviously still fuming with anger. In secret, Kaworu couldn't help but admire how much he seemed to care about Shinji.

"Kaworu," Kensuke began, "I don't know what you've argued about and I know it's not our business, but..." He took a deep breathe. "Shinji's our friend, and it's our business that no one has an idea where he is. Touji overreacted," at that, he nudged the taller boy in the ribs who just responded with a gloomy look, "but I'm also not happy with this." Kensuke sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Anyway, we haven't come only to bicker about that."

"So?" Kaworu sat down again, running a hand through his hair. He didn't even know why he was acting so bratty - it was only natural that Kensuke and Touji weren't particularly pleased with him. Had to be the lack of sleep or something. He brushed his hair back again, feeling slightly groggy. He sighed. "Sorry," he muttered. "I'm just... not very happy about all this, either."

Kensuke and Touji looked at each other, then back at Kaworu. He really looked pretty tired. "'Kay," Touji finally said. "I mean - sorry. After all, you - the two of you..." He broke off. Kaworu just shrugged.

"Okay, um..." He looked at Kensuke. "So what's it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Alright," Kensuke said, pulling absent-mindedly at his sleeve's hem. "The thing is - we're moving. That is, we're leaving the gang. And we wanted Shinji to know."

Kaworu stared at him. "Leaving?"

Kensuke nodded. "Yes." He hesitated briefly before continuing. "Someone from the authorities was at the factory, and they want us to leave. The others don't know yet where to stay instead."

"But you do?" Kaworu asked, quirking a brow.

Kensuke paused again, before he nodded stiffly. Kaworu noticed he looked anxious. "We've looked around for a youth asylum. We'll go to school again and stuff, and look for a job. That kind of thing. We have talked to the headmaster there, and it looks good for us. Three places."

Kaworu blinked in surprise. "Three?"

Touji nodded. "We're taking Yuichi with us," he explained. "He - he was the one who found Shiro. After..." He hesitated. "He made an attempt at suicide."

Kaworu decided not to let them know that he was already informed about that because then he would have had to tell them about Asuka, which wasn't exactly his intention. He just looked vaguely concerned, which wasn't even faked. He still couldn't quite comprehend what Shiro had done. Because of Shinji?

"The headmaster promised he'd get a therapy," Kensuke continued. Kaworu felt relief flood his mind for a blissfully long moment. He liked Yuichi very much - imagining he had been the one to find Shiro was terrible. The boy must have gone through so much already, and then that. Kaworu suddenly felt the urge to take Scraps and go over to the factory to cheer Yuichi up, to see how he was doing. He felt very cold at the thought that he couldn't do that, really - with Shinji gone, his only real connection to the gang, his cause and reason to go there, had vanished. He couldn't turn up there when everyone was probably in a bad mood anyway because of their current situation, when he was practically the reason why the brunet had left them. He really couldn't.

Helpless again.

Kaworu nodded slowly. "Glad to hear," he said sincerely. "Yuichi must have been through so much already." He willed a smile onto his face. "Thank you for thinking of him. I'm sure it's the best thing."

Kensuke waved his thanks aside, but he looked vaguely flattered though. "It's alright," he said, brushing the topic aside with a gesture. There was a long silence. It was Kensuke again who spoke.

"When has Shinji left?" he asked, looking like he wasn't entirely comfortable touching that topic again but was determined to do so, though.

Unconsciously, Kaworu's hands travelled up to rest at his elbows. He looked down at the coffee table. "Three weeks ago," he replied quietly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw them exchanging a glance. He was glad they didn't say anything.

"Alright," Kensuke said finally, "do you have something to write?"

Kaworu looked up. "What?"

"We'll give you the number and address of our place," Kensuke explained. "The factory will be empty in a week. Shinji will come here." He smiled lop-sidedly at Kaworu. "I'm sure."

Kensuke's letters were neat and without unnecessary embellishments. "Tell him he just has to call and ask for us," he added as he handed Kaworu the paper.

"If he turns up at all," Kaworu remarked gloomily. He had long ago lost his usual enthusiasm. Touji didn't answer, but in a sudden fit of compassion, he briefly squeezed the other boy's shoulder.

----------

"Come in," Mrs Ito answered the door automatically as there was a knock. She always knew when it was Yuki outside. The doctors would always knock more boldly, the nurses that attended her were either young and shy or middle-aged and reserved and they paid care to not be too loud - not to startle that poor, old lady, as Mrs Ito suspected. Yuki's knocking was somewhat different. Youth's bold vigour, but dimmed by worries that had long painted shadows into his usually calm, cheerful self.

It had been two days since Shiro's wakening, and Yuki's visits had been short - Mrs Ito couldn't help but understand, Shiro had been the reason that he spent so much time at the hospital, he had feared for his life for almost two weeks and now she thought it was only natural that Yuki wanted to be with him as much as possible.

She had, however, succeeded in persuading him into taking the blonde along for a visit when he was feeling up to it and, of course, if Shiro wanted. He did want indeed, it seemed, for before Yuki had left the day before yesterday, he had quickly dropped by and informed her that quite probably he and Shiro would visit her the next day - which was now.

From the day that she had gotten to endear Yuki as she did now, she had also known that she liked Shiro. Yuki was such a good boy, when he deemed someone worth sitting next to all day and night, it surely had to be a very special someone. And today, she saw her intuition confirmed.

The very moment that Shiro stepped inside, staying behind Yuki closely like he expected to be shouted at when he made as much as a step away from him, she decided that, yes, she really liked him.

He was a pretty boy. Bright blond hair, contrasting his dark brown eyes. Gentle features, still seeming vaguely sleepy from all the time they had stayed motionless. One day, he would certainly be handsome. He was a little bit smaller than Yuki, and not just as slim, but then again she had always thought that the dark-haired boy was too thin.

There was paper peeping out of the blonde's pocket, as well as a pencil. A small bulge just below indicated that quite probably there was an eraser too.

"Hello, Yuki," Mrs Ito greeted good-humouredly.

"Hello," Yuki replied, and he smiled. He seemed more relaxed than she had ever seen him. "Um - this is Shiro, I - Shiro, this is Mrs Ito, I told you about her and - um..." He trailed off, obviously not so much at ease with acquainting people with each other. The nervous awkwardness about the scene was solved, however, as the woman smiled at Shiro and extended a hand towards him.

"Very pleased to meet you," she said sincerely, "Yuki has told me lot about you." After giving Yuki a fleeting glance, Shiro tentatively shook her hand and even let a small smile graze his features.

This afternoon was spent with idle talk and eating cake, Yuki and Mrs Ito chattering amiably as always, Shiro sitting by in silence, of course. He listened attentively to their discussions, rarely concurring something himself by writing down a note on his pad. Whenever he and Yuki had talked during the last two days, it had been using paper and pencil - Shiro felt comforted by the strange intimacy that seemed to be between them when Yuki stopped talking and instead wrote his words down as well. Now, however, it was not like that, but it didn't bother him too much. Mrs Ito was so nice in a grandmotherly way that he couldn't help but like her.

Mrs Ito, on the other hand, enjoyed seeing Yuki so obviously happy. Albeit he rarely lost track of their talk, he kept glancing over at Shiro all the time and it seemed to her that he wanted to assure himself every other second that the blonde was still well and alive. She imagined that maybe he would have liked to have another long afternoon with him alone, but that he had given it up to share it with her honoured her greatly, and she did not belittle it by thinking that she wasn't necessary here. And if everything worked out as she imagined it, maybe she could really do something for them.

After Shiro had almost fallen asleep on his chair and Yuki just barely managed to persuade him into going over to his room, supported by the dark-haired boy, she looked after them sincerely wishing them all the happiness in the world. They deserved it, she was sure.

----------

**Well. At the moment there is the possibility now that, instead of the US, I might actually go to Australia. Yeah! I mean, I would love to see America, but if it really worked out and I got to meet my dearest pen pal, that would be my greatest wish. (And if it doesn't work, I can still go to the US.) Wish me luck!**

**Anyway. I hope you don't find it hard to cope with the story's focus still resting on Shiro and Yuki, but I have to say that this is not an absolute KaworuShinji fic. They're of course the one true pairing in this story, but all in all Scraps of Gold is about them all, including the OCs. I do my best to keep them likeable. **

**I like the interaction between Kaworu, Kensuke and Touji. Heck, this whole story is just about interaction, so I really **_**should**_** like it.**


	27. Delicate

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Delicate**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 27/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,956**

**Dedication to my dearest readers. You know who you are.**

When Kaworu entered the kitchen on a late Saturday morning, he discovered that his parents were sitting at the table already. Albeit he rarely managed to have a happy thought lately, he felt vaguely amused by the fact that on each plate, there was an egg chick.

"Morning," Nathalie greeted before taking a bite from her slice of bread. Marmalade. Kaworu quietly repeated her words as he sat down. Justus took a moment to say something, seeing that he was just sipping on his coffee again. Addict.

"Hm," Justus made, "I hope you don't have anything planned for the next days."

Kaworu looked up, frowning slightly. "Why?" he inquired, brow furrowing.

"Well," his father replied, "we'll have to clean the attic up. Get all the old things out of there."

Still frowning, Kaworu took a sip from his tea. "And the reason for that is...?"

Justus smiled. "You'll turn seventeen next year already. We have a house like this and yet your room is not really large, is it?"

"It doesn't bother me," Kaworu replied, puzzled. Sure, his room _could_ really have been larger, but it wasn't like he had ever complained about it, or like it actually bothered him.

"Besides," Justus continued, casually laying a slice of cheese onto his bread, "your room may be all right for you now, but it will be too small when Shinji is going to move in."

Kaworu stared. "You mean...?"

Justus nodded. "We've done some thinking on it," he replied smoothly, "and we think it really is the best solution. When Shinji comes back and you have your problems sorted out - and if he agrees, of course -, the attic is yours. It's large enough, and it has two small separate rooms as well, so... It's just gathering dust now, anyways," he added thoughtfully, scratching his chin.

At that very moment, Kaworu felt the strong urge to hug his father - or his mother - or both. The prospect of a new room didn't make his situation any the better, but the way that Justus talked of "when Shinji comes back" like it was really just a matter of time was an undeniably hopeful thing. Of course it didn't change much, but then again... In some cases, hope generally doesn't. So why not enjoy its useless beauty.

Before he could get up, however, Asuka entered the room. She looked serious and out of humour, and sat down without a word. Kaworu wondered if she had overheard their conversation.

Asuka didn't talk much that morning.

----------

It had been more than a week now since Shiro had woken and for Yuki, the time with him was bliss. After those dreaded thirteen days that had consisted of nothing but worries and that anxious tension, knowing that the blonde was well, relatively at least, and alive was everything needed to make him happy. For hours and hours he would sit next to his bed or, as soon as he was allowed to get up for longer time, explore the hospital with him. The building had a beautiful winter garden, as they discovered, and they enjoyed spending their time there. Mrs Ito watched these changes in Yuki with great pleasure. She had never seen him so happy. And the time that the three of them spent together just made her all the more confident that everything would work out as she would have liked it to.

Shiro's therapy did go well. At least Yuki suspected it, because albeit the blonde always was quite tensed up and restrained after the sessions, he seemed more and more at ease with himself soon. Yuki himself was not allowed to be present during the therapy talks, but the change in Shiro was more than enough to satisfy him.

It was a chilly morning in November when he went to see him again. The blonde sat at the window, the omnipresent paper and pencil beside him, and looked outside. At the sound of the door opening, he turned abruptly and Yuki was pleasantly surprised to find on his face a bright smile.

"Hi," he greeted, taking off his jacket. As he sat down, Shiro was scribbling ferociously on a blank sheet. He almost dropped the pad in his eagerness to show Yuki his writings. Despite his usual habits, it was all in capital letters, screaming their message at him in their familiar untidiness.

_I ASKED AND THEY SAY YOU CAN STAY FOR A NIGHT IF YOU WANT TO._

Yuki stared at him, noticing that Shiro was looking back in a mixture of anxious nervousness and eager expectation. He laid the paper down carefully and retraced its edge with the tip of his index finger. "Well, if the doctors say it's all right..." He shrugged slightly, but he couldn't help but feel deep satisfaction at how happy the blonde looked about his answer.

It was indeed a nice thought, not having to walk an hour through the cold again this evening, and instead staying close to Shiro and sleeping in a real bed after an eternity without. The hospital room was always warm, too. Yuki felt an almost childish joy as he thought that they would be having a sleepover like normal friends just did. Well, not really, but one could always pretend.

When they went to visit Mrs Ito, she seemed very pleased and was happy for them.

----------

Yuichi shivered. He pulled the blanket closer around himself. He didn't dare to close his eyes, afraid of what pictures he might see if he did.

Shiro. On the floor, lying in his own blood. Yuki, crying. His mother.

His fingers tightened around his shoulders, there was a small, sharp sting. Blood at his nail.

"Yuichi?"

He flinched violently, and as he looked up, he resembled a small animal looking at the car coming towards it.

Touji ruffled his hair and then put an arm around his frail shoulders. "Come," he said. "It's time. Let's go."

Yuichi let himself be helped up. He made no step forward, however. He looked at the floor. "Will Shinji come back?" he asked.

There was a small silence, then Touji laid a hand onto his shoulder. "When he's back, you're the first to know. Alright?"

Yuichi stayed quiet for a long moment, but then he nodded and slipped his small hand into Touji's larger one.

"Let's go," he whispered.

----------

"_Have you ever heard of near death experiences?" Shiro asked softly, crossing his arms behind his head. He looked over at Yuki, who had no problem making out his friend's face despite night's dark veil - the moonlight that poured in through the window adorned everything with silver edges and made it clear and bright to him. _

_Yuki nodded slowly. The scent in his nose was unfamiliar and strange, but weirdly pleasant. The sharp smell of disinfectant, mixing with the fabric softener's peach flavour. _

"_I had one," Shiro said, looking up at the ceiling. Yuki retraced the gentle curves of his forehead and nose and lips with his eyes._

"_So?"_

"_Uhum." A nod, almost imperceptible. "It was... interesting." A small pause. "Peaceful." He closed his eyes, smiling that small quiet smile that he had begun to have after his awakening. "I was alone at first. And it was... well, dark." He opened his eyes, looked over at Yuki and, after catching his glance, shut them again. "There was music. Not like any instruments, you know, like... What souls would sound like if they could sing." He sighed. "And I could feel the music. And taste. Smell. Everything." _

_Yuki turned to his side. Watching him while lying on his back was getting tiring soon._

"_Shinji was there," the blonde went on quietly. "With Kaworu. They looked happy, you know. And..." A pause again. "Shinji said he forgave me. He said he knew I didn't mean it like that and that - that he wished me to be happy." A short, self-ironic smile. "You know, it was then that I knew it wasn't real. Forgiveness doesn't come to you just by dying." Shiro sighed. _

_Yuki sat up. "Shiro..."_

_Shiro gestured vaguely. "No, I - it's alright, really," he said. "I don't think I would forgive myself now if I was in Shinji's place. I was really just... nasty." Another sigh. "I should have known how precious it was what I made bad to him." He brushed a strand of hair out of his face. "You were there, too."_

_The blonde propped himself up on his elbows and looked over at Yuki. The dark-haired boy watched as he got up and sat down next to him on the bed. He could feel the mattress caving in slightly where the other boy's weight rested on it. He didn't resist when there was a hand sliding under his shirt, to a place just below his shoulder blade. _

"_I know where that is from," Shiro said softly._

_Yuki stared at him, wide-eyed. He couldn't know - Shiro couldn't know - he hadn't even known him when it had happened - it couldn't be true. _

_But where he knew it from didn't matter anymore. It was just _that_ he knew it. _

"_It's not your fault," Shiro remarked quietly, pulling his hand back. _

"_I know," Yuki muttered, looking aside. _

_The blonde smiled lop-sidedly. "But you also have to accept it," he replied softly. "Knowing and accepting are two very different things." He leant forward and gently pressed a kiss to Yuki's brow._

As he opened his eyes, the ceiling above him was white and unfamiliar. Unknown.

Stealthily, he reached under his shirt, feeling for his back. Yes. Yes, there the scar was still. He had given up hoping that it would vanish someday. It was going to stay with him.

His skin was glowing beneath his fingers. It really was rather warm here. He didn't dare to open the window, though - he didn't want Shiro to get cold or something. The blonde was feeling better with every passing day, but, like the doctor had put it, his health was still to be handled with care.

Wondering if maybe he should get up to drink something, he turned to his side - and halted.

Head resting gently on his pillow, Shiro was apparently wide awake, looking at him with a small, strangely knowing smile.

Yuki stared back.

----------

Shinji absent-mindedly adjusted his scarf as he watched a pigeon pick away at the crumps of bread that an elderly man had spread on the ground. Its small, glassy eyes watched out restlessly for possible dangers while the round head bobbed up and down in its haste to get all the food before any other birds might come to claim it.

He sipped at the hot chocolate that warmed his fingers through its polystyrene cup. After buying some groceries for the next days, he had passed a stall selling crepes, waffles and sweet stuff of all sorts, including matching drinks. He had given in to the temptation of buying something hot and sugary to defrost his insides, albeit a little guiltily - it was Rei's money, after all.

A fat, dark grey pigeon landed just barely a meter away from him. It cocked its head and stared at him with small, red eyes.

Red eyes.

The dream of that eerie boy hadn't let go of his mind yet, he still found himself pondering his strange looks and doubtful identity when he didn't have other problems bothering him.

He had also thought about going back to the factory - but then he had always brushed that idea aside with something resembling nervousness. He didn't know what had happened during the last eighteen months. He didn't know if the gang even existed anymore like that. Why had he been out in the streets at that time of the night anyway? It wasn't even near the factory. In fact, it was quite a distance away. If he didn't live with them anymore, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know why. Had he maybe argued with them? Had they split up?

Thoughtfully, he drained his cup and as he rose, the pigeon fluttered away in a flurry of dirty feathers.

----------

Yuki watched as Shiro stretched his hand out towards the small animal, slowly, ever so slowly drawing closer. The bird hopped backwards nervously, turning its small head right and left in alarm, and hadn't there been the glass wall behind it, it would probably have fled by now.

They weren't sure how exactly it had gotten inside - maybe someone had left a window open and the bird had gone lost, but what they knew was that when sitting around in the winter garden, they had heard some fluttering overhead and, really, there had been the bird. Small and brown, eyes beady and blue and clear.

Abruptly, the bird set off, whirring past Shiro's ear and over to the small table where it landed and hid behind a chair. Yuki watched in amusement - maybe unjust amusement, seeing that the bird probably wasn't terribly happy at all - as the blonde's brow furrowed and he set after the feathery one with all the stubborn enthusiasm of a small boy who had discovered that apparently a cuddly animal didn't _want_ to be rescued. A few moments and an audacious leap later, the bird was in his hands.

Shiro gently ran a hand over its head. His forehead rested against the tabletop's edge and his knee was resting a little painfully against a chair, but he didn't pay much attention. The small creature seemed to consist only of feathers, soft, tousled feathers, and its tiny heart that beat against his fingers, so fast that it seemed it wanted to spring out of its small chest.

Lost in thought, Yuki smiled. He would never stop liking Shiro's almost childlike love for adventurous undertakings, be it nicking some more coins than absolutely needed - and he was the only one of all of them who actually dared to because he was the one who was best at it - or just dragging him along when he had decided to explore another left building. Probably it was that youthful excitement that had covered up the darker streaks in his mind so long from Yuki.

Shiro turned to look at him, the absent-mindedly gentle expression on his face changing to a proud, wide smile. It was moments like these that the dark-haired boy thought that it wasn't all that great a loss that Shiro couldn't talk anymore because he felt like words would just have disrupted them anyway. Then again, he also missed their long talks they would have sometimes at the factory, when one of them couldn't sleep and they would just sit on the roof and talk - or say nothing and let the night tell them of its mysteries.

He crouched down next to him, trying to fit his head under the table. Shiro didn't have as many problems, seeing as he was currently sitting on the floor - kind of, at least. It still didn't look very comfortable to Yuki.

"We should take him outside," he remarked quietly, and Shiro nodded, fondly running a hand over the bird's coat. It pecked at his thumb, scandalized, and the blonde smiled amusedly. Something else that Yuki still hadn't got used to. Missing his laugh.

Suddenly, he felt quite cold. It was always a terrible thought, remembering that he would never hear him laugh again. He had been so proud of it when he had been the first one at the factory to actually hear Shiro laugh, after taking so long to get him out of his shell.

The world outside was grey and dull, but the sun peeked through a crack in the clouds. Its light bathed the scenery in liquid gold as Shiro held up his arm and the bird fluttered away with hurried beats of its wings and a relieved chirp, and if the sunrays couldn't warm Yuki, the blonde's cheerful joy certainly did.

----------

"Naoki?"

Akira's black-haired head peeped around the corner, looking at his friend. Naoki looked up.

"What's it?" he inquired listlessly. Of late, none of them were very cheery.

Akira gestured with his thumb. "Have to talk to you," he said, shifting his weight nervously. "It's important." His interest spiked, Naoki got up.

A minute later, he decided that, yes, it was important indeed.

----------

Yuki watched in silence as Shiro helped himself to another candy from the small bowl on Mrs Ito's table. She had quickly discovered his weakness for sweets - that the blonde still had functioning teeth was a miracle to Yuki - and now enjoyed spoiling him rotten like he was a long-lost grandchild, presenting him with a bonbon here and a lollipop there, and maybe he would like yet another liquorice drop? Yuki felt vaguely amused by the way that she quickly seemed to "adopt" his friend - and it wasn't like he couldn't understand. Shiro had to be the dream of all grandmothers, with a winning, cheerful smile, blond hair that curled just the tiniest bit about his ears, and dark brown eyes that could look ever so pleading if catching sight of something sugary.

Yuki was torn out of his musings, however, when there was a gentle pull at his sleeve. He looked up - it was Shiro trying to catch his attention, quickly pulling back his hand when the dark-haired boy looked at him. He nodded in Mrs Ito's direction, almost imperceptibly so.

Mrs Ito smiled amusedly. "Well," she said, clapping her hands like she was looking at a bunch of kindergarten children, "now that I have your attention... I'm going to tell you something."

Something in her voice made Yuki lean forward a bit, curious. Her tone was different from when she would tell them about her husband and her cat that had run away last September. She sounded just as cheerful as ever, but a little anxious. Why, he could only wonder.

"Alright then," she went on. "As you know, I'm still waiting to get out of here - it seems that it will take at least two more months until I can go home." She sighed. "Anyway, I'm afraid now that my flowers will be dying, and I think my furniture is gathering dust already and all that. With no one to take care of that."

Yuki quickly glanced over at Shiro. He had a vague idea where this was heading, but he couldn't really believe what ideas began to form in his head.

"And thus, I think I might need someone to look after my apartment until I'm back."

That needed some seconds to settle. There was silence as Shiro and Yuki looked at her, at each other, back.

"Of course," she added, "I will not request that from you without a reward." She looked at them. "You told me that Shiro is going to be discharged from the hospital in ten days, and I figure that it might be very cold at the factory, so, and only if you would like to, of course, you can live at my apartment, at least until I am back. But after that, I could still need someone to help me doing the shopping and everything," she added in an afterthought.

There was a long silence as both boys stared at her. Yuki felt Shiro reaching out for his hand, unbelieving, but he barely noticed. Finally, he found some words that, maybe, were appropriate. Or not.

"But - I mean, we - we don't want to take up your space and such, and if we're just disturbing, I mean, just - er," he stuttered, wishing that Shiro's voice was back so he wouldn't have been forced to do the embarrassing stammering himself.

Mrs Ito made a placatory gesture. "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think it wasn't alright for me," she said, and Yuki had the impression that she just barely hid a smile. "It's more of a question now if you are comfortable with it." She paused very briefly. "It's not exactly huge, but it's more than enough space. There is a guestroom, and it has two beds. That would mean of course that you would have to share a room, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that -"

"That's fine with me," Yuki blurted out, and, blushing slightly over his boldness to interrupt her like that without even asking Shiro for his opinion first, looked over at the blonde. Shiro looked back, unsure for a moment, then he nodded slowly. His hand slipped from Yuki's as he leant back and only now did the dark-haired boy really notice how warm it had been.

"Then it's settled," Mrs Ito said cheerfully, and smiled at them. Shiro bent forward to fish a bright pink strawberry bonbon out of the glass bowl.

It was rather dark already when Yuki finally left. He and Shiro had spent a long time talking about Mrs Ito's idea, writing on that small, so familiar writing pad. The blonde looked so tired that Yuki was afraid he was going to tip over every moment, and he wasn't surprised at all when Shiro was already pretty much asleep when he took his leave.

"G'night," Yuki muttered, unsure if Shiro had even heard it. The blonde looked very peaceful, curled up under the blanket like that. For a long moment, the dark-haired boy stood by his bed, indecisive. Nervous. Then, he brushed a strand of blond hair out of his friend's face, switched off the bedside lamp, and left, not allowing himself to look back.

----------

The darkness was thick as ink and soft as velvet around her, playing through her hair and clothes like a breeze. Her fingers easily found her few possessions, and they were quickly stored in the bag. It's surface was rough beneath her skin, rough where patches covered up its flaws.

Her hair was comfortingly soft and heavy on her shoulders. It was black now, but it was a good thought to know that to any onlooker who dared to shed light onto her, it would be red like the war declaration that burned in her mind.

She shouldered the bag and stood. It wasn't very heavy, seeing that she didn't own a lot. At the door, she looked back into the room once more. It had never been a home to her, but sometimes it had felt like a resort.

Weirdly enough, she felt a little guilty as she picked some packages and glasses from the shelves in the kitchen. Not towards Kaworu, but Nathalie and Justus. She wasn't sure if she was even able anymore to really like anyone, but it seemed to her that Kaworu's parents had come pretty close. How ironic. How absurd.

She was surprised when she actually felt a kind of vague, what was it, melancholy maybe, as a gentle, cool wind brushed through her hair and beckoned her outside. The door handle was cool beneath her fingers and for a moment, she felt tempted to get back into her bed and pretend she had never wanted to go away. But then she thought of Kaworu and how Justus had offered that Shinji could live here, and she grew cold again. She wouldn't gain anything from this. Even if the idiot turned up again, he was going to be around Kaworu all day and all night and she would only be able to see him with his boyfriend close by. No, there was nothing left here. Like at home, like in the factory. There was nothing.

And so Asuka left, closing the third door in her life behind her.

----------

**First of all, the obligatory: MERRY CHRISTMAS! Wow, I never thought I'd come to say that ever to SOG readers. Never thought the story would be that long. Also, the end is finally coming into view, I'm finally beginning to write towards the ending of the plot. (Which is still some chapters ahead, but you get the idea.) **

**Maybe if I manage to get the chapter I'm currently working on ready until then, I will put 28 up on Sylvester. (I think it's New Year's Eve in English? The 31st of December, anyway.) I love Sylvester! We always watch Dinner for One, which is kind of a tradition here in Germany. (And I always lose count of how many times James stumbles! Duh!) **

**I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, and enjoyed reading this chapter and Scraps of Gold in general. **

**Truth to be told, I don't want to come to the end. This story will be the first longer one I actually finish, and I'm always having a hard time letting go, of whatever it might be. There also won't be a sequel, because I think one end is enough. **

**Well, what's going to happen now? With Shiro and Yuki moving into Mrs Ito's flat and Asuka gone from Kaworu's family? I leave it up to you to guess! (.. and you just leave it to me to give answers -lol-) **


	28. Pastel Green

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Pastel Green**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 28/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,081**

**Song recommendation is "Shut your eyes" by Snow Patrol. **

Kaworu hesitated. He really wasn't sure about this. Asuka hadn't turned up at breakfast, but he was quite certain that she was just being moody again, or didn't want to eat anything, or whatever. His mother, however, had insisted that he went to check if everything was alright with her, and ignored her son's feeble protests. He wondered how it had happened that Asuka had begun feeling, say, less cold towards Nathalie. Maybe it was just a girls' thing.

With a sigh, he knocked. And got no answer. For politeness' sake, he kept standing at the door for another long minute before he pushed the handle down and looked inside.

The room was empty. The bedcovers were folded neatly, and the sheer, white curtains drawn shut.

Asuka was gone.

----------

The walls were painted in a light pastel green, the curtains of the same colour in a darker shade. Together with the furniture's bright wood, it made the apartment look homely and welcoming and Yuki felt strangely touched. He sniffed. It smelt of... of grandmother. It was weird, he knew it, but there was something about the rooms of older people that was just different and that you could somehow smell. Maybe it was just the sheer fact of housing so much lifetime in a space that just can't compare to the distances the inhabitant had seen and gone already.

Shiro set his small bag onto the floor and looked around. Yuki knew the first thing he would do was exploring the apartment, thoroughly. And indeed, already the blonde bustled off to pry the nearest door open and peer inside.

As much as he would have liked to let him have his fun, however, Yuki called him back.

"Shiro?"

Shiro turned, excited curiosity still edged into his features. Yuki rummaged in the bag and pulled out a small package, waving it tellingly. The blonde made a face, but Yuki already looked into the next room and, surprisingly enough, it was the right one - the kitchen.

It was not very large, but its light colours made it look roomier than it was, and it wasn't like they had high demands anyway.

The glasses were neatly standing next to each other on a shelf above the sink and Yuki took one and filled it with water. Shiro was standing in the doorway, not looking all too enthusiastic. Sometimes Yuki imagined he knew now what a mother must feel like when her darling refused to eat his vegetables. It must be just as annoying as talking Shiro into taking his medicine everyday.

He handed him the glass and then took the pills out of their small cardboard boxes. This had become a routine already, he didn't have to think about it anymore. One of these, a half of those, and another one of those...

"Medicine first, then you can go play," he said and felt like a mother hen. Mockingly, he patted Shiro's head and earned a pout that turned into a small grin. Then, the blonde quickly swallowed the medicine and gulped down his water. Yuki looked after him as he gave the glass back and was out of the door again in a matter of seconds. He could hear him open a door.

With a sigh, he went over to the sink and put the glass down. The medicine was just to stabilize his circulation and all that, but he knew that Shiro hated being dependant on pills, or medicine in general. It wasn't like he was going to drop dead any moment without them, but the chances of a breakdown as an after-effect or a relapse and ensuing, new health problems were considerably higher without them. And so it was four more weeks going through this hassle.

He found Shiro in the living-room, looking outside at the balcony. Some flowers were hanging their heads on the windowsill and Yuki made a mental note to water them soon. Mrs Ito would be happy about that.

"It's nice," he remarked, looking about. There was a TV, too. Shiro nodded. "Have you found our room yet?" Yuki questioned on. The blonde shook his head. "Then let's look for it."

That suggestion was obviously to Shiro's tastes and he was at the door before Yuki had even thought about turning around. Oh well.

The first door they opened led to a bathroom. It was surprisingly roomy and there was a combined bathtub and shower. A window on the left poured soft afternoon light inside.

The second door showed a bedroom indeed, but it was only one bed and after quickly guessing that this was Mrs Ito's, they closed it again.

The next one it was, then. It was larger than they would have suspected, with two beds, one at the left wall and one at the right one. There was a window above each, on the side of the left one and at the head of the right one. Shiro looked around approvingly and gave a low whistle. Uneasily, Yuki glanced over at him stealthily. It still unsettled him how Shiro could still make that useless sound, but never be able to say a word again. Of course it was because you just needed your mouth and a pair of lungs to whistle, but still. Yuki knew he would have traded the whistling for Shiro's voice at any time.

Shiro hopped onto the left bed enthusiastically. He looked up at Yuki, apparently satisfied with the mattress's amount of bounciness. Yuki smiled lop-sidedly and sat down on the other bed.

"Okay, it's yours," he gave in. Shiro smiled and, stretching, he lay back. His arms were crossed behind his head as he looked over at his friend. Yuki watched attentively as the blonde mouthed a question. He had become a little better at reading from his lips, albeit he still didn't understand everything. It had just kind of developed that way when writing notes became too annoying. That they saved for when their minds were heavy and they deemed it worth enough to take the time of writing it down. Which was often enough.

Yuki laid back on his bed, mimicking Shiro's position. "I like it," he said simply. "It's larger than I thought it would be," he admitted. "And it's warm." He smiled as Shiro gave him a small grin and the blonde turned onto his stomach to bury his face in the pillow, eyes drifting shut. He gave a barely noticeable nod as if to agree with Yuki, then shifted a little until he was comfortable.

With a small sigh, Yuki shifted to lie on his side. "Don't you fall asleep on me," he remarked mockingly. "We still have to do the shopping and clean up a little. And you haven't eaten anything proper yet." That earned him merely a sleepy look from Shiro. Yuki wrinkled his nose, blinking lazily. "Alright, ten minutes. But only ten. Then we'll get that stuff done."

But it was until late evening that only the gentle breathing of two sleeping boys filled the room.

----------

Alright, margarine, milk, bread, eggs, salad... He had already gotten these and most of the other stuff on the list, what was still missing was the noodles for the soup that he was going to make tomorrow.

Shinji folded the wrinkled piece of paper once and slipped it back into his pocket. He better hurried up a little, it would get dark soon. Strangely enough, he wasn't terribly comfortable anymore with being outside in the streets when it was dark. He wondered vaguely why.

----------

Kaworu rubbed his temples tiredly. Despite the fact that it was freezing cold and he really should be sitting at home now, doing his homework, he just couldn't convince himself to rise from the bench and just do it.

He had just gone outside with Scraps for a bit, and then he had somehow ended up in the inner city and now he was here, sitting on the bench with the puppy at his feet and didn't know why. He found himself looking through the crowd, absent-mindedly scanning the faces for that one that he wanted to have back. No such luck so far.

It was surprising how many people were shopping for Christmas already. Okay, it was getting colder and sometimes the air tasted threateningly like snow already, but it wasn't quite Christmas yet.

He also didn't really want to go home. His parents were going to depart next week. Only for some days, but he knew he was going to miss them terribly. How ironic.

Kaworu knew that Justus had tried to do most of his work at home lately, or arrange it so that he wouldn't have to trip to God knows where. But now there was that _terribly_ important conference and he had to go and Kaworu had heard himself that, really, he would be okay and Nathalie didn't have to stay here and knew that, before Shinji had changed it all, he would just have acknowledged their leaving with a shrug.

With a sigh, he bent down to scratch Scrap's ear. The puppy had really grown a lot, its fur was shinier and its eyes didn't seem all that unproportionally huge anymore. Scraps really was barely a puppy anymore. But still Kaworu thought of him as that, because "dog" just seemed a word so much more impersonal than the endearing, familiar "puppy".

A warm, wet tongue licked over his thumb and he smiled lop-sidedly, absent-mindedly remembering how Shinji had done that once and then they had both thought back to the evening when Kaworu had startled the brunet with doing just that, and then they had both laughed.

He looked up. It was getting dark already, the blue sky had faded into a pale purple and would soon be twinkling with stars when night bled its midnight black onto the horizons.

Kaworu ran a hand through his hair, letting his gaze travel over the crowd for the hundredth time today. And he froze.

It had only been a second, maybe only the fraction of a second, but that slender silhouette seemed sweetly familiar, bent a little under the weight of the shopping bags he carried, the face well-known because he had mapped it out with his lips so many times he had lost count of it. The brunet's cheeks were reddened from the cold and his scarf was pulled up to his nose, but Kaworu was sure it was him, it had to. Had to.

He jumped up - and got his feet tangled in Scraps' leash. With a gasp, he fell and managed to throw a girl off her feet as well in the process.

Scraps barked agitatedly and the girl looked at him like he had set her skirts on fire, but he didn't care, he didn't care, he hastily freed his feet from the leash, picked the puppy up and got to his feet hurriedly. He knew he should have helped her up or something, but that all didn't matter now.

He dived into the crowd and found himself jammed between people pushing and pulling and talking and not thinking in the least of making way for him to get to the brunet quicker. With considerable effort, he elbowed his way through and earned looks of disdain several times on his way.

When he finally reached that spot on the other side of the street, the brunet was nowhere in sight. Desperate, he looked around, hectic fear seizing his thoughts.

"Shinji?"

He shouted more than once and ran up and down the street just as often until passers-by looked at him oddly, but he didn't even notice.

There was no sign of the brunet.

----------

When Shinji set his fork aside, he noticed suddenly that Rei was looking at him, had probably been doing so for quite a while now.

"What's it?" he asked in confusion while trying futilely to pick some peas up with his knife. Noticing what he was doing, he put it down.

Rei looked at him for another long moment, then she continued eating. "I was just going to ask that," she replied, tonelessly as ever.

Shinji stared back, then he shrugged and picked his fork up as well. "I don't know," he muttered, poking at his mashed potatoes. "I..." He hesitated. "When I came back after doing the shopping, I thought I heard someone shout after me. But it was crowded, and I didn't see anyone. I don't know," he repeated.

"Maybe you imagined it," she suggested quietly.

Shinji stared down at his plate. "Maybe." With a sigh, he resumed eating.

----------

Getting used to their new situation took them a while, but somehow, they managed. Shiro's regular sessions with his therapist and the checkups he still had to go to once all four days gave them a routine, a rhythm that kept them from losing focus completely. They also kept visiting Mrs Ito almost everyday, and Yuki felt guilty whenever they didn't.

He had taken on a job, just stacking shelves in a supermarket, but it was better than nothing and he had something on his own, something to give his life a structure of its own. Something that did not have to do with Shiro.

It wasn't like Shiro bothered him or something like that. He actually liked living with him quite a lot, and he was happy when Shiro was happy, simple as that. He also liked looking after him and having him around most of the time. That way he could make sure that nothing happened to him. He had discovered that he had become a little paranoid concerning Shiro's safety after his suicide attempt, even though the blonde seemed quite content with the current situation and not about to try anything again.

Then again, he had also realized that he had become a little obsessed with Shiro in general. Practically all his life circled around him now and the only time when he wasn't near him, he was waiting for him while the blonde was being examined or when he was at work. He imagined that being fixated so much on one person had to be unhealthy, so he was guiltily relieved when he was working. He didn't want that their friendship turned for the worse just because he had nothing else to keep himself occupied. And so it happened that he soon had another job as well, in a small book shop. Just three days a week, and one of them only in the afternoon, but it was some more money and time again.

Mrs Ito insisted on paying the rent and housekeeping costs herself, even though Yuki had protested more than once, but he had eventually given up because he didn't want to seem ungrateful or argue with her. Instead, he now kept the money to buy an astronomy book every now and then, astronomy, a strange hobby, but the one that he loved most. Most of the time, however, he put it aside. Saving up.

He knew that going back to school would be difficult now, he had missed out on more than two years and truth to be told, he didn't fancy the idea of sitting around in class with kids that were much younger than him. He knew he'd feel like an idiot. Instead, he studied books about the important stuff like Maths and English and all that. And when he had the money, he thought, he would start taking evening classes or something like that. He couldn't stack shelves for the rest of his life, not when he wanted to support Shiro.

It was ridiculous, really, and he wondered how screwed up he was already to think of it as almost natural that he wanted to support his best friend's living when he didn't even know if he himself would get a good job some day, unqualified as he was. But even if they never talked about it, Yuki imagined it would be difficult for Shiro. Of course there were jobs you could do without having to talk and everything, but even the smallest things could be difficult when no one really understood you. There still weren't that many people who knew sign language, and Shiro was far from having mastered it.

Yuki didn't want to featherbed him, but he wanted to help him. It was hard enough as it was already. He kept his thoughts to himself, though - something told him that Shiro would not like the idea of being dependant on someone, or something, even if he was very attached to that very person or thing. However difficult it was, Yuki saw him struggle everyday to keep up as normal a life as he could manage, and he didn't want to belittle that.

He had been to the factory once again, four days before their time limit of two dreaded weeks had run out. Everyone had been busy packing what little they had. He had turned to Akira who seemed to have the best overview at the moment. They had found a new home. An old, large mansion somewhere on the outskirts of the town. Very spacey, very old, and very empty. Yuki had given them what money he had had in his pockets, promised to come by some time, and wished them all the luck in the world. And then he had returned to their small apartment. Home.

Shiro himself liked living with Yuki. Yuki was... well, Yuki. That was enough of an explanation, really. He knew exactly why he had fallen for him. He kept that as far back in his mind as possible, though. He didn't want to get any great hopes up and then be disappointed. He had not spent much time thinking about that subject, and when he did, he always put it aside hastily because he knew he was being silly. Yuki was his best friend, and the best of best friends there had ever been, he was sure. He couldn't demand anything more of him, not when he was already feeling guilty for being such a burden.

Most of the time, the blonde wore turtle necks, and when he didn't, he had a scarf instead or at least a shirt that covered up enough of his neck area to hide the scar. The scar that had remained from the bullet wound. Yuki suspected that he was ashamed of it, and albeit he himself didn't think that hiding it was all that necessary, he didn't say anything. If Shiro was more comfortable with it, it was just as fine.

Not all of their new life was just happy and carefree. More than once, Yuki noticed Shiro spacing out completely, or spending hours and hours just sitting around and staring at the same page in a book, or at the clock, or at whatever was at hand to direct his gaze at.

At those times, Yuki couldn't help but worry. Or rather, feel slightly helpless. He had no idea why it was that Shiro retreated into his own head, and he feared that maybe he was exaggerating in taking care of him so much. Maybe the blonde just needed some time alone and he just didn't notice...? It wasn't a nice thought. But then again, Shiro sought his company as much as ever, often sitting somewhere close by when Yuki was reading or cooking or whatever. It was just those times when he didn't really respond to anything that happened around him when Yuki worried. And he didn't know what to think of it. On one hand, he was glad that Shiro at least didn't hide it anymore when he wasn't feeling like being his usually cheerful self, but on the other hand he didn't know what it was that kept him so occupied sometimes.

He had also thought about it once if maybe being near him hurt Shiro. None of them had ever mentioned it again, but Yuki sometimes had to think of the fact that Shiro... it was hard for him to say and even harder to comprehend, but Shiro loved him. Or had, at least. And Yuki imagined that it had to be difficult to be around that very person all the time.

Sometimes he also wondered if his dark eyes that seemed to stare at something very far in the distance... if maybe they looked into his past.

Whatever it was, he never asked, and Shiro never told him about it.

One day that had stood out a little was Yuki's birthday. Shiro had insisted on baking a cake, which was fine, except that he was a catastrophe on two legs when cooking was concerned. Somehow, it had ended up being edible, though, and the corners had been just a little black, but nothing that couldn't be cut off. Yuki still remembered the awkwardness of that evening. Just before going to bed, he had thanked Shiro again for making all that effort and for a terribly long moment, the blonde had looked indecisive, standing in hesitance like he pondered if he could dare to hug him quickly in reply. In the end, he had just taken his sleeve and tugged at the hem fondly before turning to lie down and curl up under his blanket.

It had taken Yuki some time to sleep.

----------

It was cold when Kaworu returned one day from a walk outside with Scraps, and the puppy trotted up the stairs as soon as he had freed it from the leash, probably to curl up in its basket and sleep. He himself decided to at least look where his parents were and say hello.

Nathalie was in the living-room, reading. She looked up and smiled as he greeted, and he thought that probably Justus would be in the kitchen. He was.

His father had been drinking coffee and set the cup down when Kaworu announced he had come back. Just as he turned towards the door again, however, Justus called him back.

"Kaworu?"

Kaworu turned.

"Would you sit down?" Justus gestured towards a chair. "I'd like to talk to you."

Frowning slightly, Kaworu did as he was told and brushed a strand of unruly, grey hair out of his face. Justus sounded unusually serious - and a little hesitant. "Alright...?" It couldn't be about his marks, could it? They _had_ gotten a bit worse, but they still were average at least...

Taking a deep breathe, Justus reached into the pocket of his jacket that hung loosely over his chair's back. He laid the small package onto the table.

Albeit he wasn't nearly as quick to embarrass as Shinji, Kaworu went red. "Papa, that's -"

"Embarrassing," Justus finished his sentence. "But it's important."

Grimacing, Kaworu didn't really know what to look at. Certainly not at his father. Everything, but not at him. "I know," he said quietly.

"I'm sure you do," Justus said, waving a hand dismissively. "I 'm certain I don't have to give you the talk now anymore, you're sixteen after all and I think you know enough yourself. But I thought I'd remind you of this. Don't forget."

Thinking of Shinji's smiling face, Kaworu was silent for a moment. "I wouldn't," he said then, quietly.

Justus smiled. Kaworu wasn't sure if he liked the thought that his father probably knew pretty exactly what was going on in his head right now. Then, his expression grew a little more serious again, albeit not much. "You know how to use it and all that?"

"Sure," Kaworu mumbled, sinking deeper on his chair. "I've _been_ at school, you know."

"_We_ weren't taught things like these," Justus remarked pointedly and Kaworu couldn't help but smile lop-sidedly.

He spent a long time tonight just lying on the bed, turning the small cardboard package over in his fingers, pondering this and that and Shinji. He wondered if he was ever going to need this.

----------

Yuki stealthily glanced over at Shiro. Just while they were eating, the blonde had started staring off again, somewhere out across the rooftops. Yuki hesitated, but then he tentatively waved a hand in front of his face.

Shiro flinched, apparently back to reality the moment that he had been reminded of his absence, and looked at Yuki in slight confusion. Then, he looked down at his plate and back up again. With a sheepish smile, he picked up his fork and resumed eating.

Yuki said nothing.

----------

**Happy new year, everyone! In the end, I didn't put up a new chapter on New Year's Eve, but I finished a chapter and the next one is also almost complete. We really are reaching the final plot, which still takes some chapters to finish, but is definitely towards the end of the story. **

**I actually got a PS2 for Christmas, AND a game! Weeeh! Final Fantasy X, actually - I never realized I must have whined to my parents about that game so much they actually remembered the name XD**

**I'm a little frustrated at the moment with my violin lessons. It's not the lessons themselves, but the time in between. I've wanted to play the violin for two years and started working to finance lessons myself because my parents cannot pay them, and now I also have my own violin since last autumn and all. But I find that I'm intimidated by harder pieces, I'm, like, stuck in one spot and play the same pieces since ages. I just don't make any progress. And I pay about 50$ a month for those lessons, which are 25 minutes each. I don't know, if I just continue playing those few pieces, I don't need lessons. But I also know it's my fault, I just have no idea what to do about it. With my schedule that is rather crammed now, I don't know how I will muster an hour of practice a day. **

**But there's also some good news - I wrote the best English test (hah, teacher's pet, go whine in your corner!) and a terrible maths test, but I just barely managed to get the required mark for a stay abroad in the 11th grade. And I might get a second job soon. Hold your thumbs for me! I really need it. **

**Also, I'm saving up still for a doll and I think I've finally decided on which one I want. I have 9.4 percent of the money already -lol- Gods, I hate maths, but I love calculating pocket money and stuff like that XD**

**... And now I've ranted so much that I feel ashamed for annoying you with my whining. Accept my apologies, please.**


	29. Faint

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Faint**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 29/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,067**

**Listening recommendation this time are "Story Board" by The Album Leaf (for the beginning) and "Everything you want" by Vertical Horizon for the rest.**

„I'm back at six," Yuki remarked as he stood in the doorway, pulling the zipper of his jacket up to his chin. Shiro looked up at him from the kitchen table where he was just doing a jigsaw. They had found some in the cupboard, and right now one with the motif of a bird with a piece of some glittering jewellery in its beak was regarding the blonde with its incomplete, dark eyes.

Remembering something, Yuki went back into the kitchen, taking the familiar cardboard boxes from the shelf above the sink. He put the pills into a small glass where they lay in their clinical promise of health and help.

Shiro pulled a face, but Yuki had long ago learnt to ignore his antics - in the end, he always convinced him to take his medicine and so far the blonde hadn't dropped dead yet.

"There's still pizza in the freezer," he said. "Make yourself some when you're hungry, alright? I'll get myself something during break. But don't stuff yourself with sweets so much, okay?" he added, going over to the door again. Shiro mouthed an answer.

_Yes, mom. _

Yuki grinned lop-sidedly. "Say that again and we'll see who's going to cook you something for the next three months," he said, and felt a small spark of delight as Shiro smiled with mirth. He couldn't laugh anymore, but whenever he smiled like that, eyes sparkling with amusement, Yuki knew that he would have.

The streets outside embraced him with cold wind and banners of smoke that whiffed past him as he went on his way to the bookshop.

* * *

His steps echoed as he unsurely stepped inside. It was considerably warmer than outside in the cold and he couldn't help but feel a little welcome at least by the sight of the candles that spread their homely glow in several places.

The rows of wooden benches were spaced evenly, and the roof arched high above him. It was an impressive building. Still nothing compared to the pictures of real European domes, he had seen them in a book once, but it was more than he could wish to see here.

Shinji stepped closer to a stand where several candles were burning, flames flickering calmly on their wicks. There was a small glass bowl on a low table, with a sign next to it and a box of fresh, white, long candles. Not even really knowing why, he searched his pockets for a coin and dropped it into the bowl. He took one of the candles out of the box, lit it on one of the burning ones, and, admittedly with mild difficulties, pushed it into one of the holds. Its warm glow soothed his mind and even though he had never had much to do with religiousness, he hoped that whatever Gods there might be or not would grant him his wish and give him his recollection back.

* * *

When Yuki returned, he noticed with amazement that Shiro had been quite busy during his absence - the whole apartment was tidy and cleaned up thoroughly, and even the floor seemed to have a sparkly shininess about it that reminded him of TV ads.

He made an emphasis on thanking Shiro for making the effort. He knew the blonde wasn't fond of doing the housework and he also wasn't good it, but he had noticed that, sometimes, Shiro seemed to feel guilty almost for not working like Yuki did, or at least do the cooking, or anything. Yuki really was the least to care, he knew that it was still hard for Shiro and that he often sat around with his book about sign language, trying to get the movements and meanings right, which was hard enough. But if Shiro had voluntarily done all the cleaning, saying that he really shouldn't have done that would just have been unfair, so he merely thanked him and all was well.

During supper, however, Yuki noticed just how tired Shiro looked. He moved slower, and he constantly kept rubbing at the corners of his eyes until they were slightly reddened. His face was also flushed a little.

Worried, Yuki set his fork down. "Aren't you feeling well?" he asked. Shiro just looked down at his plate. With a frown, Yuki laid one hand to Shiro's forehead, the other one to his own. "You're too hot," he said with a concerned look at the blonde's reddish cheeks. "You're not getting a fever, are you?"

Shiro shrugged. Still frowning, Yuki pulled his hand back.

"You should go to sleep early," he remarked. "And before that you could take a bath, maybe that'd help."

Shiro nodded slowly, rubbing his temple absent-mindedly. When he had finished eating, he trotted wearily into the bathroom. Yuki looked after him as he cleared the table of the dishes. He didn't like this. It was disconcerting to see Shiro so sapless. A moment later, the sound of water rushing into the tub was to be heard.

Maybe the blonde had just overworked himself. Everything looked so neat that Yuki could easily believe that he had polished every square centimetre with a toothbrush.

With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair. He would have liked to take a bath himself now, he was tired. People were already buying presents for Christmas, even though it wasn't quite time for that yet. And although he often mentally complained about the lack of love for books today, having the shop stuffed with people was not much more pleasant either.

But he would probably content himself with showering. He didn't want to make Shiro rush, maybe a nice, hot bath and a night's long sleep was all to get his system up again - Yuki surely hoped so.

In the bath, the water stopped running. Yuki rubbed his shoulder. He glanced at the calendar. Shiro had to go to the hospital again tomorrow, for another therapy session. He had met Mary a few times, and he quite liked her. She was nice and intelligent and just knew how to handle people. But probably that was just something you had to be able to when you were a therapist.

There was a loud thud, followed by a splash. Yuki looked over at the bathroom door. He went over to it.

"Shiro?"

No answer. Of course not. Still.

He frowned slightly. Was something wrong?

His hand hovered over the door handle, hesitant. Shiro couldn't answer, of course not. There wasn't going to be a shouted "It's okay, I just dropped something!" now. And there also wasn't going to be a "I could need some help, you know". Swallowing, Yuki pressed the handle down.

The room was a little foggy already with the hot water's fumes. Yuki felt slight panic rise.

Shiro was lying on the floor, apparently unconscious. He seemed to have been in the process of undressing, one sleeve still hanging awkwardly over his shoulder. The bright orange fabric seemed almost bloody next to his pale skin. Water glittered here and there were small droplets pearled off his skin, his pullover hanging in the tub. It seemed that it had splashed water over the brim when falling inside. A bottle of shower gel lay under the sink.

Yuki was next to the blonde in a second, picking him up by his shoulders. "Hey, Shiro. Shiro!" He ran a hand through his blonde hair. Shiro's skin was cold where it had touched the tiled floor. His face was flushed worse than before, and it glowed against Yuki's skin as he laid a hand to his forehead. "Hey, wake up, come on..." He gently patted his cheek, feeling terribly reminded of how he had found him in the dusty factory hall. Half dead. "Shiro..."

For another second that lasted way too long, there was no reaction. Then, Shiro frowned ever so slightly before blinking slowly. He looked at Yuki, his eyes completely out of focus for a long moment. Then he blinked again, his nose wrinkling, and felt around with his arm to support himself.

He frowned slightly to himself, then he tensed and abruptly freed himself from Yuki's hold. He quickly bent over the toilet and threw up violently.

Yuki looked at the tiles in front of his knees. A thought began to form in the back of his mind, but he didn't like it. Not at all.

Running a hand through his sweat-slick hair, Shiro sat back on his heels, reaching up wearily to flush the toilet. Yuki still didn't look at him. The blonde slowly pulled himself up at the wall, bent over the sink to wash his mouth, then sat down faintly on the tub's brim.

"You didn't take it, did you," Yuki said quietly. "Your medicine, I mean."

Shiro looked aside, watching him stealthily out of the corner of his eyes as Yuki got up. The dark-haired boy stood with his back facing him.

"You know," Yuki went on, "I don't know if you care, but _I_ do. I'm not doing this to have you drowning in the tub or cracking your head open on the floor because you don't feel like taking your medicine. If you don't want all this..." He trailed off, apparently too tired of it to say it out loud.

He made a step for the door, but halted when there was a hand taking hold of his sleeve, tugging tentatively. For a long moment, he just was still. Then he turned.

Shiro looked at him guiltily, almost pleadingly. And at that exact moment Yuki couldn't imagine anything more pitiable than him, standing there with his soaking wet pullover still dangling from his wrist, hair plastered to his skin and looking like he was going to pass out again any moment from exhaustion, face glowing feverishly with the deep blush that stained his cheeks.

Impulsively, he pulled him into a firm embrace. Right now, he couldn't decide if he loved or hated him more, but he just couldn't stand it if he looked at him like that. Shiro stiffened, tensed from the tips of his naked toes to the top of his head, but Yuki didn't pay much attention to it. His own fault, really.

He could feel dampness seep through his shirt where it soaked up the water from Shiro's skin, and let go of him again, bending down to pick up a towel. He laid it across the blonde's shoulders.

"No more bathing for you today," he said quietly. "Let's tuck you into bed. And before, you'll take your medicine." Shiro didn't nod or something, but Yuki understood well enough.

He was just about to turn when the blonde mouthed something.

_I'm sorry._

Yuki didn't answer, but he took his hand. Shiro didn't protest when he was taken to the kitchen and handed his medicine.

* * *

Asuka pulled the coat tighter around her body, futilely trying to shield herself from the cold better, but the chill crept up her legs and arms and seemed to seep into her very bones. She didn't want to imagine being _without_ the coat now.

_The coat_. It was ridiculous, but she felt a stab of guilt when she thought of how she had taken one of Nathalie's coats. The beautiful, embroidered one with the dusk rose lining. The one that made Kaworu's mother look even more beautiful, the one that was loose over her own breast. She knew it was pathetic. A small girl playing dress-up, pretending she was the princess who had found her Prince Charming and life's completion. Who had a son and had no need for a grubby daughter waiting to be picked up. She could pretend that last fact did not exist. But she had learned to be good at pretending. It didn't hurt as much when she did.

She breathed into her hands, and they warmed for a blissful moment before winter's chill enveloped them again. She didn't even want to start imagining what her face looked like. Or her hair. She had spent the last several nights under a bridge, or in a side street, or wherever she had found a place to huddle into. She felt sick, and her nose was running the whole time, but everything was better than going back. Everything.

* * *

"Oh." Kaworu peered into the gap that had shown up where they had taken some of the old furniture and boxes away.

Justus leant back a little under the weight of the box he was carrying and squinted to see whatever his son had discovered now. "What's it?" he asked, quirking a brow.

Kaworu waved his hand dismissively, but his eyes were still focused on his discovery. "Only a box with books," he replied, then his torso disappeared behind an old table as he bent down and pulled it out across the floor. When he let go, he toppled over from the sudden lack of weight. Rubbing his temple, he sat up again - and sneezed as he breathed dust in.

Justus laughed and, setting his box down, bent down to pluck a cobweb out of his son's hair. "Never say 'only' in connection with books," he scolded with a wink. "Books are not 'only'."

"I know, I know." Kaworu waved his words aside with a dismissive gesture. He looked through the books. German. He picked one up. _Die Wellenläufer_. Wave runners.

„Oh, that one." Justus took it from Kaworu's hand, flipping through the pages in tender recognition. "I _loved_ it when I was your age."

"So?" Kaworu quirked a brow.

Justus nodded, brushing some dust from the spine. "I just couldn't stand the main character. Jolly. Too tough and perfect for my tastes." He shrugged. "But the plot's great and the other characters really make up for Jolly."

"I see."

There was silence for some moments. Kaworu glanced at the other books. Fables. School books. Thrillers. Fantasy. He took another one out. Fairy tales. Curious, he turned some pages until he stopped suddenly.

Justus peered over his shoulder. "Oh, I remember that one," he said in surprise. "One of your favourites when you were smaller. I could say it by heart after reading it out so often."

"You really read to me often," Kaworu muttered, absent-mindedly running a finger along the books cover. So familiar.

For a while, they both just stayed silent as they were deep in memory, thinking back to the long evenings when Kaworu had curled up on the bed with his head in Justus's lap, and the scent of dusty old paper had filled his mind with adventures and princesses and countries somewhere far away as his father read to him. Blessed evenings.

* * *

"It's not too bad, is it?" Kensuke asked, looking over at Touji from where he was lying on his bed. Touji looked up from his book. Glad to have an excuse for a break, if only temporarily, he laid his pencil aside. He was learning, trying to fit into his head what he had to catch up with their new class. They had only gotten their places here after swearing by their lives that they would be busy and do their best and not be lazy.

"Guess not," Touji muttered thoughtfully, scratching his chin. "Aside from the learning, of course." He pulled a face, but he couldn't keep his grimace for too long - this was still too good to be true, compared to their former life. "No, I'd really say we've lucked out this time."

Kensuke nodded thoughtfully, absent-mindedly smoothing the edge of his blanket out with a hand. He hesitated for a moment before he spoke.

"Shinji still hasn't come back," he said quietly, looking out of the window. The location was nice, too - not too far from the inner city, but far enough from it to have some trees around. "Kaworu would have called us already if he had."

There was silence. They both had thought about it a good deal already, and both knew what it meant that Kaworu hadn't called yet, but neither had raised the issue, up to now.

"I know," Touji finally said, rolling his pencil between his thumb and finger absent-mindedly. Yes, he really did know. Too well. There was another silence before he spoke up again. "And they fitted together so well," he sighed, running a hair through his hair. "I mean, you know, they just... fit," he ended his sentence a little lamely. He was glad when Kensuke didn't laugh.

The freckled boy took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes. He had studied so much already, he deserved a break, he had decided. He flopped backwards onto his bed, crossing his arms behind his head. "They did," he confirmed simply, looking up at the ceiling. White.

He sighed deeply. "But maybe they fit too well," he remarked with a shrug. "I heard that once. Relationships don't last long when there's never a problem or an argument or something."

"You mean, if they don't rub each other the wrong way sometimes?"

"... You know how perverted it sounds when you say it like that?"

"You know that you sound like some psychologist when you talk like that?"

Kensuke grinned, and Touji grinned back. For a moment, it all was like it had been.

There was a knock and the door swung open. It was Yuichi, dark-haired and grey-eyed, coming inside. He sat down next to Touji.

"Hi," the older boy greeted and gave a mocking salute. A tiny small grazed the younger one's features as he returned the gesture. Kensuke watched with mild satisfaction. Yuichi didn't smile a lot of late.

"Hi," Yuichi replied quietly, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve. He must have picked that up from Shinji, Kensuke suspected.

"Hey." Kensuke propped himself up on his elbows. "How about going out for a bit? Or table soccer? You and me against Touji?"

Yuichi looked at him silently, then he slowly tilted his head from side to side, thoughtfully. "Maybe later," he said finally, then he looked over at Touji's pens and paper. He hesitated for a moment. "Can I draw something?" he asked tentatively, nodding towards the pad.

"Sure." Touji stifled a yawn as he handed him the paper and put his book aside. "'Nuff learnt today," me mumbled, rubbing his temple.

Kensuke watched Yuichi draw. It wasn't anything particular, just splashes of colour. And like most of his pictures of late, it was mostly monochrome.

Blood red.

* * *

**This time it really is a short one... But I think there's some important character development going on in there, so I didn't force another 500 words into it. **

**I'm so infatuated with "Perfekte Welle" ("Perfect Wave") by Juli right now. Usually I don't hear a lot of German music, but I think I might just become a serious Juli fangirl. I hope I can use that song for a fic sometime!**

**I also look forward to ordering my first doll. Hopefully today. It's going to be a Delf Special Kum-Ran by Luts! She's so amazing... I mean, there are lots of dolls that I think are more beautiful far, but she just has that gorgeous smile and whenever I look at her, she seems to say, "I'm waiting for you to take me home". **


	30. Fragments

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Fragments**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 30/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,862**

**The listening recommendation this time is "Pilgrim Snow" from the Wolf's Rain soundtrack, by Yoko Kanno.**

Yuki looked up from his book when the apartment door fell shut and steps were to be heard, shuffling down the corridor to the kitchen door where he was just sitting and looking through his maths book.

Shiro appeared in the doorway seconds later, still wearing his shoes and jacket. And holding a ball. Black and white. He waved briefly as a greeting, then held the ball up suggestively, nodding towards the door. Yuki got the meaning well enough, but he merely raised an eyebrow.

"Are you serious?" he asked, looking at the ball. "It's freezing cold outside." The mere thought of going outside was enough to chill him to the very core. But... He looked at Shiro's pleading face, then at the ball, Shiro, the ball. With a sigh, he shut his book.

"Alright," he gave in, putting it aside. Instantly, a huge grin spread on the blonde's face. Victory. "_Alright_," Yuki repeated as he rose, Shiro already tugging at his sleeve impatiently. He could be such a _child_. But, really, Yuki didn't mind.

It really was cold outside, the air stinging in their noses and lungs, and the ground scrunched slightly beneath their feet as they arrived at the playground nearby. There was a wide lawn. Just perfect. Glittering with frost, like winter himself had breathed gentle mist over it.

Neither Shiro nor Yuki were exceptionally gifted players, but it was enough for fun and it wasn't more than fun what they were after. And what they got.

Yuki hadn't even realized how much he had missed this. Not soccer in particular, but playing. Just letting go of all responsibilities and the concerns that life had forced upon him so young and forgetting it for the pure exhilaration of a joy that was so deeply rooted in humans' hearts that many didn't even know it anymore for what it was. The mere bliss of feeling himself, muscles stretching and breathe labouring and feet aching. He had never liked school sports, but this was completely different.

When they returned home almost two hours later, night was already creeping up the horizon in the wake of a rosy, gentle dawn and their faces were reddened, their noses running and their feet felt like ice cubes. Still, Yuki could tell without even looking at his face that Shiro felt the same as he did. Not _happy_ - happy was not exactly the right word. Satisfied. A simple, but deep kind of satisfaction that was hard to explain. But it didn't matter. Yuki knew it didn't need an explanation.

Today, they went to bed early. Yuki felt like his toes were going to fall off if he had to make one more step, and Shiro looked drop-dead tired. It seemed miraculous to Yuki that he had made it so long anyway. One and a half hour in the cold, playing soccer, when he was already not quite as resilient as usual. No surprise that he was weary now.

When Yuki entered their room after showering, his hair still somewhat damp, Shiro was already curled up under his blanket, apparently fast asleep. He smiled quietly to himself and sat on his bed to towel his hair dry before he set the alarm on his clock and switched both his and Shiro's bedside lamp off. Some minutes later, he had drifted off into sleep.

* * *

Yuichi looked at his pens. Green and pink and blue and black and yellow... and red. Knowing that he should have well been asleep by now, he took the red pen with a frown and began drawing.

* * *

Yuki was woken by a loud thud, followed shortly by another one. Frowning sleepily, he turned onto his other side to look what the cause of the noise was. The dark that was filling the windows told him that it was still night.

Remembering from which direction the noise had come, he peered over to Shiro's bed - and frowned. Shiro wasn't there.

A second glance revealed the secret of the blonde's disappearance. Shiro was lying on the floor in front of his bed, his blanket still hanging half off the mattress. Restlessly, he turned in his sleep, squirming like he was trying to escape his very dreams.

"Shiro?"

No reaction.

Yuki sat up, watching as Shiro's head came dangerously close to his nightstand's corner as he tossed around.

Figuring that it was better if the blonde didn't crack his head open, he got up slowly, crossing the room to crouch down next to him. Hesitantly, he laid a hand to his shoulder, shaking him softly to wake him up, but just as well he could have tried to shout a tsunami into turning around. Shiro seemed to take no notice.

"Hey." Yuki whispered, not daring to talk aloud. Why, he wasn't sure. "Hey, wake up."

But Shiro did not wake up. Yuki noticed that his lips were moving, forming voiceless pleas. He frowned, then tried shaking him again.

"Wake up. I won't heave you back into your bed, you know."

But the only reaction he got was the blonde pushing his hand away. At any other time it wouldn't have mattered, he would have let him sleep and maybe put a pillow to the corner of the nightstand so he wouldn't hurt himself, but something about the fact that he couldn't even manage to shake Shiro out of his nightmare made him... angry. Kind of.

"Damn, _wake up_ now, idiot," he muttered, grabbing Shiro's wrist.

It ended up in a half struggle, Shiro trying to push him away, all the way muttering silent words that Yuki was way too distracted to figure out. In the end, he just climbed over him to sit on his stomach, pinning him down by his shoulders. Finally, the blonde's struggling ceased, his squirming stopping as he was hindered considerably in his movements.

Silently, Yuki wondered how many times this was going to repeat itself, with him trying to get Shiro out of whatever little secluded world inside his head he had retreated into this time, inside a coma, just having fainted, merely sleeping. It was like a damn rut that he hadn't even known they were stuck in. _Wake up, Shiro, come on, wake up, look at me, Shiro, just look at me, please, look at me..._ For how long would this rewind again and again and again? It was just ridiculous, and yet he felt like that plea had already burnt itself into his mind too deep to get it out again soon.

Shiro's chest was rising and falling with his heavy breath, and Yuki noticed that he himself was panting slightly. No surprise, actually. Shiro might have been smaller, but he wasn't as wiry as Yuki.

But it didn't really get through to Yuki as all he could look at were dark brown eyes that stared up at him in what he believed was shamefulness, ashamed for Yuki having noticed his nightmares and that he wasn't as alright again as the blonde would have liked him to believe. Somehow he knew that Shiro wanted him to look away, but he just couldn't.

The shirt of the blonde's oversized white pyjama had slid up somewhat, his navel and wrists vulnerably bare now while the collar almost covered his chin. Tearing his eyes away from Shiro's finally, Yuki reached down and gently pulled it down to his neck again, letting go of his shoulders.

A long moment passed before he awkwardly climbed off him and started for his bed again, but he stopped when there was a tugging at the hem of his shirt. Looking back at him, he saw that Shiro, already looking half-asleep again, had grasped for it, fingers curling around the fabric.

He looked over at his bed longingly, then back at Shiro, and with a sigh, he reached out to pull his blanket from his mattress, along with his pillow.

Mentally preparing himself for the backache he would surely have in the morning, he pulled his shirt from Shiro's loose hold as he settled next to him on the floor. The blonde didn't smile or show any other sign of satisfaction about this, his eyes had already drifted shut again, but somehow Yuki just knew that this was probably the right thing.

It took him longer than before to fall asleep, watching Shiro slumbering dreamlessly.

* * *

Shinji looked up into the skies. They looked as blue as they had ever been, and like a promise to stay blue forever. Cold and sharp and clear. Perfect winter. It wasn't so long a time until Christmas Eve anymore, barely three weeks. And he knew that he wanted only one present: his memory.

With a sigh, he averted his eyes from the heavens and looked down into the street again. People were hurrying past him, sometimes bumping into him - some apologized, many did not. He did not really care.

How long had it been now since Rei had found him? A month? No, two. Two months. So long.

The glass doors slid open and Rei stepped outside, tucking her purse into her coat firmly. She'd taken some money from her account, so they could go and do the shopping for this week.

"Let's go," she said as tonelessly as ever, but Shinji had long ago stopped being bothered by that - it wasn't that she was being unfriendly, she just didn't know particularly much about being friendly.

They didn't talk much, picking up what Shinji had written down on his list, and he knew that there was something more that he would have liked. That people would stop looking at them.

It was not that they stared or something, except the occasional, curious glance at Rei's eyes and hair, but that, whenever their gazes brushed past them, they registered in their heads, "Ah, a young couple doing the shopping".

He liked Rei, he liked her a great deal, and it was true that right now he had no one besides her, but she was not his girlfriend. Oh, he had guiltily fantasized about her just as he had thought about Asuka, when they had been the only two girls in the gang, and he did not view her as a sister or something, but - it just wasn't like that anymore, and when he had gotten past it, others should not point at him like he was the boy he had been two or three years ago. He didn't even know why it irked him so much, it had never bothered him people thinking that he was something he knew he was not... But maybe he was just not eight years old anymore, trying to live up to his father's expectations. It didn't really matter, anyway. They just should stop looking.

There was a gentle tug at his sleeve, and he stopped abruptly, having forgotten completely about his surroundings. They were in the streets, on the way home, and the sharp wind bit into his skin mercilessly where his scarf didn't cover it.

Rei looked at him, then pointed.

Shinji gave a sharp gasp, the bags he'd been carrying dropped to the ground, apples rolling carelessly onto the frozen street. And however much he knew that it was Rei's money they had spent on them and that he should at least be picking them up now, he paid no attention to it now and broke into a run over to the playground across the street.

Curled up in the small wooden house at the top of the colourful monkey bars, there was someone. A someone with flaming red hair that spilled down the edge of the wooden platform like a frozen waterfall.

Shinji's fingers felt like they were going to fall off as the metal bars seemed to suck all warmth out of them with their chill, but he was up all the way quickly enough, not bothering to pull himself up from where he was kneeling.

It was Asuka. Her lips had a bluish tint, her face was pale and her cheeks hollow. The coat she wore was ornate and would certainly look beautiful if cleaned, but now it had scruff marks and stains and the hems looked nasty. She seemed unconscious, and he wondered how long she had been in the cold.

"Rei!"

He looked out across the street to where she was standing, looking at him in mild surprise. She had picked the bag up, and the apples.

"I could need some help," he said when Rei had come close enough to hear without him having to shout.

It was strange how calm it all was, Rei taking the shopping bags and him awkwardly heaving Asuka onto his back to carry her. He thought she had looked at him out of half-closed eyes for a second, but then the moment was over and she looked just as before. He'd been glad to find a pulse - the redhead looked half-starved, the other half frozen probably. She also was so light - like she hadn't eaten really in days. It seemed like most of her weight was the heavy coat that she had buttoned to her chin.

He didn't even think much about what Asuka might tell him when she woke up. Right now he was just focused on getting her out of the cold and out of those dirty clothes and into a proper bed, in a warm room. The stairs up to Rei's apartment seemed endless, winding up an infinite corridor. When he finally laid her awkwardly down onto the bed, his knees were shaking, with the effort of carrying her and with his anxiety.

He left it to Rei to undress Asuka, standing outside her door uneasily. Now that he didn't have an active part in doing something to help her, his thoughts began to spin.

Asuka. How long had she been with the gang? Had she maybe just left them shortly ago? Surely after Rei, he would get to know some more of the time he missed. She would be able to tell him, maybe she would even know how he had ended up in the streets like that. And everything.

Finally, he decided that standing around here like this wasn't going to make time pass faster, so he reluctantly went into the kitchen to make some tea. He needed something to warm up, and Rei probably too. Asuka most of all.

The tea kettle began whistling and he took it from the hearth, just as Rei entered. He poured the water into the cups, two of them, hot, white steam rising into his nostrils and warming his face, bringing with them a scent of herbs.

"She sleeps," Rei sat matter-of-factly, sitting down at the table. "But she is not wounded. Just cold. And hungry."

Shinji let out a breath of relief that he hadn't even noticed he had held. At least nothing was wrong with her that he couldn't fix - nothing that he didn't know of, at least.

"She has my bed," Rei went on, looking out of the window. "I will sleep on the couch tonight. Then we will see."

He suppressed the small protest that he wanted to say at hearing that she wanted to sleep on the couch in her own apartment when he thought that probably this was the best solution. Putting Asuka over onto the couch or to Shinji's small room would just have made more trouble than it brought improvements.

"Where are you going?" Rei asked quietly as he started for the door.

"I'll wait for her," he said.

He was surrounded by fog, thick, white fog, seeping through his clothes and into his hair and, it seemed, into his very self, making his thoughts hazy and strange. He was running. Yes, indeed, he was running. Lumbering shapes, like white, unfocused shadows, rushed past him, or maybe he past them, but it did not matter. He just couldn't lose the shadow that was moving in front of him, evading his touch as often as he stretched his hand out to reach it, and whenever he thought he had caught up with it, it was suddenly so far distant that it seemed to melt into its surroundings. Somehow, he knew that it was important that he caught it. It had been a mysterious haze for too long, too many times leaving him at its mercy of giving away an answer - or not.

Kaworu's breathe caught as he stumbled - and fell. The ground was cool and smooth and for a moment he just lay there with his cheek against the strange surface, breathing surprisingly calm considering that he had run so much. It was strange how little he was upset by the fact that, by now, the shadow had to be gone, vanished again into its own little world, to be with its fellow shadows.

She wondered why it was that this scene seemed to repeat itself. Waking up in a strange room, in a strange bed. Picked up by someone she had not asked to. At the factory, at Kaworu's... Here.

Her stomach felt like it actually wasn't there, like she had a hole in her body. How long had it been since she had eaten something proper...? Better not to think about it.

Wearily, she forced her heavy eyelids open. They felt leaden and she would have liked to sleep longer, but somehow she knew that something was waiting for her. Not the world. She had spent so much time trying to show the world it had only been waiting for her, but she had long given up believing this lie herself. But maybe there was a small part of the world that had warmth only meant for her. It was less than she had wanted, much less, but maybe it was just enough.

She looked up into a worried face, a face that filled her with as much hate as it filled her with the desire to reach out and touch it.

"Shinji..."

It was no question. She felt a small prickle at the relaxation that spread on his features as he broke into a relieved smile. He had rarely smiled like that when looking at her.

Making sure at first that she was wearing something proper - she discovered a white pyjama, not exactly flattering, but better than just her underwear - she sat up, looking about her for a moment to take her surroundings in. A plain room, with barely more than was needed, and no less. White, with a window on the opposite wall. The curtains were drawn shut. Night.

"You're awake," he said quietly, joyously. Another surge of warmth flooded her as he seemed so pleased with her presence, with the fact that she was alright. "I really thought you were - I don't know, that - you're not okay," he finished somewhat lamely, and she couldn't decide whether she would have liked to rip his head off for being the ignorant, idiotic fool he was or to kiss him for voicing his concern in that awkward way.

"Apparently," she finally said and stretched. Her breasts were outlined clearly against the thin fabric in the action, and she had to suppress a mischievous grin as he averted his eyes and blushed. He began fumbling with his thumbs like he sometimes would when nervous, or embarrassed - or trying to say something that he found difficult.

Deciding that she apparently had to take the initiative here, she settled her arms on her thighs again that were covered by the thick, warm blanket.

"So, what are you doing here?" she asked casually, like he hadn't just picked her up unconscious from the streets. She didn't want to think of that now.

Shinji opened his mouth to answer, halted, closed it again. He drew a deep breathe, failed a second time. At his third attempt, words finally came.

"You have to help me, Asuka," he said, his voice almost trembling with uncertain impatience. Like he needed it urgently, but was unsure if he was going to be rejected - or laughed at.

"Help you?" she repeated, frowning. If he was talking about Kaworu, she was not going to carry any messages or stupid things like that. He would sort out the stuff he'd messed up himself.

He nodded, in a strangely jerky way. He really seemed extremely nervous.

"What with?" she inquired suspiciously.

"You must tell me, Asuka," he answered, rubbing a spot at his palm so violently that it already reddened slightly. "Tell me what - what has happened. During the last eighteen months. With the factory. And us. The others, I mean - Kensuke, Touji, Yuichi and Shiro and Yuki and you, and everyone." She stared at him, eyes wide, brows quirked in something between disbelief and confusion. He looked down at his hand, ceasing his frantic rubbing. "I - I don't remember anything, Asuka. I must have had an accident or something, and I don't remember. I don't know anything past the time that Rei left."

She stared at him.

Shiro watched Yuki's sleeping face tenderly. He had fallen asleep with his face on his arms, sitting at the kitchen table with his books. He worked too much.

The blonde gently smoothed a strand of dark hair out of his face, fingers brushing just slightly over his forehead, and went over to the sink to do the dishes.

"I - Asuka, has there been another boy that came to the factory?" he inquired, his heart thumping loudly with excitement as he thought that maybe he would remember now who the mysterious boy was - and with fear as he thought that maybe he would now be certain that he had just been a curious dream.

"A boy?" she repeated.

"Yes." He nodded confirmatively. "Besides Akira and Naoki, I mean. Not older than I, a little maybe, and - I think the same height. And, he has - he has red eyes, Asuka. And grey hair." Something in her face twitched. "You know him?"

"You don't remember Kaworu?" she asked almost in a whisper, and he was not sure what it was that tinted her voice. It could have been everything. Disgust or glee or shock or sadness or God knows what. He just could not make anything of it.

"Kaworu?" he repeated.

Turning his head aside resignedly, Kaworu noticed that he was not alone. Really, he wasn't. Pushing himself up on his arms, he looked up at the misty shape that seemed to be one with the surrounding fog and yet stood out as clear as if it had been a screaming, solid red. The shadow he had been following.

For a long moment there was silence - not that any of them had talked before, but it was the thick, heavy kind of silence that pressed onto your ears like pillows and would have shut out any words. It was not unpleasant. Calming and peaceful, yet awaiting. It took Kaworu some time to realize that it was waiting for _him_.

A ghostly hand extended, reaching out in an offer for him. He hesitated - and took it.

"Kaworu, Shinji. Your - your boyfriend."

* * *

**The ending passages here are kind of fragmented, but that's completely intentional this time. The story is gaining momentum now for the final chapters. -sigh- It's been a year now since I started SoG, and it has grown so huge from the original idea. **

**By the way, I mentioned Yuki's birthday in chapter 28 - it's on the 20th of November, just in case anyone was wondering. (Many people have birthday dates in SoG, so if you want to know them, feel free to ask. But Shinji's, for example, doesn't correspond with his canon birthday. Sincerely sorry for that.) And I admit that the timing in this story is just the wonkiest thing ever. Don't go and try to calculate the months or something, the result will be utterly horrible. I totally didn't think of the timing, really. **

**I'm on day 8 of my wait for my doll now, but I'm already so impatient! She will be named "Henrietta Screw" and be a tinker, an inventor, and quite inspired by steampunk. I can't wait to get her goggles and tools and cool things! But it will take at least one month until she comes here, probably longer -sigh- Ah, I'm so jittery!**

**But to keep myself occupied, I'm reading (or rather, working my way through) "Voyage au centre de la terre" by Jules Verne in French. It's quite a challenge since I've only had French for one and a half year now, but it goes easier than expected, and I always have an English and a German translation close by, just in case I don't understand an idiom or something. It's also mental preparation for Henrietta. As an inventor (and being heavily inspired by steampunk) she of course loves Jules Verne! If you don't know what steampunk is, feel free to look it up - it's amazing!**


	31. Catching Stars

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Catching Stars**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 31/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,910**

**Listening recommendation is "Pilgrim Snow" from the Wolf's Rain OST (by Yuki Kajiura) this time. If you have any chance to do so, please listen to it while reading! It's basically the essence of the whole chapter's mood.**

Slipping the two coins into his pocket, Shiro hopped out of the room, almost forgetting to close the door behind him as he went on his way to fetch some cake. Yuki looked after him absent-mindedly, seemingly deep in thought.

"What is it, Yuki?" Mrs Ito asked, putting down her cup. Tea. Its herbal scent wafted over to him. "You're so quiet today. Have you been quarrelling?"

Taken aback for a second by her suggestion, he shook his head. "No, nothing." He ran a hand through his hair, looking outside. "It's just, sometimes I - he - I don't know." He gave a sigh and the old woman smiled understandingly. It wasn't like she had never been young, thinking for long times about the most simple things, trying to understand everything that one shoved aside as an adult, accepting - or resigning? - that probably one would never know.

"Have some tea," she said simply, already pouring him a cup, and he nodded thankfully. Sometimes just something simple as that helped most.

"Why is it rice again? Can't you cook anything decent, idiot?"

Shinji put the plates down with a clatter, still clutching them like they were a bunch of grenades. "You know," he said, beginning to put one onto each place, "you're being awfully ungrateful considering that Rei lets you live here and considering that you do nothing to earn it. You just sit around and complain all day!"

"Well," Asuka spat, "it's better than prancing about with that _Oh, look, my lover boy argued with me and worries himself sick over me and now I'm too stuck-up to just go back and apologize but I also don't mind living with two pretty girls _look on your face! Idiot!"

That hit a sore spot, and the brunet turned on his heel and stormed out of the kitchen. A moment later, there was a thud as the door fell shut behind him.

Rei put some rice and vegetables onto her plate and began eating. "Why do you do that?" she asked quietly, but her usually flat voice had a little edge on it.

"Do what?" Asuka snapped, turning around towards her.

"You upset him," Rei answered simply, but she couldn't have angered Asuka more if she had shouted and thrown her knife at her. "You constantly remind him what his situation with that... Kaworu... looks like."

Crossing her arms, the redhead dropped onto a chair. The opposite side of the table, of course. She wasn't going to miss out on food because Shinji was acting childish. And Rei. And the whole world. "Someone has to," she grumbled.

Rei paused briefly. "Maybe you're right," she said finally.

"Of course I am!"

And with that, hungry or not hungry, Asuka left the room angrily, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

The wind cooled his face, biting nose and skin, swirling up small heaps of leaves and dirt. The sky arching above their heads was already dark blue as Yuki looked up at the few stars that shimmered already.

There was a tug at his sleeve. Shiro pointed up at a particularly bright star, then gestured questioningly. Yuki followed his pointing.

"That's Sirius," he said, letting his gaze travel across the other stars close by. "You can see it because, when you extend that line from Orion, you... There." He pointed up to where three milky white points were lined up like beads on a string, not quite as eye-catching. "That's the Orion's belt. Three stars, see those dots there? That's Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka. And if you think there's a line extending east and a little south from the belt, through Alnitak, it leads to Sirius..." He turned slowly on the spot, head tilted back to watch the sky circle above him.

"There is Capella," he went on, eyes travelling searchingly across the firmament, picking out details that Shiro knew he himself had no idea of. "And that's Pollux... It's winter, I think one might see the..." He trailed off, blushing slightly about having gotten so carried away, and looked over at Shiro.

The blonde was still looking up, gazing up at the stars in silent fascination, but when Yuki stopped, he turned to look at him and smiled. His dark eyes seemed black in the night, but they glittered with the scarce light that poured from lit windows. It would surely have been more poetic to say they shimmered like all the stars reflected in them, but - not really. They didn't shine bright enough this early, and the moon had not risen yet.

"Sorry," Yuki muttered, shoving his hands deeper into his jacket's pockets. "I didn't - it's getting chilly, you'll catch a cold," he finally said, unnecessarily, and turned. "Let's go."

Shiro stayed where he was for a little longer, looking after him, before he caught up with him. He looked a little disappointed. Yuki hesitated for a moment, but then he ruffled his hair briefly. "We'll look when we're back home, okay?" he offered apologetically. "I'm sure we can see a lot from the balcony, and from my window, and yours." It had somehow become a habit to speak of the window above Shiro's bed as Shiro's, same with Yuki's. He didn't even know why, but it had just happened. "And I have my books there, it's not like I know everything by heart." That brought a small smile onto the blonde's lips and Yuki was content.

The apartment welcomed them inside with thick, warm darkness, at least until Yuki switched the light on. Shiro peeled himself out of his thick coat and the short fleece jacket he wore underneath, impatiently tugging off scarf and gloves. He always wore warmer clothing than really necessary - after the incident when he had fainted in the bathroom, he always made a point of paying attention to little things like that. Yuki was glad about that, he hoped there wouldn't be other happenings like that now that Shiro seemed to care about himself and his health somewhat more.

Almost automatically the words registered in his brain when the blonde's lips formed them silently, he was slowly becoming good at this. _I'll take a shower._ He nodded automatically, hanging his own jacket on the coat hook.

"Me too," he said, running a hand through his hair. It really was cold. A hot shower seemed like incredible luxury to him after having lived without such in the factory. Hot water hadn't been an option. Why the taps had worked at all was a mystery he was sure they would never solve.

When Shiro stayed in place for another moment, he turned to look at him. "Yes, and afterwards we can look out of the window," he sighed, rolling his eyes, but apparently it was enough to send the blonde bouncing on his way to the bath. Shaking his head slightly, Yuki went off to fetch his books. He had always thought his small hobby must seem boring to others, but especially Shiro's sudden interest in it, Shiro, who was so much more... boyish than him - it just surprised him. Shiro was more the kind that could spend all day outside playing soccer and then curse the sun because it went down too early for his likings.

He flipped through his books, touching each page with loving care. The old, battered one that had been pretty much his only possession at the factory lay a little aside. One of the first things he had bought with his new earnings had been a book. Astronomy. And Mrs Ito had given him one on his birthday. Shiro must have told her. Nevertheless, the oldest copy was still his favourite. It had brought him to this, and he was sure that he had found it on the street had not been mere coincidence. At least it was a nice thing to think so.

Ten minutes later, the door opened and Shiro hopped inside, wrapped in a huge white towel - and shivering. Small droplets hung in his hair, glittering whenever he moved. His teeth chattered slightly and Yuki figured the blonde must have forgotten to take fresh clothes into the bath already, so now he had to fetch some first, and of course cross the apartment for that.

"My turn," he remarked, and carefully shut the book he had just been looking at. Picking his clothes from the bed - unlike Shiro, he had thought of them - he left for the bathroom. The room was warm and a little foggy, the shower itself still damp. He couldn't see his own reflection in the mirror. He wasn't sure if he wanted to.

When he re-entered their room, Shiro was sitting on his bed, looking with interest at one of the books, wearing shorts and an oversized shirt. However often Yuki told him it was too cold and however often Shiro took his advice into consideration, this one thing would never change. When the blonde insisted that a pyjama was too warm to sleep in tonight, then that was it and no amount of reasonable talking could convince him otherwise. And it wasn't like Yuki couldn't understand, at least a little bit - Shiro must be tired of being treated like a raw egg by now, always hearing "Watch it" and "Be careful" when he was the kind to climb onto the roof and dance along the gable just to see if he could.

He looked up when Yuki entered, towelling his hair dry, or at least a little dryer, and switched off the light. He smiled at the blonde's confusion.

"You won't see much when all lights are on in here," he remarked mockingly, sitting down beside him. His bed was just broad enough to give comfort squatting at its head twosome, and when he saw that outside the moon had finally risen over the rooftops, he left his bedside lamp switched off as well because the silvery glow should be enough to read what was necessary. His shoulder all but touched Shiro's when he moved a little to see something better, but it wasn't really a bother.

"Where were we..." He frowned slightly in remembering what he had explained last, and Shiro wrote invisible letters onto the sill with his fingers, spelling the name out. "Oh. Oh, okay. Um..."

It was impressive how many of the stars he could see from his window. Far from all, for that you had to be under the skies themselves without any ceilings and walls and horizons to bar your view, but it was more than he had thought.

"Okay, Orion. Orion is named after a Greek hunter, some mythology thing or something - but don't quote me on it - and it's also called The Hunter. It has lots of stars, but I think I can manage to muster at least some of the important ones... Um, alright." He tilted his head a little. "That one over there is Betelgeuse. It's a red supergiant. Impressive, hm?" He smiled lop-sidedly. "Well, red giants, or red planets, are those stars and suns that are close to dying. You see, a star extends during its lifetime, if you can call it that, and then it grows bigger and bigger - and blows up someday. They burn their hydrogen with the time and when they're at the end of that phase, they start burning helium and - I don't know, it's complicated, but it's enough to know that they extend and explode." He shrugged. "When they're small - in relation to other stars, of course, our sun is really small compared to others - they become white dwarves and, well, that's it. Then they use up their stored energy and glow a little and wink out, and then they're black dwarves and just float around. Dead." He grimaced, and Shiro grinned. He had rested his chin on his folded arms, listening attentively. "There's also blue supergiants, but they are really rare and way hotter and greater than the red ones, Rigel is one of them, and they're brighter than sixty thousand suns together." He paused for a short moment, apparently having to take a breath after talking of so much greatness in so comparably few words.

"But, Betelgeuse, it's one of the largest stars known, and a red one," Yuki went on, gesturing vaguely. "And when one of those blow up, they can become black holes. Or neutron stars. You see, the core of a red giant contracts incredibly quickly, imagine something the mass and size of several suns - Betelgeuse has one thousand and five hundred all in all - constricting into something with a diameter of just fifteen kilometers, that's what makes the outer layers explode. Basically. And what remains of the core is a neutron star - it has a massive gravity, and deeper than maybe two centimeters there's not even any atoms anymore because they can't stand that gravity. And when it was a really, really large star, it becomes a black hole, and those have a gravity we can't even begin to imagine." He sighed. "We can do maths about it and everything, but I don't think I can even begin to really imagine something that has such a strong pull that it swallows even light." He leant forward, and Shiro thought he could see a small, excited gleam in his eyes. "You know, when you're in front of a black hole - supposing you can stand in front of it without being ground to dust -, then you can look to either side and it seems to be all around you, too." Shiro tried to imagine it - and found he could not. He smiled as he watched Yuki stare out of the window absent-mindedly, and he could all too well see it working in his head, as he daydreamed about black holes and red planets and dwarfs. When Yuki noticed him looking, he looked almost shy, in a confused, strange way, but he smiled back.

Suddenly, he raised his chin from where it had rested in his palm in a somewhat jerky motion, running a hand through his hair embarrassedly. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I'm getting carried away, all that stuff must bore you, the whole physics thing and - um, okay, Orion, Orion, its stars..." He didn't move from where he sat, but Shiro had the impression that he would have bustled about if he had. Somehow, he would have liked him to stay like that one moment. With a sigh, he rested his chin on his arms again.

"At the moment," Yuki went on, regaining his composition, "you can see the winter circle. Um, you see, it has six stars, and..." He pointed. "It consists of Capella, there at the top, Aldebaran over there, that is Rigel - it's in the Orion, and its brightest star -, there is Prokryon and Sirius - the really bright one over there - and Pollux is the last one, there..." He paused. "And I think, when you look over there, you can - you can..." He trailed off as Shiro sat up and leant forward a little to see better, his gaze shifting from the skies outside to somewhere behind the blonde.

Shiro turned slightly, but there was nothing but the dark room, not much different from anytime else, except maybe the shadows that painted everything. When he turned back, he noticed it - Yuki was not looking past him, but _at_ him. A spot above where shoulder and neck ran together, at the side of his throat.

His hand shot up abruptly, covering the scar that had been revealed when his shirt's collar had slid down a bit.

Gently, Yuki pulled his fingers away, looking at the scar with an almost sick fascination, the skin pink and vulnerable where the bullet had torn it and where it now healed. He ran his thumb along its edge cautiously, noticed Shiro breathe in audibly.

Yuki looked up into his face, and this time, what made his dark eyes shimmer really was the gentle shine of the moon, or the stars, or both. Sitting up a little, he leant in to kiss him.

There was a pair of arms around his neck, fingers in his hair, twining dark strands gently, invitingly. Somehow, he wasn't even surprised to find one of his own hands travelling up the back of his neck, sliding into blonde hair that was still the slightest bit damp from showering. Blackberries. The scent of blackberries filled his nose, sweet and dewy, and only the smallest part of Yuki's brain wondered why his mouth did not also taste of them as he let himself be pulled down onto the mattress, or he was it who leaned Shiro into the cushions, he did not know, but lastly it did not matter because the result was the same.

Blackberries.

* * *

The apartment was dark when Shinji entered, only in the kitchen was light on. When he had taken off his jacket and scarf, he peered through the door, ready to retreat quickly in case it was Asuka, but it was only Rei sitting at the table and reading a book. As if she had sensed his coming, she looked up, and a rare, uncertain smile flickered across her features for a moment before she looked down onto the pages again. Without really knowing why, he entered the room and sat down at the table, resting his chin in a hand and absent-mindedly began retracing the wood's grain with his finger.

"Do you want to talk?" Rei asked, turning a page with a finger she had briefly wetted with her tongue.

Shinji shrugged. "I don't know," he muttered, following his finger's circling with his eyes. "I mean..." He paused and shrugged again. "I have a boyfriend, Rei." He almost felt like giving a hollow laugh. Almost. If he hadn't felt more like crying. "And I left two months without even knowing he exists. A boyfriend."

There was silence for some long minutes. Rei did not know what to say, or if she should say anything at all. She had never seen that Kaworu, she knew nothing more about him than that he and Shinji seemed to have been... close.

He gave a sharp, bitter laugh that died away quickly. "A boyfriend. I'm _gay_." He rested his face in his hands. She looked up, watching him.

"It shouldn't bother you that much," she said finally, quietly. She had never thought that much about feelings, let alone talked about them. This was... kind of awkward. That was new, too. Feeling awkward. So much had changed since Soryu had come here. "Not when you seem to like him enough to have told him you love him."

There was a painfully long, silent moment. Shinji didn't look at her.

"I didn't," he replied finally, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I never told him that I loved him. Not like that."

Holding his head like he wanted to claw out the thoughts ghosting through his mind, like he wanted to keep all the world away from it, he stood and left. She could hear the door to his room close quietly.

The page turned.

* * *

Small, angular prints were left in the snow as cold feet touched it, their owner just barely heavy enough to leave any impressions at all. The bird's beak shone in the moonlight, wet with the dewy droplets in the grass where it had pecked for food, searched desperately. It wished it were spring again, with beetles and berries and worms.

A loud rustle in a nearby bush made it hop, in a flurry of dirty feathers, it set off the ground and did not rest until it was well away from whatever had made the sound, perched on a frozen branch.

It hopped along its length curiously. Maybe there were some gaps and holes in the bark where beetles might hide from the cold. Or maybe a squirrel had left some of its food, shooed away by some other animal.

When there was nothing to be found on this side of the tree, at this height, it fluttered over to the next branch, barely a twig, bending under the bird's weight. It gave a startled chirp and went right on to the next one, thick and sturdy and old. Resin leaked out of a cleft at its side, but no beetles. No food.

It continued its search, aimlessly fluttering from one tree to the other, futilely looking for something to eat. Cowering on the lower branches of an oak, it turned its head abruptly. A sound. Something was coming closer, fast, by the sounds of it. A fox?

Warily, the bird hopped a little further upwards. Nothing would happen here, and it could watch.

A shape peeled out of the dark, running. Tall. No fox. Too tall. A human. A young one, it seemed.

The bird looked after the boy as he vanished in the dark again, wiping an arm across his face. Why, it could only wonder. Then, it shook once from head to toe, fluffing its plumage up for more warmth, and went on in its search for food.

* * *

Shiro rolled over with a sigh, burying his face in the pillow. It was dark. It probably was not even morning yet. No time to be awake.

Huddling against the cushions, he inhaled deeply. And halted. This wasn't his bed.

Blinking sleepily as, slowly, recollection came back, he sat up. Looking at the window, there still were books lying on the sill. Astronomy books. The open pages told him, "The Winter Circle".

Yuki.

Pulling the blanket up around him, he looked about. Yuki wasn't here. He could remember having fallen asleep next to him, more or less; with the other boy lying half on top of him. A look at the floor. No, his clothes were missing as well.

Frowning, with a sudden chill creeping up his spine, Shiro picked his own shorts from the floor. Hugging himself against the air that seemed way too cold all of a sudden, even though the heating was on, he stood up. His bed was empty, too. Of course. He had slept in Yuki's.

Thinking back, he was not sure if he was supposed to feel cold or warm. Yuki had kissed him. And not only kissed. He could feel a blush creep into his cheeks. However much he had always thought he would be the least likely one having to blush when thinking about such things, really having shared Yuki's bed was certainly enough to make a warm tingle spread throughout him. But maybe it had just been that he had actually fallen asleep with an arm around him afterwards, the warm, sleepy weight of another human's body heavy on his own, breathing gently into his ear. Maybe he had never known how much he had wanted that to happen.

And Yuki wasn't here.

Slipping into his shirt, Shiro went over to the door. Maybe he just couldn't sleep and was in the kitchen. Or the living-room.

Forgetting for a moment that his voice wouldn't do anymore, Shiro's lips silently formed the syllables of Yuki's name. But no one was there to read them.

* * *

**I should mention that I don't guarantee any accuracies in the stuff that Yuki says about astronomy - I myself have been taught some by my father, who knows a great lot of it, but I had to look up some things and it's probably all nonsense that I ended up writing. I hope you can forgive me.**

**Anyway, phew, the drama is getting more. (Like we don't have enough of it already.) **

**That said, I wanted to mention that many characters have something for me that describes them, or just belongs to them - for Shiro, that's blackberries, honey and songbirds, for Yuki it's ravens and night skies, and black and white for both. **

**Also, after a real hassle and much talk of "Yes, probably" and "No, maybe not" and such, I applied for a scholarship, one year Australia. If it all works out (and it looks like it at the moment), I'll be in Australia from July to April or something about that time. And that also means: no writing during that time. At least no putting it up on the internet. (And I'm awfully slow writing per hand.) It also means a lot of other things, but that's nothing that should concern you ;)**

**However, it might also take me longer two weeks for the next chapter. I haven't finished it yet, and the next time is going to be extremely stressful - I have to hurry doing the paperwork for my scholarship, several tests are coming up, my first violin performance in front of people, a school trip... Yadda yadda yadda. So, please, excuse me if it takes a week longer than usual or two.**


	32. The One

Title: Scraps of Gold - Pale Perfection

**Title: Scraps of Gold - The One**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 32/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 3,680**

**Listening recommendation this time is "I hate everything about you" by Three Days Grace and the piano version of Shakira's "La Pared".**

The sun had just risen above the rooftops, breathing gentle shimmer onto the world, bathing everything in a pale glow. Shiro pulled his knees a little closer to his chest where he lay curled up in his own bed. He had sat in the dark for an hour, waiting. Yuki had not come back yet. His shoes and jacket were missing. And Shiro had not returned to his bed, and instead to his own one. It had been cold.

Rubbing at his eyes, he sat up. The shadows were soft and grey. They had been black last night. Dark as Yuki's hair between his fingers.

He felt strangely empty. Yuki had kissed him, and - it hadn't stayed at only kissing. And now Yuki wasn't here.

Despite the fact that the heating was on, he shivered slightly and rubbed his arms absent-mindedly. He had imagined this to be different. It sounded like some girl's cheesy fantasy, but he would have liked to wake up with his head tucked under Yuki's chin, curled up against him, or maybe even being kissed awake. Yes. Cheesy. But warm. Warmer at least than returning in the middle of the night into a bed that had not seen a human in twenty-four hours instead of the one that had certainly been very warm with the heat of skin glowing against skin.

His bare feet barely made any noise on the wooden floor, especially not where a thick carpet covered it and his feet met gentle softness. He wearily trotted into the bath, splashing some cold water into his face first.

When he re-entered the corridor again, he halted abruptly. There was a jacket on the coat hook that he had not noticed before.

There was a noise in the kitchen. The clinking of cups.

Almost stumbling in his hast to open the door, Shiro opened it a little more vehemently than needed and it gave a thud as it bumped against the wall.

Yuki was standing in front of the window, looking outside. When Shiro burst into the room, he turned abruptly, almost dropping the cup that he was holding. The warm, sweet scent of cacao wafted over to Shiro, and for a moment he had no idea what to say or do as he simply stared at him.

His dark hair was dishevelled - albeit the blonde suspected his own looked no different; he remembered fingers running through it -, and the pale light that was filtered down to a gentler texture by the low curtains on the windows outlined his form in soft silver. He was maybe not the boy that all girls in at school would be after, but at that moment Shiro knew exactly he could never have found anyone that beautiful, soul and all, with his wiry frame and the scar beneath his shoulder blade and the little flaws that just made him all the more perfect.

Then the moment was over and Yuki's gaze dropped from his face to somewhere about his knees and it seemed that he raised it again only reluctantly.

Yuki registered the words almost absent-mindedly as he read them from the lips he could remember having kissed mere hours ago. Actually, he did not even need to look at them. The question was heavy enough in the air as it was, without Shiro uttering it.

_Where have you been?_

The blonde watched him drop his eyes again, then turn away to set the cup down. He picked it up again, and answered in a voice too flat for Shiro's likings. "Outside," he said, taking a sip of cacao, and gave him a quick smile that seemed too casual to be honest. "I just needed some fresh air, you know, well... I mean, it's not like..." He trailed off, either not knowing how to go on or expecting Shiro to complete the sentence with what was right. Only that he had no idea of what was right.

Shiro dropped onto one of the chairs around the small kitchen table. However much he might have thought he had felt empty this morning, it had been replaced by a hollowness that slowly began to fill with questions, and confusion - and anger.

"You want to drink something?" Yuki went on, and Shiro was filled with disgust at how nonchalantly he leant against the kitchen table, talking way too much - too much rubbish for his usually quiet ways, pretending that everything was like nothing had happened.

Yuki did not look at him, always just past his head or shoulder.

"I'll have to get going soon," he went on, shovelling some brown powder onto a spoon and measuring it with his eye before dropping it into an empty cup. Three more spoonfuls followed automatically. He was used to Shiro's sweet tooth. "There's going to be a new book by Jade Green and we still have to sort five boxes of it into the shelves." He poured hot milk into the cup. Shiro continued staring down at his hands, folded uselessly in his lap.

Damn, they had _slept_ with each other, and Yuki was acting like the greatest idiot he could imagine, trying to be all casual and chatty as if really nothing had happened, after sharing his bed and disappearing in the middle of the night, making him sick with worry.

Stifling a yawn, Yuki set the cup down in front of Shiro, still carefully avoiding looking at him. "Didn't sleep enough tonight," he muttered, then coloured like he had just hiccupped in front of a queen, and hastily sat down. "I mean, I should have, with all the work -"

With a loud clatter, Shiro jumped up, pushing the cup away from him, and hastened out of the kitchen. Yuki, barely noticing the hot cacao dripping from the table onto his shirt and pants, stared after him. A moment later, the door to their room was slammed shut. A key turned in its lock.

Closing his eyes with disgust, Yuki rested his face in his hands. His mutter was muffled by his palms.

"_Idiot_."

* * *

Shinji watched the two birds huddle against each other on the roof of the opposite house, plumage fluffed up to keep out the cold. It was much too early for any birds to have come back from the south already, and much too late to fly away anymore. He did not know much about birds. Maybe they were of some kind that stayed here during winter.

Kaworu.

Once Asuka had said it, it had all come back. His boyfriend. More than that. He could remember their talks, Scraps, Nathalie, Justus, how he had played the cello of Kaworu's great-grandfather on his birthday. What kissing him had felt like.

It had been some days now since Asuka had reminded him. And he had still not gone back. He was such a coward.

Burying his chin deeper behind his crossed forearms, he stared aside sullenly. A coward. He had always been one, and he was not sure if he would ever manage to change. Not if he went on like this.

And how he deserved to be called so. Whatever Rei might think after their talk last night, it didn't bother him at all that it was a boy he wanted to be with. Kaworu was Kaworu, and he would surely have loved him as much had he been born a girl. No, it was not a reason like that that made him hesitate. It was that he was simply afraid.

Kaworu had been completely right, wanting him to go back to the others and clear matters up, talk instead of senselessly running away. And he? He had been too stupid to see reason, even if presented to him with hugs and kisses, and pushed away the one that was on his side for sure. How idiotic.

And where had his running led him? To a life in oblivion of his former one, wishing desperately to have it back. How idiotic.

And here he was, with everything in his hands to take it back, and still afraid of what might happen.

He really was such an idiot.

* * *

"Kaworu?"

He looked up as Nathalie opened the door, looking inside. "What's it?"

"I thought maybe you would like to come with me? I'm taking Scraps out for a walk," she said, holding the leash up explanatively.

For a long moment, he regarded her in silence. Then, he closed his book and put it aside. "Okay," he said finally, running a hand through his hair. "I'll just change my shirt."

"Alright." Folding her arms, she leant in the doorway, waiting. A long pause followed.

"You're not going to stand here watching me change, will you?" he asked warily. A small grin followed on her part.

"Please, Kaworu. I'm your _mother_. If someone has seen you naked, it's me. Or Shinji," she added in an afterthought, laying a finger to her chin pensively.

He coloured. He had never known she even had a sense of humour. But, many things had changed since they had come to better terms with each other again. Such as her being able to mention the whole "I'm your mother" thing without lapsing into an awkward silence or growing all moody. That was an improvement, definitely. But other things... Well.

"Und was sagst du dazu?" she asked, suddenly in German. He looked at her oddly as she bent down to pick Scraps up where he must have been sitting behind the door, where he could not see. "Dass mein Junge sich geniert, vor seiner Mutter auch nur sein Hemd zu wechseln? Was habe ich nur falsch gemacht?" She laid a hand to her cheek as if in deep embarrassment. The puppy licked her arm fondly, and she gave a small laugh before turning. "Well, have some privacy," she said over her shoulder. "But we're off in five minutes."

He was glad she closed the door behind her. Yes, he would really have to get used to that. His mother having a sense of humour.

Mere two minutes later, he arrived down in the hall where Nathalie and Scraps were waiting already, the puppy scratching its ear idly with a paw.

It was cold outside, but there was no wind, only sometimes did a breeze stir up a heap of leaves or tousle their hair.

Scraps leaped about lively, dragging about sticks and old bottles and whatever else managed to catch his interest, which was quite a lot of things. Kaworu felt guilty. He had spent so little time with him lately. Actually, he had spent most of his time just doing nothing and bathing in his woe when he did not have anything else to do. How pathetic. He wanted Shinji to be here, right now, so he could just take him into his arms and tell him that he had been acting stupid, no matter what had happened. If he had made Shinji run away - run away! -, it must have been stupid, however plausible his reasons might have been - or sounded to him, at least.

He had also, to his eternal shame, begun to share Shinji's dislike against those that had made him go from the factory in there first place. Completely irrational, of course, but often enough he found himself wishing that Shiro had just never seen them, or had never said all that to Shinji, or better even never come to the factory. Probably unfair, but it had all begun with him, and when he was too tired of blaming himself, it was just too easy to put all fault to the blonde. But lastly, it did not matter whose fault it was. He just wanted Shinji back.

"Earth to son?"

He gave a start when there was a voice reminding him that, however far away his mind might have been right now, he was still out on a walk with his mother and Scraps. Actually, when he cared to really look at his surroundings instead of just registering that, yes, he was somewhere, he noticed that the world was no longer moving past him. Or that he wasn't moving anymore. He was standing. In the middle of the street. Oh.

Before he knew what happened, Nathalie had taken a step closer and taken him into an embrace, one of the kind that told you no matter how much you didn't want it, your mother had decided you needed a hug, so you got one.

Though he was a little taller than Shinji, he was merely of average height and Nathalie still had a few centimetres more than him - that would change, too, some day he would be taller than her, and what a weird thought it was. It was almost disconcerting how comforted he felt by her slight frame attached to his like this, her breasts against his chest, arms around his shoulders that made him feel... yes, protected, despite the fact that if anything happened, however small the likeliness, he would be the one more likely able to defend himself. Maybe this really was what it felt like to have a mother.

And he let go, let go of the outward restrain he had at least tried to keep, and let his face sink down to her shoulder. Slim fingers ran through his hair as he wept.

* * *

Shiro had not even flinched upon hearing the door shut. Shut, he knew, behind Yuki. When he left for work.

He hugged himself a little closer. On the ground behind him lay the torn remnants of a newspaper he'd ripped apart in his fury. He was so sick... He just wanted to scream, to scream until his voice was reduced to a raspy whisper. But he couldn't even do that.

He would have liked to shout at Yuki. To take him by the shoulders and shout into his face, to do more than just run out of the kitchen and lock himself up in their room. But he had made the discovery that throwing a tantrum without shouting just didn't do. It was all the shouting that kept you going in senseless rage, that drowned out your own thoughts and let you go on blindly until you could not even croak anymore. But how pathetic it would have been had he just shook Yuki and stared at him, or smashed a plate and stayed silent. How ridiculous.

Saplessly, Shiro rubbed his eyes, but they were sore already and felt like they would either burn or fall out any moment. Crying like a child. And just because he had been disappointed once again.

Really, it was pathetic. He'd been disappointed so many times in his life that he had stopped counting, but this time it just seemed to weigh more than anytime else.

He wasn't sure if he could bear it if Yuki just left him now. Yuki had been the reason he had once tried to take his life, but also the reason that had kept him alive when he had actually survived. However much he knew that Yuki had to have problems with the way he liked him, he just wanted him to stay there. Not another one turning away.

He had never really stopping looking at him as more than just his best friend, but he had never again mentioned it to Yuki in any way. He hadn't wanted Yuki to think he expected anything more than being friends from him. If he at least stayed with him as that, it was enough. It had to be enough.

But now? With the way last night had passed?

He wasn't even sure how exactly it had all happened. Yuki had explained something about the winter circle, and then he had kissed him, and then there had been hands and a mouth and when he had finally begun to think clear again, he'd been undressed and breathless and with Yuki heavily on top of him.

But what now? What was he to do?

He curled up tightly, pulling the blanket over his head. What was he to do?

* * *

Restlessly, Asuka tossed about under her blanket. The sound of distant night life was muffled by glass panels and curtains and a distance that only night's darkness could summon, swallowing in shadows even her own thoughts. Shadows that made the chair at the tiny table look like some beast, cowering in the dark to wait for her to sleep and then tear her throat open, shadows that transformed the slightest stirring of the curtains into a certain assault of something. Something.

Yet the only assault that she had to endure right now was not that of some creature of her own dark imagination, but of her conscience and her heart.

She was lying on the couch in Rei's small living-room, surprisingly comfortable considering how narrow it was. But comfort as this was none to her now, because her own thoughts made her squirm and shift uneasily as thought chased uncertain thought in her head.

She should not have told Shinji. Upon his question of who Kaworu was, she might just have confirmed his suspicion that he was merely another stray who had joined them in their living in the factory, simply some boy that he had known like all the others. Why hadn't she just lied? But, she had never lied. Twisting reality to her wishes sometimes, giving her words a little tweek here and there, but she had never lied. She had always been a good girl. Always. Good girls didn't lie. Her mother had always said that. Always.

She was not bound to her mother anymore. Not to her father, either. Anyone. Anyone who wanted her to be good and successful and more perfect than anyone else to replace their own shallowness with the proud of their daughter. Everyone she had to make proud now was herself.

Turning to her other side, she buried her nose deeply in the thin cushion, way too thin for her likings.

And yet, something in Shinji's face had just made her tell the truth. It was painful to realize, it tore at her so much she almost wished the chair really would turn out as some creature and rip out her heart instead, but she had been shaken by the desire to make _him_ proud. Like a silly little girl, facing an uncomfortable lesson to afterwards get a sweetie and a pat on the head with the words "Well done" to then be sent away again.

Where had all her proud gone when she needed someone else to have it for her? Where had her courage and her daring temperant vanished to? Where was her heart now, when sometimes she felt so numb that she couldn't even feel it beat?

She still vividly remembered Shinji's face in that very moment. He had looked so awaiting, his eyes so vibrant with expectance of getting to know the whole truth of some sweet secret that life had granted him but short, incomplete glimpses of up to now. Somehow, she could not have disappointed him. She had ruined so much, and if it was her own life that she had turned for the worse, she didn't want to take his with her as well. And she had always been so sure that when she went down, she wanted him to fall as well, deeper if possible.

Where was her heart now?

She had never thought herself particularly girly. True, she did have a weakness for animal babies, but didn't anyone? Shinji himself, wasn't he so fond of his puppy? True, she had sometimes snatched books so thin that you could almost call them magazines from a shelf, cheesy romances, but merely because the real books were too bulky to hide under a thin jacket barely worth the name. And maybe it was true that, somewhere in her impossible twisted heart, she believed in something like love. In the unbelievably stupid concept of it lasting longer than just a kiss and a heartbreak.

And maybe it was that very idea that had given her the final push in the direction that she had taken at last. Shinji had really seemed to know how important that very question was to him, even if its full meaning had not revealed itself to him yet, and although she had no idea of how exactly an amnesia worked, he seemed to have an idea of Kaworu. How else would he have come to ask about him in detail when he hadn't had some notion about his existence, his looks? Somehow he had been reminded of them - there it was, that disgusting little word, summing up the snogging and flirting and stupid nonsense going on between the two boys, summing up their whole god-damned relationship, _them_ - and no matter what her choice would have been, they would somehow have found back to each other. That was even more cruel to realise. She was of no importance. It would somehow have developed this way anyway.

And if Shinji had found out that she had lied to him, that she had intentionally used his amnesia to keep him away from Kaworu - she didn't even want to imagine what would have happened, though she knew the scenario so well.

He would have pushed her away, refusing to even look at her for another time, because she had willfully done such harm, and she would finally lose even the tiny fraction of respect that she had earned from him so far. She had always been of the opinion that it would have to be all or nothing, that he would hers or no one's or gone from her life completely, but that had been when the chances of losing him completely had been so incredibly much smaller, so minute that they laughable. Now she clawed at everything she could get, not minding if she left bloody scratches in the process, so long as something remained.

Where was her heart now?

* * *

**I apologize sincerely for having taken such a long time! Quite a lot has happened - I was on that class trip to Berlin and actually survived, I had my Belgian exchange student here (and it was a blast!) and, most important, I will really be going to Australia! I'm leaving on July 1st (even before my birthday) and I'm already terrified of the 24-hours-flight. But at least my doll will come with me - Henrietta has finally arrived! And she's such a darling.**

**Now, something more concerning SoG more or less: first I want to say that sadly enough I won't be able to do "Sketchwork" or the other story I had planned with Kaworu and Shinji, at least not before I leave. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll have the opportunity to do my writing there somehow, but I wouldn't rely on it. (Of course I will pick up writing as usual when I'm back.)**

**I also want to express my gratitude for the many favourites, update alerts and author favourites that I have gotten during my small break - thank you! **

**And now, before I quit (I'm talking entirely too much) I want to say last but not least that I have finally gotten (-fanfares-) a blog! My umpteenth one. Let's see how long this one survives.**


	33. And the Other

**Title: Scraps of Gold - And the Other**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 33/??**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 4,471**

**Listening recommendations are La Pared (acoustic) by Shakira, Everything you want by Vertical Horizon and Broken Sword of Justice by Yuki Kajiura (TRC soundtrack IV). **

Yuki stared down at his knees. There was a dark stain on his jeans there, on the left, from when he had slipped. The streets were still wet from rain that had fallen during the night. Yuki knew, he had lain awake for hours and heard the drops beat against the windows.

He ran a hand across his face. Oh God.

--

"Honestly, I don't know why I have to do this," Asuka complained, on her face a pouty scowl suitable for any three-year-old.

"Because it's easier to carry the bags home if we're two," Shinji said, taking a glass out of the shelf and putting it into the shopping cart. "Besides, it's not like you don't eat anything, so you can do your part for the household."

Asuka pulled a grimace and stuck out her tongue to him, but he was already making his way down the isle, slowly scanning the shelves left and right with an occasional glance down at the shopping list. When he turned aside a little to pick a package of tea, however, she could see that there was the tiniest of amused smiles on his lips.

This was certainly a surprise. Ever since she had told him about Kaworu and his relationship with that idiot, the brunet had rarely been what one would call relaxed, most of the time with a constant light frown etched into his features. How was it that now he could be _amused_ when she was angry?

Shinji turned back to have another look at the list. He didn't even know why, but even though he quarrelled with Asuka often enough and even though he rarely was amused in the least by it, today it seemed oddly refreshing after a night spent brooding about himself and Kaworu. He looked stealthily over at her.

Right now she was shooting lofty glances at two boys that had been eyeing her with open interest, and they vanished quickly around the corner of the next aisle. Another smile found its way to Shinji's lips. Not everyone could brave Asuka's glares.

But, he could understand their looking. Asuka looked very pretty indeed, even though her coat was the one that she had worn when Shinji had found her, and it was somewhat loose about her chest - he wondered whose it was, it seemed vaguely familiar. Her red hair was sleek and rested on her shoulders like phoenix wings, now that she had the opportunity to really wash it instead of just hastily running water and a little soap through it and then hoping that she wouldn't catch a massive cold while waiting for it to dry in the chilly air. Her jeans fit her long, slender legs snugly. No, it really was no surprise that boys liked looking at her. He himself had for a long time, still did. If not like that anymore.

It was really good that he had taken her along. It kept him from brooding.

But, at that moment he remembered again what he had been thinking about and he turned away, face darkening. Not only that he remembered now how much he had wrecked his and Kaworu's relationships, probably put it to ruins, he had also realized that there was still some small bit lacking in his memory. Merely a few hours, yet he couldn't stop thinking feverishly about what might be the last splinter, the final piece in the puzzle.

It was the evening of when he had run from Kaworu. After Asuka had told him, he could remember as far as leaving through the large, white iron gate, staring back at Kaworu for a moment with a heart so heavy it seemed to want to sink through the soles of his feet. Then he had turned away, giving in to the desire to run, heard Kaworu shout after him - almost a scream, tearing at his ears and his heart -, and then - nothing. His own tracks faded in front of - or behind? - him in the darkness of that night.

He wondered if he ever was to regain that last part. He had no idea what had happened. Rei had not been able to tell him, she had merely found him on her doorstep, and even should he ever bring up the courage to ask, Kaworu would not, either, because if he had known what had taken place, and where, Shinji surely would not have woken at Rei's.

He blinked when the list was plucked from his fingers, bringing him back to earth.

"Let me see," Asuka said, peering down at the paper. "I don't trust you not to forget anything."

Shinji could not help but hide a smile.

Half an hour later they were on their way back to Rei's apartment, with Shinji carrying the majority of the shopping bags and Asuka complaining happily. And his mood was slowly sinking again. He heaved a deep sigh, directing his gaze to the heavens, when she moaned about how much she had to do and to carry and how much the weather was getting on her nerves, and...

He had to hold back from kicking against one of the garbage cans lining the alley. Refreshing? This? Maybe when the only other alternative was being stuck in a pit full of snakes, but right now...

He was torn out of his thoughts once again, this time by the notion of Asuka making a sound vaguely resembling a cat hissing with the fur on her back bristling. Then, before he could even open his mouth to ask, he was grabbed roughly by the collar and choked as the hem cut into his throat because his body had not stopped moving fast enough.

"Well, who do we have here," a voice said, way too close to his ear, and he wasn't quite sure why all at once he felt like screaming in panic. "Don't we know each other?"

Coughing, he was turned around and now faced what seemed to be a gang of five or so youths. His vision a little blurry at the corners, due to the coughing his eyes had begun watering a little, but not enough to pass for more than that. He was quite glad about that.

The boys in the background grinned. It surely was only his imagination, but it seemed that they all wore the exact same grin. He stared at the one still holding him by his collar. And shivered.

"You don't remember me?" the boy asked, quirking an eyebrow in a smirk that told Shinji he didn't think himself particularly funny, and didn't want anyone else to. Shinji didn't think anyone actually _could_.

"Hey," the youth said then, looking back at the other ones. "Anyone here remembers him?"

There was a deal of muttering and rough laughing, and Shinji caught a few words said, and everything fell back into place.

Something seemed to snap inside his head, and Shinji shook himself to get free somehow. He had never been particularly sturdy, and he had never really wanted to, but right he would have given quite a bit for having some more muscles. As it was, he felt just pathetically helpless trying to wind out of the merciless grip that still held him. Helpless.

"Seems you recognize me after all," the boy said with a satisfaction in his voice that made Shinji want to sick up. But he had survived this same thing once already, it couldn't get worse than the last time, but - ... Asuka.

"Not alone this time, hm?"

Shinji glanced over at Asuka out of the corner of his eye and now he _did_ panic. She was cornered by two of the others and giving them her best angry face, but she had to know as good as he did that she didn't stand a chance against them, even if she was taller than one of them.

"Don't touch her," Shinji growled, finally managing to put an elbow into the boy's ribs and pulling free somehow. He heard the seams on the back of his collar crack, but it didn't matter now. The next thing he knew was that the asphalt was meeting his face as his momentum made him trip and fall over. There was a burning pain across his forehead and cheek.

The youth didn't make any pretense of being funny anymore. He looked angry. A moment later, Shinji found himself lying on his face again after he had sat up, now with a shoe pressing down between his shoulder blades. He gulped for breathe, but his lungs just wouldn't work under the pressure.

"So, enough fooling around," he heard that disgustingly familiar, hated voice above him. Somewhere above. All he himself could see was the concrete ground and a little bit of the next house's wall.

"Damn right!"

Suddenly the pressure was gone; Shinji gasped, and air filled his lungs again. He heard the sound of someone crashing into the ground and, with some effort, rolled over to see what had just happened.

Asuka was standing above him, cold metal glinting deadly in her hands. She was panting slightly, staring down at the youth she had thrown herself at. He was lying on the ground, wiping some blood from his underlip. He stared up at Asuka, stared at the gun's barrel that was pointing at him.

"That's enough," Asuka said. She spoke through gritted teeth, and Shinji had the feeling she was just barely holding back from shouting. Her red hair whipped in a cold breeze and Shinji was sure a pack of wolves would have fled at the mere sight of her. She was beautiful. Beautiful and deadly. "I'll give you one piece of advise, and that's that you get off as fast as possible, or we'll see how many bullets are left." She jerked the gun threateningly.

Shinji thought he had never seen anyone run off so quickly. He looked after the youths as they vanished around the nearest corner. His heart still pounded against his ribs as if it wanted to break them, blood still rushed in his ears.

There was a hand extended towards him. "You okay?" Asuka asked, surprisingly amiably considering that she had just threatened to shoot someone. Shinji let himself be pulled up and nodded hazily. He still felt a little dizzy from the former lack of air.

"What did they want from you?" she questioned, tucking the gun back into her coat pocket.

Shinji knew he probably should have wondered why she had taken the thing with her at all, but he didn't really care. His mind was wrapped around a very different matter.

He had found the last piece.

--

His tightly clasped hands ached from the cold. His whole body was numbed with it. But the outward sensation was nothing compared to what was taking place in his head, burning emotion crashing into thoughts that felt like his very soul was chilled.

Yuki reached up to pull up the collar of his jacket a little. Completely useless, of course. But somehow the familiar gesture, its normality, seemed to soothe him a little. The thickets enclosing the small clearing were glittering with frost. There was an empty socket near one end. He guessed that at some point there must have been a statue once.

For how long had he been sitting here now already? Two hours? Three? He tried to make himself remember, but somehow it did not work. Somehow, something seemed to be wrong with time since... the incident. Time had slowed and seemed elude his control completely. Not that it ever had passed according to his will, but he found himself unable to guess at even the shortest amounts of time. Maybe it was because it suddenly was all so different from the life that he had finally grown accustomed to.

When he had come home on the first day after - well, after, the bedroom door had not been locked anymore. Shiro had already been in bed, curled up with the blanket pulled up so high that only a few centimeters of blond hair had been to be seen. Yuki knew he should have said something, should have done something - and had went to bed, coward that he was.

The next morning he had woken early to leave for work and made enough breakfast so Shiro would have some when he woke - the blonde usually slept long in the morning if there wasn't anything important to do, lazy as he could be sometimes. He had been glad to go, though. A night of fitful sleep hadn't brought him any closer to finding a solution.

At work, he had been fidgety and unsettled all day and found himself retreating into a corner with a book to read as often as he wasn't really needed. He hadn't been able to focus on the story, however - not when his own seemed to be in such a great need of some resolve, of a happy ending, if possible.

In the afternoon, he had decided to visit Mrs Ito. He could still remember.

"_So, don't you want to tell me why you're really here?" she asked with a sigh, slightly tilting her head in question. _

_Yuki blinked, sitting up straight rather abruptly. "What?" he asked, running a hand through his hair in confusion. He could still feel a different set of fingers do that. _

_Mrs Ito shook her head in exasperation. "It is very unlike you to come to me, request me to tell you something, and then sit around without listening. Not that I'm offended, of course," she added, smiling slightly, "I imagine that an old woman's talk must be boring to the youth, but it is not like you're usual ways. What's wrong?" _

_Yuki looked aside, feeling guilty. Whatever it was, he hadn't wanted her to feel like this. She did not bore him, he just couldn't really concentrate on anything today._

_Before he could answer, though, the door opened. And revealed the person that had caused all of Yuki's trouble. _

_At the sight of him, Shiro froze. He stared at Yuki, then Mrs Ito, back at Yuki. His mouth opened and closed as if he was about to say something, but of course he could not. Yuki noticed his hands fidget at his sides. Then the blonde turned and vanished, pulling the door shut again. _

"_So that's it," the old woman said understandingly, nodding slowly. "But either you go after him now and settle it, or I suggest that you sit down again."_

_Yuki had not noticed that he had stood. _

Shiro's next examination was today, so he had come to the hospital only to see Mrs Ito. Something cramped in Yuki's stomach as he thought that the blonde had walked all the way there only to turn and run upon his arrival. Had he wanted to talk to Mrs Ito? Tell her of the problem he had? Had he, Yuki, taken his possibility of relief? The thought was almost enough to make him feel sick.

The evening had passed as the one before. What Shiro had eaten, Yuki didn't know. That the blonde was barely able to tell one end of a spoon from the other was no news to him, so it was rather obvious he had not cooked himself.

Today, Yuki did not have to work. He had gone out, though. He didn't think he could bear being around Shiro now. Thus, he had spent most of the day sitting around outside in the cold, or in a small café where his only excuse of staying was the cup of coffee he ordered every thirty minutes, even though the serving woman looked disdainful upon him taking up a table for so long.

Now evening was drawing close, and here he was, sitting in some park and still unable to think of anything but Shiro.

How was he supposed to go on from here? How were _they_ supposed to go on?

That that night had happened was no use denying. He _had_ slept with Shiro, had kissed him and come close in a way he had never even come close to a girl. And, more than that, he had _enjoyed_ it. No use denying, either. He had liked that way that Shiro had of touching him, otherwise all this wouldn't have happened. He would have pulled back from the first kiss in awkward discomfort and said something terribly stupid to excuse himself from the situation.

No; acting or pretending that all was as before was no use. Shiro knew just as well as he what had been between them, so no pretending there.

What troubled him much more was not the fact that he had been with a boy, or anyone, like that, but that it was Shiro. His best friend. Who was in love with him.

How much easier would it have been had they just been normal friends, and if possible drunk. It would have been awkward in any case, but they could have dismissed it as a stupid thing that had just happened, not to occur again. But as it was, he wasn't sure if the damage he had caused wasn't irreversible. How would he himself had felt had the person he loved slept with him and then tried avoiding him at all costs? How could it ever be as before with them?

He didn't want to stop being with Shiro. Shiro was all he had, and there had never been anyone who mattered nearly as much. Well, maybe his parents, but those were passé now anyway. He had quit that chapter of his life.

All he had ever wanted was Shiro to be with him, to just live on and see to it that the world wouldn't win over them in the end. He had just wanted a normal life, and to make Shiro happy. Was that so much to ask? Could it be that difficult?

It had never been a question if he returned those feelings Shiro had for him. It had been a thing of impossibility, an idea that was just too strange to become reality. He had never wanted more than being friends. They had shared so much already, how could he ever have demanded more, wanted more? There had never been the option of sharing more, there had not been more to share.

And now? Now there obviously was more, and what was he to do? He just wanted Shiro to be happy, that was all. If only he knew at least what he himself wanted.

Yuki ran a hand across his face. This was just all so stupidly complicated, when everything should have been simple as toast. He had no problem at all with Shiro being in love with him. Well, maybe a little, because he knew that this way, awkward and hurtful situations could develop just too easily, as they indeed had. It must have been painful before for the blonde, but now Yuki had managed to make it all worse. No, what really nagged at him was that he wasn't so certain concerning himself.

Yes, he had enjoyed kissing Shiro. And the aftermath. And Shiro was the person that was the most important to him. Heck, he would have jumped off a bridge for him. He wanted him to be happy and to make sure the gravest problems he'd have to face were whether to have cocoa or strawberry tea with his breakfast. He liked touching Shiro, and watching him whatever he did. He just found a deep, simple pleasure looking at him when he sat on the floor, trying to solve a puzzle until his back hurt from hunching over the pieces so long, chewing thoughtfully on his lower lip. Or when he pulled faces, or when he slept. Maybe Yuki _was_ a little obsessive. He certainly spent way too much time thinking about the blonde. But for his life he would not have been able to say if he was in love with him. He did love him, yes. But if he was _in love_ with him was a different question altogether, and one he wasn't sure would bare an answer to him soon.

And finally... He had always pushed that thought as far away from him as possible as soon as it occurred, because it was just a nasty thought, a thought to be stuffed in a sack and drowned. However much he loved Shiro, there was also always a part of him that hated him with the same passion. Shiro, candy-eating, puzzle-solving, silly-TV-shows-loving Shiro, who took up so much of his life and his thoughts and left so little to himself. Shiro, who made him abandon all his former future plans of marrying and having two children and a dog and a house with a garden, and just leading a normal life. Shiro, who took and expected so much from him without even noticing, who made him go weak and ditch all common sense, who even had the calm after breathing a last, shivery sigh into his ear to just run a hand through his hair, a brief, gentle kiss, and then fall asleep with a tranquillity that Yuki wished he had ever had. While Yuki lay next to him, half on top of him, watching his bare chest rise and fall and disgusted with himself.

He wanted to be there for Shiro and help him when he needed it, but sometimes he wished the blonde would just do the same thing for him and take at least a little of the weight of his shoulders. Sometimes he just wanted to get it over with and leave.

But in the end, all his musings on this weren't worth much when he knew that at the same time, the subject of his thoughts was alone and miserable because of him.

His cold feet hurt as he ran, and the cold air stung in his lungs like it was trying to tear them apart. The feathery mist of his breathe was left behind as a gust of wind hit his face, but he paid no more attention than to wipe his running nose. He was just such an idiot... He didn't deserve better than to freeze off his nose.

His legs throbbed with a burning ache from the running as he finally made it up the stairs, two steps at a time despite the time. His numb fingers held on to the railing, otherwise he surely would just have fallen over and down the staircase again.

Yuki's hands trembled as he fumbled with the keys to unlock the door. He didn't have much feeling left in them, and it hurt to touch the rigged edges of the keys.

The air washing over him was warm and inviting as he entered. He felt like he had just entered a bathtub, hot and comfortable. Still, he did not let himself enjoy the comfort. With his breathe labouring, he went over to the bedroom - to find it empty. Looking about, decided on the living room.

Shiro was there. He was lying on the couch, apparently asleep. He was still wearing his jacket and scarf, his shoes lying on the floor.

Despite the fact that he had just run half an hour and his muscles were protesting already, Yuki's knees seemed to turn to jelly just now, and he let himself sink to the floor next to the couch, resting his arms on the cushions. His lungs stung with every breathe he took, he was sweaty despite the cold and he wasn't sure if his legs would get him up anytime soon. He'd have to do more sport.

Shiroseemed equally exhausted. Even asleep, he looked sad. He must have returned from the hospital not long ago; there was a small leaf sticking to his hair, glittering with frost that had not melted yet in the warm living room. Yuki remembered that there had been a check-up today. He had completely forgotten about that. Had he spoken with Mrs Ito?

With a sigh, he reached up to pick the leaf out of the blonde's hair. Brows furrowing lightly, chocolate brown eyes cracked open to look at him sleepily, confused. Yuki held the leaf up tellingly between his forefinger and thumb.

"You had that in your hair," he explained quietly. Shiro didn't nod, but there was something in the way he blinked that had an air of understanding.

There was a long silence as Yuki looked at him, and Shiro looked back. Yuki tried to find the words for what he wanted to say. It might have been easier had he at least known what exactly he wanted to say. Finally, he ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, looking aside. Yes, at least that much he could say without feeling like a liar. Shiro looked at him. Yuki wondered why they weren't shouting at each other, after everything that had happened. Metaphorically.

Shiro's lips silently formed words, four of them. Yuki watched as they shaped around the L, the soundless sigh of V, as they met for the familiar notion of an M. Simple words. With so much meaning.

He shook his head slightly. "No," he said, almost in a whisper, as he rested his head on the couch. He really was more exhausted than he should be.

This time, Shiro did nod. A small, simple nod. Then, he reached up to gently slide a hand into Yuki's hair.

It was the last thing Yuki noticed before he fell asleep.

--

Glowering out of the window, Asuka sipped at the spoonful of soup without much enthusiasm. She certainly didn't want to look at Rei who sat across the table, eating calmly. She would rather have had Shinji for company, but that idiot had decided to retreat into his bloody room and stay there for the whole bloody evening. _Thinking_.

Whatever it had been that had caused it, the brunet had been oddly quiet - even more quiet than usual - after their encounter with those idiots, and she had not managed to get an answer out of him yet. Clearly, they had recognized him from somewhere, but why, she did not know.

She looked up as the door opened. It was him.

Shinji looked weary, his hair dishevelled and sticking up in all directions, as if he had repeatedly ran his hands through it. Fervently.

Rei looked up, too.

He first helped himself to a bowl of soup before he sat down. He didn't begin to eat, though. Instead, he looked down at his food and, finally, with a sigh, raised his eyes to meet theirs. "I've been thinking," he said. "And I've made a decision."

Without really noticing, Asuka held her breathe.

--

**Well, here it is. Took me long enough, really, but I intend to finish this story before I leave for Australia in July. We had a kind of special exam over the last weeks, and it was a quite stressful time. I am glad I'm through that, now. I still am nervous about maths. Anyway, this chapter has taken me about two months to write. I felt guilty all the time because I knew I should just get going and do it, but there never was the right inspiration and I didn't want to do it half-assed - it's an important chapter, after all. **

**I actually had Yuki's 'monologue' finished already, but I edited it again because it still didn't express all that was important to me. What I really wanted to include is the darker aspect of his feelings about Shiro. This is really significant for their relationship, and also something that I think is very typical for us humans - we have feelings that we don't like and that are very contrasting to what we feel foremost, but they are there and they won't go away just by telling yourself they don't exist.**

**Anyway, I also have something else to say. I don't want to apologize for the course the story has taken, with its focus shifting from Kaworu and Shinji as a pairing to the two of them alone and their respective storylines and to Yuki and Shiro's storyline. I don't see the reason of apologizing because I love the story as it is with all my heart. But I do realize nonetheless that to many readers, it must be frustrating to want to read about Kaworu and Shinji and then they don't have a scene together within 15 chapters. I hope that you enjoy the read nonetheless, and if you do or don't, it would be nice to let me know. Still, I will keep this in mind for my next stories. I love the characters of Shiro and Yuki deeply and have two stories in mind for them that I would like to write someday. But I think that first after finishing SOG, I will do Sketchwork (which is about Kaworu and Shinji) and then, we'll see.**

**I'm looking forward to my first flashmob tomorrow - I organized it myself, and I hope it will be fun. If you don't know flashmobs, look them up on the web! And while you're at it, take part or organize one! The scene really needs a revival.**


	34. Bittersweet and Bright

**Title: Scraps of Gold - Bittersweet and Bright**

**Author: Kjesta**

**Chapter: 34/34**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Shounen-ai, AU.**

**Word Count: 6,546**

**Listening recommendations are "Pilgrim Snow" from the Wolf's Rain OST, "Comptine d'un autre été, l'après-midi" from the soundtrack of Amélie and from the second scene with Shinji onward, definitely "Walking in the air" by Celtic Woman.**

Arms crossed behind her head, Asuka looked up at the ceiling. She didn't see much of it, considering that it was the middle of the night, but some moonlight did find its way inside through the windows. However, it just made the shadows seem even darker.

She should have known all along. Probably she _had_ known all along. Maybe she should have been nicer to Shinji. Maybe it would have changed something. Maybe.

So many maybes, and she had no idea if any of them had a chance of having become true. Probably not. Maybe not.

Kicking her blanket in irritation, she turned aside. She knew she should be thankful for Rei having her sleeping here, on the couch. Maybe she was. Another maybe.

--

Yuki worked the shampoo thoroughly into his hair. Admittedly he didn't need a full five minutes for that, but it gave him an excuse to stay in the shower for a little while longer. That way he could avoid the reason for him being here at all right now. Shiro.

He still vividly remembered that past evening, after he had apologized to him. It all had been... surprisingly calm, almost normal, except for a certain awkwardness, but that was to be expected, he guessed. Almost normal. If not for the night. But he began suspecting he really was the last person on earth to judge whether something was normal or not.

_The light steps of bare feet on the floor hardly made any sound at all, and it seemed like their owner paid special care to not make any unneeded noise. Unnecessary. Yuki was quite awake. How could he sleep as always, after this day? _

_He wasn't surprised when the steps halted beside his bed. Somehow he had known that they wouldn't lead to the door, over into the bathroom. Why, he had no idea. He didn't like the thought that he had been expecting this gladly. It was a stupid thought._

_There was a long moment of silence, and nothing moved except hearts and breathe. Then he turned around. _

_Shiro was standing there in his slightly over-sized white pyjama, his pillow hugged with both arms to his body, almost like a shield between him and the rest of the world. _

_With a small sigh, Yuki lifted the edge of his blanket, just enough to let him know it was an invitation. Looking like a load had been taken off his mind, Shiro crawled into his bed. It was not actually made to fit two people, yet he shifted until he was lying so far near the edge that Yuki suspected he would fall off it if he did so much as breathe. He paid care not to touch the other boy somehow. He'd been like that since Yuki's apology, and Yuki suspected he was afraid of invading his personal space too much, of being too clingy. _

_It really didn't look comfortable. _

_Yuki heaved a sigh. "It's silly lying that wonky," he said finally. "You're going to fall off the bed. I'm not going to cart you off to the hospital at this hour if you crack your head open, so either you go back into you own bed, or you lie down properly." _

_That got him a blink, and then the tiniest of smiles. He wondered if he had gone mad. He should have stopped talking after suggesting that Shiro should go sleep in his own bed. He was just making it all more complicated. He was - and then the blonde had inched closer a little and there was knee nudging his and a shoulder bumping into his chest and the little voice in his head ran out of arguments. _

_As he fell asleep, he was just barely aware of wispy blond hair tickling his nose and of the scent of blackberry shampoo._

That had been last night. He had actually slept quite well. Surprising.

Today, in the morning, he had woken with the blonde curled up next to him with his knees resting against Yuki's stomach. Yuki had just kept lying like that, watching him. Sleeping, Shiro looked like one of those angels from Christmas cards that played the harp and always wore nightgowns. If one didn't know about his love for silly TV shows, that was. It was pleasant, just looking at him, his face the very image of peace and innocence.

After a while, Shiro had woken. Had found his way into the waking world just slowly, as always. At first, he had seemed a little surprised by finding Yuki so close, but then he had smiled. A small, satisfied smile, barely more than the slightest curve of his lips. Then, he had leant in closer to kiss him.

Yuki remembered the sensation of white cotton, soft under his hands, yet not as soft as the skin beneath. Bed sheets filled with the light that streamed inside through the windows, also soft, cool. Winter light. A gentle hand that caressed his ear, the back of his neck, and the other one that found its way to his bare stomach. The rest was a mixture of losing focus, of shivery breathe in his ear, and of glowing skin.

Shiro had kissed him again afterwards, gently, yet Yuki still couldn't get rid of the impression that the blonde had looked worried. He couldn't be sure, though. He really had been a little... unfocused, for some minutes. Still. Worried. What about?

Yuki turned the tap on and began rinsing his hair. Worried. Had he done something wrong? He wanted Shiro to be happy. He had made mistakes, grave mistakes, but he had come back and apologized and what had passed this morning should have cleared any misunderstandings concerning Shiro's question from yesterday evening. Should he rather have stayed in bed a little longer instead of going for a shower? But, the blonde had looked worried before he had even hinted at getting up. No, that couldn't have been the cause.

With a sigh, he climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself, then dressed in some clean pyjamas. When he entered their room again, Shiro was sitting at the window above Yuki's bed. His head and shoulders were dark outlines against the window. Yuki liked his shoulders. Shiro thought they were too narrow, especially considering that he was a tad on the short side anyway, but Yuki had the opinion that he could have frozen at that moment and been the very image of perfection. He had a nice back.

Shiro turned to look at him briefly, then pointed outside. Yuki had noticed already, but only now did his brain really register what he saw.

Thick, white flakes were falling down, softly and silently as downs, and the world vanished behind their pale veil. Snow. The first snow of the year.

Yuki sat down just behind Shiro and looked outside over his shoulder. His bed was too narrow to really sit next to each other comfortably, and this wasn't too bad. He noticed Shiro's head turn in his direction a fraction for a second. Then, the blond looked outside again, watching the downs settle on the window sill for a blanket.

For a long while, they just sat like that. Yuki wondered what Shiro was thinking of. He himself was thinking of the others, if they were cold now, if the house they had for a home now was a little warmer than the factory. He surely hoped so. He could almost feel the warmth of Shiro's bare skin - unlike Yuki, Shiro had not gotten dressed yet, and Yuki did not particularly mind -, even though he sat behind him so that he didn't touch him.

Shiro raised a hand, looked back at Yuki to see if he was paying attention, then pointed out of the window in a gesture to include the wholeness of all that was to be seen there. The over-all impression. Then, he pointed at Yuki, and smiled. Of course. Snow. Yuki. His name meant nothing but simply "snow".

Yuki couldn't help it, he still thought the blonde looked sad, even smiling now, and he watched him thoughtfully as there was a hand that came up to caress his ear. When Shiro noticed his obvious absent-mindedness, he frowned slightly, ceasing his attentions. There was a long moment when he looked at Yuki questioningly, and Yuki looked back. He wondered what he was thinking now.

Finally, Yuki just took him by the shoulders and turned him around. Having a closer look, Shiro really did seem worried. His dark eyes seemed filled with an absent-minded sadness and there was something restrained about his features that Yuki could not comprehend.

"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning now himself. He had come back just to make him stop being sad, but where was the logic in it when even his agreement to stay with him did not seem to cheer him up? When it seemed that kissing him wasn't enough to prove what he had chosen?

Shiro's hands rose to rest at the sides of Yuki's face, and the blonde looked at him earnestly. With his thumbs, he gently pulled up the corners of his mouth into a somewhat pitiful smile. Then, he let go again, letting his arms fall back to his sides. Yuki looked at him, rubbing at his cheek in a kind of sheepish confusion.

Shiro watched him, waiting. He had wanted to get that across all morning, but he had not managed to find the right moment before. Since three days, he had not seen Yuki smile. Admittedly, for the greatest part of those days, he had not seen much of him at all, but even yesterday evening, there had not been the slightest curve of the lips on his face. He had never expected him to act all silly with happiness now, and he knew that not everyone was particularly smiley during sex, but he hadn't seen even the slightest trace of a smile on him so far, and worst was that Yuki did not even seem to notice. Indeed, he seemed surprised in an abashed sort of way by what Shiro had pointed out, much like he had taken absolutely no notice of it at all.

Finally, Yuki ran a hand through his hair - god, Shiro loved it when he did that - and sighed. "Sorry," he said. "I -" He broke off and seemed to search for words for a moment. "I will try. No problem."

Shiro continued to look at him in silence, and he did not feel particularly comforted by Yuki's answer. This was not really what he had wanted to hear, and it made him sad. Yuki seemed even more puzzled by the fact that Shiro still wasn't radiating his usual cheeriness, and finally, with a sigh, the blonde leant in for a quick kiss - Yuki had the most delightful way of kissing, insecure and careful, laced with the natural vigour of a boy who was just making his first, enthralling experiences with this -, and then rose to go take a shower. He did not bother with putting on his shorts; he'd take them off in bathroom again anyway, and there wasn't much of him left that Yuki had not seen yet.

He could feel his gaze on his back.

--

It was one of those awkward moments. One of those that you expect or hope to arrive someday, but then it's there and it's even more awkward than you would have thought.

Shinji stood clutching the bag containing what little he possessed. What Rei had bought him. His hands tightened a little on the carrying straps. Someone else he was in debt to.

Rei herself did not seem to notice the strange atmosphere, and he wasn't sure if that was good - or not. In any case, she looked at him calmly, seemingly waiting for him to say something, or to go. Asuka wasn't even here. Probably outside, somewhere. Where she didn't have to see his stupid face. That was the way she had put it yesterday, at least.

"Well," he said finally, running a hand through his hair. He didn't really feel nervous. Not yet. Maybe he hadn't fully realized yet what he was doing. "I hope you'll be alright." He hesitated, then shook his head. "No, you _ar_e alright. I - really think it's great how you manage."

"What?" she asked, and he had the feeling that if she were someone else, she would have frowned now.

He gestured vaguely, including their surroundings. "Everything," he explained, and he found that he was smiling. "You manage to live your life, Rei. That's... great." Yes, he really did smile. He even felt like it.

Then, he did something he had to scrape all his courage together to do. He hugged her. It was the most awkward hug in all his life, but it felt strangely comforting. Though the strangeness was stronger. But whatever it was, right now he was hugging just Rei, and it felt unexpectedly good. Her breasts against his chest did make for some embarrassment on his part, though. At least he wasn't blushing. Not much.

He pulled back again and was surprised to see that there was a hint of pink in her usually pale face. His hands went back down to gripping the straps.

"Rei..." he began, slowly, then stopped, sighed, shook his head. And looked at her. "Thank you," he said.

And she smiled a tiny, awkward smile.

Outside, the sky was grey with clouds. The snow that had fallen this morning had melted already - it never lasted long in the streets. The wind was cold, but it was slightly humid and he had the feeling that the thick clouds overhead bore rain, not snow. It was all he could do not to sigh.

Somehow, he was not surprised to see the slim figure sitting at the street corner on a large bin, red hair flowing down her back. And he was relieved.

His steps somehow felt very final as he slowly went over to the corner. He had to go in that direction anyway. As he stopped, there was a long silence. Asuka didn't look at him, but down the street. She looked very pretty, with her hair whipping in the breeze like that. He wondered if everything would have been better if he had started kissing her instead of Kaworu. What would it have felt like, running his fingers through her long, shiny hair instead of Kaworu's short, wispy strands? Would he have felt like a protector more often instead of feeling protected? But, he wanted to protect her anyway. That had never changed.

"I'm leaving," he said finally, and his voice sounded very loud in the empty street. It was not a busy part of the city.

"I know," she said simply. Then, with a sigh, she smoothly got down from the bin, landing on the palms of her feet lightly. She also moved very prettily.

There was another silence. There was often silence when they were alone. Simply because there didn't seem much good to say. And small-talking didn't seem to be the right thing to do. Not for them.

He had not been surprised at seeing her here, and somehow he wasn't surprised, either, as she made the last step closer and leant in. She was not small for a girl, taller than Rei, and about his own height. Maybe a centimetre less. Her breathe tickled his nose, and he wasn't sure how long they just stayed like that before he leant in to kiss her.

It was strange. Her lips were soft and she stood very close, and it did even feel nice. But somehow, this just wasn't the same. He could not remember just how Kaworu's kisses felt, wonderful of course, but nothing more explicit than that, yet he was sure that this was just a kiss, whereas with Kaworu it was... a _kiss_. Breathy and excited and eager for more. This was definitely not like those kisses.

After a moment that was wonderfully long and short at once, Asuka pulled away, and she also made a step backwards. She looked surprisingly calm for the fact that the last time she had seen him, she had told him how much she hated him and then slammed a door in his face, and for the fact that they had just kissed.

"Will you be staying with Rei?" he asked quietly, tugging at his earlobe. Strangely enough, he did feel calm himself.

She shrugged. "Don't know," she replied vaguely. "I don't have much of a choice, and now there's a bed free finally." That brought a wry smile to her lips. "No more sleeping on the couch."

He had never wanted to hug her as much as he did now. He didn't. Instead, he smiled back slightly. "Let me know if you're moving, okay?" Another tug. His ear itched. His feet itched to go. "I'll come visit you two. And if you're going, just drop a note at Kaworu's or something. I don't know. Leave a message at Rei's. Something."

Taking a breath, she nodded. For a moment she looked like she still wanted to say something, or do something, but then she just smiled again and turned away, hands shoved into her pockets.

Shinji left.

--

The ball rolled, and rolled, and rolled, and maybe this time it would finally make it past the cupboard so -... It came to halt under the wardrobe. There was no escape now. Within seconds, there was something yapping and drooling and pushing its leg under the wardrobe, fishing eagerly for the piece of leather and stuffing. There. A talon scratched over its surface - a scratch on its beautiful, shiny red leather! - and the ball rolled out into the open where it was gripped immediately by a pair of strong jaws, pointed teeth making a few more marks.

"Well done," Kaworu lauded as Scraps brought the toy over to him, and he took it back. Scraps still didn't like giving it back after having caught it and he tried to hold onto it with his teeth, but in the end, Kaworu won. As always. He could almost see a pout form on the pup's face.

Tongue lolling out of his mouth, Scraps trotted over to vanish under the bed. Kaworu looked after him. It had been a while since he had last played with the pup, and he felt guilty for it. Nathalie had gone for walks with him a lot and the like, but still - Scraps was his pet, and he was the one to take care of him, no matter if he wasn't feeling like it sometimes.

There were rummaging noises to be heard. Puzzled, - what was there under the bed that the puppy could rummage through? - he laid down to have a look, his cheek pressed against the cool floor.

It seemed that Scraps was chewing on something, a rag or something... He blinked. Then, he reached under the bed to pull it out. The pup resisted, tugging on a corner of the piece of fabric, but then he just trotted over to Kaworu, still chewing on a sleeve. That was what it was. A shirt.

Kaworu knew it. It had been his - before he had given it to Shinji. After having been outside with Scraps and getting caught in the rain, the brunet had taken it off to go for a shower, and afterwards they hadn't been able to find it anymore. So this was where it had been.

He let his fingers slide across the fabric. Scraps had stopped chewing, he noticed, and was now looking up at him with large brown eyes. Kaworu scratched his ears briefly.

"Me too," he muttered. "I miss him too."

--

Shinji could feel his heart beat against his ribs as if trying to break free. Blood was rushing in his ears. He felt like he was going to jump at the slightest noise. He was nervous.

The cold wind blew across the large, empty space surrounding the factory. Behind it, there was only a plane reminding of wilderness, and it was good distance away from the town's last houses. Everything seemed grey. The ground crunching beneath the soles of his shoes, the clouds above that seemed heavy with rain, the factory itself most of all.

This was home.

As he finally reached the large door, a gate almost, withered and grey, he stopped. Breathing and his pounding heart seemed to fill the whole world, that and the great door in front of him. When he had last left, he had wanted to leave this behind. Now, after so much time, he was back. What was going to be now?

He took another deep breath, gripped the door handle, metal even colder than his skin, an pulled it open.

The hall was empty. There was nobody sitting on the crates, nobody on the stairs, no sign of life. He looked about. It seemed even darker than the dim light of the late afternoon or the small windows in the roof could be credited for.

His steps echoed loudly in the corridor as he made his way over to where the dormitory was. Usually at this time of the day, everyone was lounging about somewhere or out trying to pry together something for living. It seemed strange that he had seen no one so far, but maybe there was some reason they were in the dormitory.

He pulled the door open.

There was no one. And even more, there was nothing. No old pillows and thin blankets and small stacks of smaller possessions or clothes. Nothing to indicate that this room had ever been used as more than a store room and then been left alone for years.

Shinji could just about keep his knees from giving way. Where were they? What had happened? Why was no one here?

His feet made clanging noises as he ran up the stairs. They had to be somewhere, somewhere here, they could not have just left... Not without him...

He didn't know how long he hunted up and down the corridors, hoping that maybe behind this door they would be, or in that room, or that, or the next, please, the one after that...

--

Sipping at her tea, Rei looked over at the door that led to the small room that Shinji had occupied up to this morning. Since she had come back inside, Asuka had not left the room.

--

Shinji let the breeze caress his cheek. It felt good, even if it carried the promise of rain. His cheeks were still glowing.

Whatever had happened here, the others were not here anymore. Why had Asuka not told him about it? Or hadn't she known?

With a sigh, he turned away from the glassless window. And flinched yet again as he saw the large red stain on the concrete floor. A blood stain. What had happened here? Was the bloodshed the reasons for the others' disappearance? But how had the blood come there at all? An accident? Or a fight? He could not imagine who in the gang would have argued so much it would have come to blows, they had gone through too much together to let it come to that. And for so much blood, there must have been more than just fists. What had happened?

He slowly made his way through the empty halls and corridors. This had been his home for so long. It had never been easy, but he had been happy. As happy as one could be fighting to live everyday.

So many memories. It had been here, at this stairway, that he had met Kensuke and Touji for the first time. And there. There at the window he had sometimes sat with Yuichi and tried his best to invent some good-night story with the others, often with rather bizarre outcomes.

After some time that felt like hours, he re-entered the entrance hall, if it could be called that. He had even gone through all the halls in the back of the factory, where they had rarely ever been because it was too ramshackle even for them.

The hall had been the center of his life here. Here, they had all sat together in the evening, and when there had been an important matter, it had been discussed here. He could still remember planning Yuichi's birthday, and everyone had ended up nicking a candy bar or a small toy or both, and in the end, it had been so much that the small boy had had difficulties carrying it all into the dormitory.

Not all memories of this hall were this happy, though. For one, the one time Kaworu had brought him back home and they had started rather carelessly kissing here. He should have thought of it that someone might have seen them, and Shiro had.

Shiro. He also remembered how Touji had told him about the way Shiro had come to the factory, told him one month after Shinji himself had joined them. The blonde had been quiet and withdrawn, had rarely ever spoken to anyone and never smiled. Shinji had looked over at Shiro who sat talking and jesting with Yuki and Akira, a wide grin on his face. He could not imagine him ever having been like that, not with his outgoing, cheerful nature, always a jest at hand and a sparkle in his eyes. But apparently, it had not always been like that - and he admired Yuki deeply for having brought up the patience and time to coax Shiro out of his shell, spending most of his time with him, helping him getting used to his new life with them, giving a gentle nudge here and there, but never pushing him. He had always admired their friendship. All of them had some friends, but best friends were rare even among them - for one, Kensuke and Touji of course, and then Shiro and Yuki. Shinji himself had had Kensuke and Touji, but those were best friends, and he was, well, the third, and even if they never gave him the feeling, he still thought of himself as not really belonging. Thus, it had just been easier for him to admire Shiro and Yuki, because he had never had a reason to feel left out or something.

And then, it had turned out that Shiro thought about him and Kaworu the way he did. When he had left here and gone to Kaworu, he had been full of hate for the blonde, hate and disappointment, and he had hated Kaworu for wanting him to clear the matter up and go back. But now? Now all he could feel was sadness. Sadness because Shiro had shown such a part of him, because it all had come to this, because something must have happened so that Shiro thought like this at all. He had never experienced the blonde as he had been that one fateful evening, and he could not imagine that he had hidden that side of him for so long. No, something must have happened there. And considering his ways when he had first come to them, Shinji could imagine only the worst.

With a sigh, he got up from the crate he had sat down on without notice. This was the past. Maybe he would find out about what had happened here. Some time. But now, it was time to mend the past and come back to the here and now, and at least try to make the future brighter.

Taking a deep breath and looking back at the hall for a last time, he turned and left his home behind.

--

A happy snowman looked down at him and waved merrily from the page of the calendar. The tenth of December already. Christmas wasn't far off.

"What would you like to do on Christmas, Kaworu?" Nathalie asked as if having read his thoughts. She looked up from her embroidery hoop. How anyone could have the patience for doing the elaborate flowers on the bed linens she was embroidering, he had no idea. But then, maybe it was just him being a boy. He didn't see the fun in knitting, either.

He rested his chin on his hand, looking at the pattern she had finished already in thoughtfulness. What would he like to do? "I don't know," he said finally.

Nathalie nodded understandingly. Overall, she was very understanding of late. It had been difficult to admit at first, but he had finally come to accept her as who she was. His mother. Who was just as human as anyone else, and had all the flaws everyone else had.

"We could eat out," Justus suggested from where he was sitting at the table, drawing. It was Scraps, lying on the floor asleep, he was sketching.

Kaworu nodded slowly. "We could," he agreed.

There was a long silence. The lamps were all lit. Outside, the sky promised rain, and it seemed like there was already a faint spray of drops carried on the strong breeze that whipped the few remaining leaves from the trees that weren't all bare yet. Tomorrow, they would be.

Of late, they spent more time together. In the evening, Nathalie would sit down on the couch with her embroidery or a book and Justus would draw or read the newspaper, and Kaworu sat around and patted Scraps or did his homework or something. So this was what family life felt like.

Today, however, his homework was done already and Scraps was sleeping soundly, and instead he watched TV. Nothing interesting, but enough to keep his mind from straying too far.

With a sigh, he stood and went over to the couch to sit down next to his mother. Taking up the hem of the blanket, he inspected the elaborate border running around it. He knew how much time and effort went into this, and he could not help but admire Nathalie's patience.

"Have you spotted a flaw?" she asked without looking up, but a small smile grazed her features.

Kaworu shook his head. "All's okay," he said, putting down the linen again. Not that he knew much of this anyway.

Nathalie looked up to glance out of the window, then turned back to her embroidery hoop. "Kaworu," she began, "concerning Shinji..."

He almost groaned. He knew that she and his father were worried, and not only about him, but also Shinji, but he didn't want them thinking about this, or trying to distract him from thinking about Shinji. However good their intentions, it still wasn't their business - whatever passed between him and his boyfriend was between them, no matter if others just wanted to help. He just hoped they wouldn't start some day saying that he should try to forget Shinji and look for someone new. He wouldn't.

"What's it?" he asked, and sighed as he sounded more rude than he had intended to - which was still just a little, but audible enough.

Nathalie looked at him for a long moment as if contemplating to tell him something about manners, but then she just tilted head ever so slightly. "He's standing outside."

She watched with a tiny smile as he jumped up and over the couch's back, giving the window just a short look to assure himself she wasn't joking. In a second, he was on his way to the hall - not without glancing briefly into the mirror and running a hand through his unruly hair, and she almost had to laugh at seeing it; Shinji probably had seen him more dishevelled than this already - and she could hear him rummage, putting on his jacket and shoes hastily. She noticed that Justus was looking up as well and caught his glance. She smiled.

At the sound of the door opening and then closing again, she put her embroidery aside to look outside.

"Peeping at your own son and his boyfriend?" Justus asked jestingly, but he sat down next to her.

--

He was welcomed outside by a strong breeze blowing fine droplets of water into his face. The wet gravel crunched beneath his shoes and the wind whistled in his ears, but it all didn't matter. Not now. Not anymore.

The whole world suddenly seemed to consist of the slim figure behind the gate, and the gravel walk that felt way too long, infinite, to him.

Pale hands were wrapped around the curls of the intricate metal lace decorating the gate. They looked as cold as he felt. He leant against the gate, his own hands just next to the brunet's.

There was a long silence and Kaworu could feel a raindrop making its way into his collar, dripping coldly onto the back of his neck. "Where have you been?" he whispered. God, he was so close...

Deep blue eyes looked up at him - he had not noticed he had gained a centimetre or two or three, but somehow the height difference seemed greater than before - in question.

"Away," Shinji said. Kaworu nodded.

"Want to come inside?" he asked quietly, and received a nod in return. A shivery nod. It really was cold. Before he could catch himself, he had reached through a gap between two of the curvy iron leaves and gently ran the back of his fingers over the brunet's cheek. Cold. Chilled down by the wind and the rain. A hand rose to lie over his and lips, equally cool, briefly grazed his fingertips. Reluctantly, Kaworu pulled back to walk over and pull the gate open. The brunet stepped through - and was back.

Shinji gently caressed Kaworu's ear as he responded to the kiss and returned the fierce embrace he was drawn into. Why was it that he felt so calm now? He had been so nervous, but now it seemed that all of his anxiousness had vanished and rubbed off onto Kaworu instead, who held him so tightly he felt like the air was being pressed from his lungs. Kaworu's lips were warm and eager, yet Shinji himself went about it slower. The whole world seemed to have stopped for this moment, and he was not about to rush it.

Finally, Kaworu pulled back a little. "You're shivering," he muttered, resting his forehead against Shinji's. "Come." Slipping his hand into Shinji's, he turned. He felt strangely reassured when the brunet followed.

As the warmth of the entry hall flooded over them, he merely kicked off his shoes, Shinji mimicking him, and then they were on their way upstairs. He caught a glimpse of his parents sitting on the couch, smiling covertly, and his mother shouted something after them that she would take care of Scraps tonight. In his mind, he thanked her.

Shinji looked about, taking in everything, from the scent of this house that was so familiar to him now, to the feel of the floor beneath his damp socks. He was back. Back. After so long. He gripped Kaworu's hand even more tightly.

As he turned for his room, however, Kaworu led him on. "Not here," he said, shaking his head slightly. "I've moved." Shinji looked at him in puzzlement, then, with a last glance at the door, followed Kaworu.

It turned out that they were heading for the attic. The attic that Shinji did not recognize now as the one where they had once found the cello of Justus's father.

There were no crates and boxes now, instead a table and chairs, cupboards and bookshelves, a bed, a night table... Shinji's heart gave a jolt as his eyes fell onto a corner next to one of the two doors that seemed to lead to smaller rooms. The cello, and Kaworu's violin, both safely stored in their cases.

There was a tug at his jacket, and he looked at Kaworu opening the zipper. He himself had already taken off his wet jacket. "You'll catch a cold," Kaworu muttered, his eyes focused on the task at hand. Shinji wanted to kiss him.

Instead, he shrugged off the jacket and looked about. So this was Kaworu's room now. As beautiful as he himself.

His gaze was caught on something at the bedside table. He went over to have a closer look. Two picture frames were propped up here, one holding a photo, the other a drawing. The photo showed them both sleeping on the couch, Shinji's head resting on Kaworu's shoulder whose head was leaning against the brunet's in return. A faint blush stained his cool cheeks as he thought that Kaworu's parents had seen them like this. They just _couldn't_ have missed the nature of their relationship.

The drawing showed himself, Shinji, a sketch of great detail and liveliness, and certainly more pretty than reality. His eyes weren't _that_ blue. But it was standing next to Kaworu's bed.

Shinji turned, and there Kaworu stood, in the middle of the room, watching him, and every bit as beautiful as he remembered him. Slowly, he went over again, letting his gaze take in the room. "It's great," he remarked appreciatively.

Kaworu nodded. "My parents' idea," he said.

Shinji took the last step and rested his head on Kaworu's shoulder. Well, his nose. He didn't quite reach up all the way anymore. But then, it would certainly have been awkward being taller than Kaworu. There was a hand gently running through his hair.

For a long while, they just stood like that. Shinji could feel the other's heart beat in his chest. The scent he breathed in was the same as it had always been, and even more comforting after all that had happened.

"You missed me, hm?" he asked finally after a short glance back at the pictures on the nightstand. Kaworu let the hand slide out of his dark hair and instead come to rest at his face.

"I thought I'd die without you," he muttered.

And then words just weren't enough anymore, and there were hands in his hair and at his back and he was responding eagerly to a fervent kiss. He met no resistance as he pulled Shinji over to the bed. The sheets were soft and still smelled faintly of the detergent, yet not as divinely as Shinji's wet hair and his skin.

Mentally, he thanked his father as he reached for the nightstand. Then, his attention was all back to the present. To Shinji.

--

Water flew in a spray as the sparrow dived into the trees foliage for protection of the pouring rain. It hopped along one of the slim branches, further down, deeper between the leaves. Down below, two figures in rain coats made their way along the street, running. Bright hair flashed briefly as a hood was whipped back by the wind.

The bird skipped into a knothole, large enough to give some protection. And stopped.

Down in the hole, someone had left a whole bunch of nuts and seeds. Hopping excitedly, it began to feast. No matter the past or the future, today was bright.

--

**This is it. The End. At least for now. I really wanted to finish the story before going to Australia for ten months, and now it's done. There will probably still be an epilogue or two, or a possible "what will their future look like?" or something, but so far, it's over. **

**I haven't really taken that in yet, I believe... It is strange imagining not having to write the next SoG chapter anymore. Also, it's the first multi-chapter story I actually finished. Wooooh! **

**It has taken me a good year and a half to write this, and Scraps of Gold and its characters have accompanied through many difficult times and given me something constant that I found joy in. It was a long and often difficult journey, but I have learnt much along the way that I hope will help me with my future stories. Looking back at the first chapters, it has really been a long way, and I hope it brought you as much joy as me. **

**I want to thank all readers and reviewers. All the comments have helped me greatly and I'm glad that there are some people out there who like this story. I would be happy if some of you would sneak a peek at my new stories when I'm back from Australia in April next year. **

**I have also found two characters along the way that I love dearly: Yuki and Shiro. I hope their story did not bore you, but I will pay more care with my OCs in fanfictions from now on. They weren't supposed to dominate the later story this much, but it developed that way, and I'm still satisfied. They will have a story or two of their own some day. (But there's also more Kaworu/Shinji to come.) And I'm also fond of Nathalie, Justus, Yuichi, Scraps and the rest, of course. It is sad to say goodbye to them for now! **

**And of course, I would like to thank Shinji and Kaworu and all the rest. They're all such beautiful characters, and without them this story of course wouldn't have been written. They have enabled me to create a story that makes me happy and has kept me busy for half and a year, and they deserve all the love they get. **

**And now... See you in a year!**


End file.
